Chapter 25 - Not Ready to Give Up
Every day for the last week, a single carnation had been delivered in Emma’s name to the Malone household. There was never a note attached, never anything indicating who the sender was – but they all knew it was Ryan.
Emma had neither seen nor spoken to him since she had kicked him out that day. And though his tender gesture of sending her favorite flowers was beginning to thaw out the ice in her heart, she was still afraid of putting herself back out there to him again. She still felt betrayed, still wondered what other secrets he could be keeping from her, and she wasn’t sure just how long that wariness, that doubt, would continue to last.
And though she would have loved to hide out in the Malones house forever, life dictated otherwise – the Blizzard had another home game later in the evening and whether she liked it or not, she would need to attend and cover the event. And while she didn’t expect to have to deal with Ryan there, she knew she’d encounter Trent at the end of the night. Normally it had been her habit to interview him, as one of the more articulate members of the team.
Would Trent have told the team of the make out session he and Ryan had? Would they think less of her, treat her less professionally than they had up to this point? She didn’t know, and she wasn’t particularly eager to find out, either.
After gathering her things from the spare bedroom she’d commandeered at the Malones – and making sure the flowers were packed properly for transit – Emma finally headed back to her own home, wondering what exactly she’d find there. Would Ryan be there? Would things still be as they were when she left the week before?
When she finally did arrive at her apartment, she found it had been cleaned, top to bottom. She hadn’t seen a house this sparkling clean since she’d left her parents’ home, where they kept a small army of housekeepers to keep the house immaculate. Had Ryan done this, she wondered? Emma moved from room to room, finding that beyond the missing layer of dust, things were as they had been otherwise left by and large.
Emma was hesitant about entering Ryan’s room – what would she find there? Had he moved out, as she angrily had told him to do? But as she walked into the room she discovered that while it appeared he hadn’t been there in several days, only a small amount of his things were actually gone. He’d obviously taken a few days of clothes – and his laptop – but beyond that, there was no obvious indication in this room that anything was amuck.
Soon, Emma wandered back out into the kitchen area, and noticed a vase sitting in the middle of the table with a card propped against it. The vase held more carnations – and she was fairly certain if she added the ones she already had, it would bring her to an even dozen. She hesitated for several minutes before finally grabbing the card. On the outside, it was a generic card with images of flowers on it, but the inside did indeed have a message, the lyrics from a popular song, written out in Ryan’s familiar handwriting, talking about not giving up, about how they were worth it.
Closing her eyes briefly to try to keep from crying, Emma took care to place the card back down on the table and then went to grab the remainder of the carnations to add them to the vase. While she wasn’t sure she was ready to forgive him just yet, she wasn’t ready to give up on them yet, either.
~*~
After a rather uninspired effort by the Blizzard, Emma headed down to the locker room, waiting until one of the players gave her the all-clear signal that they were all decent and ready for interviewing. As she entered, she saw Trent immediately start to open his mouth as if to say something, but she interrupted him, saying softly, “Wait your turn please, Mr. Jarrett.”
Trent blinked, but nodded, lowering his head a bit so he was staring at his hands. With that concern handled, Emma worked her way slowly around the room, finding that none of the players seemed to be treating her any differently than they had the last time she’d talked to them. If they were aware at all what had occurred, they weren’t letting it affect anything.
Soon, after spending most of her time talking with the new goalie, Emma turned off her recorder and turned to face the team, telling them all in the still soft voice. “Thank you, guys. You’re good to go as far as I’m concerned.” Trent started to rise along with his teammates but stopped at Emma’s voice. “It’s your turn now, TJ.”
Once all his teammates had left, Trent turned to face Emma, shoulders still slumped a bit. “Are you intending to give me another tongue lashing?”
Shaking her head at him, Emma sat down in front of what would have been Ryan’s locker, indicating to Trent that he should sit down at his own locker. Once he did, she told him softly, “The anger has faded. Now I’m just confused. Why, Trent? Why would you guys do that to me?”
“It’s not something I’m proud of.” Trent answered in just as a soft of a voice. “I’d found myself attracted to him as time went on, attracted to the way he treated you, the way he proved my expectations wrong. And then there was that fake kiss. And even with my hand in the way, I felt a spark. I needed to see if there was anything more.”
Still shaking her head, Emma asked him, “So you’re attracted to him? Am I going to need to worry about something like this happening again? Or can you respect that at least for now, there’s still a relationship there?”
“I’d like to tell you I wouldn’t do anything, but it’s not up to me, and besides, I think I caught him vulnerable and drunk, and not quite able to truly fight back. Whether it meant anything to him or not, I couldn’t tell you, but if it didn’t, then I won’t interfere again. With either of you. No matter how I feel.”
Raising her eyebrow at him, Emma stated matter-of-factly, “You would almost make it sound like you’re attracted to me as well, Mr. Jarrett.” And when his response was to only look down further, she snorted, muttering at him, “So you’ll kiss him, but not me. I honestly don’t know what to make of you, but more and more I think it’s for the best that we didn’t end up working out.”
He winced hard at that but looked up, telling her, “I cared. I just didn’t know how to act on it. I’d kiss you now to prove it if didn’t think that would just cause more problems. Even with Ryan, I couldn’t act without alcohol. Anything akin to relationships is foreign territory to me. I’m sorry that I took so long, made you think I didn’t care. But I did, more than I knew what to do with. And I’m sorry I keep hurting you, I swear it’s not my intention.”
Sighing, Emma was quite aware Trent wore his heart on his sleeve; she could see the sincerity in his face, hear it in his voice, and she told him in a quiet tone, “Right now, even if I wasn’t going to try and make things work with Ryan, I’d not be able or willing to give you a chance. I don’t know if things will work out with Ryan. He’s going to have to do a lot of work to earn my trust back. Maybe fate circles you and I back together. But right now, I’m more concerned with the moment, the day to day.”
“Understood. Just know I’m genuinely sorry.”
~*~
They were once again sharing a bed, but it was clear to Ryan that much had changed since the last time that had occurred. Beyond that there was nothing even remotely sexual about the current arrangement, he could see that Emma was different. The laughter that had started to appear in her eyes more often had been replaced by the wariness that was present when they first met.
When he’d arrived the previous evening, she’d brought a finger to his mouth and then hugged him tightly. Even when they’d separated, she’d shushed him when he’d tried to speak, to explain, and soon he just followed her without any words to the bedroom. They’d slept – or rather, she’d slept – Ryan just watched her sleep.
When morning came, Ryan had already texted Luke to tell them they were passing on breakfast – he didn’t think Emma would be up for the extra company, and besides, they had things they obviously needed to talk about. He also saw no harm in letting her sleep as late as she wanted – she’d been sleeping about as well as he had during their separation.
Around 10 am she finally started to stir and he leaned down to kiss the top of her head gently. “Good morning.” Ryan told her softly, running his palm along the back of her cotton nightshirt.
slowly, she drew her eyes more open and gazed up at him and Ryan was pleased to see a small smile curl over her lips. “What time is it?” Emma asked with a yawn.
“A bit after 10.” He told her softly, and she nodded and made no effort to get up. “Normal agenda today?”
At that, Emma snorted soft. “Dunno. Let me check my phone, see if work has reached out.” Emma unraveled herself from Ryan’s arms and stretched, yawning while she did so. Rolling out of the bed she wandered off to the other bedroom, returning a minute later with her smart phone, which she was already scrolling through. “No new messages from work.”
“If you don’t have anything planned.” Ryan began cautiously as Emma looked up at him and raised an eyebrow. “Do you think that maybe we could talk about what happened?”
Nodding a bit, Emma put her smart phone on Ryan’s nightstand then climbed back into the bed again, once more curling up against his side. “I’ve heard Devin’s take, Gabi’s take, Trent’s take. I’ve got a general idea of why but…”
“You need to hear it out of the jackass’s mouth?” Ryan asked and Emma smacked his chest for his words. “No, I’m calling a spade a spade here. Or as the case may be, a jackass. I fucked up big, baby. Beyond that we should have never kissed that time at the party, I should have made you aware of it, made you aware of how stupid we were.”
Rubbing her cheek against Ryan’s chest, Emma told him soft, “The anger for that. I got over that relatively soon. What I don’t understand is why, when I’ve been baring my soul to you, you’d hide something so central to you from me.”
He gave her a sad smile at that, leaning down a bit to kiss the top of her head once more. “While not a good excuse, it’s simple and it’s true: I was afraid you’d reject me. That I’d no longer be enough of a man for you.”
His chest was smacked a bit harder for that and he saw a bit of fire in Emma’s eyes. “Ass. You’ve always accepted me for who I am, weirdness included. Why wouldn’t you at least give me the opportunity to do the same?”
Once again Ryan gave her a sad smile, telling her in a soft, but sincere voice. “Because I couldn’t stand the thought of losing you.” He paused for a moment and shook his head a bit. “And I almost did anyways. I wasn’t kidding when I said we’d be stumbling through this relationship process together.”
For what seemed like several minutes, neither of them moved or said a word, until Emma shifted until she was lying on top of Ryan. Gazing down into his eyes, she told him, “I love you. And I’m not ready to give up on us yet.” Leaning in, she kissed him slowly, tenderly, and he just held her, grateful for this second chance. When she finally pulled back, she stared at him again, telling him, “Someone smart told me that relationships are built on honesty, trust, and communication. I think we need to work on all three.”