Madison

I walk into school a different way to bypass the courtyard.

I hate myself a little with every step.

The grownup version of me wouldn't cower in the corner. The Madison I want to be would own it. I'd walk up to Asher, ask him out, and not care about being rejected. If we would just end up using each other, we would.

I wouldn't fall to pieces over it. I wouldn't care if he didn't want me emotionally.

I'm not that Madison yet though, and I don't know if I could ever get myself to not care about Asher at this point.

I head to my morning classes and tell myself everything is normal.

If anyone stares, I don't pay any attention. I don't care. New Madison wins that one.

At lunch, I head to the bathroom before committing to anything else. It's the one where I saw Loren the other day, and I'm hoping by some chance she's back.

She is. She's applying the cherry red lipstick just like before.

I wish she was there alone, but Kelsey is fixing her hair beside her.

Kelsey sees me when I enter and stops. She turns to face me, and there's a smirk lean to her lips.

"Hello, Madison." She sounds cheery and fake and sickly sweet.

I nod slightly because I can't bring myself to fully ignore her, even though I know I should.

She laughs and shoulders by me, nudging just hard enough that I know it was on purpose.

Loren sees the exchange.

"Hey, Kelsey," Loren's voice booms in the small room.

Kelsey doesn't even turn.

"Is bitch better?"

Kelsey turns around and barks, "What the fuck did you just say to me?"

"Ah, she does hear," says Loren. "Fuck with her again, and we'll have problems."

"Look, I don't have a problem with you."

"You will if you keep pulling shit like that."

"Like I'm afraid of some fat bitch--"

"This fat bitch will check you with every pound she has, so be chill before I freeze you. We clear?"

They stand close together and Kelsey breaks the stare by looking at me.

"Is it fun for you?" she asks me.

I don't respond because I know I'll regret engaging with her. I always do.

"Them, whoever, always sticking up for you when you can't do it for yourself? I hate people like you. You're weak and it disgusts me."

"I don't know what your deal is with me," I say, angry that she's hitting on something I feel is a weakness of mine. One I want to change.

"That's exactly my point," she says, and then she leaves the room, Loren and I both left watching her go.

Loren starts laughing as the door shuts behind her.

"Well that was fun. I was afraid my day was going to be boring."

"I'll take boring any day these days," I say, and the truth of the statement echoes in my chest.

"You know you're doing something right when someone has strong feelings like that. If you weren't doing anything, no one would notice and then no one would hate. It comes with all the good."

"What good? What are we talking about?"

"You're getting out of your own way and talking to people now. She doesn't want the competition because you are competition."

"Is everything about Asher?"

"To Kelsey? I'd say so."

"This is all a mistake. I'm not even with him."

She gives me a look.

"I'm not."

"Right."

I shake off the conversation and start again.

"I wanted to talk to you about the party."

"Are you going?"

"I think so," I say.

"It's an in or out thing. You're either going or you aren't."

"Obviously."

"Don't take this the wrong way, but maybe Kelsey was right. She's misguided as fuck and so jealous she can turn green before your very eyes, but you need to make some decisions."

My cheeks heat again. I hate this.

"I'm going," I say, and I mean it. I'm not going to let Kelsey scare me off.

Loren now faces me, smiling big. She had been fixing her makeup in the mirror before this, occasionally finding my eyes in the reflection, but now she's looking at me head on.

"I knew you would, and now you need me."

"For a ride?"

"Sure, but also to help you schlep off what's left of your shell."

"My shell?"

"If Asher thought he noticed you before, he's got another thing coming."

We make plans to get ready at her place before the party and head there together. I don't know what she has plans, but the new Madison would want me to be down for anything.