Life slows over the next few weeks. Vi makes significant gains in her recovery, and I take every opportunity to visit her. Our bond strengthens with each conversation and fit of laughter. As the days pass I grow anxious for her to return to our room where we can be friends instead of visitors.
Kaleb and I fall into a good routine as well. He guides me through the inner monstrosity of compound report-land, and I do my best to focus on being an effective assistant. I’ve always been a quick study, and soon I’m able to complete the more straightforward reports on my own. A utensil RP-7 here and a weekly apartment inventory count there are crowning achievements in our little administrative office bubble. It becomes my personal mission to deserve his faith, to make one small difference in a world that has given up hope.
“I was a vegetarian for three months when I was fourteen,” he blurts one day while I’m finishing up my tally of the cafeteria supplies.
I chuckle at the random announcement. “Really? A whole three months, huh?”
“Sabrina decided we should be vegetarians so what was I supposed to do?”
“Tell her you’re not?”
“Yeah, right. You had to know Sabrina. I was whatever she wanted me to be.”
“So, what happened? Why the sudden change of heart after three full months of dedication?”
He moves to the couch, and I shift to give him room. He smiles when it’s less than he needs. My mistake.
“She started because her mom was one. She stopped for the same reason. They were on a three-month cycle of hating and loving each other.”
“Ah.”
“Anyway, today’s lunch reminded me of that. I agreed to be a vegetarian, but I didn’t want to give up any of the foods I liked so she was always trying to find ways to recreate my meals.”
“Gosh, I hope she was more successful than today’s attempt. Was that supposed to be ravioli?”
He shrugs. “I think so? But no, Sabrina’s meals weren’t any better.”
“I was convinced I was going to be a pop star when I was little.”
“Oh yeah? How did that turn out?”
“Not well since I can’t sing or dance.”
“At least you didn’t want to be a basketball player.”
“Hey!” I swat his arm.
The corner of his mouth lifts, and I can’t help but return it. “Sorry, but I saw you trying to play the other night. It was painful.”
“Shut up. Speaking of that, can I cut out an hour early to visit Vi before dinner? She’s supposed to be allowed out of the infirmary for a few hours today and I want to be there to support her.”
“Sure. Maybe I’ll come with you. I wasn’t able to stop in yesterday so I owe her a visit.”
“Yeah, she made sure I was aware of that when I was there last night.”
“I had a lot on my plate.”
I regret my teasing. “How’s therapy going?”
He grunts. “I’m showing up. That’s all they can make me do.”
“Are they still badgering you for details?”
“Yeah, but we’re not talking about that anymore, remember?”
I sigh. ”No, I know. It’s just—”
“Andie.”
“I want to know, Kaleb. I want to know about your scars.”
And there he goes. More interest in the wall than me. I’m not surprised. He loves that damn wall every time this subject comes up.
“You already know more than you should. There’s no sanitized version.”
His eyes venture to me, but I don’t accept the plea.
“How? You never even talked about it with me. I don’t know anything.”
“Yes I did. Hell, you’ve even seen it.”
I shake my head. “No, not really. Not any of the important parts.”
He looks away, and I sense a rare opening as his mind seems to claim him again. I’m not sure I should let it, but I want to understand him. All of him.
“What exactly do you want to know?” he asks finally.
“Whatever you’re willing to share with me.”
I take his hand and trace his arm. It’s then that I notice new scars I hadn’t seen before. Tiny slivers zigzagging around his wrist. I reach over and grab his other hand, cringing at the same pattern on that side.
“Razor wire restricts your will to struggle against whatever else they’re doing to you. It’s very effective,” he explains quietly.
I bite my lip. I hadn’t realized how much I was protected by hypothesis, mere speculation about something I couldn’t begin to understand. Reality slaps damn hard.
“Razor wire?”
He nods and pulls away, rubbing his face.
“Electrical burns.”
“What?”
“The scars on my chest.”
My head starts to shake on its own, and he seems to forget me as he squints at the wall again.
“At one point they stripped me and wrapped the rest of my body in razor mesh too. They left me like that for two days, beating me every time I seemed able to control the pain. I almost bled to death that time. I think that might have been the worst part. Well, next to my leg anyway.”
His face becomes blurry in the silence. It takes a conscious command to force my eyelids to blink the tears away.
“Is that what you were looking for, Andie? Do you feel better now?”
I grip his hand again. “I want to know everything.”
He looks away. “No, you don’t.”
I force his cheek toward me again, and find fresh agony. Some truths can’t be acknowledged with words. Some require silence, the inhalation of sour air. Futile bracing for what’s next.
“There were days I wanted to die. Of course there were. Most days. But…” He blinks and shakes his head. “I don’t know. I kept living. I kept fighting. By the end, ‘surviving’ was all I had left to make them lose.”
“What about your hand?” I flatten his palm against mine and outline stiff fingers.
“Ah. That one wasn’t as creative. Just your basic mallet and frustrated anger after another unsuccessful day of interrogation.”
I shiver at the thought and kiss his deformed joints.
“If you had to go back, would you lie again or just let them kill you?”
He studies me. “I don’t know. Would you be waiting for me on the other side?”
I smile when he does and accept the end to this conversation. He already gave me more than I thought possible.
“Of course,” I say, returning his light kiss as he pulls me to my feet.
“Good to hear.”
He squeezes my hand before setting us to work.
I release a shriek of surprise when I find Vi waiting in our room after dinner. She grunts as I capture her in what must be the biggest hug she’s ever had to endure.
“You’re back!”
“I am. They decided I was doing well and let me walk all the way here instead of around the track. And look.” She pulls away to rub her head. “I’m keeping the hair.”
I embrace her again. “You’ll have a decent scar.”
“Yeah? Who’s going to mess with me now? I just need a good story.”
I love her confidence. “I know I wouldn’t.”
She drops to her bed. “So what did I miss? Anything good?”
It’s frightening how important Kaleb’s daily greeting has become to me. Seeing his face, his smile, feeling the peace of his presence. I could file all day knowing he’s seated ten feet away at his screen. Today, I’m particularly happy to see him.
“You know there was a rumor going around breakfast this morning that Tad Cullum has been transferred to a different building.”
Kaleb tries to hide his amusement, but the mischievous glint does him no favors.
“Is that so?”
I approach his desk and swing his chair around to face me.
“You didn’t have anything to do with that, did you, Lance Corporal?” I ask, and his grin breaks.
“I think Vi’s been through enough. I didn’t need her worrying about that asshole anymore.”
I bite my lip at the sudden swell of emotion. I should be used to his random acts of compassion by now.
“Well, she figured it out. She told me to give you this.”
I lean forward and press my lips to his cheek. He flinches in surprise and blocks my retreat.
“What about from you?”
His teasing smile plunges through me, settling low, hot and pulsating. It’s a dangerous offer, because soon, I’m on his lap, grasping his hair, claiming his mouth before he can change his mind. Our kiss intensifies, and my brain surrenders to instinct. It wants more, weeks of imagination straining for release. I want to own the smile that melts me, the eyes that haunt me, the compassion that transforms me.
He braces his hands on my back, and I gasp at the flames ripping through my veins. My groan leaks out when he hardens beneath me, and my body instinctively tries to pull him in. God, he feels so good, tastes so good. He’s infinite. There is no enough of this man. There are too many layers, and each one leaves me aching for the next.
I grip the collar of his shirt as he tugs at my hem. Fabric can be damn frustrating, and I’m desperate to fight through it. I want it all: mind, body, and soul, but he pulls back. Eyes clenched, captivating in that moment—overwhelming—I can’t bear the pain of the separation about to come. I’m already suffering the chill of the space between us. I breathe in my own recovery while he hauls himself together, but I don’t object. I care about him too much to make his battle unbearable with a direct assault on his will. I know his struggle against feelings he’s not supposed to have. A relationship he’s not allowed to have. I already broke my promise and won’t cause more agony for the man I’m terrified I’m coming to love.
It takes all my strength to distance myself when he can’t break us apart this time. His expression mirrors my heart, anguish and relief, as I round the corner of his desk to lean on a safer side. Our eyes lock through the gap, both of us aware of what happened, and all the reasons why it shouldn’t have.
We’d kissed before, but not like this. This was a new line, an irretraceable one that I wouldn’t trade for a lifetime of good choices. I hadn’t just kissed him. I’d let him into my soul. I’d made a decision. I want him. I choose him, and I don’t care about the ramifications. I’m not worried about the future or consequences. I just want to repeat that moment every minute I can. That’s the cry in my heart but not what comes out of my mouth.
“It was an interesting breakfast, anyway,” I trace back to our former subject.
He covers his surprise with a snicker. “Apparently. Sorry I missed it.”
“Same gruel as always. No big deal.” I clear my throat. “Well, that was fun, but I should probably get back to work.”
Pain flares in his gaze at my abrupt dismissal, but I’m stuck in uncharted territory. I have a lot to sort through and there’s no way I can reveal that I’m falling in love with him. I’m not ready to cross a bridge I just learned was there.
“Yeah, sure,” he replies before I’m replaced by his computer.
The silence that follows unexpected intimacy can be rough; ours is excruciating. My brain catalogs every phrase it knows as I pretend to work, rummaging for a combination that might break us from the distance. But after an hour of uncomfortable coughs and unnecessary throat clearing on both sides, I still have nothing. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised since I gave him my heart and then acted like I was killing time.
I’m startled, and maybe grateful, for the intrusive beep of Kaleb’s phone.
“Hello, sir… Yes, sir… Of course. Thank you, sir.”
Kaleb seems to forget about me, and I forget all about our previous discomfort as I study his troubled features. His voice is all confidence, firm and respectful, but it doesn’t match the lines of concern on his face. He doesn’t say much as the conversation continues. Mostly affirmations, a few confirmations, and a ton of acting like he isn’t distressed by whatever is being conveyed from the other side.
I don’t believe his fleeting smile of reassurance after he disconnects.
“Anything you want to talk about?”
“No.”
“Who was that?”
“None of your business.”
“What did they want?”
“Definitely none of your business.”
I may actually huff then, but my protest only draws a smile from his lips. “Kaleb’s locking me out. There’s something new.”
“You’re seriously the nosiest person on this planet.”
“Maybe it’s because I care about you?”
“Could have fooled me. Oh wait, no. You just like to fool around with me.”
I check for hurt in his eyes, but only find humor.
“What else was I supposed to say?”
“Well, I would have settled for anything besides what my grandfather used to say after finishing a puzzle for the eighth time.”
“Come on! You know I loved kissing you.”
“Yeah? And how would I know that?”
“You want a dramatic thank you for giving me the best kiss of my life? Is that it?”
His grin is totally worth the confession. “Now you’re getting closer.”
I roll my eyes but can’t stop my smile. “Fine. It was amazing, okay? It was perfect and I didn’t know what to say so…” I stop. We both know what I said.
“So you quoted Pappy Lambert.”
“He sounds like a wise man.”
“I dunno, but he definitely loved puzzles.”
“We could try again now that I have my speech prepared.”
He laughs, but I wasn’t entirely joking. I’m not optimistic when he shuts off his desk lamp and gathers his belongings.
“You know I’d love to, but I have to go. Can you lock up when you leave at clock-out?”
There’s nothing I like about that sentence. “Go where? Was that the call? Is this related to that reprimand from Sergeant Dennel?” His humor fades and triggers a stab in my gut. “Wait, is my mother in trouble?”
“She’ll be fine. You promised not to ask any more questions.”
“I know.” My grip tightens on a folder. “Sure, I’ll lock up.”
“Thanks.”
“Kaleb, wait. Are you going to be okay?” He stalls at the door and our eyes meet.
Oh god, he’s not.
I catch the deep rise and fall of his chest before he says, “I’ll see you tomorrow. And Andie, the kiss was amazing for me too.”