The last remnants of winter had finally disappeared. Cold, dismal days were traded in for chilly mornings that turned into warm, bright afternoons. The once-barren trees were now dressed in an array of pink and white blossoming flowers before sprouting their familiar shade of green. Spring was upon us, a time for new beginnings.
Simon and I had grown even closer. I was spending more time at his place than my own, and we still managed to keep our little “secret” from Jack. I wasn’t sure for how much longer we’d be able to keep it up, but he was still convinced that on the nights I stayed over, I was sleeping in the guest room. Simon wanted to come clean with him, but I wasn’t sure if Jack was ready for that yet. Our relationship was still fairly new, and the last thing I wanted was for Jack to get his hopes up over a possible future between Simon and me. Even though I hoped that my future included Simon and Jack in it, I didn’t want to assume anything. I knew better than anyone that life could change in an instant. But for the moment, I had to admit, things were going great between us. We were constantly laughing together and were always there for each other when one of us needed someone to talk to. We managed to have fun no matter where we were or whatever we were doing, and the sex just got better and better. It all seemed perfect. Too perfect, and that’s what scared me. I’d never had perfect in my life, so it was all so new to me.
I was super excited when my brother had to make a last-minute business trip to Manhattan, bringing Trey with him and parlaying it into a long weekend for the two of them. I was even more excited to introduce them to Simon. Jack was spending the weekend with his grandparents, so it was just Simon and me meeting my brother and Trey at the trendy Soho restaurant that had just opened up. I wasn’t sure how they’d even managed to get reservations; from what I’d heard it was almost impossible, but knowing Trey, he had connections somewhere.
“I’m so excited for you to meet them.” I squeezed Simon’s hand as we neared the restaurant, unable to control my smile when he bent down and snuck in a kiss just before we entered.
I spotted Trey at the bar immediately.
“Aubree, my love!” he shouted, making his way through the crowd and throwing his arms around me. “You look just as gorgeous as ever!” He looked me over and kissed me on the cheek.
“And so do you.”
“Well of course I do, sweetie,” he teased.
“Hey, Aubree.” Paul was a lot less theatrical than Trey with his greeting, leaning down and kissing me on the cheek.
I latched onto Simon’s arm, bursting with enthusiasm to introduce him. “Simon, this is my brother, Paul, and his partner, Trey.” I hadn’t been so happy in a long time. Two of the most important men in my life were meeting someone who was quickly falling into the same category.
“It’s really nice to finally meet you,” Paul said with a firm handshake.
I tried my best to stifle my laughter when I caught Trey checking Simon out, giving me a nod of approval as he waited to shake his hand.
My face actually hurt from smiling all night long. As hard as I tried to make it go away, I couldn’t. It was the perfect night. Paul and Trey hit it off immediately with Simon, and I knew they were seeing the same endearing traits that I saw in him. Simon excused himself to take a call from Jack and Trey got up to use the restroom, giving Paul and me a few minutes alone.
“You’re actually beaming.” Paul shook his head and smiled.
“I’m happy.”
“And that makes me happy. He’s really a great guy, Aub.”
“He really is. Sometimes I wonder what I did to deserve him in my life.”
“You didn’t do anything. You were always deserving of someone like him, you just never believed it.” Even though I wasn’t sure if I agreed with him, it was still so nice to hear those words coming from my brother after seeking his approval for so long. “So, I told Dad we were coming to see you.”
My heart raced with excitement just hearing my dad mentioned.
“He actually seemed pleased. I told him about your new job and your new guy. I think maybe you should try to give him a call—or better yet, pay him a visit.” He wasn’t giving up on his crusade to mend my relationship with my father.
“Sorry about that.” Simon returned, taking a seat next to me.
“Everything okay with Jack?” I asked.
“Yeah, it’s all good.” His hand moved under the table and onto my thigh. My stomach danced in anticipation, counting the minutes until I could be alone with him.
The rest of the night was filled with career talk between my brother and Simon—a subject I’d normally find boring, but listening to Simon explain his work and the creativity involved was fascinating. I hadn’t thought I could admire him any more than I already did, but after hearing all the demands of his job coupled with the fact that he was raising a child on his own, I found myself respecting him even more. Trey and I kept ourselves entertained talking about their upcoming Paris trip. I couldn’t help but envision Paris with Simon and how romantic it would be. But envisioning was as far as it went. The reality of that ever happening was slim to none. For now I was taking it one day at a time, grateful for each day I had with him. I placed my elbow on the table and rested my head in the palm of my hand. I never tired of watching him. His smile, his laugh, everything about him was perfection—at least to me, anyway. Paul was wrong: I didn’t deserve him, and he deserved so much better than me. Part of me felt a little selfish for hoping he never came to that realization.
I reached over the chair and rubbed his back while he and Paul continued to talk. Once Trey jumped into their conversation, I kind of felt like the odd man out, so I excused myself to use the bathroom, wondering if any of them would even notice I was gone. After waiting in line for what seemed like forever, I finally finished up and was headed back to the table.
“Bree,” a man’s voice shouted over the crowd.
I turned around and my knees wobbled underneath me as I came face to face with Darren Michaels, my former Monday Morning. My past life was clashing with my present one.
“Oh, Darren, hello.” My voice shook as I glanced over at the table at my brother, Trey, and Simon as they laughed over something Trey had said.
“I thought that was you.”
“Umm…yeah. It’s me.” I pushed my hair behind my ear, trying desperately to remove myself from the situation. “Listen, I’m here with my family.”
He put his hand up. “Oh, no problem. I got it. Umm…I was in touch with Margo a few weeks ago, she told me you’re no longer working for her.”
“No. I’m not.” Guess his reconciliation with his wife didn’t work out after all.
“Well, I don’t know if you’d want a little side business.” He reached into his wallet and pulled out his business card.
There I was standing only inches away from a man who I’d once gotten paid to have sex with, who was propositioning me once again. All while another man—who was also one of my former clients, but who I was currently in a relationship with—was only a few feet away. Even in my own mind, it sounded totally screwed up. It was a sharp reminder that my past couldn’t be forgotten as easily as I had thought. As I stood there staring at him blankly, I felt like no more than a cheap prostitute.
“I-I’m not doing that anymore.”
“Oh, Bree. I’m so sorry. I thought that maybe you went out on your own.”
I vigorously shook my head, just wanting to get away from him and all the memories he was bringing back.
“There you are.” Simon snuck up behind me and wrapped his arm around my waist.
Darren’s eyes widened and he wasted no time extending his hand to Simon. A sick, twisted knot formed deep within the pit of my stomach as I stared into space in a daze.
“I’m Darren Michaels.” He paused briefly.
My face began to heat up and my whole body began to itch.
“Bree and I are actually neighbors. We live in the same apartment building.”
I breathed a sigh of relief, thankful that Darren was able to think quickly on his feet. Simon shook his hand back, gripping me tighter and pulling me into him.
“It was nice meeting you,” Darren said to Simon. “And nice seeing you, Bree.”
I nodded, hoping the unease I was feeling wasn’t apparent to Simon.
“Are you ready to go?” Simon asked as Darren walked away and I did my best to pull it together.
“Yeah.” I nodded, knowing I needed to snap out of it and put my best game face on for Paul and Trey.
We walked out of the restaurant and said our goodbyes to Paul and Trey. It had been such a great time until the last five minutes, but I wasn’t going to let that ruin it for me. I hugged both Paul and Trey tightly, not knowing when I’d see them again, but hoping it would be soon. They said their goodbyes to Simon before jumping in the back of the cab and driving away. It was a beautiful spring night, so Simon and I took our time walking the few blocks to his car. We held hands and strolled along in silence until my conscience got the best of me. I couldn’t lie to him. He knew everything about my past, and I hated feeling like I had secrets from him.
“That man in there. He wasn’t my neighbor,” I finally spoke as we continued to walk. “He was an old client,” I blurted out before I lost my nerve.
“I know,” he whispered.
I stopped walking and took both his hands in mine. “You knew?” I creased my eyebrows in confusion, and he nodded. “Why didn’t you say—why did you go along with it?”
“That was your past. That’s not who you are anymore.”
Tears filled my eyes. He was really too good to be true. I stood on my tippy-toes and stretched my neck, placing a gentle kiss on his cheek. “I’m the luckiest girl in the world to have found someone like you.”
He flashed me a quick bashful grin, and I moved closer to his ear.
“Now, let’s go back to your place, and I’ll show you how lucky you are too,” I whispered.
“You’ll get no argument here,” he replied, now sporting a full-fledged grin.
***
“I think I may need you to remind me of how lucky I am every night,” Simon joked as I lay on top of him, both of us still trying to catch our breath.
I planted tiny kisses on his chest and stared down at him. “That can be arranged.” I rolled over and rested my head on his chest. “Simon?”
“Yeah?”
“Why are you such an awesome guy?”
“What do you mean?” he chuckled.
“You’ve gone through so much in life, and you still remain so positive.”
“What’s the sense of dwelling on it? I can’t undo what’s been done, so the best I can do is move forward as best as I can.”
I nuzzled closer to him, resting my head in the nook of shoulder. He played with my hair, and my eyes couldn’t hold out any longer.
“So, just think—in one month we’ll be waking up together every morning.” Nathan placed his hand on my leg as we sat at the stoplight, waiting for it to turn green.
“I can’t wait.” I leaned over the seat and gave him a peck on the cheek.
“Love you, Aubree bean.”
“Love you more.” I grinned just as the person behind us honked their horn. I looked up at the green light, annoyed at the car in my rearview mirror over their impatience, merging into the intersection. I didn’t know what was happening when my head bashed into the windshield and the car spun around. I gripped the steering wheel, trying my best to commandeer the car until it finally came to a stop in a wooded area on the side of the road. I could hardly move my neck and blood streamed down my face. I looked at Nathan, slouched over in the passenger seat where the impact had occurred. He was covered in blood and his body was lifeless. I grabbed his arm, trying to wake him, screaming his name over and over again, but no words were coming out…
“Nathan, no, no! Wake up! Wake up.”
“Bree.”
My eyes peeled open to find Simon gazing down at me. I sat up, soaked in perspiration. I had agonized over that night in my head a million times before, but it was the first time I had ever dreamt of it, and it had been all too real.
Simon sat up next to me, trying to get my trembling under control. “Are you okay?” he whispered, moving a strand of my soaking wet hair behind my ear and wiping away the teardrops streaming down my face.
I nodded. “Yeah, it was just a really bad dream.”
"What was it about?"
I shook my head, not ready to tell him—or maybe I was just afraid to face the guilt that had been eating away at me for years. He gave me a disappointed nod, put didn’t press any further. Instead he pulled me closer.
“There was once this boy who was my best friend and so much more." I began to ramble. "He lived next door to me my entire life. I knew him forever, and there wasn't a day that passed when I didn't see him smile. He was my friend when no one else wanted to be, and as the years passed and we grew a little older, that friendship started turning into something else. When I moved to New York to attend the School of Ballet, I was only sixteen years old, and I was certain he’d find someone new and that would be the end of our relationship. But he didn't. In fact, it only made us closer. I'd come home as much as possible during breaks and during the summer, and we'd pick up right where we left off. Once he finished college, he was accepted into medical school here in the city, and we were going to move in together." I inhaled deeply, knowing the hard part was coming next. “We were back home right before the big move. A few of his friends were having a goodbye party for him. I decided not to drink anything that night and be the designated driver since I knew the celebration was about him." Tears clouded my eyes as I tried desperately to blink them away. "We were stopped at a traffic light. I leaned over to kiss him and hadn't seen that the light turned green. The person behind us laid on the horn, letting me know."
I closed my eyes, struggling to get the rest of the story out without breaking down.
"I went through the light and so did the person who was supposed to be stopped at the red light at the other intersection. They broadsided the passenger side of the car. The ironic thing—I was so careful that night to not have one drink, and the person that hit us ended up being drunk.” I shook my head and let the tears flow.
Simon rested his lips on the top of my head, allowing me to completely break down. He just rubbed my back, never saying a word while I tried to catch my breath.
"I go over that night in my head every single day of my life and think what if I was paying attention and went through that intersection as soon as the light turned green. We would've never gotten hit. All it took was a split second to change everything so drastically."
"Bree, you can't think that way. It wasn't your fault at all. You'll drive yourself crazy going over the what ifs."
“I know, but it’s human nature. I like to think everything happens for a reason. But what was the reasoning for that? He was such a great guy. Smart, funny, caring.” I shook my head. “Or what was the reasoning for you losing someone as wonderful as your wife and Jack being left motherless?”
He put his head down and shook his head.
“I just don’t get it, Simon. Why did these horrible things have to happen? Why are some people faced with so much pain in their life while others skate by with nothing?”
“I don’t know.” His voice cracked.
“I had to live with the burden of feeling like I’d killed my mother, and then when this happened it became too much for me to carry.”
“Your mother?” Simon questioned.
“She died right after I was born due to complications of childbirth. I think that’s why I relate to Jack so well. I know what he’s going through, losing his mom at such a young age.” I stopped myself when I saw the agony Simon was in over that topic of conversation. “I’m sorry, Simon. I shouldn’t have brought that up.”
He stared straight ahead in silence, and I was feeling even worse. How could I be so insensitive?
“I-I’m so sorry, that was really not—”
“It’s okay, Bree.”
“No, it’s not. I have no right to talk about that. It’s not my business, and I—”
“Bree, it’s fine!” he snapped. I was sensing hurt, anger, and annoyance in his tone.
“Okay,” I whispered, resting my head on his shoulder. I held his hand, wishing I could take back my words.
“I’m really tired,” he sighed when I stretched my neck and kissed him on the cheek.
“Okay, then let’s go back to sleep.”
We lay back down, and he turned on his side with his back facing me. As if I didn’t already feel horrible enough, the cold shoulder he was giving me was making me feel one hundred times worse. It was obvious that he didn’t want to talk, so the best I could do was rub his back until I felt his breathing become heavier. I lifted my head to find him fast asleep. Pressing my lips into his shoulder, I closed my eyes and whispered, “I’m sorry,” chasing away the tears and stunning myself when I heard the next set of words that rolled off my tongue: “I love you.”