The house felt empty, smelled musty, and the laughter or signs of life were nowhere in sight. It was my home, but it suddenly didn’t feel like, well, home. Riley moved past me to the guest bedroom, slamming the door behind him.

Both he and I lost more in that cabin than we ever thought imaginable. Everything that Paxton said to me was a lie. He didn’t want me for anything but to get laid and get me out of his system, fucking me over in the process. I never understood how people felt like one more kiss or one more fuck would bring closure. All he did was rip me open, lay me bare, and leave me in pieces.

Not once did he come out of his room, but I saw Ellen Sue go in there with food several times. I’d thought about barging into his room and demanding answers, but decided against it. He wasn’t worth my time or energy to yell at or order around. Really, what would arguing do? Was I going to change his mind? Even if I did, would I ever feel confident in where things were? No, I wouldn’t, so it was better that I let him shut me out. He wanted to be a pussy ass piece of shit, so be it.

It didn’t mean my heart wasn’t breaking into a million pieces over and over again. I refused to take anything from Paxton’s home because it wasn’t mine. Even the shoes I had left in a drunken stupor from Scooners that night, I left behind. They cost me a pretty penny, but they were shoes, and I could get new ones one day that wouldn’t remind me of him. All the stuff would be there for whomever he had in his bed next, and wasn’t that just a shit thing.

It was my own fault. I shouldn’t have fallen for his charms once again. I shouldn’t have let myself go there. I definitely shouldn’t have let myself feel for him again. It hurt, I wouldn’t lie about that, but it was one more stepping stone of life I would deal with. Yet again. While some might think it wouldn’t hurt as much the second time around since I had been through it before, I couldn’t say it was worse or easier. It was painful, simple.

I ordered in Chinese and called Riley out of his room. He was in a shit mood, but so was I; therefore, we had each other to lean on. Misery loved company, and we were both there together.

“It wasn’t supposed to be like this.” Riley said, lifting come chicken and string beans into his mouth. “She said she loved me. That we were going to be a family even if the baby wasn’t mine; she was going to get out of the contract, and we’d move on.” He was struggling to come to terms with losing not only Melanie but the baby as well. I think he had wrapped his head and heart around being a dad so much he couldn’t figure out how to pick up the pieces.

“I know.”

Well, I didn’t actually know, but felt I needed to add something in there. I didn’t want Riley to feel alone in his pain.

“I was gonna marry her, Laurel. Was gonna have her by my side for all the years to come. We’d be a family. The kind of shit we didn’t have. She tossed it all away.”

I finished chewing my fried rice. “Why did she just leave?” I couldn’t understand the woman. Granted, I didn’t know her long, but she really didn’t make sense.

“Said she’d find a man who had money to take care of her. Said I didn’t have enough for her to live and since Onyx took part her money away, she had to find a man who could take her in.”

Riley was a good man willing to stand by her when others would have left. He would’ve provided for her and the baby, taken care of them. So, why give that up? For the possibility of more money with someone else? Money wasn’t everything. Apparently, that was a lesson Melanie hadn’t learned.

“She’s a fucking leech, Riley. Know you cared about her, but she’s a fuckup and obviously didn’t love you if that’s how she’s going to act. A real love builds you up, doesn’t tear you down.”

He nodded at me. “Know that. Still fuckin’ hurts. I feel dumb as fuck for getting so wrapped up in a broad.”

“Know what ya mean there.”

He shifted on the couch. “Sorry, Laurel. What Paxton did was shit. You deserve so much more than that piece of shit.”

His words hurt because I knew Paxton had it in him to love me, he just refused to follow through with it. Both times he broke up with me, his reason was the same. He didn’t want me caught up in his life. It wasn’t about me, or him, but rather the risk. Back then I didn’t understand because I didn’t know what the guys were planning. Knowing what he was involved in, well, yes there was a huge target that could be on anyone close to them. Hell, look at what being related to Riley did to me. Paxton could keep me safe, I knew it. The only danger I was in had to do with my heart. He shattered it into a million pieces now though, so the damage was done and it was irreparable.

It was his loss that he’d see one day. It would be too late for him though, because he’d already sealed off my heart. Never again would he be allowed to walk all over my heart and stomp me into the ground. I was strong enough for his world even if he didn’t want to give me the chance.

“Looks like we both have issues, brother. At least we have time together.” I was trying to find the positive in a very negative situation for us both.

“Right,” he replied with a small nod, getting lost in his own thoughts.

That night, I curled into my bed. So cold. So empty. Just like inside my chest. I lost Paxton and the little boy that ended up not being my nephew. There were only so many losses a woman could handle and right now, I was at my peak.

Falling asleep, I grasped onto a pillow as if it were my world, because now, it was all that was left for me to hold onto. The gaping hole inside me would never be filled again. I’d make damn sure of it. Because I wasn’t about to open myself up ever again. This feeling, the despair, it would be what I let fill me so that I would never again put myself in the situation to deal with the loss and rejection.

“We’re so happy to have you back! Did you go somewhere fun? It doesn’t look like you saw any sun, though,” the chipper Marilyn said, coming up to my cubical at work. The news had been flying around that I was back. I’d been asked so many questions about where I’d been and what I did during my vacation. While it was an awakening that people actually noticed I was gone and cared, I wasn’t in the mood to make friends. I guess I wasn’t so lost in life after all.

I finally just came up with a story about going on a trip camping in a cabin with my brother. Sounded lame, but everyone bought it. Since I hadn’t ever shared a lot about my personal life, no one really questioned what I told them. Part of it was true, I was in a cabin and my brother was there. The other details didn’t matter to the people I worked with or to me now that my future wouldn’t be tied to anything left from there.

“Just some time with my brother, Riley. We don’t get to see each other as much as we used to. He thought it would be fun before he started his new job,” I lied but didn’t care.

She wasn’t my friend and didn’t need to know my business. She smiled at my answer, and I really didn’t give a shit at this point whether she bought it or not. Superficial. Everything was whatever I needed it to be to get by on the outside. Inside, I was hollow.

“Well, you’re back early, and we are very happy about that. Here.” She handed me a pile of folders. “We kept up on everything, but you’ll need to look these over. Mr. Bennett is so happy to have you back. He said sort through which needed his attention, and you could handle the rest personally. Good luck!” She strutted away, and I was left to myself again.

At least this would give me something to do instead of thinking about the asshole who wouldn’t leave my dreams the last few nights. I needed to look into getting a dream catcher or something because he needed to go away.

He hadn’t called, and I didn’t expect him to. Lord knew, I wouldn’t be the one with a gun showing up at his business again. He could take my money, my everything, and I wouldn’t chase him for any of it ever again. That was long over and it killed me. But being a grown ass woman, I pushed it to the side and got to work.

In the game of love, I had lost. I wasn’t about to play again.

The air was crisp, but the sun shone brightly. Sitting at the small table outside the café, cars moved up and down the busy road. Everyone had somewhere to be or something to do. Normally, lunch breaks were spent sitting in the small kitchen area with some of my co-workers.

Today, I didn’t feel it. The outdoors called to me, beckoning me for sunlight. I soaked up the sun rays, trying to find comfort in the air around me. The heat didn’t soothe the ache in my soul.

“Here you are, ma’am.” The kind waiter gave me a soft smile while setting down my turkey club. After my thanks, he disappeared. It was plated nicely with the pickle spear to the side. The bread was soft, the lettuce and tomatoes were fresh. It was picture perfect. I lifted it to my mouth and took a bite. Chewing, I kept at my task. The sandwich tasted like sandpaper, but that was what everything these days tasted like. Bland. Boring. Nothing had spice, flare, or anything to it anymore.

This rut had to be done with. Even if it hadn’t been long time wise, in the grand scheme of things it had been in my eyes. Years this man had been on my mind. He was the one who threw it all away and that was on him.

A chill ran up my spine and small goose bumps prickled my arms. Dropping the club, I searched around the area, almost feeling like someone was staring at me. Not going to lie, a small glimmer of hope sprouted thinking it could be Paxton.

Immediately, I shut that down. No. He didn’t want me, said it himself.

Paxton had followed me for so long I had gotten used to it. I looked around me once more and didn’t see him, so I knew I was well and truly alone. In the past, he never hid from my sight. I guess in an odd way I found comfort in it even if it was over the top. It was Paxton, and I expected it.

This had taught me though, with Paxton Williams expect the unexpected. Because he turned my world upside down before I could even realize what right side up felt like.

Today was the day I was moving on and putting the past behind me. It had to be done because the me I currently was didn’t work for me. I wasn’t a woman who would be broken by a man, nope. I wouldn’t do it. Even if I had to fake it until I made it reality, I wouldn’t continue on lost because of Paxton Williams.

It was time to wipe Paxton Williams from my thoughts and discover a new me. He may’ve hurt me, but that didn’t for one second mean that I was down for the count. I was Laurel Elizabeth Conrad, I had survived without a man for years, I could do it again.

He wanted me over him. Well, his wish just came true.