Anna tapped the table with her pen and stared into the middle distance. She sat in her Winnie the Poo onesie and fluffy slippers, composing a letter to Simon in which she wanted to come across as firm and mature, but, so far, it contained ten swear words and a doodle of a skull and crossbones.
Diane, in her heavy metal onesie, sat at the other end of the table, having her ‘Mediterranean’ lunch of a glass of rose and some olives. ‘Just say something like, “Dear male-commitment-phobe-ex-husband, could you crawl under a rock and die? Thanks ever so much.” Do you think that would work?’
Anna looked at her glumly, the familiar mummy-fail feelings threatening to take hold. ‘I just can’t believe, after five years, he rocks up and wants to be a part of their life. What does he think to himself? I think I’ll miss the dirty nappies, constant feeding stage and then the troublesome twos, but I will turn up when they’re turning into gorgeous, speaking little people.’ Anna bit down on her lip. ‘Who I just want to eat sometimes because they’re so blinking adorable.’
‘I think that’s you talking now,’ Diane said, munching down on an olive. ‘But, yeah, his timing is impeccable.’ She smiled sympathetically. ‘I don’t think he’ll get what he wants. The twins, for a start, would have to tell the court what they feel about it all. You heard Freddie the other night. He didn’t show much interest and asked Simon to leave.’
‘Fat lot of notice his father took of that.’
‘Yeah, but that’s why Simon’s doing this. He can’t stand that he was publicly humiliated like that.’
‘Publicly humiliated is a bit strong.’ Anna smiled, brushing tears away. ‘It was you, me and Freddie.’
‘Dear Anna, you’ve got to understand men don’t like anybody to realise they’re silly, especially their own children.’
Anna rested her head in her hands, her elbows on the table. ‘It’s just not right. They’re my world, Dee. Not his. I know I can’t stop him from seeing them, but it just feels plain unfair.’
‘Well,’ Diane said, refilling her glass, ‘why don’t you see if your cousin Horatio can help?’
‘Dee, my cousin Horatio is the one who got me into this mess. Anyway, are you cousins if Aunt Flo was stepsister to Mum?’
‘Dunno. Let’s call him a kind-of-cousin.’ She paused, scrunching up her nose. ‘It’s weird, don’t you think?’
‘What?’
‘That he’s your kind-of-cousin and, yet, you two blatantly fancy each other.’
‘Dee, I do not fancy Horatio. All he’s done is piss me off since I got here. He’s like some sort of all-seeing figure who turns up everywhere and laughs at me.’
‘How do you know he’s laughing at you? Maybe you’re being too uptight and he’s actually laughing with you.’
Anna gasped. ‘You’re meant to be on my side.’
‘Just saying.’ She put her hands up then took a swig of rose. ‘The whole thing is dead weird because Horatio must have known you were kind-of-cousins when he started hitting on you.’
Anna grimaced. ‘OK, you’re freaking me out now.’
‘On the other hand,’ Diane stroked the rim of her glass with her finger,’ who would want a mother-in-law like that Lady Spencerville? From what you told me she sounds like a right ‘mare.’
‘To put it mildly.’ Anna paused. ‘If she is friends with the Queen, like you said, then it’s Queenie who I feel sorry for.’ She lowered her voice. ‘Then again, Simon never could stand my mother. He said she was as nutty as a fruit cake.’ She nodded. ‘Which, for once, he may have had a point about.’
‘Yeah, but who doesn’t know how to make a cup of tea?’
‘I don’t know, Diane,’ Anna said pointedly, ‘who doesn’t? Why don’t you show me how?’
‘I’m busy.’ She held up her wine.
‘Yeah, I can see that.’
‘You’ve got to feel kind of sorry for Horatio, though, being paid off like that. I’m amazed he’s still speaking to her at all, to be honest.’
‘Well, anyway, none of this is helping me. I need to write this letter to Simon.’
Diane wasn’t listening. ‘Then his wife dying of cancer… It’s all so tragic.’
Anna nodded, tears springing to her eyes. ‘God, I don’t know why I’m crying…’ She brushed her tears away. ‘Every time I think about his wife dying, I get upset. It’s awful.’
‘He’s probably quite lonely now.’ Diane looked at her pointedly.
Anna took a deep breath. ‘Yeah, but he’s got this Pru woman now. You know, the yoga instructor with the pink mat.’
‘Hmmm, I guess so.’ Diane winked. ‘Doesn’t mean he’s still not desperately in love with Anna Compton. I’ve seen the way he looks at you. That is a man who is head over heels.’ She paused. ‘If you would just give him a chance, that is.’
‘Dee, just stop. As you said, he’s my kind-of-cousin.’
‘When are you seeing Ricardo again?’ Diane downed the last of her wine and stood up.
‘I can’t imagine he would ever want to see me ever again.’
‘Uh, am I interrupting?’ They turned quickly to find Richard standing in the doorway, smiling.
Anna rose quickly, her chair crashing to the ground. She looked down at her onesie and slippers, her face flushing bright red. ‘Oh God.’
‘Sorry, your mother was out in the garden and she let me in.’
Diane grinned. ‘Phwoar, this is just like some scene out of Emma or something, isn’t it?’ Anna shot her a black look and she backed out of the room, wine glass in hand, with exaggerated movements. Sidling past Richard, she said, ‘Love your jacket, by the way. Very eighties. In a good way.’ She paused. ‘I’ll just get out of your hair and go upstairs.’ She slapped the doorjamb with her free hand. ‘Just…’ She caught Anna’s eye again. ‘Never mind. I’m going.’
Diane’s footsteps could be heard on the stairs and Richard turned back to Anna and smiled. ‘Sorry, didn’t mean to shock you like that.’
‘No, that’s fine,’ she said. ‘Just sorry you had to see this.’ She gestured to her outfit.
‘You look cute, actually.’
‘Cute isn’t how I’d like you to see me.’
‘You want me to think you’re sexy?’ Richard moved closer.
‘Something like that.’ Anna gulped, her heart pounding in her ears.
‘I think we forgot to finish where we left off…’ He came over to her and caressed her cheek with the palm of his hand and his lips came to meet hers. ‘You are adorable and, weirdly, I’m finding the whole onesie-thing an incredible turn-on.’
Her mother burst into the kitchen. ‘Is that because she looks like a womble?’
‘Mum,’ Anna breathed angrily. ‘Can’t you knock?’
‘It’s a kitchen, Anna. If you want to play those games, go to your own room.’
Anna didn’t want to admit to Richard that her room also belonged to Diane, who was upstairs playing with herself.
‘Cup of tea, Richard? I imagine you must be parched. Thirsty work, gallivanting around the countryside wooing the ladies.’
‘Mum,’ Anna hissed. ‘Just go, please.’
‘No, I won’t go, Anna, because I want to know why on earth I saw your knight in shining armour here having dinner with another woman on Friday night when you were at the drinks party.’
Anna looked at Richard.
‘It’s true, isn’t it?’ her mother pushed. ‘I popped out with the kids to get more snacks for our Sex and the City session, and when we drove past the Rose and Crown, who should walk out but your lover-boy and some blonde bimbo on his arm?’
‘You leave it till now to tell me?’ Anna said.
‘I didn’t want you to get upset. I thought you might see through him before I had to let the cat out of the bag.’
Anna turned to Richard. ‘Is this true?’
‘You’re right, Linda,’ Richard said smoothly, ‘but you’re not right about my being on a date. She helps me with the books at the farm. We had to go over some figures and—’
‘But you said you were away last Friday,’ Anna interrupted, ‘and that’s why you couldn’t come with me to the drinks party up at Ridley Manor.’
‘I did.’ He nodded, the fixed smile not budging. ‘You’re right, but we had to get these books in order for the accountant on Monday, which meant I cancelled my plans elsewhere.’
Anna looked down at her fluffy slippers and thought about it. ‘Well, it must be hard running a farm, so I get it. It’s fine. Totally cool.’ She looked at her mother. ‘Can you leave us for a sec?’
Her mother nodded and walked from the kitchen. When they were alone, Richard said, ‘Right, where were we?’ He held her gaze. ‘Anna, I’m not sure I can make my feelings for you much clearer.’
‘I actually just need to be alone right now, if that’s OK.’
Surprise crossed his face. ‘Oh, right.’
‘I’ve got a lot on my mind at the moment, so if you wouldn’t mind…’ She moved out of the kitchen and towards the door. As she went to open it, he grabbed her arm.
‘Anna, I need you. I can’t stop thinking about you.’
She nodded. Something had unsettled her and she needed some time to think. ‘Please, Richard. If you care, you’ll understand.’
He tensed his jaw and nodded, unspeaking.
‘Oh, sodding hell,’ Diane’s voice rang out down the stairs. ‘Anna, are you down there? I’ve got big female problems going on up here.’
‘Coming,’ Anna called back and Richard took it as his cue to leave.
‘I need you to go get me something really urgently,’ Diane’s voice echoed like she had her head stuck down the toilet.
‘What?’ Anna said, closing the door and rushing to the foot of the stairs.
‘I’ve just vomited.’ She appeared at the top of the stairs. ‘I think I may be sodding pregnant.’
‘What?’ Anna looked at her in amazement. ‘But I thought you were on the pill?’
‘I came off it when I was a feminist. Figured I wasn’t getting any action, no point in poisoning the temple that is my body.’
‘And you and Larry…?’
‘Yeah,’ Diane said, nodding, ‘I could be carrying a jellybean with dreadlocks.’