Mari
“I can’t believe you left and you didn’t even tell me, Mari!” Lais complains.
I shake my head without actually answering, while I walk through the apartment and into my bedroom.
It was seven a.m., and I had already gone to and come back from Cadu’s place. While Lais was asleep, I set all his belongings in two boxes, called a taxi, and left them at his doorstep. I was in no shape to see him again, after everything. Knowing I still had his stuff was making me even more nervous.
I walk inside the bedroom and Lais is still talking, but I can barely hear her. My mind is wandering far away, into a not so distant past, when I gave my heart to the only man who could break it into a thousand tiny pieces. I take off my clothes, put on a T-shirt and climb into bed, pulling my blanket to cover me, feeling it wrap me in a soft and protective cocoon.
“Mari!” Lais complains, when she sees I’m not listening to a single word she says.
“I’m sorry, girl,” I tell her, without looking at her. “I just want to go back to sleep. Please.” Something in my voice obviously touches Lais’s heart, and she sighs, finally turning off the light.
“Okay. I’m here if you need me,” she says, and I fall into a dreamless sleep.
I blink several times, trying to see through the darkness. I wake up feeling scared and confused, surfacing from a deep sleep. Slowly, my eyes adjust to the lack of light and memories take over me again. Don’t cry, please, don’t cry, I pray silently. Then, a muffled conversation catches my ear. I check the clock on the nightstand. I’ve been asleep for nearly fourteen hours. I feel weak, but the voices from afar were making me more and more curious. Is Lais talking to Rodrigo? I get up slowly, pick up a satin robe that was thrown over the chair in my bedroom, and go to the living room. I cover my face with my hand and blink when I’m surprised by the light, and the voices are suddenly quiet. When our eyes meet, I feel the whole room spinning around me, and I do my best not to fall down.
“What the hell are you doing here? Out!” I yell at him, then go to the kitchen to grab something to eat.
“Lais, let’s talk, please?” he asks, and to my surprise, my best friend gets up and goes to the front door.
“I don’t want to talk to you,” I tell him, then turn to Lais. “What are you doing? Are you leaving me alone with the enemy?”
“You guys need to talk, Mari,” Lais says, and I face her, baffled. “Listen to him. If after that, you still don’t want to see him, then tell him to go. But you need to talk.” She looks serious, then leaves, closing the door behind her. Suddenly, it all feels like too much. I feel my whole body shaking and my head hurting, until a pair of hands holds me, warming up my body. I try to shove him away, but he won’t let me.
“Shh . . . Mari, let me explain. If after that, you never want to see me again, I’ll understand. But let me explain.” I was ready to say no, but something in his eyes changed my mind.
I sit on the couch, nauseous with all the anxiety from what I was about to hear. He sits beside me, and I move away. His eyes look hurt when I refuse to be near him, and deep down, I can’t help but feel a little glad he’s hurting. I’ve suffered too much the last couple of days. Knowing he’s felt the same way brought some sort of relief to my broken heart.
“Oh, baby . . .” he says, and I make a face.
“You said you wanted to talk, and I’m being kind enough to listen to you after everything you did. I’m giving you a chance, because Lais asked me to. But don’t you dare ‘baby’ me, because when you threw me out of the office as if I was trash, your ‘baby’ didn’t matter to you then.” I cross my arms, not bothering to hide my feelings.
I look at him, and for the first time that evening, I pay attention to how he looks. His beard is starting to grow, his eyes are red and swollen. His hair is the same mess it usually is after a day of work, but was far from looking sexy like it does every other day. Today everything about him looks just out of place. He looks lost and sad, and in no way resembles the confident man I once knew.
“I’m sorry,” he says, keeping his head down. “I wish I could go back in time and take back everything I did and said. You didn’t deserve any of that, Mari. But I wanted the chance to explain.”
“I’m still here listening to you, aren’t I?” I answer quietly, trying to control my nerves.
“Yes, you are. And I’m very grateful you’re giving me a chance to explain,” he says, sadness glimmering in his eyes. I nod and wait for him to start talking. I just hope that, after hearing him out, I won’t regret my decision.
I take a deep breath, running my fingers through my hair and searching for courage to tell her what happened. I know this will be my only chance to apologize. I will do whatever it takes to fix this mess. She looks hurt, sad and disappointed, and despite it being all a big misunderstanding, I know she has the right to feel this way.
She faces me and I lower my head. I talk about the files, about the things Miguel told me, and especially how much the possibility that what he said was true had hurt me. I open my heart and let her see what’s inside: the disappointment, the hurt, the sorrow. How lost and heartbroken I felt; how much it had pained me. I tell her about how I was when Rodrigo found me and everything we found out with Moretti’s help over the weekend.
Mari never interrupts me. She listens attentively, and doesn’t ask any questions. She seems to be digesting it all, trying to figure out how the happy life we had suddenly became such a mess.
“And today we had a meeting with the shareholders. Zeca was let go from the management of his magazines and my father stepped in to take his place. Everyone involved was fired and the board of trustees will meet in a few days to discuss whether to take legal action against them or not.”
“Your brother just accepted it?” she asks, and I make a face when I remember the mess the meeting turned into.
“It was hard. Zeca made a scene, tried to solve things his own way, but we had made up our minds. My father said that if he didn’t leave on his own, the shareholders were authorized to call the police, which would be much worse for him.” I breathe deeply and move close to her, holding her hands between mine. “Forgive me, Mari. I know I was mean and that I should’ve trusted you, but I can’t lose you. My life is nothing without you. I love you like I’ve never loved anyone before. I can’t even think of not having you in my life.” I know I look and sound distraught, and when Mari faces me, her eyes are filled with tears. She lowers her head and releases my hands.
“I get it. I do, Cadu. I get how you felt, and I know it was all just a big misunderstanding, but we can’t be together anymore. Trust is the foundation of any relationship, and I don’t trust you anymore.”
“Mari, please . . .” I beg, but she shakes her head.
“I’m sorry, Cadu. I love you, but you humiliated me. I left the company accompanied by guards, as if I had done something terrible, and I didn’t even know what was happening!”
“But I didn’t—”
“I know you didn’t mean to! But if you had talked to me instead of accusing me, maybe it wouldn’t have happened. Damn, Cadu, my life was completely intertwined with yours and then suddenly you dumped me as if I was nothing!”
“But what about us, Mari? What about everything we’ve been through?”
“A fragile story? Based on lack of trust? I gave you all I had, Cadu: my love, my feelings; I faced people treating me like I was nobody! Your brother treated me like trash, saying I didn’t deserve to be working with you, let alone be your girlfriend . . . But I ignored everything because I thought that loving each other was enough. And you know what I see now?” she asks, and I shake my head, too crushed to say anything. “Love alone isn’t enough. I deserve more. I deserve to be loved and respected; I deserve to feel loved for who I am. I deserve the complete trust of the man I am with, because I can’t live in fear of losing the man I love every time something happens just because he would rather believe anyone else over me. I deserve to be with a guy who worships me, rather than humiliates me. I forgive you, Cadu, because I understand what you went through. But I would never forgive myself if I ignored everything I put myself through just to be with you.”
“No, Mari! Please, give me a chance. I love you! I’ll do whatever you want to get you back! If you don’t want to work with me anymore, I—” I’m desperate, and she shakes her head and interrupts me.
“No, Cadu. I am definitely not working with you again, never again. I don’t want anything from you. I never did. The only thing I wanted was your love and your trust and you denied me that. When you love someone for real, you trust them. But you took everything I felt for you and threw it away.”
“No, Mari . . . I love you.” Tears fall from my eyes and I am desperate at the thought of losing the woman of my dreams. “Please, angel, give me a chance?” I ask, begging God that she may give me the tiniest of chances, just so that I can dare to hope to have her back.
“I need space, Cadu. I need to start over. Away from you.”
“I won’t give up on you, Mari. I’ll never give up on you. Promise me you’ll let me win you back?” She’s crying and I pull her to me. We cry in each other’s arms until she slowly pushes me, moving away as she wipes her eyes and gets up.
“I can’t promise you anything, Cadu,” she says, looking me in the eyes. Then she turns and goes to her bedroom, slamming and locking the door before I have a chance to go after her. My body shakes and I feel the panic of losing her forever taking over me, until I hear Rodrigo’s voice in my head: “You’ll have to be ready to crawl back to your girl.” And that’s exactly what I am going to do.