Everyone in the working world looked forward to the weekend. So did she…well, that wasn’t true. She’d always hated the weekends. Even as a kid she’d wanted to be at school. Be busy. Doing something that would keep her from home.
Her mom did her best but it had been awkward once the twins had been born. She’d felt out of place and in the way.
Her stepdad…well, to give Steve his props, he’d tried. He’d never been mean to her, he wasn’t a creep the way some stepdads could be. He just hadn’t…hadn’t been her dad. It had been sobering when she’d turned thirteen and realized it. Until that point she’d been an only child. And it had been the three of them. She’d always called Steve “dad” because her daddy had been killed in action serving his country. But that summer her mom had gotten pregnant with the twins. She and Steve had done their usual summer stuff; baseball, making ice cream on the back porch, getting the twins’ room ready and then the boys had been born.
And everything had changed.
She rubbed her hand over the back of her neck and got up from the couch where she’d been half-heartedly watching the Food Network. Hayley was always asking Cici for ideas on flavor combinations and to be honest, she didn’t have an “adventurous” palate so she watched cooking shows to help develop it.
But this morning her heart wasn’t in it.
Her mind was on Hoop and the thought that it wouldn’t be fair to her child or to him to start anything. Even friendship.
The reality was…well, she’d lived with a man who’d changed in subtle ways. And Steve was a great guy who’d had seven years of being her dad under his belt before his biological sons were born.
Cici knew that there was a difference between a stepchild and a biological one. She’d experienced it first hand and she’d promised herself she’d never put a child of hers in that situation.
She had always sort of thought she’d make the right choice. Have kids with one guy and if he died like her dad had, Cici had promised herself she’d never remarry. But instead she was starting out alone.
She realized she was crying.
Pregnancy hormones, she thought.
She had to get out of this place; this luxury apartment that she’d chosen and carefully decorated to show herself how far she’d come. But this morning it felt like a cage she’d made for herself. A life that wasn’t really hers.
She went into her bedroom and changed out of her nightgown into a pair of khaki shorts and a flowing sleeveless top, put on a pair of Vans and then grabbed her sunglasses. She was going to walk until she stopped feeling. Until something nudged her hard enough to make her snap out of the mood she’d fallen into.
She grabbed her purse and double-checked that her American Express was in there. Nothing like a little retail therapy to cure the blues.
She opened the door and walked resolutely toward the elevator, waiting for it to come up.
When the doors opened she felt a twinge of excitement that she quickly quelled.
“Hoop.”
“Cici, I’d hoped to surprise you, but it seems you’re on your way out,” Hoop said.
He wore a pair of jeans and a tee shirt that had a dinosaur holding a puppy on it. The image was random and made her wonder why he wore it. But it hugged the curves of his chest and he smelled good. Like a fresh summery day. That damned aftershave of his.
She closed her eyes and then opened them. She wasn’t doing this. They’d said friends and that was all they’d be. One kiss wasn’t going to change that. And at the end of the day she wasn’t going to fall into a relationship that would have a devastating effect on her child. Even if it wasn’t outright obvious to anyone else.
“What’s up? I am heading out for a little retail therapy,” she said, with a smile, stepping into the elevator car.
He followed her, reaching around her to push the button for the lobby. His arm brushed her shoulder and shivered with awareness. She had read in her pregnancy book that her sex drive might increase and honestly, there couldn’t be a worse time for it to intensify. She watched him. Watched his mouth as he spoke, not listening to his words, just remembering how smooth and soft his lips had been.
He knew how to kiss and she remembered how good he’d tasted. How could a man taste so good? None of the other guys she’d dated had tasted this good. Why Hoop?
“So, what do you think?” he asked as the doors opened and he gestured for her to lead the way into the lobby.
“About what?”
“Weren’t you listening to me?”
“Sort of. But with this pregnancy sometimes my mind drifts,” she admitted. She’d read about that in the book too. And for once it was the perfect excuse.
“I asked if you wanted to join me and Alfonso and his girlfriend this afternoon. We are taking my boat out in the harbor. Alfonso’s in charge of food, we thought we’d have a picnic on the boat.”
She looked at him and thought about how she wanted to get him out of her head. Get away from the past and find the future and she realized that she needed to figure out the now first. But for today she wanted to just stop thinking and analyzing. Her greatest strength was turning into a cross she didn’t want to carry. She needed some distance from all of the pros and cons. And it was June. A summer’s day out on a boat…who could resist that?
Not her.
“I’d love it. But I’ll bring dessert. I work for one of the best chocolate shops in the city. It would be a sin for me not to bring the dessert.”
“That sounds absolutely perfect. We’re not going until two, so if you want some company, I’ll carry your bags while you shop.”
When Hoop turned seven he’d entered his fifth foster home in as many years. He was starting to get used to moving and because of his personality he liked the transient nature of his life. He was not one of the troublemakers or one of the kids who were immediately adopted. He was normal. Average.
As he followed Cici into Bonpoint, a trendy upmarket children’s clothing shop, he contemplated that being average wasn’t a bad thing. She held up a small white bit of cloth that would be safe for either sex.
Hoop suddenly realized what he was getting into. He should walk away. It wasn’t like she would be surprised. He’d said they’d be friends but in the back of his mind, he’d thought they’d be more. He wanted more from her. But the reality of her life was starting to sink in.
Cici chatted with the staff and started looking through the racks of clothes. He had never been around babies. Maybe it was the nature of his upbringing but most of the homes he’d lived in up to and including the Fillions, with whom he’d lived from the age of ten, never had a lot of babies. They were the older kids that no one really wanted.
His Ma, that’s what they all called Mrs. Fillion by her own design, had said that most couples didn’t know what they were missing out on. Kids Hoop’s age could walk, talk and take themselves to a bathroom; all plusses as far as she’d been concerned.
He was a big brother to lots of kids whose parents didn’t have the time, but this was different. Already he was dreaming about Cici. Watching her as she listened to the shop girl tell her about the clothes she’d need for a newborn changed something inside of him, and he knew if he was going to pursue her he had to be honest.
With Cici of course, but also with himself.
If he wanted to be more than friends then he had to understand her life wasn’t just her own. There was a baby. A child. No one knew better about how fragile life could be where they were concerned.
The fact that it was another man’s baby didn’t bother him. He didn’t know his father and the love he had for his adoptive parents was a strong bond. And he considered Garrett a brother even though they weren’t blood related. Hoop knew that blood wasn’t the only bond that mattered.
The problem with Cici’s pregnancy was that he didn’t know…if he was ready to be a dad. If he could be in her life permanently…not that they were even close to that. But before he started something with her, he needed to really weigh up the consequences.
Dating her, he felt he sort of had to at least think about the long term. He didn’t have to come to a hard answer at this moment but he knew that at some point it was going to be necessary.
“What do you think?” Cici asked him, holding a cute little t-shirt up to her belly. It was still flat, so to the outside eye it wouldn’t be obvious she was pregnant.
“I like it,” he said, realizing he was talking about more than the clothing. He was talking about her and the pregnancy. He wanted a family of his own. Not that they were anywhere near being that type of couple, but there it was in the back of his mind. He wanted to be part of it from the beginning.
His palms started to sweat; he wiped them on his jeans and then his gaze met Cici’s.
“Are you okay?”
He shrugged. “I need some air. I’m going to wait outside for you.”
He didn’t wait for her answer, just gave her a half smile and turned his back, exiting the shop.
It was hot outside and he pulled his sunglasses out before stepping out of the footpath to lean against the wall. He stared at the families and tourists all rushing past but didn’t see them. Instead, his mind was still in the shop with Cici. If it were his kid, he’d be in there helping her choose but because they were “just friends” and because he wasn’t sure what was going to happen between them, walking away had seemed like the right thing to do.
He was chasing his tail trying to be a good guy and trying to get what he wanted. But there was no easy answer. The easier thing would have been to just see where that damned kiss had lead back in February, when he’d been thinking with his mind instead of with his body and what had it gotten him?
He still might screw up with Cici even more than he already had. Still might make things awkward for his best friend and himself. Still might…need her more than he wanted to admit.
The door opened and he glanced up to see Cici standing there with a large bag in one hand and her sunglasses in the other.
“Finally catching up,” she said.
“To what?”
“To where I am. It’s hard to be friends when I have the baby and my future is going to be different,” she said.
“It is. It’s not the baby that’s bothering me, Cici. It’s me. I want to be your friend but I want you so damned much. Just being close to you makes my skin feel like it’s too tight. And my gut is saying the only way to fix that is to spend a few hours in bed with you…but then what?”
“Well, I’m not sure. Do you think one night would be enough?” she asked.
“That’s what’s getting me. I have no idea and if we sleep together it will make things awkward in the future,” he said. “I screwed up back in February.”
“We both did,” she said. “But let’s spend the day together and see if we can at least be friends. Real friends and then we can figure out the rest of it.”
New York harbor was busy with pleasure craft and ferries taking people to Ellis Island and the Statue of Liberty. But Cici was seated on the aft padded bench of a Chris-Craft Corsair hardtop. She didn’t know that much about boats but Hoop was raving about it. He’d taken her on a tour of the cabin below deck, shown her the engine and told her that they’d be able to picnic on the bow of the boat when they anchored.
It was a pleasant weekend in June and the water was busy but there wasn’t too much traffic to make it seem overwhelming.
She had been sitting by herself, staring out at the water and thinking too much. The shopping trip at Bonpoint had been fun until she’d stepped outside and been confronted with Hoop. Things were changing between them and would continue to do so unless she put a stop to it.
She liked him.
He was fun, sexy as hell and easy to get along with.
All winning qualities.
If she weren’t pregnant she’d love to date him. See what happened between them and when it ended because she never could make anything last with a guy, she’d be happy to have the memories.
But she had the baby.
And then there was Hayley.
She and Garrett were planning a Valentine’s Day wedding next year and she and Hoop would both be in the wedding party. And Cici was pretty sure that Garrett and Hayley were the real deal; that they’d spend the rest of their lives together, which meant if she slept with Hoop and ended things, Cici was probably going to lose Hayley too.
Not because Hayley would cut her out of her life, but because Cici would pull back.
And that was complicated. They weren’t just friends, they were business partners. There was no point in her life that Hayley didn’t touch.
“Water?” Hoop asked as he sat down at her feet.
She glanced over to find Alfonso and Lulu at the wheel of the boat.
“Yes, please,” she said.
He handed her a bottle of water that was wet with condensation even from just a few minutes being out of the cooler.
That’s how she felt around Hoop. Hot. Too hot. And she didn’t know how to control it. She needed to figure it out.
“Ugh.”
“What?”
“Just what you said earlier. We should definitely not keep hanging out together,” she said. There. It was done. She’d said it out loud and now all she had to do was stick to it. Not back down.
“Agreed. But there’s one problem,” he said, lifting her legs up and scooting closer to her so that his thigh rested against the back of her thighs. He set her legs over his lap and took the water bottle from her. He took a long deep swallow and she watched his throat move as the water went down. He pushed his glasses up on his head and turned to stare at her with those blue-gray eyes of his.
“What’s the problem?” she asked, but her mouth was dry and really she wasn’t paying attention to his words. He’d taken his shirt off once they’d left the marina and his chest was tanned. His stomach flat and muscly but not like a photoshopped model’s. He looked real and he felt solid next to her.
She wanted to reach out and touch him. To run her fingers over the light dusting of hair on his chest and follow it as it narrowed down into his waistband.
“I like you,” he said. “There. I said it. I don’t want to stop hanging out with you, Cici.”
She swallowed against her dry throat. “But…”
“Doesn’t matter. Since February you have been on my mind. And since I finally cornered you two weeks ago at Shakespeare in the Park, I haven’t stopped thinking about you. In fact, now that we’ve hung out, I know that you are as great as I thought you might be. I know that I want to keep hanging out with you. I know that I want to get to know you better.”
“Then what was that panic attack at Bonpoint?” she asked. “You are conveniently forgetting about that.”
“That was me…not wanting to screw things up for your kid, but the truth is, for me at least, stopping seeing you isn’t going to change the way I feel about it. It won’t make me not like or care about you…”
He trailed off and she knew it was her turn to pony-up with the honesty but she was scared. He’d been hurt. He’d had a long, lonely life and he’d carved out something for himself that made her proud of the man he was. He was being so honest and she knew she was going to have to at least meet him with the same honesty.
But she was scared.
Of Hoop?
Maybe.
Of the future?
Definitely.
Of taking another risk?
Yes.
That was the fear that kept her mouth closed. She didn’t want to take a chance on him again. To him, it might have seemed like the music and their bodies brushing against each other at Olympus had brought them together but to her it had been raw attraction. A real spark of something and she’d asked him to take a chance on her and he’d said no.
So now he was asking her to do the same thing and she was afraid to say yes.
Because she knew she’d never been enough for any man.
Not her dad. Not her stepdad. Not any of the guys she’d dated. Not Rich.
Why would Hoop be different?
And if she weren’t pregnant she’d say to hell with it and just go for it because she wanted Hoop. Really wanted him.
But she had the bean to think about and making dumb choices was in her past.
He put his hand on her thigh, his fingers lightly caressing her. Sensation spread from his fingers up her thigh and she shivered a little. The awareness of his nearness and his body that she’d been trying to ignore was impossible to overlook now.
Dammit.
Dumb choices weren’t part of her past.
“Okay. Let’s do it.”