I wake to my mom lying next to me in bed. She smiles the second my eyes open. “Where is Tyler?” I ask.

“Oh, Ems, I sent him home around one this morning. He was asleep with his head on your bed. He needs to take care of himself for now, though leaving you took a lot of convincing,” she says, squeezing my hand. “Oh, Ems, he loves you so much.”

I’m embarrassed; I can’t even kill myself properly. “Mom, love with Tyler is not the issue. It’s the child I was given. I can’t love her, no matter how much I try. Do you know how that makes me feel? What if you didn’t love me? Wouldn’t you feel like a failure?”

“Emma, you do love Aspen, but you are completely overwhelmed. It has been six months, sweetheart. Your body went through more than the average woman during childbirth.” She strokes my hair, as any mother would, and I admit I’ve never done this with my own daughter. Hell, I can count on one hand how many times I have held her.

“Mom, I want to love her.”

“I’m sure you do love her. It’s just a different sort of love than what you were expecting.”

Before I can say any more, Lila appears at the foot of my bed with tears in her eyes. Lila both looks and acts more like my twin than her actual twin sister does. We have always held this closeness, and I’m sure she’s about to unleash hell on me for scaring her.

“Holy fuck, Emma, you know if I’m crying, you scared the shit out of us. Don’t you know how much you are loved?”

Swearing is Lila’s love language, and I know this little fact about her. It’s her way of saying I love you, don’t leave me. Yet, I can’t explain. My need to wash this all from my life isn’t because of the lack of love from others, but because of the lack of love I feel for the little person I created in my body.

“Lila, honey, I think Ems needs anything but a lecture at this point,” my mother says.

“You’re right, Mom. I’m sorry, Emma. I’m so scared for you, that’s all.” Lila must be fearful if she’s apologizing.

“I know you love those you swear at, Lila,” I reply, trying to make light of the situation. If I can joke about this, then it won’t feel so real.

Finally, when I don’t mention the baby, Lila brings her up. “We stayed with Aspen last night. Jones and I, that is.”

“Jones is with you?” I ask, completely skipping the subject of the baby.

“Um, well, yeah, he flew up here with me to be with Rose and Lorel.” But by her voice, I know Lila is more surprised I didn’t ask about my baby. “But Jones really bonded with Aspen. He was with her all day yesterday.”

“I’m so glad everyone but the woman who gave birth to her can bond with her.” Those words come out of my mouth without malice, but instantly, fuzzy thoughts swarm in my mind, and I’m unable to finish my thought process.

Lila grabs my hand. “It’ll come. I’m the least maternal person, and I love your baby. You will get there, Ems.” I’ll never get there. I have tried. Oh, like hell, I have tried.

* * *

The doctor releases me under the strict stipulation that I enter an inpatient facility. With my anxiety soaring, I look at Tyler. He’s the only one with me, at my request. My dad is driving me fucking crazy, and my mom looks at me and cries. Arriving back at our house, I feel the anxiety boil in my blood and radiate through my entire body. A full-blown attack is imminent, and I don’t know how to combat it.

“Why does Kent have to take me to Los Angeles?” I ask Tyler. I love Kent. He raised me alongside Mom and Dad, but he’s tough on me, always has been. But, hell, he’s just as tough on his own kids, too. I don’t remember a time without him in my life.

Tyler replies, “It is too hard on your mom and dad and Justine. Plus, with LA, he’s hoping to connect with Amanda, apparently.” My heart sinks; if there is a bigger shit show in our family than me, it’s Amanda. One of his children from his first marriage; Kent has twins with his first wife, and it ended badly. I grew up alongside Amanda, but she has always been hell on wheels.

I can’t be in the same room with my dad, and I hope I don’t have to see him before I leave. My dad and I are closer than most daughters are with their fathers, but right now, all I see is disappointment in his face. The disappointment molds against his stern face the second I lay eyes on him, and I know I have let him down in a way he could never have prepared for.

Suddenly, I find myself next to Tyler. Not sure how I got there, but I turn, clinging to him, crying, begging him not to send me away. “Emma, we have been through this. Annette and Justine can’t do it. Call it a maternal instinct they have…” he trails off because he didn’t mean any disrespect to me since I have no maternal instinct. “Your dad, well, let’s just say he can’t do it either. He’s not mad at you. I hope you know that; he’s just too close to the situation. Kent, he loves you but can be that stern, loving hand you need right now.”

Those words make me cringe. What am I? A fucking kid? That is what I feel like. Choosing not to pick a fight right now, I ask, “And he’s going to be there for a week while I transition?”

“Yes, he will stay with Lila in case he’s needed.”

Leaning down, he kisses my forehead, and for the first time since our daughter’s birth, I don’t pull away. “I love you very much, Emma. Please know that,” Tyler says these words to me with so much conviction.

“I know that.” However, I have not asked when I’m leaving. Nor have I asked if the baby is okay. I haven’t done anything that a mother would do.

“I’ve missed you this close to me, Ems,” he says, pulling me into an embrace, and I don’t fight him. I’ve missed this, too.

“Why do you still love me, Ty? I have done nothing but tear our family apart.”

Keeping his body as close to mine as he can get, he leans his head back, looking deep into my eyes. “Emma, get this through that pretty and stubborn head of yours. You are my wife. I love you. I’ll walk the earth to make you better. Marriage is tough, and although it seems fucking impossible right now, you are going to get better. We love each other. We more than just love one another, Ems; we are soul mates. We were made for one another, and more so, we are fucking wonderful together.” It is our tagline; we included it in our vows but spelled the word ‘fucking’ for the little ears in the room, making most people laugh. He pauses. “Remember what we would say after we made love? How you fit into me afterward, and my body is carved out to fit all your curves perfectly.”

I feel several tears on my cheeks as he uses his fingers to try to erase each one from my face. “I don’t want to send you away, but, Ems, you are my life, and one day, you will love the life we’ve worked so hard for.”

He doesn’t mention the baby, but I know that is whom he means. “I can’t promise you anything. It seems so bleak right now.” Bleak; is that the word I used to describe the helplessness in which I wanted to end my life less than forty-eight hours ago?

“I know, Ems, and listen, you will get better because you are the toughest badass I know.”

I laugh at him because that is one of his terms of endearments for me. He said it during my labor so many times. “Who is the hottest badass I know?” He would pause, and it irritated my doctor every time he called me this. I would never answer, but in true Tyler “the class clown” fashion, he’d say, “You are, Emma Hunter; you are the hottest and toughest badass I know.”

He tilts my head to the side, kissing me on the lips, and this time, I kiss him back. I have missed him; there is no question about that.