My heart raced after tapping on the door of room 22. It was so silly; he was my brother—the boy I drove crazy growing up while he teased me relentlessly in return. The boy who I’d get into knock-down drag-out fights with one minute, and then be hugging the next. There was no need for me to be nervous, yet I was. So much had changed from those carefree years gone by. We had gone from two awkward kids who loved each other unconditionally to two total strangers.
“Aubree?” He opened the door, taken a little off guard by my presence. I hadn’t seen him in over two years, but he was just as handsome as ever, an exact younger version of my dad. Jet-black hair and crystal blue eyes—they were the trademark of my family.
“Hey, I’m sorry for intruding, but I was talking to Trey and he told me you were in town.”
He nodded, seeming a little guilty. “Yeah, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. It was kind of last minute and—”
“It’s fine.” I cut him off, not wanting him to feel like he needed to make excuses.
“Did you want to come in?” He opened the door wider and I took a step inside.
“So, how long are you in town for?” I asked, looking out the window and taking in the midtown view.
“Oh, just until tomorrow night.”
I spun around to face him.
“What’s with the sunglasses?”
“Oh, I-umm…” Did I lie and use the migraine excuse or did I come clean? I decided to be honest, pulling off my sunglasses and holding my breath, awaiting his response.
“Aubree, what the hell happened?” He moved closer, lifting my chin to get a closer look.
I shook my head. “It’s fine, Paul. I’m okay.”
“No, it’s not okay! Look at you! You think it’s okay to let some animal treat you this way?”
“No, I don’t,” I whispered.
“Who did this to you?” he demanded.
“It doesn’t matter. I just want to forget it happened.”
He shook his head in disbelief. “You are unbelievable, you know that? You’re just gonna let the guy who did this walk away, and then what? Are you planning on fucking him again?”
My jaw dropped over hearing his true feelings coming out. “No. That is not what I’m planning on doing at all.” I swallowed the baseball-sized lump in my throat, trying my hardest not to cry.
“I wish you had never come here today. I didn’t need to see you this way.”
I nodded, breaking the dam that was holding back my tears. “I’m sorry, I just wanted to talk to you. I miss you.” How I wanted him to tell me that he missed me too as I searched for some comfort in his piercing blue eyes and found none.
“How could you have lost all respect for yourself?”
The tears were falling faster than I could catch them. His words were sharp, painful, and most of all true. I had lost all respect for myself, but I was hoping with a little luck I’d find it once again. “I-I’m done with that now, Paul. I know I deserve better.”
“Oh, now you know that you deserve better? It took getting the shit beat out of you to realize you deserve better? Jesus Christ, Aubree, how could you be so goddamn stupid?”
“I’m not stupid, Paul!” I rushed to defend myself, even though I knew he was right. I was stupid for leading that lifestyle for so long, but I wasn’t planning on being stupid anymore.
He looked away before meeting my gaze once again. “I’ve got a lot of work to get ready for tomorrow, Aubree.” And just like that, I was dismissed. My heart felt like it was being cut from my chest while he stood there stone-faced, unaffected by it all.
“Okay.” I nodded, barely able to see through my tears. I stood on my tippy-toes and placed a kiss on his cheek, taking in one last look at the guy I had loved and admired my entire life before walking out the door.
***
The sun was just beginning to set outside my bedroom window as I lifted my head from my pillow. I was emotionally spent after leaving my brother, but hadn’t expected to go home and fall into a three-hour coma. I got up, brushed my teeth, threw my hair back in a ponytail, and splashed some cool water on my face. My shoulder was aching after defying my doctor’s order and ditching the sling for the day. I was hoping that putting it on now would alleviate some of the pain.
I was sitting down to a bowl of cereal when a knock at the door interrupted me. Something told me I wasn’t going to be as lucky as I had been the day before and have Simon on the other side of that door. When I looked through the peephole, I was overcome with emotion at the sight of my brother. I flung the door open, biting on my bottom lip to chase away the tears. When he threw his arms around me, I couldn’t hold them back.
“I’m so sorry, Aubree.” He hugged me tight and rested his lips on the top of my head.
“It’s okay.” It felt so good to hug him back.
“I just can’t stand to know that someone did this to you.”
I nodded and wiped a tear away. “Come in,” I requested, closing the door behind us.
We took a seat in the living room and his eyes diverted down to my sling. “Did he do that too?”
I was afraid to respond. I could see the anger building in his eyes. “Yes,” I whispered.
“Goddamn fuckin’ jerkoff,” he mumbled.
“This was my wake-up call, Paul. It really was. I don’t want to do this anymore. And guess what? I’m starting a new job on Monday.”
“Where?” he cautiously inquired.
“I’m taking care of a little boy…you know, like a nanny?”
He creased his eyebrows in confusion. “Aubree, no offense, but are you up for that challenge? That’s a big responsibility, and you don’t have any experience with kids.”
“I know.” I nodded. “But he’s so adorable and we get along great, and his father has faith in me that I can do it.”
“His father? Is there a mother?”
“No.”
He raised an eyebrow. “And, how do you know this guy?”
I looked away and mumbled, “He was one of my clients.”
“Ahh, Aubree!”
“No, really it’s not like that, Paul. He is such a great guy. He really is. We have these deep conversations, and I relate to him on so many levels. He doesn’t judge me for the choices I’ve made in life. I just can’t even begin to explain how he makes me feel.” It took me a few moments before I realized I was gushing over him.
“So, what are you saying? Do you have a thing for this guy?” Paul asked.
“No. I mean…He’s…” I didn’t know how to answer, because the truth was that even though I’d told Simon I wanted to forget we had a history, it wasn’t so easy to do. Yes, we’d had sex on several occasions, but it was so much more than that. Besides a physical connection, we had an emotional one, and that wasn’t so easy to just forget.
“He’s-he—” I stuttered, watching Paul grin as he waited for me to elaborate. “Hey, are you hungry?” I asked, dodging the question.
“I’m starving.”
“Chinese?”
“Perfect.”
I got up to grab the delivery menu, avoiding the question I didn’t know the answer to—or maybe I did and was just afraid to admit, even to myself, just how very special Simon was to me.
After dinner, we watched TV and talked. It felt so good to be sitting down and having a normal conversation with my brother. It had been way too long. I finally worked up the nerve to ask the question I had been wanting to know the answer to all night. “How’s Dad?”
His eyes softened. “He’s good. Getting ready to retire.”
We both shook our heads and laughed. “No he’s not,” we said in unison.
My father had been the police chief of our tiny town forever; it was all he knew, and a big part of who he was. He had been claiming retirement for the past ten years, but had yet to put in his papers.
“I just wish things were different. I miss him so much.”
Paul nodded. “Aubree, maybe you need to come home and start all over. Work on your relationship with Dad and start working on you.”
“There’s nothing there for me, Paul. I don’t have a job. Dad can’t even look at me, and it’s just a lot of bad memories.”
“You can always find a job. Things will never work out with you and Dad if you keep avoiding it, and as far as the memories go, you need to face them instead of running away from them. It wasn’t your fault, Aubree. You’ve carried this guilt around for the past five years for something you didn’t have any control over. If you’re truly serious about starting over, it’s time to deal with it head-on and stop beating yourself up over it.”
I shook my head. “I loved him so much, Paul, and one minute we were holding hands, laughing and talking about his move to New York, and the next minute he was gone. I relive that moment every single day of my life, and I just don’t know how—” I let out a sob, and Paul grabbed my hand. “I just don’t know how I could ever stop beating myself up over it.”
“I know how much he meant to you, Aubree. I do. But do you think he’d be happy seeing you this way, agonizing over him every single day of your life? He died that night.”
I closed my eyes, wishing I could shield my ears from his words.
“You didn’t. And you know that he would want you to be happy and live your life.”
I nodded. My tears were falling faster than I could catch them.
Paul grabbed a napkin from the coffee table and dabbed my eyes. “Just think about it, Aubree. You could stay with Trey and me until you get yourself situated.”
“I will,” I responded, knowing I didn’t have any intention of ever returning to that place for an extended period of time.
He looked down at his watch, and I was dreading what was to come next. I wasn’t ready for him to leave after I had just gotten him back. “I really have to get going. I have to be up and out by seven a.m. for this presentation.”
“Okay,” I whispered, fighting another bout of tears.
He began to gather our dinner plates from the coffee table, and I stopped him.
“I’ll get that.”
“Are you sure?”
I nodded, looking up at him and throwing my arms around him. “Thank you so much for tonight. You have no idea how much it meant to me.”
“I love you, Aubree, and I just want to see you happy.”
“And I promise, I’m gonna try really hard to work on it.”
He gently stroked the side of my face with the back of his hand. “I don’t ever want to see you like this…” He rubbed his thumb along the bruising on my eye. “…ever again. You got it?”
“Promise.” I forced a smile.
I walked him to the door, and he kissed me on the top of my head. “Smell ya later, brat!”
“Not if I smell you first, Pauly wally bear.”
“I’ll talk to you soon. Please take care of yourself, and seriously think about what I said.”
“I will.”
“Love you, Aubree.”
“Love you too.”
He bent down, giving me one last kiss on my cheek before heading on his way.
I closed the door and locked it, overcome with emotion. My brother was back, and I was the happiest I had been in a very long time. I wanted to shout it from the rooftops, but for the time being I’d settle for writing about it in my journal.