Chapter Ten

Cop Car

Mandee

“Today is the day I have prepared for all my life, Tritt,” I say, laughing as I step out of the shower.

He rubs against my wet leg. I swear he looks up and rolls his eyes at me.

“Okay, fine, it’s not my big day, but it’s something I have dreamed about for as long as I can remember.” I stick my tongue out at him and grab my brush. As soon as I turn on the blow dryer, he is out the door. “Chicken,” I call after him and laugh.

Blowing my hair out, I reflect on the past week and sigh. It’s been emotional, confusing, almost sexual, and kind of disappointing. Above all, I feel like life is again being breathed into my lungs.

The positive. My freak out seemed to have pushed my father. Dad seems to have had seven years of weight lifted off his shoulders. More than seven, I suppose, but the past seven have been the hardest. The years Mom was here, until the light left her eyes, he had fight in him. A fight and a calm that mixed as well as Jack Daniels Tennessee Honey and peach iced tea.

I breathe out as I roll my round brush through my hair and continue doing the thing that I, Mandee Carlen, do best—reel in the feelings.

Jack Daniels Tennessee Honey and peach iced tea is the drink that fills one of the new coolers. All in pretty, little mason jars with handles and red and black flannel ribbon tied around them.

Juliana, the bride, is pregnant, so a champagne toast is off the proverbial table, and she wanted something her future husband would like. Phoenix took my suggestions, and he tasted all of them. Jack Daniels Tennessee Honey and peach iced tea won.

Most of our planning has been over FaceTime. Juliana has a broken leg, is pregnant, and isn’t really into being too far from home—their home.

No bachelor or bachelorette parties and no showers. Just a small and very personal wedding to be held at their home. Then the reception is at Carlin’s.

I have not allowed myself to feel since that day with Grayson, and then when he told me it wasn’t going to happen.

My feelings, the ones we cannot control and try to avoid, I knowingly allowed them to happen. The hurt caused by allowing myself to think that a man like him would honestly be as attracted to me as I was to him, I am almost embarrassed I allowed them. He has never been anything but straightforward, yet I find myself wishing I could somehow change his mind.

Blue has been around a little more than usual. It’s weird. He calls himself my boyfriend. Hell, everyone calls him that. Sometimes I think maybe, just maybe, I am a horrible human for allowing desire to trump reason. Regardless, he leaves soon.

I have been coming to terms with the realization that if everyone else believes Blue and I are good for each other, then I should do the same. They all seem more at ease around me and that always makes me happy. However, it’s only for a summer.

Yet, Grayson creeps in. Every time Blue kisses me, hugs me, gets close to me, his words...those possessive and sexy words, creep in.

“He doesn’t get to touch your body. The second my cock is splitting you in half, that motherfucker doesn’t even get to cop a feel.”

I am thankful I am in a towel, because the panties and bra I ordered special for today are different than my everyday white, and they would be a tad...wet right now if I were wearing them. Special ordered panty and bra, the first since moving home.

Dad takes care of all the finances and gets all the statements. I always stick with virgin white, because once I ordered lace, and he didn’t say a darn thing about it, but I saw him get tense, almost angry while at his desk. I waited until he left his office to look over what it was that had sprung on that discomfort in him and realized what it was. I never did it again. This transaction was cash to Phoenix when she was ordering from Victoria Secrets on her card. No questions asked or explanations needed. Thank God.

Thankfully, this week has been busy and thoughts of Grayson were only once in a while. Maybe more than once in a while, like when I saw a motorcycle light outside the bar, or heard a song that was overtly sexual, or when I had to stop myself from going to the lake, not wanting him to see me as desperate. Nevertheless, I have been busy all the same, with wedding preparation and working side by side with Dad to learn the things about the bar he’s never taught me, like ordering, the banking, payroll, and scheduling hours.

I walk out into the bedroom and toward my closet. The bridesmaid dress is with Phoenix at Falcon’s Landing, so I grab a pink floral sundress and toss it on my bed. Then I turn back to my closet and dig deep behind the clothes, pulling out the little bag my goodies are in.

I smile while pulling out the black corset and matching black thong. After I put them on, I stand in front of my full-length mirror and look myself over.

I feel sexy, almost naughty, which also makes me smile. Then I scold myself inside for allowing those thoughts before quickly realizing these will be under my dress and no one will know. It is and will be my secret.

Once again, I smile.

Dressed, I finish packing my overnight bag since I will be staying at the Landing tonight with Phoenix in her cabin. Dad was fine with the idea since he will be leaving at four in the morning for his much overdue vacation.

He has been constantly repeating to himself that I am a grown woman who can handle the added responsibility. I am unsure if he’s trying to convince himself or me, but I am truly excited about a girls’ night with my best friend.

I am also excited that, with added responsibility, seems to come added me time. Two people have been added to our staff of now five, including Dad and I. Phoenix and I will always work nights together. Those also happen to be the only two nights I am now scheduled to work. Pearl and I will work Monday through Friday days, and I will do a swing shift Friday night. Saturday, I will be working during the day, unless we have live entertainment, which for the next three weeks while he is gone, we won’t.

Dad thinks it’s too much for me. I think, if that’s what it takes to see him smile even if it’s just every so often, and it makes the possibility of us both living more and existing less, I will do just about anything.

I walk out of my room to find Dad at the counter with my coffee. When he hands it to me, I take a big sip.

“You look beautiful, Mandee,” he says, and I nearly choke. “Just like your mother.”

The choking sensation is replaced with a smile and tears filling my eyes.

He continues, “I trust you. And although this is going to be hard, the thought of you...” He stops and looks down. “I don’t want you to not live, Mandee.”

“I don’t want that for you, either,” I tell him.

He nods. “I’m trying, Doodlebug.”

The word “Doodlebug” brings a smile to my face. He hasn’t called me that since I was about ten.

“Still that girl.” He nods and clears his throat. “Not crayons, paints, or tape anymore, but still always happiest when creating. That’s your gift. Your mom knew it. I must have forgot. Seeing you with that planner, the decorations in the new addition, I’m thinking maybe when I get back, maybe that’s your focus—events.”

I set my cup down and hug him tightly. “Are you sure?”

“Yeah, Doodlebug, I’m sure.” He squeezes me back. “You better get up to the Landing. Those girls are gonna need you and your attention to detail. Nothing more important than the day you commit to loving one person for the rest of your life.”

“In sickness and in health, Daddy,” I tell him, hoping that’s a reminder that the vows he said didn’t say you died the day the person you loved did. “You did that. You—”

He kisses the top of my head then steps back. “I know that. Now get out of here. I’ll see you at the bar.”

“You mean the venue?” I smile.

“Sure do, Doodlebug.”

§

Turning down the driveway about a quarter mile past the main drive into Falcon’s Landing, onto the dirt road to Garrett and Juliana’s home, the place they will get married, my phone rings.

I hit the control on my steering wheel and say hello.

“Good morning, Mandee.”

“Morning, Blue.”

“You heading up to see Phoenix?”

“Yep, it’s the big day,” I say, allowing my excitement to sound in my voice, and he laughs.

“I know you’ll be busy. I just wanna make sure you’ll save me a dance.”

“Of course,” I answer as my thoughts fly to that one sentence Grayson spoke to me. Then I push the thoughts of Grayson out of my mind and say goodbye to Blue.

I put my vehicle in park and step out. I scan the cars in search of his motorcycle, but I don’t see it. I breathe out a sigh of relief, and then in a breath of pure nervousness as I walk past the garage toward the front porch. I stop when I hear a guitar playing, thoughts of all those years ago flooding me.

“Like that?” I hear a little boy’s voice and know it’s Brandon.

Then I hear his. “Just like that, little man.”

“Am I ever gonna be as good as you?” Brand asks, and I wait for clarification, because in my head, I know. Then I cover my mouth to stifle realization’s gasp.

“Gonna be better than me,” Garrett says on a laugh. “I didn’t start playing until my folks bought this place when I was much older than you. Didn’t even play in front of anyone.”

“Where did you play?” Brand asks.

“I played for the trees, the lake, and the wind,” he answers.

“Did ya always sing?” Brand asks.

“Always tried.” Gray laughs. “Never very good at it.”

“Dad and Xavier think you have something special. They think you could be a star,” Brand tells him.

“Only star I care to be is one in your eyes, little man. How am I doing?”

Brand laughs. “Really good, Uncle Gray. Really, really good.”

I hear a door squeak as it opens.

“Needs some oil.” I think it’s Garrett’s voice.

“I’ll get it, Dad,” Brand says, and then I hear little footsteps coming toward me.

My first thought is to run and hide, but I can’t, not today, maybe not ever. Therefore, I put one foot in front of the other as I now breathe in courage.

As soon as I walk around the porch, Brand runs right into me, and we both topple over.

“I’m sorry, little lady. Are you okay?” Brand asks, jumping up quickly.

I can’t help laughing.

“Everything okay?”

I look away from Brand to see Garrett Falcon walking toward me.

“Think I ruined her pretty dress, Dad,” Brand says, and I look down.

Quickly, I grab the hem to hide my now showing sexy panties as I scoot around, trying to pull it down since it’s stuck under my ass.

I hear a chuckle and look up.

Grayson.

“Might be easier to stand up.” He walks past Garrett, stands in front of Brand, and holds out his hand.

When I scowl at him, he shakes his head, lips quirked a bit. Then he bends down and grabs my elbow. When I yank it back, both his eyebrows shoot up.

“Dad, she has black...” Brand begins, and then I hear a muffled, “panties.”

“Come on, Brand; let’s go grab that oil.” Garrett chuckles.

Gravel crunches as they walk away, and then Gray squats down.

He’s close, too damn close, as he lifts his sunglasses. His eyes, those deep brown eyes, stare intently at me, so close I think he’s doing it purposely to swallow me up whole in his scent, his presence...him.

“Black?”

“What?” I gasp, knowing exactly what he means.

“Liked the white a hell of a lot better,” he says, trying his best not to smirk.

“They aren’t for you,” I hiss quietly.

All playfulness and expression leaves his face. “Blue gonna finally get up inside that?”

“Who says he hasn’t already?” I ask, pushing myself up to stand. Then I walk around him.

I swear I hear a growl.

“Let Blue have it.”

I don’t like how I respond to him, like I am constantly playing defense, almost selling myself, and I am no one’s whore.

I force myself to turn and face him. Immediately, I am infuriated. I poke him in the chest, and his eyes widen in an almost shock, but then narrow again quickly.

“Maybe you need to talk to someone about your indecisiveness, Grayson. One minute, he can’t touch me. The next, you won’t. And now you’re giving me ‘permission’?” I air quote. “I don’t need your permission.” I poke him again, and now...now I know he growled because he does it again. “Just leave me alone.”

He grabs my hand and pulls me hard against him, shocking me. “After that shit in college, you shouldn’t be so damn willing to put yourself at the mercy of a man who just wants to fuck you, Mandee.” He lets go of me and steps back. “Me indecisive?” he huffs. “Consider yourself lucky I’m doing the right thing by you. Blue? Blue isn’t your fucking color, hot lips.” He looks down at my chest and sees what I know is my nipples poking straight out like arrows to what is my damn color—Gray. “You do need to get laid, though. It’s a pity you’re friends with my future sister-in-laws and that I have to worry about my fucking family.”

“What does that even mean?” I call out as he turns and walks away.

He turns to look back at me. “Stay away. It means, stay the hell away,” he says, teeth clenched.

“Everything okay?” I look to see a woman, who is no doubt his mother, walking toward us.

Grayson puts his arm around her and turns her. He kisses the top of her head and says, “It’s a great day to be alive.”

She puts her arm around his waist and laughs. “If you say so, Grayson.”

“I do.”

She looks back at me, and from everything Phoenix has told me about her, I expect a look meant to kill. What I get is a smile. But before I have a chance to give her one back, they are gone.

It takes little time to collect myself. I’m used to this—acting like everything is okay. I just take a deep breath and walk around the house, covering my heart with my hand.

“Looks good?”

I look back as Phoenix walks off the porch toward me and nod, unable to speak for fear I may cry.

Phoenix is the one person I don’t have to hide tears from. She would no doubt think it was just a normal Mandee moment, lost in love and happy ever afters.

“You’ll ruin your makeup,” she says, walking toward me.

“I brought more,” I tell her as I look at the scene before me. “This is everything and more than I envisioned,” I tell her, wiping a few fallen tears away as I look at what will be the alter, country-fied.

Two barn doors are the backdrop to the stage where they will say their I do’s. There are hay bales lined up like pews covered in burlap, a burlap aisle runner, and everything except flowers and the bows on the ends of the rows.

“Flowers?” I ask Phoenix.

“Juliana said it’s perfect.”

I shake my head. “Pew bows?”

“She said—”

“Go inside, get dressed, and give me twenty minutes.”

I don’t wait for her to say anything, I start looking around for flowers.

I see the woman, who I know must be Mags, coming down the hill in a scooter as I begin walking toward an overgrown field, hoping to find at the very least some white flowers. I’m almost tempted to grab my phone and message Dad to have him grab some of the flowers from the bar and bring them, but I know I have less than an hour, and unless I find some within ten minutes, it will not be perfect.

The scooter stops a few feet from me. “Where you headed, sweet girl?”

“Mags?” I smile.

“Mandee?” She smiles back.

I reach out and shake her hand while I tell her, “Seems the flowers didn’t make it here and the pew”—I laugh—“though I should say bail bows, didn’t make it, so I’m just hoping to come across something I’m probably not going to find up here.”

“What kind of magic are you looking for?” she asks, still smiling.

“White, red, heck, even brown flowers, just to add some pop to the alter.”

“Sweet girl, there is no more magical place than Falcon’s Landing,” she tells me with an almost mischievous smile. “You been here, right?”

I nod.

“Right next to Phoenix’s cabin is mine. That’s where my boy Gray crashes most nights. Well, when he’s not in the woods. That boy is hard to hold down.”

I do my best to keep a smile on my face, waiting for her to continue, and cross my fingers at my sides, hoping to keep this smile on, even though she mentioned his name.

“I love sunflowers. There are a million of them out there in some of my flower beds.”

Sunflowers and burlap are going to totally clash with the black and red, I think to myself.

“There are more than just that. Lots and lots of flowers to choose from.” She starts up her scooter. “Let me go get one of the boys to take—”

“No, they’re all so busy. I’m sure I can manage. I’ll be just a few minutes. Thank you.”

I hurry as fast as I can, hoping not to break a sweat and ruin my hair that I know is absolutely perfect today, as I make my way to the cabins.

Once I get there, I walk out back and see the sunflowers. They are so tall, at least eight feet, and although sunflowers were never my favorite, I am instantly changed.

I walk around them to see what else I can find, and my heart leaps to my throat when I see the beautiful red Gerber daisies growing in one, two, three, four, five rows.

I look up toward Heaven and smile as tears once again come to my eyes.

“It’s a great day to be alive, Mom,” I say as I swipe away the first fallen tear. “Thank you. Thank you so much.”

I thank her because, as often as I think about her, it seems that the little tells or signs she used to send to me when I was at my lowest, starting with the man in the woods, have been coming few and far between.

More tears fall because I feel I am able to let loose the guilt I still feel for pushing my father to a near breaking point just a few days ago.

I bat away the tears as I walk over and bend down to pick the first of the flowers. I hold it to my nose and more tears fall.

Okay, okay, I almost laugh at myself. Stop. It’s a happy day.

“I got the daisies picked for a wedding day,” I begin singing my own words to the of tune of most inspiring song I can imagine, “Great Day To Be Alive.” “I got signs from Heaven it will be okay. It’s a perfect thing, but I just got to sing, so I know I’m doing life right. It’s a great day to be alive. The sun is shining when I close my eyes. There’s some hard times in the neighborhood, but why can’t everyone’s love be this good.”

From behind me, I hear, “You do know those aren’t the words, don’t you?”

My body stiffens immediately, embarrassment, anger...definitely embarrassment, flood me. But I will not let him mess up this moment.

I turn around and shake my head. “Can you just leave me alone?”

“Could, but Mags would have my ass,” he says, pushing the sunflowers to the side so I can see him.

“Well, why shouldn’t she? Everyone else has had it,” I say, then immediately regret it.

He bites the inside of his cheek to stop from laughing. I’m sure it’s at me, not with me.

“Laugh it up.” I start to turn when he reaches out and catches my chin in his hand and swipes it under my eyes.

“I make you cry?”

I pull back from his touch. “Would it make your ego any bigger if I said—”

He lets out an exaggerated sigh, interrupting me. “Can’t stand to see a woman cry, so no, it won’t make my fucking ego any whatever the hell you think it’s doing.”

He reaches up with his other hand, and I see a pair of shears. He uses them to snip a sunflower.

“I don’t need your help,” I tell him as I turn around.

I reach to snap a stem, but he pulls my hand back.

“You do that, you’ll be happy I was here to save that ass of yours from Mags’ wrath.” He lets go of my hand and gives me the scissors. Then he picks up a galvanized bucket and sets it down by my feet. “They can go in here.”

I go about cutting some flowers, trying to space out the ones I snip as to not leave any bare spots. Out of the corner of my eyes, I see him starting to snap some flowers.

“You need these?” I ask, holding out the scissors. “Mags and the ass having?”

He smirks and lifts up a knife. “Thanks for being concerned about my ass.”

“You were concerned with mine first,” I remind him.

When I turn around again, facing the flowers, I hear that sound again, that growl, and so do my nipples.

Damn him.