CHAPTER TWENTY
Alec woke with Cordelia in his arms. With her soft warmth pressed along the length of his body, as he listened to her deep, even breathing and took in the smile on her lips even as she slept, he realized he’d never felt so happy, so content, so at peace.
But when she stirred, he forced himself to let go and slide out of bed.
It wasn’t what he wanted. Hell no, it wasn’t. For the first time in his life, Alec was tempted to chuck in everything he knew to be true about love and try to give his heart to Cordelia. He wished he could pretend that he was capable of a happily-ever-after, that he could believe a real relationship with her wouldn’t be a house of cards that would come blowing down at the first storm.
Alec made himself step into a freezing cold shower, standing beneath the icy spray just long enough to soap up and wash off. His movements felt robotic as he dried off, then dressed in a suit. But he had to do it, had to make sure he’d shifted one hundred percent back into real life before Cordelia got out of bed and her gorgeous curves, her sleepy eyes, her radiant smile, tempted him back down a road he knew he shouldn’t keep traveling.
He’d never cared this much about anyone. Never thought he was capable of caring this much about a woman. All his life, he’d proved to everyone that he was happy being alone. Now, he had to prove it with Cordelia. Even if it was killing him to pull away from her like this.
He was in the kitchen drinking his first cup of coffee when she walked in, hair wet from a shower. She was wearing her pretty shirt and jeans from the night before.
“Good morning.” There were no shadows in her eyes. No awkwardness in her movements as she went to the coffee machine and poured herself a cup. “The view from here is positively amazing on a clear morning. Do you ever get used to it?”
For a moment—more than one actually—he was speechless. Despite her having said that she understood last night wouldn’t mean they were in a relationship, a part of him had thought that the intensity, the brilliance, of their lovemaking might have changed her mind. Changed her the same way it felt like she changed him every time they were together.
But she seemed totally fine on this morning after. Perfectly happy to move on from their sizzling hot night and embrace the day ahead just as friends.
He was glad, of course. The last thing either of them needed was some big scene about how she wanted more than just friendship and why he couldn’t give that to her. He worked to shove away a foolish feeling of disappointment as he said, “Honestly, I like the view from your cottage better.”
She looked surprised, but also pleased, by his comment. “Really?”
How could I not, when it means you’re there? He bumped the heel of his hand into his forehead as if to knock out the forbidden thought. “I’ve looked at city buildings for most of my life,” he explained. “Your garden is something new.”
When she remained silent, he tried to think of something else to say to keep things from getting awkward. He’d never felt tongue-tied around a woman before. The morning after had always been easy, smooth. But today everything felt different. As though last night they’d crossed some sort of emotional boundary, some invisible heart-shaped barrier. And now he didn’t know how to get back to where they’d started.
Finally, he said, “What do you have on tap today?” Hell, in a minute he was going to be asking her about the freaking weather.
Thankfully, she didn’t look like she thought anything was out of the ordinary as she said, “Just another day in paradise. What about you?”
He couldn’t push away a feeling of dismay that it had already come to this—talking about the view from his apartment and their daily office schedules. Then again, this was where things needed to be between them, wasn’t it? Even, steady ground. No big emotional highs meant no big emotional lows. After all, Alec’s entire life had been about avoiding the emotional swings his mother and father had seemed to thrive on.
“Our quarterly staff meeting starts at ten,” he told her. “It’s always a good chance to get feedback from everyone. Especially now that I’m going to be making some major changes.”
“Because Gordon’s gone?”
“S&W Aviation was his dream.” Alec hadn’t been willing to admit this to anyone. Even himself. But he suddenly needed Cordelia to know. “Don’t get me wrong, I loved the power, the thrill, the chase, the wins.”
“Past tense,” she noted. “Loved.”
He blew out a breath. “Gordon and I brought in the best people from around the globe to work with us. Women and men who know exactly how the business should run, where it should go, what makes people want to book with us. Most important, they come to the office excited every day. This past week I’ve realized that’s who should be running S&W—someone who’s excited about it. And that just isn’t me anymore.”
“You’re going to step down as CEO?”
“Not right away. But soon. Honestly, it’s not the same without Gordon. I’ve realized this week that it was never about the planes, it was about our friendship. And without that, there doesn’t seem to be much point.”
He waited for her to push him on embarking on a cooking career now that his aviation business wasn’t going to be taking up all of his time. Instead, she simply said, “I’m proud of you. For knowing you’re ready for a change.” It had been the perfect opening for her to try to convince him to open a restaurant. But she wasn’t at all predictable this morning.
He wished he could tell her to take a seat at the kitchen island while he whipped up something for them to eat. Chopping, using his frying pan, watching her enjoy his food—all of those things would help to settle him down.
But his meetings this morning meant they couldn’t share a long, cozy breakfast together. They’d had a good night, and now they had to say good-bye, two friends who, thankfully, had managed not to screw things up with each other.
She took her cup over to the sink and rinsed it out. “I’ll be around at the nursery all week if you want to discuss the menu for your father’s party.”
“Thanks. I already texted Harry, Suz, and Drake to let them know not to worry.”
She gave him a big smile. “I’m sure they were happy to hear that.”
It was the hope in her smile that worried him. Clearly, she understood that their relationship could never go any further than it already had. Somehow, he needed to make her understand that his relationship with his father was at the end of its line too. “I know you mean well, but—”
“Butt out?”
“In a nutshell, yeah.”
Clearly frustrated with him, she inhaled deeply, then blew her breath out slowly. He could almost hear her counting to ten inside her head before she spoke. “Your father’s ring tone—I hear it a lot on your phone.” She held up a hand before he could reply. “It’s not that I’m stalking your phone or anything, it’s just that he calls a lot. He wants to make amends, doesn’t he?”
Alec shrugged. “I gave up trying to figure him out a long time ago.”
“Why?”
“When someone disappoints you enough times, you get to a point where you stop caring.”
“But what if you can’t stop?”
For a moment, he almost thought she had jumped from talking about his father to talking about them. About the fact that it was nearly impossible to stop himself from caring more and more about her every day.
When he didn’t reply, she came closer. It amazed him how she was never afraid to come toe to toe, face to face with him, even during difficult discussions—whereas he had spent a lifetime doing whatever it took to avoid that kind of situation.
“I know things were bad when you were a kid,” she said softly. “Really bad. But all I can think is that if you already don’t have a relationship with your father, then what do you really have to lose if you give him another chance now?”
“There’s nothing left to lose. She’s already gone.”
He didn’t realize he’d spoken the words out loud until he saw the shock on Cordelia’s face. “Your mom.” Her words came at him as if through a thick, soupy fog. “You blame him for what your mom did.” He could almost see the lightbulb go on over her head. She stared at him in horror as she asked, “Do you think he had a part in her suicide?”
“Of course he did.” His words were crisp, ice cold. As cold as he suddenly felt, head to toe. “He should have known she wasn’t happy. He should have done something about it, something more than just painting more and more canvases of her. He should have figured out how to make her smile. He should have reminded her that there were reasons to keep living. Four kids who were counting on her not to leave us.”
“Alec.” She’d whispered his name last night, but never in this anguished tone. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry that your parents hurt you so badly. That they hurt all of you.”
Ever since the day his mother died, Alec had never allowed a chink in his armor. But then Gordon had thrown Cordelia into his life and he’d forgotten that keeping everyone out meant keeping her out too.
Finally, he remembered.
“I need to head into the office now.”
“Alec, please don’t shut me out.”
But they both knew that if he didn’t, there would be hell to pay. “I’ll walk you to your car.”
She stood where she was for a few moments longer, and he guessed she was trying to decide whether she should press the issue. At last, she took her bag from the counter where she’d left it last night, and followed him out the door in silence.
* * *
Cordelia was shaking as she drove out of the city.
It had taken every ounce of self-control to be only his friend this morning. But as soon as she’d awakened and realized he’d taken a shower, was already dressed and brewing coffee, she’d known their night was officially over.
It had been a perfect, sexy, fantasy night, start to finish. A night she refused to regret, even though she was going to need a little time to come back down to earth. It would help to be surrounded by her flowers, her vegetables, her lovely customers. To know that she was back in a life that had always fulfilled her before.
Only, she couldn’t stand the thought of going back to a life without Alec. And from the way he’d shut her out this morning after she’d gone too deep with her questions about his father, she was all but certain that was what he intended. Perhaps even without that intense conversation, he would have tried to shut her out, simply to ensure that she didn’t start getting the wrong idea about their lovemaking actually leading to love.
Coming to a stop in the bumper-to-bumper traffic, she blew out a frustrated breath. Alec Sullivan was the most complicated man she’d ever known. He was also the most caring, helpful, brilliant, and beautiful man on the planet. One she refused to give up on, no matter how much he clearly wished that she would.
The little boy he’d once been who had unconditionally loved his father—and his mother—was still there. She was sure of it. Hopefully cooking for William Sullivan’s birthday party would help Alec remember some of the good things.
But she couldn’t stand the thought of just waiting and hoping. She needed to do something, needed to be proactive. The traffic was at a complete standstill as she pulled out her phone and dialed Information.