Anna and Diane sped to Waitrose and, once Anna had parked, they sat in the car, neither of them getting out.
‘God,’ said Diane for the millionth time. ‘Do you think I could even be a mum?’
‘Sure.’ Anna gave her friend a sidelong grin. ‘It’ll be an interesting experiment if nothing else.’
‘God, God, God, God!’
‘Do you want to be with Larry?’
She shrugged. ‘I mean, yeah, he’s fun, you know? But he’s young, desperately young.’
‘Surely you thought about that before you…’ Anna paused. ‘You know.’
Diane frowned and narrowed her eyes. ‘Clearly not.’
Anna shifted in her seat. ‘Hold up. We’re being incredibly thick here. When did you sleep with him?’
‘Night after speed-dating night.’
‘Right, so,’ she said, counting on her fingers, ‘there’s no way it can be his. Well, I mean it could but…’ She looked at Diane. ‘Are you sure you didn’t sleep with someone before you left London?’
Diane snorted. ‘Sweetie, I’ve slept with most of London.’
‘OK.’ Anna rolled her eyes. ‘But what happened in the week leading up to you leaving London?’
‘Well,’ Diane settled herself in, ‘let me see.’
‘Christ,’ Anna muttered.
‘I went to this Iron Maiden concert and met this guy called, um, I think his name was Ryan… Though, I cann’t be sure. Then a few days before that, I met a guy called Steve at a Kiss get together for the fans. Awesome night.’
‘You slept with both of them?’
Diane frowned. ‘What do you take me for? A slut?’
Anna groaned. ‘I asked you who you slept with. We’re trying to figure out who’s made you pregnant. Do you understand how that happens, Diane? A man puts his—’
‘No shit, Sherlock. I can’t believe that you, Nun Anna, of all people, are lecturing me on the ins and outs of reproduction, pardon the pun.’
‘Well, if you didn’t sleep with anyone and you’re pregnant, then it could well be Larry’s and his swimmers swam fast.’
Diane turned her head slowly. ‘Oh God, is this wrong? Am I going to be struck down for sleeping with a twenty-three-year-old? Is Larry even going to want to know?’ A slow smile spread across her face. ‘Well, I suppose it doesn’t matter because you can help me.’
‘What?’ Anna squeaked. ‘Me? Dee, I’ve done this before. I don’t need nappies and wind in my life again.’
‘Oh, come on.’ Diane playfully pushed her arm. ‘It’ll be fun. It’ll be you, me, Linda and a baby. We’ll be like Three Men and a Baby. Only we’ll be women, and the twins will be there too.’
‘I’m thinking, less fun, more…’ Anna stopped to choose a word. ‘Hell?’
Diane gasped. ‘Anna Compton, that’s not very supportive. I was there for you when Simon did a runner. I changed the twins’ nappies, didn’t I?’
Anna gave it a second’s thought. ‘No.’
‘OK, well, I fed them, didn’t I?’
‘You put food in front of them.’
‘Right, I definitely bathed them. I remember.’
Anna nodded. ‘Yep, me too. You nearly drowned them.’
‘OK, well, you’re choosing to see all the bad stuff. I’m choosing to remember the good parts.’
‘Hmmm. Does that include the time you taught the twins, aged three, to headbang and they head-butted each other? Does that include the time you decided a lentil puree with chili would be the best food option and I spent the next couple of days changing their nappies every five minutes?’
‘Whatever.’ Diane slumped her shoulders.
‘Listen, Dee…’ Anna brought her into a hug. ‘The point is that I’m here for you no matter what. Who knows, maybe Larry will be thrilled and become the man Simon never was. Just because he’s young, doesn’t mean he’s going to run.’ She squeezed Diane’s shoulder. ‘Anyway, he clearly adores you. The poor man has been hit hard by the Dee-bug.’
Diane sniffled. ‘He’s only human.’
‘Exactly. So, let’s go and buy this test and then we’ll know for sure and we’ll go from there.’
They got out of the car and fought their way past the tide of tweed jackets, set hair and breeches. Diane picked up a basket. ‘I want to cover it up with something else,’ she explained, promptly picking up chocolate and a bottle of wine.
‘You can’t drink that if you’re pregnant.’
‘Really?’ Diane said. ‘I thought that was some sort of misogynistic myth made up by men.’
‘Um, no, definitely all true.’
‘Crikey, how did you do it?’
‘I ate more.’
‘Oh yeah,’ Diane said, swinging her basket. ‘Your mum said the other day how you ate like a horse when you were preggers. She says you never really lost that weight.’
Anna looked down at her body and tugged her long sweater further over her hips. They found the tests and Anna picked one up. ‘I’d use this one. It can tell you earlier than most of them.’
‘Why’s it got a security box around it?’
‘To make the whole experience even more excruciating.’ Anna nodded. ‘There is some sadistic god somewhere who puts security tags and boxes on anything that might cause embarrassment, I’m sure of it.’
They walked to the ‘basket only’ queue and Diane placed it next to the woman, who smiled and started to scan the items.
‘There are bags just there,’ the woman said.
She scanned the chocolate, followed by the wine. Lastly, she picked up the pregnancy test and looked at Anna and Diane before flashing them an all-knowing smile.
Diane scowled. ‘It’s not for us.’
‘Right,’ the assistant said, struggling to get the box off the pregnancy test, before pressing a button under her counter, causing the light above them to turn red. ‘Just need to get my manager to take the box off.’
‘Oh God,’ Diane muttered. ‘Is that totally necessary?’ She gave Anna a look of desperation and walked off towards the toilet.
‘Diane,’ Anna hissed at her, but she had already gone.
‘Doesn’t seem to want to come off.’ The assistant looked around her and then caught the eye of a man in a suit on the other side of the store. She held the box up and gave it a little wiggle in the air. Anna looked at the assistant, then at Diane, before catching sight of Horatio standing in the adjacent queue. His gaze rested on her, moved to the box flying high above her head, and back to his own trolley.
Anna wanted to run over and explain. He would, undoubtedly, return to Ridley Manor and tell his mother, where they would sit and drink tea made by Alfred, talking about his kind-of-cousin’s loose morals.
The manager made his way over and flashed an apologetic smile. ‘Sorry, madam.’
Anna paid and walked to the car where she found Diane slouched in the seat.
‘Anna, that was so embarrassing,’ she said as Anna opened the driver’s door, ‘I thought I was going to die.’
‘You actually didn’t have to go through anything. You left me to deal with it and guess who was in a queue, not far from me?’
Diane shrugged.
‘Horatio.’
‘Oh, well, better he thinks it’s yours than mine.’ Diane looked relieved.
‘How do you figure that?’ Anna thrust the bag into Diane’s lap.
‘Well, you guys are, like, kind-of-cousins so it doesn’t matter what he thinks. But if he thought it was me, he’d go and talk to someone and somehow it would get back to Larry.’
‘Um, Dee,’ Anna said, ‘you are going to have to tell him yourself at some point.’
‘Yeah, but I need a bit of time to get my head around it, so I figure, what better way than a night in with my bestie and a bottle of wine? I mean, a giant bar of chocolate.’
Anna nodded and started up the car. ‘Sure thing.’ She pulled out and made her way past the entrance to the store as Horatio emerged, pushing his trolley, face thunderous, towards his Range Rover. Diane, to Anna’s dismay, rolled down her window and shouted out to him.
‘Horatio, the pregnancy test was for Anna. She’s only gone and got a bun in the oven again.’
Anna put her foot on the accelerator, causing the car and Diane to lurch forward as Diane retracted her head.
‘What the hell are you doing?’ Anna said, her face reddening.
Diane looked at her in amazement. ‘God, no need to be such a stress-pot.’
‘You just announced to the world that I’m pregnant.’
‘No, just to Horatio,’ Diane pointed out.
‘You hollered out the window.’
Anna drove fast towards the main road.
‘I know why you’re getting all het up.’ Diane smiled. ‘Because you care what Horatio thinks.’
‘Why would I care what he thinks?’ Anna concentrated on the road, her hands tight on the steering wheel.
‘Because you fancy him.’
‘Dee, we’ve been here before. No, I definitely don’t fancy my kind-of-cousin.’
‘I know it’s the truth.’ Diane sat back and started to sing under her breath, ‘Anna and Horatio sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First comes…’
‘Stop.’ Anna put her hand up. ‘Please. I think we should just forget about it.’ Diane pressed her lips firmly shut and made a zipping motion to indicate she wouldn’t talk again. ‘Good. Now, let’s just concentrate on you. After all, that’s why we went out to get you a pregnancy test, isn’t it?’
Diane remained unspeaking, pointing to her pursed lips.
‘Just speak, Dee.’ When Diane didn’t, she looked at her. ‘Please?’
‘And I’m back,’ Diane said, smiling. ‘Anyway, look, don’t be angry. No one’s going to have heard me, anyway.’
‘Except Horatio,’ Anna pointed out.
‘Except him.’
Ten minutes later, Anna drove up to the house and they climbed out of the car. Her mother came bounding down the drive. ‘Anna, I’ve just had Rosie on the phone.’ She looked confused. ‘You’re pregnant?’
An hour later, Anna and her mother sat facing each other at the kitchen table, clutching glasses of wine and waiting for Diane’s news.
‘I genuinely thought it was you,’ her mother said.
‘How could it be?’
‘Well, Rosie was convinced. She said she heard Diane announce it loudly outside Waitrose.’
Anna shook her head. ‘Can you do anything privately around here?’
‘Well, darling, you can’t go blaming our Rosie if you will talk about your private affairs outside a supermarket. Apparently, she was talking to her friend, Esmerelda, about how organic the Waitrose organic range really is and she hears Diane talking about you having a bun in the oven.’
‘There are so many things wrong with that sentence, I don’t know where to begin.’
‘Well, Rosie then tells me she saw that Horatio chap speed off, out of the car park, in a right mood. She told me he nearly flattened a Jack Russell because he was in such a temper.’ She looked over her glass at Anna. ‘So then I’m thinking, have Horatio and Anna been, you know, behind all of our backs?’
Anna let out a long-drawn-out breath. ‘No, is the simple answer.’
Diane came into the kitchen, smiling.
‘So, you’re not?’ Anna said.
‘No, sweetie, I very much am. Strongest line I’ve ever seen. Look.’ She whipped out the pregnancy stick and they both admired the pink line. ‘Am I glowing yet?’ Diane clutched her stomach. ‘At what point do you glow, Anna, because actually I feel really rough.’
‘Not for a while yet,’ Anna said, getting up to give her a hug.
‘Anna didn’t glow so much as grow,’ her mother announced, also rising to give Diane a suffocating hug. ‘How lovely. When are you going to tell lucky Larry?’
‘I already have.’ Diane held up her mobile. ‘Not sure he totally got what I was saying because the reception’s crap up there.’
‘What did you say and what did he say?’ Anna said, putting the kettle on.
‘I said, “Larry, sweetie, I have something to tell you.” And he said, “Yo, Dee, what’s up?” I said, “You won’t believe it but there may be three of us in nine months’ time.”’
‘Crikey, that’s quite full-on,’ said Anna. ‘So then he says what?’
‘He says something like, “Awesome. I’ve always fancied trying that.”’
‘So, he thinks you’ve just offered him a threesome in nine months’ time?’ Anna tried to hide her smile.
‘Oh, do you think that’s what he thought I meant? I thought the nine months bit would be a clue.’
‘Maybe, darling Dee,’ her mother said, laughing, ‘he hasn’t had that lesson.’ She smoothed her shirt lapel. ‘He’s a baby himself.’