Hoop got to the office early. Spending the entire day with Cici had been good but when she’d left to go home it had awakened feelings he’d thought he’d outgrown. Those feelings that he’d left in boyhood when he’d been in the foster system. Before he’d come to live with his Ma and Pops.
Loneliness.
For so many years he’d only relied on himself and even though he had siblings and good friends he always kept a part of himself isolated from them. A part of himself tucked away from the bonds with those others so that he wouldn’t be disappointed when they left.
He got it. There was something about starting a new relationship and that headlong rush of wanting to be with the other person all the time. But this was different. This felt different.
Cici’s scent was on his clothes and even after he’d left his yacht and gone to his apartment, he couldn’t shake her. He’d watched ESPN and read up on the case that Martin brought him in on and it distracted him for a while. He wanted to prove himself and he would. This was something he was good at. And for a few hours he forgot about his personal life.
But still it was Cici on his mind as he’d gone to bed.
Cici and her baby.
In the past, he’d just go out with the guys to distract himself, but Garrett had Hayley now and the rest of the guys from the precinct were on duty. He wished he’d made some friends at the law office but everyone was like him. They worked all the time and in their downtime, whatever they had, they stayed away from anything to do with the office.
So here he was at five-thirty in the morning on the treadmill at the office gym. He should be thinking about the junior partnership. He had a huge case load but instead of reviewing that he was wondering if a family was always going to be just out of his grasp.
He ran harder as the program he’d selected went on an incline but even the air burning in his lungs couldn’t shake the thought that maybe he was one of those people who was always on the outside looking in.
He knew the Fillions had adopted him and made him their own but a part of him always felt like he knew the truth. He wasn’t one of theirs and no matter how much he wanted it to be different, he couldn’t change that. Sometimes, when he looked in the mirror, he wondered who his ancestors were. Had he inherited the cut of his jaw from his father, were those his mother’s eyes? But there were no answers.
He was a solitary man and most of the time that didn’t bother him.
Damn.
He needed to get out of his head. To stop obsessing so much. But he couldn’t. When he closed his eyes, he saw Cici and thought about the baby growing inside of her. He wanted to be a part of her life but he’d never seen himself as a father.
Honestly, his work with Big Brothers satisfied his need to be a role model and to be there for kids who didn’t have anyone. But being a father…no.
That wasn’t a role he’d ever wanted for himself and if he was being totally honest, he wasn’t sure he knew how to be one.
Sure, Pops was a good example when he’d been a teenager but there were a lot of years between birth and teen. And Hoop didn’t know if he had the guts to do it.
He finished his running program, showered and went up to his office. He looked out at the road below, quiet in the early morning except for a few pedestrians and the odd taxi. The city looked the way he felt.
He was on a one-way track to depression and no one liked that. Not him. Not his family and certainly not his bosses.
He picked up the phone; he needed to make plans. Plans without Cici. That was his problem. He’d been focused on seducing her. On sating that desire he’d had for her from the moment they’d met.
He could check that off now and step back. Try to regain the focus that was sadly lacking in his life right now.
He dialed Garrett’s number.
“Dude, it’s not even seven,” Garrett said.
“Hayley gets up at five to get to the shop and make candy. I know you’re not sleeping,” Hoop responded.
“True. What’s up?” Garrett asked.
“I’ve got tickets to the Nicks game tonight. Wanna join me?”
There was a pause. “You sure you want my company?”
“Yeah. I could take one of my little brothers if you don’t want to,” Hoop said.
“Nah, I’m good. Hayley said I’m turning into a homebody.”
“You are,” Hoop said, trying to ignore the pang in his soul. A part of him wanted that life.
“Speaking of which, we’re grilling out on Saturday. Can you make it?” Garrett asked.
“Uh, no. I kind of told Cici I’d go with her to the Hamptons this weekend. I invited her to come to my folks place on the Fourth. But this is just going to be us.”
“Alright! I was hoping you two would hook up.”
“She’s more than a hook up,” Hoop said.
“Even better. I think she’ll be good for you,” Garrett said. “Plus, I have the feeling Hayley has been rooting for you two. She keeps coming up with events that we could host and can casually invite you both to.”
Hoop had to laugh at that. Hayley had been helping him out indirectly and directly to help his cause with Cici. But now that he had her, he wasn’t too sure what the next steps were.
And that wasn’t like him. He was a man of action. This indecision was pissing him off.
He knew it was because for the first time since he’d come to the Fillions’ house, he was starting to see his future with another person and that scared him.
“See you tonight,” Hoop said and disconnected the call.
He needed a long day of family law to take his mind off Cici and the family he was building in his head.
Calling her mom should have been a no brainer. They weren’t as close as Cici would have liked and the fact was she just didn’t want to tell her.
But Hoop had been right when he said the more time she let pass, the worse it would seem. Her mom’s reaction wasn’t going to be any better if Cici called her six months from now and told her she was pregnant. She had to get it over with.
Like ripping off the band aid, she’d just do it.
She texted her mom to see if she was home and if she could talk. Her parents had a house in Queens and then the cottage in Sag Harbor that her mom had purchased with the money she’d gotten from her father’s death benefit. The house technically speaking belonged to Cici and her mom only but Cici always thought of it as the family place.
Her mom called instead of texting back, which Cici should have anticipated.
“Hey.”
“Are you okay?” her mom asked. “I expected to see you last weekend.”
Guilt. She sighed. “Sorry, Mom, I…I’m fine…I, well, the reason I haven’t been home is that I’ve been trying to figure out how to tell you something. And there’s not an easy way to say it.”
“What is it? Is it the business?” her mom asked.
She took a deep breath. “I’m pregnant.”
“What? Are you dating someone? How come we haven’t met him? Why would you hide…”
“Mom. Stop. It’s nothing like that. I made a mistake and slept with one of the groomsmen at Stacey’s wedding. And I’m pregnant.”
There was silence on the line and to Cici it seemed loud and long.
“Okay. Well, is the guy…what’s his name?” her mom asked.
“Rich Maguire. He’s originally from somewhere in New England but lives in LA now. He’s involved with someone else and doesn’t want to be a part of the baby’s life. I’m trying to sort that out.”
“What can I do?” her mom said. “Are you excited about the baby?”
She put her hand on her stomach. “I am, Mom. At first, I was in denial but now, I am getting more attached.”
“That’s good. Wow, I’m going to be a grandma.”
“Yes, you are,” Cici said.
“How far along are you?”
“Fourteen weeks,” she said.
“I’m going to come into the city and take you to dinner so we can talk some more.”
“Thanks, Mom. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before,” Cici said.
“Don’t be. I can tell from your voice that things have been hectic. I’m going to get changed and then I’ll head in. Should I come to your place or the Candied Apple & Cafe?”
Cici glanced at the clock. It was three in the afternoon and Hayley was teaching one of her candy making classes that evening. “The Candied Apple & Cafe.”
She hung up the phone and felt…well, a little bit lighter. The burden—that wasn’t really the right word for—but the secrecy of the pregnancy had been weighing on her. She’d isolated herself from her friends and family and only Hoop knew as much as he did because…well, she liked him and he’d been easy to talk to.
And a part of her realized she’d wanted to tell him. In her mind he’d been a part of the journey from the beginning. He’d been the one she’d wanted and thought about and if she were being totally honest, the man she’d substituted for Rich that night in Jamaica.
“Cici?” Hayley said from the doorway. “You okay? Is something wrong with the baby?”
She lifted her head and looked at her friend. Hayley leaned against the doorframe with her arms crossed over her chest.
“You ever have one of those moments when you realize something that was there all along and you get why you were ignoring it?” Cici asked.
“All the time. Sometimes with the candy I create in the kitchen. Always with my dad and occasionally with Garrett. I’m pretty much running around like a crazy woman inside my head 24/7.”
Cici smiled at the image. “You are the least crazy person I know.”
“On the outside,” Hayley said, coming in to sit on the edge of Cici’s desk. She reached over, pushing a strand of Cici’s hair behind her ear. “Give yourself a break. You’re pregnant. It’s summer and danged hot. And you are secretly dating someone.”
“What?”
“Don’t even try to pretend. Garrett called Hoop last night and he spilled the entire thing.”
Crap.
“It’s not that I wasn’t going to tell you,” Cici started.
“It’s okay, Ci. I would keep it quiet too. I’m sorry for my part in making dating him odd,” Hayley said.
“That’s just it, Hay. It’s not odd. I wish it were, and then maybe I’d feel better about everything. He’s just so…Hoop. Nothing seems to really shake him,” she said, but she knew that wasn’t true. She’d seen his face yesterday morning when she’d returned to his yacht. He’d been dazed when she’d left him.
“I’m here. If you want to talk about anything,” Hayley said. “I like Hoop, but I love you. You’re my heart sister and I don’t want you to ever feel like you’re isolated.”
“I don’t,” Cici said. “My main problem is me.”
“How?”
“I’m just…in flux. You know when you’re making a new truffle for the store and make us sample about a hundred different flavor combos?”
“Well I think a hundred is an exaggeration, but yes,” Hayley said.
“My life is like that right now. There are all these different combinations of things I could do and be and I know that until this little bean is born,” she said, touching her stomach, “I won’t know what it’s going to be. But I hate that. It’s not that I’m a control freak, but I want to make a plan, pick the best option and just be sure that I haven’t chosen poorly.”
“One thing that my mom said in her last letter to me was that there are no wrong choices in our lives. We take the path and we walk it. You can do that, Cici. Whatever you choose, it will be awesome because you are.”
She wanted to believe Hayley and her heart was heavy with the love she felt for her friend. She was glad to know that someone was behind her and thought she hadn’t already messed everything up.
Hannah Johnson still looked young, despite the fact that she was in her late 40s. Cici’s mom had three kids, a good marriage and a job that she loved. Growing up, there were times when Cici and Hannah hadn’t gotten along, but she always knew her mom loved her.
It was simply that she’d always wanted Cici to see Steve as her dad and hadn’t wanted to talk about Cici’s biological father, something that could be an issue with her own relationship with her child. She wanted to do it better than her mom had, but really had no idea how.
Today was no different as they crossed the street and entered Central Park. It was late afternoon, summer, so the park was busy with families running and laughing and tourists who were enjoying the shade provided by the trees in this leafy green oasis.
Her mom looped her arm through Cici’s and they turned to the left and started following the path that would eventually lead them around in a big circle. Neither woman said anything and in her mind Cici knew she should start the conversation but she wasn’t sure how to.
“So…” her mom said at last.
“Yeah, about this. What do you want to know?” she asked her mom tentatively.
“Whatever you want to share,” her mom said. She kept the pace leisurely and Cici realized, not for the first time, that her mom never hurried.
“Why aren’t you ever hurrying around?” she asked. A little to stall the inevitable questions but also because so many moms she knew were always rushing. They seemed to be behind all the time but her mom never had been.
“Why would I be? There’s plenty of time in the day to accomplish all that needs doing,” she said. “You know that.”
“I do. But I always feel like if I don’t have a plan I won’t get to it all,” she said.
“That’s Steve’s attitude too. You must have picked it up from him,” her mom said.
She hated when her mom did that. Steve wasn’t her dad. Didn’t her mom realize that? “Maybe it came from my dad. You’ve never really talked too much about him. Just showed me the old pictures.”
“I know,” her mom said. “I didn’t want you to dwell too much on what was missing. Does that make sense?”
In a way it did. But it had also sharpened her curiosity about her biological father. “I guess.”
“Now that you are going to be a mom, you will see what I’m talking about. Every day, you just do the best you can and hope that you haven’t screwed up too much.”
“Mom, you didn’t screw up with me,” she said. “I wish I had planned to be pregnant, I think my mindset would be better.”
Her mom led them over to an empty bench and they both sat down. “Honey, there is no guarantee that a planned pregnancy is going to be any smoother than an unplanned one.”
Cici held her breath and waited. Would her mom talk about her father? After all this time.
“Your dad and I had it all worked out. We got married, waited a year to build up our savings and buy our own place and then I got pregnant and two days after I found out, your dad got orders and left…all those plans we’d made were gone. And after that…well I stopped making those kind of plans,” her mom said.
“Why?”
“Because planning like that doesn’t make life smoother. In fact, I think it makes life harder. I tried to force us back on the path we’d mapped out before he left and it never worked. When your dad died, I was free falling. I had a baby girl that I’d planned to stay home and raise and now I had to work. You’d never been with a sitter and you didn’t like strangers. I honestly was so freaked out, honey. Some nights, when you woke up crying, I just held you and cried with you.”
Cici hugged her mom. She had never realized that the woman who seemed to always know what she was doing had ever had doubts. These were real crises of confidence that Cici herself was experiencing every day.
“Mom, I had no idea.”
“Good, I’m glad. And you know what, honey, your baby won’t either,” her mom said. “No matter what happens, as long as you love your baby that’s all they remember.”
Cici swallowed hard, thinking about her little bean and knowing how much she loved this baby. She felt a certain sense of rightness to what her mother had said.
“Now, tell me about the father.”
“He’s out of the picture. I’m not going to name him because he told me he wants no part in the child’s life.”
“Did you know that before?” her mom asked.
“Mom, it was a one-night stand. Neither of us meant for anything to happen. I drank too much. I know, you have always told me to be careful,” she said.
“I’m not going to judge you,” her mom said. “Mostly, I give you advice like that so you won’t make mistakes like I have.”
She smiled at her mom. “Thanks. I think I needed to hear that.”
“Hear what?”
“That you aren’t superwoman.”
“Well let’s not get carried away, I’m still pretty awesome,” her mom said with a wink. “But I am human just like you. What’s next? You said you’re dating someone.”
“Next is…well, tied to who I’m dating. He’s a great guy, a friend of Hayley’s fiancé. He’s a lawyer and he suggested I have the father sign a waiver of paternity. I’ve hired an attorney and we have the paperwork all ready to go but the father won’t respond to my texts or anything. And I wanted to give him a head’s up before I just sent the paperwork to him.”
Her mom nodded. “Want me or Steve to do it for you? I wouldn’t mind.”
No way. Her mom was very protective of all of them and Cici had a feeling that if Hannah got Rich on the phone she’d give him a stinging lecture about walking away. “Thanks, Mom, but I need to do this myself.”
“Fair enough,” her mom said. “But if you change your mind.”
“I know you’re right here.”
“That’s right. Now about the guy you’re dating…”
“It’s complicated.”
“When isn’t it,” her mom said with a laugh. “Come on, let’s walk some more and you can tell me all about him.”
They walked through the park, stopping at an ice cream vendor to get lemon ice and Cici told her mom about Hoop. And as she talked she realized how great a guy he was and how afraid she was that she’d do something to hurt him.