Chapter Eight

Burning Inside

Mandee

My legs are shaking, and my body is on fire. I want him. I want Grayson Falcon so bad that I nearly begged for him. I told him I don’t care, and I don’t. I just want to feel him. I want to feel what I have seen with my own eyes, feel his body, that gorgeous body of his against mine. I want to watch him look at me while he makes me fall apart like I know he would.

I know without a doubt that he would respect me. I know I would respect him.

I get hot just hearing him speak his kind of truth. There is no false promise of forever.

He doesn’t seem the type to care about what others would think. I don’t want to hurt him, and God, I know he doesn’t want to hurt me. This...This could work.

Once down the ladder, I follow him, nearly running to keep up with his long, quick strides.

I hear Blue again and wonder why he’s here. Why on earth is he here?

I’m annoyed, embarrassed, nervous. I’m a damn mess.

As we get closer to the area where I walked into the water, Gray stops and looks at me. His look has changed. He’s annoyed. Very, very annoyed.

“What?”

“You been swimming here like that”—he motions up and down my body—“a lot?”

“Not in a while, but—”

“There you are,” Blue says, making his way toward us, eyes focused on me.

I wave at him, but turn back to Gray to answer his question. “When I was younger, yes.”

Grayson nods, his jaw muscles popping, then he begins to walk toward where I’m parked.

“What’s going on?” Blue asks. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” I answer, still watching Gray, not wanting this moment—our moment—to end so soon.

“Your dad was worried,” he says.

“You talked to my dad?” I ask in a tone that doesn’t mask my annoyance all that much, and he looks somewhat shocked.

I don’t wait for an answer; I already know he did. I start walking toward the edge of the forest, to my truck.

“Thought we had plans today,” he says from behind me.

Shit, I think. Breakfast. I promised him we could go to breakfast, but after last night with Grayson, I forgot. After this morning with Dad, I’m not surprised that I did.

“Sorry, I forgot,” I tell him, still watching Grayson.

“You know I would have been there for you, Mandee. If you needed to talk, you could have called me,” Blue says, his tone a little less Blue-like.

“I wanted to be alone,” I say, looking back at him.

“But you called him?” he asks.

“No, of course not.” I pause and look back at him. “This is his family’s land. I had no idea. I didn’t know he was here.”

Relief floods his face.

“But Blue, if I want to talk to him, I can. We’re dating, not—”

“I know,” he cuts me off. “But I don’t want you to date anyone else.”

“I haven’t.” It’s not a lie.

“But, do you want to? Is that what this is about? You, him—”

I stop and look back at him. “No.”

He stops, too, and looks at me. “Okay. But if you do want to, I want to know.”

It is none of his business, or is it? God, what am I doing?

I shake my head and turn around.

“Your dad said you were upset,” he says. “He was worried about you. Even said he felt bad.”

I hear a smile in his voice and turn to him, where he is now at my side.

“That’s a first, huh?” he jokes.

I nod. “Yeah, Blue, it is.”

When we get to the truck, he grabs my hand and stops me from getting in. “We could still make a late lunch. You have a couple hours, right?”

I look past him and up the road. Grayson is walking on the side of it.

“I’m not feeling it today. Sorry, Blue.”

He nods. “Okay then. See you tonight?”

I nod in reply. “Sure.”

I get in and watch Blue already in his Ford, pulling out onto the road. Then I see him pull over next to Grayson. Grayson shakes his head and continues to walk. Blue remains next to him, leaning out the window.

I wish I knew what he was saying. Knowing Blue, he’s offering him a ride.

Grayson looks back at me, then back toward Blue and gives a quick nod, before walking around the truck and getting in the passenger side of his truck.

Blue pulls out on the road and continues on.

I have no idea what it is they are talking about. For all I know, he’s asking Grayson to go fishing again. Hopefully Grayson is telling him no...again.

I watch as they continue down the road. I know I can’t do anything about it. I’m not sure I would if I could.

Blue is a great guy. He’s nice, kind, polite, and my father likes him, but that pull, desire, the butterflies dancing inside of my belly, that isn’t there with him. The feelings that were—are—God, I’m so confused. I think it was always because of the comfort he gives, and knowing he was liked by my father made it easy to get Dad’s approval in doing things with him.

I look down at my phone. Seventeen missed calls from Dad, Blue, and Phoenix, and just as many mixed text messages.

I look at Phoenix’s first.

-Where the hell are you? Your dad is flipping out. With Blue?

And the other that followed:

-Not with Blue. I’m worried now. Message me!

I reply with:

-I just needed to clear my head. I’m fine. See you tonight.

I toss the phone on the seat next to me then pull out onto the road and head toward home. I need to change.

When I pull in, I see my dad’s truck is still in the driveway when I know he should be at the bar. Knowing he’s still here because of me makes me want to throw the truck in reverse and head out to find a new place to hide since Blue now knows about my place. There isn’t much chance of hiding there anymore. Instead, I get out and decide to face him.

I get to the door and reach for the handle when it opens.

He looks at me, eyes shifting from one of mine to the next, waiting for me to say something.

I should apologize, tell him I’m sorry, but I hold back the words that come naturally. The ones I would tell him, to take the expected trail laid before me, Mandee, daughter of the dead woman and the man who isn’t even living. Instead, I say nothing.

He reaches out, and I step back.

“Mandee, dammit.” His voice sounds hoarse, making me nervous as he reaches out and grabs me, pulling me into a very unexpected hug. “Don’t do that again. Don’t take off and make me worry again. I cannot lose you. I can’t. I won’t.”

“You are,” I cry, cursing the damn tears, and he hugs me tighter. “You’re pushing me away, Dad. You and I are existing. Have been almost as far back as my memories take me.” I can’t stop. I want to shut the hell up, but I can’t stop. “What happens when, in a few years, I can’t even picture the good times anymore? What happens when my memories are in pictures, and my mind is so cloudy they are barely visible? What happens then? I lose happy. I lose her! And here you and I are, just existing!”

His grip on me tightens as he pulls me in closer, hugging me, just simply hugging me. “Been trying, Mandee. Every time I’ve let go a little, things happen to you. College, those boys—”

“I put myself in that position.” I cry louder as he moves us into the house, closing the door behind him.

“You had no damn choice, no voice, no—”

I push away and turn my back to him, not wanting to see his face when I tell him what happened that no one, except Phoenix, knows of that night.

“I got drunk by choice. I went to a party by choice. I—”

“You were more than likely drugged,” he interrupts.

“We don’t know that!” I snap. “We don’t! I chose to be in that situation. They were drunk, too. Just stop, okay? I am no one’s victim! I chose to live, and love, and not be the daughter of a sick and dying woman anymore!”

“And look where the hell that landed you? All over that stupid internet, being handled like a little...” He stops when I turn around to look him in the eyes.

“Whore?”

“I never said that,” he snaps.

“Everyone else did.”

“No one here. No one in town who knows you and knows what you’ve lived, and—”

“I exist here!” I cry out. “You exist here! We do not live!”

His eyes widen, and he swallows hard before speaking. “First, you never say that you chose that, not ever. Next, I am doing the best I can, Mandee. You didn’t come with a manual, and she”—his voice breaks, and with it, my heart—“my wife, your mother, is gone. She is never coming back, and I may hold onto you tighter because I am terrified I’ll lose you, too. When I let go, you nearly got raped. And I will not dishonor your mother and her love for you, for us, by simply moving on. I am her husband. I am your father, always.”

“She’s gone,” I say, watching him tear himself apart before me. “She’s gone, Dad. We didn’t choose when she left. Neither did she. But she died, and honoring her would be to live.”

He turns his back to me, hiding the feelings he has repressed for years. I don’t want to see him fall apart anymore, but we can’t live like this forever.

I walk up and hug him from behind. I feel his body tremble slightly, and then I feel something wet against my arm. A tear, and this time, it’s not mine.

“I love you, Dad, but we need to live.”

“I tried. I cleaned out her closet, I donated her things, the ones I didn’t think you’d want, I got a damn haircut, and I went on a goddamned date that night, Mandee. That night...” His voice cracks again. “And look what happened to you!”

I am shocked. So shocked. But not by his admission. I’m shocked by the fact he seems to feel like he was punished for his attempt to move on.

I squeeze my daddy a little tighter and whisper through my tears, “It was not your fault, Dad. It wasn’t your fault.”

I feel more tears against my skin as his body shakes.

“She loved us. She would never want us to be just existing.”

We stand there until the tension between us seems to pass, the tears stop falling, and neither is angry anymore.

“I’m proud of you, Mandee, for that fight to stay in school and finish. Your mother would have done the same. I know you’re growing up, and I’m trying the best I can to let it happen.” He turns around and looks down at me. “I’m trying. Swear I am. You got that little cat and Blue...Things are heading in the right direction.”

I force a smile, one for him.

He seems to sense that it isn’t authentic. “You like him?”

“I do like him, yes,” I answer, looking down.

I hear him chuckle before he says, “He’s a good kid.”

I nod.

“Now tell me where you ran off to.”

“Same place I have since I was old enough to drive.”

He cocks his head to the side, looking at me with questioning eyes.

“When I was overwhelmed and needed to cry, to scream, to leave it all behind, I went to the woods, to the lake, and did all those things.”

“When?” He seems shocked.

“Probably when you were too busy to notice.”

“I’m sorry, Mandee. I am so—”

“No. Don’t be sorry for anything in the past, Dad. But please decide to look forward to what could be in the future.”

“Your mom’s words in that book of yours?”

I nod. “Yeah.”

“Smartest woman I have ever known.”

The next hour, it was as if Dad rewound the clock. I used the bathroom, and he made coffee. When I came out, he handed me a cup. We drank our coffee while sitting at the table. He told me Pearl and a woman who used to work for him and my mom were taking care of the bar. He thought that a couple people needed to be added to the very small staff for the Falcon wedding, and that maybe he could keep them on so he and I could try this living thing out a little more. I couldn’t have agreed more, so I didn’t.

§

When I get to work, Gray’s sexy ride is still parked out back. I’m excited that he will be here tonight to get it.

Looking through the wedding binder, I am happy that the first wedding is going to be perfect.

“You like all this stuff?” Dad asks, looking over my shoulder at the book.

“I do.” I laugh a little at my choice of words.

“You’re a lot like your mom, Mandee,” he says with an almost sad smile. “She loved all that stuff, too.”

I smile as he gives my hand a squeeze, showing affection, right before he quickly heads to his office. I know it’s hard for him, but maybe, just maybe, Mom made this happen, too.

“Love you, Mom,” I whisper out loud.

I am wiping down the bar as Pearl comes out from the back.

She gives me a quick hug and nods toward Dad’s office. “Everything okay?”

“Yeah, I think so.”

As I clean up and get the coolers stocked, I think of Grayson and all that I know will be amazing with him.

When I walk back into the office to grab some bottles, Dad is sitting in his desk chair, looking down and reading the paper.

I like this time of day when it’s slow and he seems a little relaxed. Today he seems even more so. I’m not happy about our fight, but if him shedding a few tears brings on a change, I will know it was worth it.

He holds up the paper. “Been thinking about going away for a few days after this wedding. Joe and Lance have been asking me to for a couple years. They come fish at my lake, so I think I should go fish theirs.” He stands up and sets the paper down. Then he grabs a couple bottles off the shelf and hands them to me before grabbing more. “You think you, Pearl, and Stella could handle—”

“Yes,” I interrupt and smile. “Yes. Go have fun, Dad.”

“Live?” he asks as we walk out to put the bottles where they belong.

“Yes, please, Dad, live.”

A little while later, I am sitting at the empty bar, with Dad beside me, reading another paper, while I look over the timeline for the reception.

First dance, dinner, garter toss, bouquet toss, cake, and then we dance.

The bar door opens up.

“Where the hell were you?” Phoenix asks as soon as she walks in the door.

Dad chuckles, and she stops dead in her tracks, looking at him pretty much the way I expect—shocked.

I look back at Dad, who notices her look and rolls his eyes.

“I’ll be in my office,” he says as he stands and walks away.

Then I see Gage following behind her, and my heart quickens when I see Grayson behind him.

I can’t stop the smile from creeping up.

Phoenix leans over the bar toward me. “So, it was Blue?”

I look up quickly to see his reaction. His eyebrow creeps up with a slight warning.

“Told you; I just needed to clear my head,” I answer.

She eyes me like she’s a trained interrogator, and then nods, still eyeing me. I hold her eyes, not letting her get the idea that I’m not being honest.

Feeling guilty, I then put my hands behind me and cross my fingers. I feel childish doing so, but hey, maybe they’re right about my shitty informative years. If so, I don’t care. Why don’t I care? Because something magnificent happened today. Today, I was given hope by my father that someday he will start living again, and that means that I, too, can truly start living. The other was Grayson Falcon agreeing to be with me in a way I want to be...with him.

I look out of the corner of my eyes at him. Gage’s back is to me, and Grayson is looking at him with that invisible mask, the mask that covers his face whenever Blue is around. Now I see it with his own brother, as well. Kind of makes me excited, like he may let it down just for me.

I smile at him, and he squints. However, that mask, it doesn’t even fade.

The hope I had in living again; the hope of a man who I am wildly attracted to, who is without lies and deceitful intention; the hope of the man I know I can trust, who is who he says he is, and will be the one who allows me to explore the side of me I so badly want to explore, without being crushed while doing so, is no longer appearing to be that.

No, his mask doesn’t fade, but my hope, it does.