Chapter 40
Rose
The next morning, my headache feels like the least of my problems. I lie there for a while in bed, contemplating the events of the night before. I can’t believe I kissed Toby. What was I thinking?
Eventually I get out of bed and go into the kitchen to fill up the kettle. I’m just downing a glass of water and a couple of headache tablets when Angus walks in.
‘Are you making filtered coffee?’ he asks, sleepily planting himself on a stool at the island unit. He’s wearing low-slung PJ bottoms and nothing else, but I’m unaffected by the eye-candy moment.
‘Yeah, you want one?’ I ask.
‘Please,’ he says, and suddenly he looks awkward.
‘Am I making two or three?’ I ask pointedly.
‘Three, please,’ he replies sheepishly.
‘Okaaay then.’ The words come out sounding a bit arsey, and as I turn around to get out the cups, I hear him sigh.
‘Rosie, please don’t—’
‘It’s fine,’ I interrupt, glancing at him over my shoulder. ‘I won’t give her a hard time, I promise.’
His shoulders sag with relief. ‘Good. Thank you.’
‘Is it safe to enter?’ my sister calls from the doorway, seemingly naked except for the T-shirt of Angus’s she’s wearing.
‘Yes, there was no need for his big brother pep talk,’ I reply wryly.
She grins as she ambles over, hopping onto a stool beside Angus. They exchange intimate smiles.
It’s eerie seeing them together like this. I guess in some ways it’s good that they hooked up before I went away. It would be harder to come home to them already being a fullblown couple.
‘So,’ Eliza says, leaving a significant pause before continuing. ‘How was it with Toby last night?’ She raises a knowing eyebrow at me and my face heats up in response. ‘Rose!’ she admonishes, a grin splitting her face.
‘What? No!’ I want to tell her that she’s got the wrong idea. In fact, how did she know to ask her meaningful question about Toby in the first place? ‘We’re just friends!’ I insist.
‘There is nothing platonic about the way you two look at each other,’ she says. ‘Tell me what happened!’ she urges, and it’s obvious that whatever denials I issue will be ignored. ‘Did you kiss him?’
I groan, hiding my face.
‘You did!’ Eliza exclaims. I don’t deny it.
‘Wait, you kissed Toby?’ Angus interjects with confusion.
‘Yep,’ Eliza gleefully confirms.
Angus gawps at me. ‘Noooo!’
‘What’s the big deal?’ Eliza brushes off his horrified reaction.
‘He’s practically a teenager!’ Angus exclaims.
‘He’s twenty-one, almost twenty-two,’ I find myself correcting him. He still looks taken aback. ‘I know, I know.’ I press my fingers to my flaming cheeks. ‘You don’t have to tell me. I made a mistake.’
Eliza shoves Angus’s arm. ‘Back in your box, big brother. This is sister territory.’
Angus looks put out as he sits back on his haunches.
‘Why was it a mistake?’ Eliza asks me. ‘He’s an adult. You’re an adult. Plus he’s sexy as hell.’
‘Oi!’ Angus butts in, outraged.
‘And he really, really likes you,’ Eliza continues, ignoring Angus. ‘Plus, the feeling is mutual. I can tell,’ she adds as I stare at her. ‘You’re stupid if you’re going to pass up a hottie like that. He won’t stay single for long.’
I gather myself together. ‘No, he won’t. And I need to be okay with that.’ I try to project the tone of a mature adult, something I’m supposed to be. ‘I want to settle down, get married and have kids. I want what my friends have, what you two will no doubt have in the not too distant future.’
They both shift on their seats like two peas in a pod, but neither of them denies it.
‘You’re still looking for Prince Charming,’ Eliza states, matter-of-factly.
‘Yes,’ I confirm with a decisive nod.
‘Well,’ she says, ‘just remember that he might not come in the package you’re expecting.’
Last night, the taxi journey home was unbearably tense. I didn’t want to talk about what had happened, so Toby just sat there on the other side of the car, staring humourlessly out of the window. It was only when we arrived at my place that he met my eyes.
‘Come and say goodbye tomorrow,’ he said.
I nodded and climbed out of the car.
‘Rose,’ he called after me, so I turned around and looked back in at him. ‘I mean it,’ he said. ‘Don’t go without saying goodbye.’
‘I won’t,’ I vowed. He seemed to relax marginally.
Now I can’t believe I made such a promise.
Surely it would be better for both of us if we had a clean break? But no, I do want to stay friends, and anyway, there’s something I’ve been meaning to give him.
Toby is behind the counter with Vanessa when I walk into Jennifer’s. He takes one look at me and jerks his head towards the bakery, holding the door back to let me go through. Out in the garden, I notice the windows to the café area are closed and the frosting is still in place.
‘I hope you’re going to take off the frosting or open up the windows when I’m gone,’ I say. ‘I didn’t do all of this for nothing, you know.’
He smiles, despite himself. ‘Sorry, I didn’t quite get around to doing it earlier, but I will. I promise. Dad’s talking about turning one of the windows into an outside door so people can come out here to drink their coffees. He really loves what you’ve done.’
‘That’s a great idea,’ I say, thrilled. ‘How’s your head?’ I ask, pulling up a single chair.
‘Head’s fine. Heart’s the problem,’ he replies, sitting down opposite me.
My face does its usual trick of heating up like a radiator, but he seems remarkably cool as he stares back at me.
‘I brought you this.’ I try to compose myself as I place the plant pot on the low table.
I re-potted one of the rose cuttings I took from home and covered it with a plastic bag to create a greenhouse environment. The other two I’m giving to Mum and Eliza. They’re just starting to shoot. I take off the bag now to show Toby, patting the soil down around the cutting as I explain where it came from.
‘When I’m back, I’ll plant it in the garden for you. The orange colour will work well with the crocosmias and helianthemums.’
He’s staring at me sadly. I tuck a loose piece of hair behind my ear.
‘You’ll have to spritz it with water every—’
My sentence is cut short by him reaching across and brushing my cheek with his thumb.
‘Dirt,’ he explains, rubbing it from his hands and meeting my eyes again. ‘It’s funny, I’ve got this overriding memory of Mum baking in the kitchen at home. She always had flour on her face. With you it’s soil.’
I shake my head, smiling sadly. ‘I wouldn’t make a good baker, would I?’
‘You’d make a better gardener,’ he replies.
It’s a lightbulb moment. I gawp at him, open-mouthed.
‘What is it?’ he asks.
‘I think I’ve just worked out what I want to do with my life,’ I tell him.
He looks bemused.
‘I don’t want to go back to nursing. And it’s not just because I’d find it too hard. When I think about it, I didn’t really choose a nursing career in the first place. It’s not what I love, what I’m passionate about.’ I look around and laugh a little. ‘This is what I’m passionate about.’ Tears sting my eyes and I feel bizarrely emotional. ‘I love gardening.’
I don’t think I was destined to be a nurse, I think I was meant to work outside in the garden, wind, rain or shine. Gardening was Mum’s hobby – it was her passion. Nursing was her job. She missed her vocation, just as I missed mine. But it’s not too late.
I find myself laughing giddily.
‘Does this mean you won’t go away?’ Toby asks, still a little bemused, but mostly hopeful.
My face falls. ‘No. I’m going. I have to.’
I do want to follow in Phoebe’s footsteps, but this is not just about doing what Phoebe did and seeing what Phoebe saw. This is about closure. Then I’m going to go my own way and see the world.
‘How long will you be away?’ Toby asks downheartedly.
‘I don’t know. Maybe a year, maybe less.’ I’m taking the train to Paris tomorrow and after a few days I’ll head to Chamonix. I thought about travelling around Europe first, like Phoebe did, but I think I’ll have too much on my mind, knowing that the Alps are waiting for me. I’ll go to Europe afterwards before flying down to Brisbane in December.
‘My uncle and his partner are having me to stay at their house in Byron Bay for Christmas,’ I tell Toby. ‘After that, I’ll backpack around Australia and come back via Asia.’
‘I’m envious,’ he admits.
‘Start saving,’ I respond with a smile.
He stares at the cutting on the table.
‘My mum said she’ll pop in to check on the garden for me,’ I tell him. ‘Maybe you should make watering the plants one of the new girl’s jobs.’
He shakes his head. ‘Nah. I’ll do it.’
‘Well, while you’re out here, don’t start up smoking again,’ I warn.
My heart flutters as he stares at me levelly.
‘Will you keep in touch?’ he asks eventually. ‘Text me?’
‘Do you want me to?’
‘Of course.’ He gives me a reproachful look. ‘Despite you throwing yourself at me last night, you’re still my friend.’
‘I did not throw myself!’
He laughs at my outraged expression and gets to his feet. ‘Give us a hug.’
I pull a face at him, but stand up and prepare myself for goodbye. His arms fold around me and he holds me tight.
‘I’ll miss you,’ he whispers into my ear. ‘Thank you for everything.’
‘I’ll miss you, too,’ I whisper back. I let him go before I start to cry.