There is no denying my husband is hot and him holding our baby makes him hotter. I don’t have to have this maternal feeling to understand how cute they both look in the shower together as he tries to wash her. I hold the towel out and say, “Here, put her in this.” I can see he’s weighing his options. “It is a towel. I’m fine, honey.” But I’m so not fine. The idea of holding her has me freaked out, but I’m trying. I’m not worried I’ll drop her, but I’m concerned about having her near me. Taking the towel and wrapping it around her, he gives me the baby, and I’m sure I look as stiff as if Medusa had turned me to stone. However, I manage to take her as Ty takes the other towel on my arm and wraps it around his waist. He follows me closely into the room off the bathroom. “Here, set her on the bed and just sit next to her while I get dressed.”

Trying to keep her covered with the towel while she keeps kicking it off, I’m laughing at her. “Yeah, she hates to be covered. Blankets drive her crazy,” Ty adds. Slipping on some fresh jeans, he walks over to Aspen shirtless with a onesie. “I don’t want to get her too overheated for now, so I’ll put her in this.” I see it, and my heart sinks looking at the words, mama’s girl. When I look up at Tyler, he starts, “Ems, I’m sorry about yesterday. I know you took a big leap by even agreeing to this…”

“No, it was stupid. She was hurting and needed something.”

Placing a kiss on my head, he says, “Thanks for taking her out of the shower. I forget how slippery she is when I do that.”

“You two looked cute,” I say, turning away. “Look, Anders said you could move to the family units for tonight. No need to move her to a cold hotel when she’s getting over this.”

With his brows furrowed, he asks the question I know is coming, “You are staying with us, right?”

I bite my lip. “I wasn’t going to stay at the hotel, and so I thought …”

“Ems, stay with us. You took a big step by holding her, so please, just be with us.” He now has Aspen dressed and is holding her in his lap. He takes his free hand and laces his fingers with mine.

“I can’t promise anything, Ty. I’ll think about it.”

“Okay.” He’s waiting to see if I try to hold Aspen again, and when I don’t, he goes to lay her in her crib. “I’m going to brush my teeth and crawl into bed with my wife while I hope our daughter naps,” he says with his playful tone. I know what he is getting at.

* * *

I don’t stay with Tyler and the baby that night, and not for any other reason than I’m worn out from pretending to be someone I’m not. I help the baby one more time that day for about five minutes. It is all I can do not to freak out in front of Tyler. He went on and on about how I’m a natural and how our daughter was comfortable in my arms, but it was the worst five minutes of my life. I enjoyed watching her with Ty and seeing the bond those two share. She is still a little under the weather, so I’m not upset when he tells me he changed their flight to the next day, leaving a day early. I set my alarm for seven a.m. and walk over to the family quarters to help Ty out to the car with all the stuff one little person requires. After settling her into the car seat, I lean down and kiss her on the forehead. I thought about this last night, engaging the visualization techniques Grace armed me with, and in my mind, I did it repeatedly. I didn’t do it to save face with Tyler. I did it to show myself I’m the same, and I can do what I need to get my family back. I may not think I want this now, but I did at some point, and that person must exist inside me somewhere.

Ty doesn’t say a word. I know he’s upset we didn’t spend the night together, but he stops me. “Ems, I knew this would be a tough trip for you under normal circumstances, but this was not normal.” Bringing me into the crook of his neck, where our baby had been the first night they were here, he whispers in my ear, “I love you, sweetheart, you know that. And I know you worked hard to get ready for our visit. You tried, and that’s all I can ask.”

“Will you come next month?”

“I will, just me again. But I want you to think about coming home in April. Can you do that?” he asks, pulling back, looking in my eyes.

“I’m not sure. I’ll think about it, okay?”

Dropping a kiss on my head, he only smiles. “I love you, Ems. Don’t forget that.” I watch him and Aspen travel down the dirt road that leads out of the retreat until I can’t see their rental anymore. I’m exhausted. I had no idea that something this emotional would lead to pure fatigue. Getting back to my little room, I slip into bed and sleep the whole day away.