Gray bleeds from the darkness and opens up the flood of pain again. I find it strange that my first sensation in death is pain. My second, disappointment. You hope for Heaven, but at the very least the relief of nothingness. Instead I get every stab of life without the promise of release. An eternity of…
No, there’s something else, and my heart explodes at the familiar scent. A warmth that’s replaced the concrete that guided me into the depths. This can’t be Hell because she’s here. Satan wouldn’t send my angel.
“Andie?” Despite the agony, despite the horror of each memory that’s followed me into eternity, my lips actually twist into contentment as I force my eyes open to accept my gift.
“You came,” I rasp in disbelief.
“Of course I did,” she sobs, burying her face in my neck as she cradles me against her. I don’t understand the devastation on her face. Angels are supposed to gaze down with glowing serenity. This one seems frantic as she tears her eyes away and casts them toward the door.
“Can you walk?”
I also never counted on angels having a sense of humor.
“Walk?”
I repeat the word like that’s my question. Not the fact that I’m in the afterlife with an Andie who makes strange requests.
She curses. “No, of course you can’t. Dammit!”
Okay, I know for a fact that angels don’t swear. She can’t be a demon. It’s not possible.
“Are you…” I try to lift a mangled hand to test its face for clues, but my joints don’t move.
“Shh. Just breathe. Stay alive, stay conscious. We’re…”
She’s gone again.
“Kaleb, do you ever wonder what our lives would be like without the war?”
She looks different today. Sure, same refugee clothes, same long hair twisted into a braid, same brown eyes taking in a world she’s struggling to accept.
No, she’s different because I’m in love with her. I’m in love with her smile, her curiosity, her light. With how she can face a monster like me and find beauty. But I don’t say any of that because I’m not allowed to love. Mine is an existence of hate, revenge, and dark voids.
“Hey? You there? That must be one interesting report you’re working on.”
I smile even though I’ll have to deal with a gloating assistant by giving in.
“I knew it! So?”
“So, what?”
“Do you ever wonder what our lives would be like without the war?”
“No, never.”
“Never?”
My smile spreads into a grin, and she looks relieved. “Of course I do. Every damn day.”
“Where would you be?”
“You’ll laugh.”
“No. I promise.”
I sigh and meet her dancing eyes. “I’d be on a farm, I think. Growing shit, I don’t know.”
She’s a total liar and has to wipe the tears from her eyes. “Seriously? ‘Growing shit’? If that’s your knowledge of farming, you should probably pick another fantasy.”
“Hey! This is a different reality, right? In that one I know how to grow shit.”
She shakes her head and rests her hip against the corner of my desk.
“What about you?” I ask, because this is getting too dangerous for my fragile conscience.
“Hmm… well, I think my answer just changed.”
“Oh yeah?”
She nods, that spark, that playful glint. “Yeah, because there’s no way I’d miss watching you try to grow shit.”
This time the gray is accompanied by rumbling and jerky movement. I can hear my own groan every time my body has to absorb another jolt.
“He’s waking up again!” My angel-demon is back. She’s moved me to a new location. This one is just as dark but more excruciating in its jagged motion. I thought spirits would float to their final resting place. The afterlife sucks.
“Kaleb?”
I blink, but I can’t see anything in the darkness. Still, I recognize that voice. Even in death, I can cling to every sweet intonation.
“I’m here.”
“Thank God!” she cries, nuzzling me again. I force away the cry of pain because I need her touch more. If this is eternity, maybe I’m in Heaven after all. I don’t care if she’s a demon. She’s mine, and that’s all I need.
“Is God here? Will I meet him?”
She chuckles. “You still have your sense of humor. You have no idea how happy that makes me.”
Except I wasn’t joking. I squint into the void for a moment before the chill of recognition hits me.
“I’m not dead,” I say out loud. It’s not exactly a question, but not a statement either.
“No. Of course you’re not,” my real-live companion responds as the phantom disappears. “But they wanted you to be,” she adds with open bitterness.
“But how…”
Soft fingers find my lips and soothe away the questions. “Not now, okay? We just need to be quiet for a while. We’re on our way to safety, but we’re still a long way off. I’ll explain everything, just, right now we need to survive.”
Survive. Such a strange word. I survive beyond any explanation I can form in my head. I’ve survived for so long, through so many trials I’ve lost track of their stings, and yet, how can you call what’s left of me survival? But the command came from Andie, so I know I will. She owns me now that they don’t. That makes me smile again.
Her fingers slide along my face, somehow finding each nerve that hasn’t been bludgeoned, and I want to tell her how this is much better than when I’d “talk analgesics” with Emery. I flinch when her touch moves to my hair.
“I’m sorry,” she whispers.
“No, I am,” I try to explain. “They… lots of blood there.”
She pulls me tighter in her lap. “No, more, okay? No more.”
It’s her lips on my forehead this time. They linger for a while, and then I feel the prick of a tear. Hers sting my skin more than my own ever did.
“Andie, don’t cry.”
She plants another kiss.
“Don’t cry? You’re serious.” Her arms tighten around me again. “I love you so much.”
A few rays of light stream in through pinholes around us, and my eyes start to adjust enough to make out the details of her beautiful face. Her eyes as she gazes down and reminds me that sometimes Heaven is in Hell.
That’s when I also notice another face. Smiling. Observing us in silence. Andie follows my look and lights the rest of the space with her grin.
“You remember my mother?”
“Hi, sweetie,” the woman says, shifting closer.
“Hi, ma’am.”
“Oh no. Marta, please.”
“Marta. Yes, ma’am.”
I can see where Andie got her smile.
“Where are we going?” I direct back to my angel.
“Far away. I told you not to worry.”
“When did you get so bossy?” It comes out in a stuttered croak.
“You’re going to use every reserve of energy you have on sarcasm, aren’t you?”
“That wasn’t sarcasm,” I say. Well worth the effort for the gleam I get back.
“True. Not technically. But you’re not my supervisor anymore, so now I get to boss you around.”
I like that. “Just don’t expect me to do your filing.”
“Not even if you begged me.”
Eventually, I put a few of the pieces together. We’re in the back of a military transport vehicle. It hasn’t been reported stolen yet, and we’re headed to a remote location north of the border. She won’t tell me who’s in the front, however. She says it will lead to more questions, and we’re not ready for that long conversation.
The truck makes occasional stops. The hum of voices drifts through when we slide to a halt, but the back never opens. No confrontations or faces. It’s just motion and non-motion in what actually does seem like eternity. I know I’m alive now, but damn, if not for Andie this would have been Hell.
I’ve never been much of a theologian, but I’ve developed some theories over these last few hours. I wouldn’t be the first death survivor to devote the rest of his life to the study of the supernatural.
“Are you sleeping?”
“No, just philosophizing.”
“Oh yeah? Anything interesting?”
I’d laugh if I could. I settle on a grunt. “I think so, but I doubt anyone else would.”
“No? Try me.”
“I thought we weren’t supposed to talk.”
“We weren’t when we were in heavily occupied territory, but we should be in the clear for a while.”
In the clear. I like the sound of that, but I’m not so sure I’m up for a debate about my new theology.
“Sorry, I know. I just…”
The wince comes at an opportune time for once, and her face falls.
“Of course! Rest. The meds aren’t doing anything for the pain?”
“Meds?”
“Yeah, you swallowed two pills a couple hours ago.”
“I did?”
“Yep. And you called me a demon-angel. I don’t know what that is but it sounds pretty badass.”
I groan through a chuckle this time.
“Stop! You can’t laugh.” She grins and applies another kiss on my forehead.
“Then stop making me.”
“I’m not. I’m just reporting back the scene you apparently missed.”
“Did I say anything else?”
“Um… just that I was the love of your life and you can’t wait to grow tomatoes with me.”
“Tomatoes and all, huh?”
She nods before betraying herself with a giggle. “No. That was part of my own philosophizing.”
“Yours makes a lot more sense than mine.”
“Really? Okay, you have to give me something.”
I sigh. “Fine, but you can’t laugh.”
“I promise I won’t.”
“All right.” I draw in a painful breath. “I was thinking about how God might drive you around in a delivery truck and your reward or punishment is meted out in the quality of your ride. Like, if you’re in Heaven, it’s a nice smooth journey surrounded by those you love. If you’re in Hell it’s all bumpy and chaotic, you know?”
She stares at me. Three long, agonizing seconds of stunned silence. Then the dam breaks and my heavenly hell-ride becomes an echo of laughter. Even Marta is cracking up.
“You promised,” I say.
“I know. I’m sorry, but you just told me God is a trucker!”
I grin.
“So let me get this straight. In your theory, the Creator of Heaven and Earth, supreme authority over all angels, demons and earthly realms has decided in His infinite wisdom that the best way to finalize the miracle of life is to chauffer your butt around in a truck bed for all of eternity?”
It doesn’t make as much sense when she puts it like that.
“I said I was working on it.”
“Wait, does he wear a hat too? Oh! Does he have a uniform?”
“Stop.”
“No, really. I have to know. Does his dog ride along in the passenger seat?”
“It’s metaphorical. Obviously, there’s no dog.”
“Ohhh, okay. So He’s a metaphorical truck driver.”
“I shouldn’t have said anything.”
“No, I love this. You know, I’ve read the Bible. A few times actually. Not once do I remember anything about semis, though. Now, camels…”
“Shut up.”
She kisses me again, and I forgive her. Heaven is Andie Sorenson. And maybe camels. Forgot about those. Time to rework my theory.
I wouldn’t trade our banter for anything, but as the drugs wear off, so does my ability to find humor. Andie understands and settles into a somber embrace when my pain starts to separate us again.
“Kaleb. Kaleb, come on, baby. Stay awake.”
I try to open my eyes, but they’re fused together. Unintelligible sounds pass through my lips instead.
Her hair soothes my skin as she burrows into me.
“I hate this,” she whispers. “I’d do anything to take his pain. Anything.”
“I know, sweetie. We’re going to get him help.” I love that Andie has a mother who calls her sweetie.
I want to tell them I’m glad it’s me. That Andie is way stronger than I am because I wouldn’t be able to watch her suffer. I know that won’t help her now, so it’s good that I can’t.
I don’t have groans anymore. Just the raging fire that radiates from each pulsating wound on my body. Even worse are the replays I can’t stop. That final video that sent me from a functional human with a broken wrist to a breathing corpse. The message of this one was clear. We hope you’re happy with your decision, Roberto. Good luck living with this on your conscience.
It was a primal scene. Where the others were calculated scripts, the finale was a barrage of ancestral rage. I just wasn’t supposed to be the one lying awake remembering. Why they didn’t end it with a death stroke, I have no idea, except maybe for the paperwork implications. Better if I die of “natural causes” after an interrogation than during one. I don’t blame them. The paperwork in that place sucks.
Pain swells in my stomach, casting a new wave of nausea every time those fists slam into my memory. The burns. The crack of ribs and thud of boots. I don’t know how many. It couldn’t have been more than a few since I doubt Emery would widen her circle of co-conspirators right at the end. But god, it felt like a hundred, and I could do nothing. Completely powerless to defend myself as the restraints buckled me into nothing more than a pile of flesh for their fury. No counting because the rhythm of numbers doesn’t work when it’s overpowered by a stronger beat.
I’m going to be sick. I tense in alarm, but I don’t know any way around it as the truck bumps and jerks each recoil through my stomach.
Andie doesn’t curse, barely reacts as I do my best to roll away so I don’t include her in my horror. The coughs that follow nearly knock me out again, but her voice soothes me back into a relaxed paralysis as she wipes a clean cloth over my face.
“Shh. It’s okay. Hey, it’s okay.” Her lips are on my head again. Once, twice. A couple more splatters of her tears, and I feel my own start to well deep inside my chest.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper, embarrassed but too weak for anything else.
She holds me tighter. “I already tossed some towels over top. It’s fine. We came prepared.”
“I’ve got it, sweetie. You take care of him.”
I don’t know if she catches my response as I settle into her lap again.
“I’d give you more of the pills but they said two per six hours. It’s only been four.”
I know those pills. They are the biggest underachievers on the planet. “At six, though?” I sound like a seven-year-old boy, and her tears become audible.
“Of course. I’ll be watching the seconds,” she assures me with a tremor in her voice.
“Let me sleep then.”
“I’m not supposed to. They said…”
“Please, Andie.”
I feel the air leave her lungs. “Okay. Just for a while. Just…”
I don’t hear the rest.
“You really want to protect me? Then end this pointless standoff so we can live in reality for once and see what that looks like.”
End it.
I can’t get Andie’s words out of my head. Shit, the anger in her eyes as she threw them at me. Why shouldn’t she be angry? She’s right. I’ve been selfish. I did exactly what I swore to Dennel I wouldn’t do. I drew someone I love into my darkness because I was weak.
Even beyond my betrayal of Andie, I’m living a lie. I’m a waste of oxygen governed by Fate. But I’m no better than a corpse if I let it win. Am I really going to wait for fucking Fate to tell me how this story ends?
My hands tremble as I lean into my com and pull up Emery’s code. I can’t press the button, so I clench my fist to steady my breathing. My finger hovers, the clock changing from one number to the next on my screen.
Finally.
“Kaleb?”
I close my eyes. “I’m done with this, Emery. It ends now.”
I wake again to the sound of my name. Soft at first, firmer as I continue to ignore it. Rumbling, light, I try to block it out in favor of the blackness. But the sounds fight harder, grow desperate as they mix with pressure on my aching body. I groan and attempt a swipe that ends up as a twitch.
“Kaleb! Come on, baby. Wake up. This is what they said. This is…”
“I’m awake,” I manage. It doesn’t sound right, but it’s enough to turn her frantic pleas into a painful embrace. I let her punish me with it for as long as she needs.
“Thank you! Thank you, God,” she cries. “No more sleeping. Do you know how long I was trying to wake you?”
“God again. We’re going to have to find a church and figure this out, huh?”
I doubt she has a clue what I said, but she laughs anyway.
“Okay, sure. Here. It’s five minutes after seven hours. Take these.”
She pushes something in my mouth and holds up a container of water. I use all my energy to swallow. After a violent gag, they land in my stomach.
I’m surprised as I settle back into her that the stench of vomit has disappeared. They must have cleaned that up while I was out too. The truck has to be stocked. They came prepared, which hits me hard for the first time.
That means they hadn’t come to talk.
I’m stunned, tossed into a new reality. This was never a negotiation—it was a rescue?
“Andie, you… came back for me.”
She heard me this time. “Did you forget everything again? You’ve been with me for hours.”
“No, I know. I mean, the negotiation. Did my father even send you?”
She looks away, and I shudder. “I said we’d talk about this later. You need rest right now.”
“Did he or didn’t he?”
She meets my eyes again. “No, he didn’t. I managed to get a message to him through Dennel and Vi’s brother, but all we got back was a warning that a rescue attempt would be suicide and to stand down.”
I don’t know why the news hurts so much. I thought I was done with hope, but then Andie showed up and sent me back down that destructive path.
“He was right to tell you that,” I say finally.
“You okay?” Her fingertips trace the bruises around my eyes, my cheeks, my jaw, but she’s not talking about my body.
“I’ve had six years to accept the fact that I mean nothing to him.”
She cringes and brushes harder. “No, not nothing. He just weighed his options.”
“Cut your losses, right?”
“Kaleb…”
“No, that’s what it is. That’s what I am to him. An X in the equation just like I am to everyone else.”
“Not to me.”
She has my attention. She’s earned it like no one else in this universe. “I know. Thank you.”
“You have a lot of others to thank too, you know.”
“I do?”
A smile finally cracks the shadow on her face. “You did it, Kaleb.”
“I did what?”
“Changed the world.”
“Huh?”
She laughs softly, her eyes so bright I can feel the sun melting my soul. “Okay, not the whole world. Just a tiny part. But you’ve made an impact. We’re here right now because you pulled the humanity from enemies and brought them together. You know who’s driving this truck?”
I shake my head. She’s not really asking.
“Burlington Henry and Max Dennel.”
I stare at her. “Wait, Henry is working for the rebels too?”
“No, just for you. In the same way, Max went against your father’s orders and came back for you. You’ve started your own little revolution. A small army that’s decided not to choose anymore. An army of traitors.”
“But…”
“Isaac, Vi, and her brother Valentin are on their way to rebel territory, and we’re on our way to the border and freedom.” She looks at her watch. “Which should be in just over two hours.
“We told Emery that your father sent us. Max was the agent, I came along. I was worried about the plan, afraid Emery would just arrest Max then and there, but she was desperate for Roberto. She didn’t want to risk ruining the negotiation, and we were gone before she could change her mind.” Andie stops.
“I’m sorry, Kaleb. They moved fast on you. I think that’s why they almost killed you. She must have been furious that we disappeared and never showed up for the next round of negotiations, but we weren’t there to talk. As soon as we got word everything was ready, we set things in motion.” She sucks in a harsh breath. “When I thought I lost you right at the end because of us…”
“It would have happened even if you hadn’t come back. It was going to happen as soon as she gave up. The only reason it didn’t was because you gave her hope she was finally going to get what she wanted.”
Andie nods. She doesn’t want to argue with me, but I can tell my words aren’t soothing her guilt. “Anyway,” she continues, “I took a chance on your one guard when I noticed the way he hesitated every time they made him hurt you. Sure enough, he wasn’t on board with it and got a message to Henry.”
“That was a huge risk.”
“Yeah, but what did I have to lose? You sacrificed everything for me. I came back to do the same for you. So did Dennel who’s never forgiven himself for his role in your fate. Dennel, the double agent, is now Dennel, the double traitor.”
I smile at that. I knew he worked for my father since my first abduction, knew he cared about me. I even knew he hated that there was nothing he could do for me. All those reprimands about insubordination were apologies. His warnings the only way he could say he was sorry. What I hadn’t known was that I’d made enough of an impact to rewire his loyalties. To turn the traitor into a traitor.
“Okay, Dennel, I get. But Henry?”
“Didn’t know about Emery. He believed the traitor allegations against you just like everyone else. Emery had a very small circle who knew the truth. Her story was effective. That was part of your burden, wasn’t it? You knew the truth and you knew she was aware of that. You were waiting for the snare to snap shut at any moment.”
“She knew I couldn’t say anything. Who would believe me? Then once you came along, she owned me.”
“I was afraid of that,” Andie whispers, resting her head against mine. “You should have told me.”
I almost laugh. “Told you what, exactly?”
“I know. It’s just…” She curses in frustration. “No, I know.”
“I lied to you because I loved you.”
“I know.” She hesitates and pulls back so she can search my gaze. “Did you turn yourself in to protect me?”
“Don’t.”
“Please. I need to put the story together.”
I close my eyes. She deserves the truth, but I can’t watch it affect her. “Kind of. What you said that day hurt like hell, but you were right. I was a dead man clinging to a fake life. I went to Emery that night and told her to end it. In exchange she was going to protect you and work toward a truce.” There’s silence as we both process the rest. But she didn’t. No, she started a new game instead. One with no rules, no mercy, and no possible winner.
“She almost killed you.”
“I was already dead.”
She bites her lip, tears in her eyes. “Then there is a God, because you’re not.”
I swallow. It makes no sense that I’m not. “Tell me about Henry,” I say instead. I can’t do anything more with feelings at the moment, and Andie always liked facts.
She sighs and swipes at her eyes. “Like I said, Henry thought everything was just as it seemed. That you had been abducted by rebels that first time and might have turned. But the problem came in when you convinced him you hadn’t. I’m sure my involvement played a hand in that, and his petition to have you released was sincere. The second ‘kidnapping’ was a desperation move on Emery’s part. She had to hide you or risked losing you.”
“So I was ‘kidnapped by the rebels’ again.”
“Yeah. Henry was devastated. I remember that clearly. There was something about him. I didn’t want to trust him, but he kept drawing me in. There was a sincerity in his pain that made me think he had sympathy for you. Once I learned the truth about where you were and what was going on, I knew there was no way he could have been a part of it. Isaac delivered my message when we came back and got me a meeting with Henry. It only took him a few hours to verify my story. He was horrified. He didn’t even hesitate to help get to you. With his clearance, the actual rescue was easy.
“Emery probably doesn’t know Henry has defected yet. It’s his credentials getting us through every checkpoint without so much as a question.”
I’m having a hard time making sense of her words. The pain meds aren’t helping, but I’m not sure I’d be able to pull this together sober. Still, I’m here, alive, on my way to freedom with the woman I love. At least some of this has to be true. And really, that’s all the truth that matters.
“They must know we’re missing by now.”
“They threw you in a shed to die, Kaleb. You’re of no use to her anymore, and I’m just a thorn in her side. I’m not a threat now that I have you. You’re useless at this point. Sure, she’ll want Henry back, but it’ll be a while before he’s exposed. Right now, they think he’s heading to the Capital on official business. By the time they find out differently, he’ll have disappeared. Isaac is a blow to their ego, but that’s about it. He’s just another defector now, one of the hundreds they lose every year. He’d be executed if they caught him of course.
“The only one who has real value to them is Valentin Callahan and maybe Dennel but your father is keeping the GF busy with a new offensive he’s running in Region 3.”
“He’s going after 3 now?”
“Yes. The rebels took 45 zones in 5 this past week. Mostly by converting the natives to their side.”
“The same way we converted you to ours?” I smirk.
“Yes, most likely. But you only converted me to you,” she says with a gentle kiss.
“A philosopher and an evangelist.”
“A soldier and survivor.”
“An assistant? Are you fucking kidding me?”
Dennel doesn’t look any more pleased about giving the order than I am to receive it.
“They know your weakness, Kaleb. You knew this was coming.”
“Dammit!”
I kick the edge of my desk in frustration.
“Why don’t they just kill me and get this over with already?”
I hate the pleading in my voice, but I’m so tired. Six years of this game and I’m just so damn tired.
“You know why. It’s not about you.”
I don’t try to stop my glare. Funny how my only ally has betrayed me more than anyone.
I drop to my chair, hands threaded into my hair. Fuck!
“You can do this. You just have to keep your distance from whoever it is. You’ve managed to isolate yourself so far. This will be the same.”
I stare at him. “You honestly think they can shove someone in my face ten hours a day, and I won’t care about them?”
“If that happens, ask to transfer the person. Say they’re doing a horrible job. Be rude and make the person hate you, I don’t care, just keep your distance. You know how to detach yourself better than anyone I’ve ever met.”
“Do they actually think I don’t see through this? That I don’t know what they’re doing?”
“They’ve been underestimating you from the beginning. At least they’re giving you a choice. You can pick the person.”
“I’m not doing that. I refuse to choose my own victim.”
“Kaleb, I know how hard this will be for you, but if you don’t, I’m telling you they will. At least be selfish for one minute of your shit life. You deserve a second of happiness.”
“What do you mean?”
“I’m saying, if they’re going to force someone into your life, at least pick someone who will bring you a little joy. You know the end. It’s not a crime for you to have one good thing before that happens.”
“Oh, so I’m supposed to enjoy my time with the gun to my head before they pull the trigger?”
“Now you’re the one who’s underestimating,” Dennel hisses. “You can’t afford to do that.”
“They’re working on something,” I say, and Dennel nods.
“Emery is obsessed with finding your father.”
Shit, those pathetic tears of frustration, but sometimes, moments like these, it’s all too much. I’ve proven how much I can take, but this weight, this mass with each breath, it’s fucking crushing me right now.
“How do you do it, Dennel?” I whisper, meeting his tortured expression. My tears have triggered his, and he swats at the evidence of how much he loves me. “How can you stand there as my friend and watch them do this to me, knowing everything you do? Knowing my father and how to get to him?”
“It kills me. I’ve begged you to turn me in. I’m not strong enough to do it myself.”
I close my eyes and rub against the wet contours of my face. “You know I won’t do that.”
“I know.”
“You know my weakness too.”
“Your integrity. It’s going to kill you, Kaleb.”
“It’s the only thing I have left.”
“I know.”
“There’s more, isn’t there?” I barely get the words out.
His eyes rest on mine. “Your assistant is going to need something to do.”
I take in details of my pristine office. It’s always been my refuge. In my world of chaos, fear, betrayal, and pain, my office, my hidden prison cell, remains my only sanctuary. My peace, my order, the one thing I can control. I don’t move as I stare at him in horror.
“Dennel, no.”
He can’t even look at me. “I’m so sorry. I know how important this room is to you. What it represents.”
“Dennel, please, don’t let them do this. I’ve never asked for anything, never.”
“I have to go. They’ll be here soon.”
“You know what this is. Destroying my body didn’t work. Now Emery wants my soul.”
He finally braves my plea, his hand reaching out to grasp my arm.
“So don’t give it to her. You are the strongest person I’ve ever met, Kaleb Novelli. You are selflessness. Courage. You are love, and you will win this war.”