Chapter 12
Eliza
Well, that was a total waste of time. I’m on the train on my way back to Manchester after what proved to be a completely futile search for a new home. I’ll have to come back again next weekend. The thought depresses me.
I rest my head against the cool glass and stare at the scenery flashing past outside the window.
I’ve often wondered, if I could go back in time, would I do anything differently? I felt so lonely after my sisters flew the nest. Would I have had the strength to keep Angus at a distance?
I was the only one left of us to wave Angus goodbye when he set off for university and I hated admitting it, but it was his departure that hit me the hardest. I remember him hugging me goodbye and being surprised to find there were tears in my eyes when he withdrew. He brushed them away with his thumbs and told me he’d be back in three weeks for his mum’s birthday – maybe we could catch up then?
After he left, I would lie on my bed with my hand on the wall, imagining him on the other side. It was stupid, but I couldn’t help it. I didn’t feel like singing or writing. I lost the will to do much of anything at all.
‘Cheer up, Lizziebeth, it’ll be okay,’ Dad kept saying. He didn’t like seeing me so listless, but he was pleased that I was still around. Mum had been volunteering at Priory Gardens so Dad and I hung out a bit. I remember us brainstorming money-making ideas. I was the one who suggested he and Mum turn the house into a B&B to keep them occupied in their retirement, and it was he who encouraged me to start busking to build up my confidence after the band broke up. I enjoyed having him to myself, even if he was primarily trying to take his mind off the loss of his Number One climbing partner.
I still remember the first time Angus called to speak to me – me. My stomach fluttered at the sound of his voice at the end of the line.
‘Liza,’ was all he said.
‘Hello,’ I replied with surprise. It had been two and a half weeks since he’d left for university. He was coming home for the weekend – I’d been counting down the days – but I hadn’t expected him to call.
‘What are you doing on Saturday?’ he asked.
‘Nothing.’ I’d kept it clear on purpose. ‘You’re home for your mum’s birthday, right?’
‘Yeah, it’s on Sunday, but I’m free on Saturday. You want to hang out?’
‘Sure,’ I replied, trying to sound cool, even as nerves bounced around my stomach. ‘What shall we do?’
‘Want to take a drive out to the Peak District for a picnic?’
‘Sounds great.’
We ended the call, but I sat staring into space for a long time afterwards. I knew he was just being kind because I was there on my own, but I wondered if Phoebe would mind me spending the day with him. If she rang before Saturday, I decided I’d double check with her.
But she didn’t ring, and four days later I waited for Angus to come round. He’d arrived home late the night before – I’d heard his Land Rover pull up on the driveway.
Mum and Dad had seemed a bit surprised to hear we were going out together, although they hadn’t specifically said anything against it. When the doorbell went, I jumped.
‘I’m off!’ I shouted down the hall.
‘Have fun!’ Dad shouted back.
I opened the door to Angus’s lovely smile. He was wearing light-grey cords and a long-sleeved dark-grey top layered under a black Bloc Party T-shirt. He’d been to see them on tour recently.
‘Got the sarnies?’ I asked, going outside and closing the door.
‘Yep.’
‘Better not be any fishy ones.’
‘You don’t like mackerel?’ he asked with surprise, opening the gate and standing back to let me pass.
I gaped at him. ‘You know I don’t like mackerel! I don’t like anything fishy! Not even tuna.’
‘Tuna’s not fishy. Not really. Especially when it’s mixed in with sweetcorn.’
‘Angus!’
‘I’m messing with you.’ He wrapped his arm around my shoulder and gave me a squeeze. ‘I’ve done us cheese and pickle,’ he said, letting me go again.
I’d seen him do that casual gesture with Phoebe so many times, but it was the first time he’d done it to me.
I didn’t think he noticed me blushing as we climbed in the car.
It wasn’t long before we were out of Manchester and winding our way through the hills of the Peak District. I looked past Angus to see a stream carving its way along the gulley down below. He followed my gaze.
‘How about somewhere around here?’ he asked.
It was October and there was a chill in the air, but that day it was only partly cloudy and when the sun came out there was real warmth to it.
We spread out our picnic rug by the stream. Angus left his car door open with The White Stripes blaring out of the stereo.
‘Show us your bits, then,’ he said.
I smirked as I got out some grapes, millionaire shortbread and two packets of salt and vinegar crisps. He grinned, passing me a sandwich.
‘I bet your mum and granddad were happy to have you home again,’ I said between mouthfuls.
‘Yeah.’ He scratched his head. ‘Well, Mum was. I think Granddad prefers the peace and quiet, but Mum misses me.’
‘Of course she does.’
He glanced at me with his multi-hued eyes. ‘How are your parents? Going from three to one must have been a blow.’
‘Yeah. I feel like an only child.’
‘That must be surreal,’ he said.
‘It sure is.’
‘Do you like it? Having them to yourself?’ he asked.
I thought about that for a minute. ‘Yes,’ I admitted. ‘But I’d rather have my sisters here. The house is very quiet without Phoebe.’ Her constant laughter and chatter had been silenced so suddenly. No one else could compete. No one else even tried. ‘And when Rose went to university, Mum moped for a week.’ I had known she’d be sad to lose Rose, but it had upset me more than I’d expected. I even missed her banging on my wall and shouting at me to turn my music down.
Angus smiled at me sympathetically as I swallowed and looked down at my sandwich.
‘What about you?’ I asked. ‘Are you pining for Phoebe?’
He didn’t answer immediately and my eyes shot up in time to see him shrug. ‘Yeah, but she’s been gone a while now.’
‘How often do you talk to her?’ I tried to sound casual, hiding the hurt I felt about my favourite sister barely calling me.
‘She’s texted me twice,’ Angus replied. ‘That’s it.’ He sounded flat.
‘She hasn’t called you?’ I asked with surprise.
‘Well, we are on a break,’ he said pointedly.
‘What?’
‘Didn’t she tell you?’ he asked with a frown.
I shook my head.
‘We thought that this year would be too hard, trying to keep a relationship going,’ he explained. ‘We decided to take a break and see how things are next year when she’s back.’
I was shocked. I’d thought Phoebe and Angus were in far too deep to ever consider climbing out, even temporarily. She’d lost her virginity to him – oh yes, she’d told us, not that it was necessary because it had been written all over her face. How could she have let him go if she’d loved him so much? Why hadn’t she confided in Rose and me?
‘You okay?’ Angus asked.
‘Yeah, I’m a bit taken aback, that’s all. It’s odd that Phoebe didn’t say anything.’
‘Have you always told each other everything?’ he asked.
‘More or less. At least, I thought so.’ Maybe she was more secretive than I knew. ‘Anyway, it doesn’t matter.’
We fell silent.
‘Do you ever wish you had siblings?’ I asked eventually.
His lips turned down at the corners and he shrugged. ‘Maybe I do, somewhere.’
I stared at him with confusion so he enlightened me.
‘I don’t know much about my real dad, other than that he’s American and he was in the army stationed near here. Oh, and he didn’t want anything to do with us when Mum told him she was pregnant. Who knows where he is now, if he’s married, if he has kids.’
I felt traumatised on his behalf. ‘Do you ever think about trying to track him down?’ I asked.
‘No,’ he replied. ‘My mum is the only parent I need – or want. Anyway, it’d be like a kick in the guts to her after all she’s done, raising me on her own.’
‘You said he was stationed near here,’ I said. ‘Did your mum live around this area when she was younger?’
‘She grew up in our house,’ he replied. ‘She was only eighteen when she fell pregnant – my grandparents threw her out. I didn’t even meet them until I was about six. I don’t think Mum’s forgiven them for that, but Granddad’s mellowed in his old age. They’re closer now than they ever used to be.’
‘No wonder you didn’t visit them often.’
‘Hmm, no great surprise. I was gutted when Mum said we had to move here.’
We fell silent. I was mulling things over, but eventually I just came out and said it.
‘I saw you once, in the park,’ I told him. ‘About a year before you left Brighton.’
‘Did you?’
‘You were on your skateboard.’
His eyes widened. ‘Did you speak to me? No,’ he answered his own question. ‘I would have remembered.’
I smiled at him and noticed something. ‘Your eyes are the same colour as the hills.’
‘Are they?’ He looked half mystified, half amused.
‘Yeah, look,’ I said with a smirk, nodding at the hills behind us. ‘A mottled mess of tawny brown and grassy green.’
‘A mottled mess?’ He raised one eyebrow. Then he said, ‘Look at me. Let me see yours.’
‘They’re exactly the same as Phoebe’s,’ I replied with a laugh.
‘No, they’re not,’ he said seriously. ‘I’m not quite sure what it is, but they’re not the same.’
‘They’re exactly the same,’ I insisted drily. ‘That’s the definition of identical.’
‘You’re not completely identical,’ he maintained. ‘I can tell the difference between you.’
‘Go on then, tell me how we differ. And you can’t just say it’s the way we wear our hair.’
‘Rose’s face is slightly rounder, softer,’ he said.
‘No, it’s not,’ I scoffed.
‘Phoebe’s eyes are ever so slightly a lighter shade of green.’
‘Bollocks. You’ve just spent a lot of time looking at them in the sunlight.’
He carried on with his analysis as though I hadn’t spoken. ‘And they both have a tiny sprinkle of freckles, here.’ He touched my nose and I flinched, surprised. ‘It’s probably because they spend more time outdoors. They’re so faint, you can barely see them, but you don’t have any at all.’ He met my eyes.
Butterflies swarmed into my stomach as I stared back at him.
A moment later, he looked away. ‘But before that, you’re right, it was the hair.’
I laughed uneasily. ‘Bet you couldn’t tell the difference between us if you were drunk.’
‘Bet I could,’ he replied flippantly.
Angus called me again the following week.
‘I just tried ringing Phoebe,’ he said.
‘I thought you weren’t in touch?’ I replied with confusion.
‘We said we’d stay friends, but anyway, she didn’t answer.’
‘Aw, are you lonely?’
‘Nah, just felt like a chat. Are you alright to talk for a bit?’
‘Sure, I’m not busy.’ I settled myself on the chair in the hall for what turned out to be the first of many phone conversations.
At first, we talked a bit about Phoebe, but as the weeks went on, she barely featured in our conversations. He told me all about his journalism course, his professors, his classmates and his drunken nights out in London, and I told him about life at home: my stop-gap job as a waitress at an Italian restaurant, my pervy boss Mario and the random amusing things that happened with my customers.
Every time the phone rang, my stomach swirled with jittery nerves. I knew I was in dangerous territory, but I couldn’t stop it.
Phoebe, on the other hand, barely called home. I was hurt and upset and just a little pissed off about it. She rang towards the end of November, just before setting off for Chamonix in France. She’d been inter-railing around Europe up until that point, but she and her friend Josie were planning to remain in the mountains until the spring, with just a short break when they’d return home for Christmas. I asked her outright if she was missing Angus.
‘Yeah, of course,’ she replied flippantly. ‘But I’ve been so busy, I haven’t had time to think about him or home much.’
She was so casual about their relationship that it made me wonder if she had ever loved him at all. Even Angus seemed quite content without her.
In the middle of December, the university term ended. Rose stuck around in Portsmouth for a bit, in no rush to leave behind her shiny new friends, but Angus came straight home.
When he hugged me hello, I felt like my heart was going to expand through my ribcage.
‘Hello, trouble,’ he said, releasing me only enough to smile down at me. ‘Miss me?’
‘Might’ve done,’ I replied.
Judy worked as a receptionist at a local lawyer’s office, so Angus and I spent most of the next few days in each other’s company. On Wednesday, he offered to drive me into the city to busk. He sat on a nearby bench, and every time I looked over he caught my eye and gave me an encouraging smile. At one point a couple of guys came and stood a bit too close and I saw him brace himself, ready to get involved if necessary. It was like he was my bouncer or something, but whatever it was, I felt protected.
‘Have you had any luck getting a gig?’ he asked me later, when we were hanging out in the tree house.
‘No,’ I replied edgily. ‘I don’t think I’m ready yet.’
‘Don’t be ridiculous, of course you are.’
I flashed him a sheepish look. ‘Dad’s been going on at me, too. But I’m busy with waitressing and busking, and it’s not like we haven’t been round to a few venues.’
It was Dad’s idea to try to line something up, but with his thinning hair and my scratty pigtails, we probably looked like a right pair when we walked into places and asked to see the manager. I laughed at the knock-backs at first, but in truth, I was scared to death that I was screwing up my life. I had no career plans if the music thing didn’t work out. It was the only thing I cared about.
Well, not the only thing.
‘No one wants me,’ I told Angus. ‘They all say I’m too young, that I don’t have enough experience.’
‘Have you only been looking at bars in town?’
I nodded.
‘What about trying some working men’s clubs in the suburbs, just to get some experience?’ he suggested. ‘My granddad might know someone who’d be interested, that’s all. I could ask?’
‘Okay. Sure, why not?’
That evening, Angus came back over. His granddad’s ex-colleague Ernie ran a club just ten miles away and was interested in meeting me. The next day, we went there together. Within a minute of our introduction, Ernie was asking if I was free on Monday night.
‘He didn’t even want to hear me sing!’ I squeaked with delight on the way back home again. My first ever gig was four days away!
Angus chuckled. ‘The look on his face when he saw you.’ He shook his head with amusement. ‘He thought all his Christmases had come at once.’
I beamed at him. ‘Thank you!’ I exclaimed, leaning across to impulsively peck him on his cheek.
His face flushed, but he kept his eyes on the road.
Once my initial excitement subsided, all I was left with was tense anticipation. I had no idea if anyone would even turn up. Angus helped me make fliers and we distributed them locally. We hung out in the tree house going over my set list and I was touched that he was helping me.
Dad noticed how much time we were spending together. On Saturday afternoon before the gig, he brought it up. ‘You’re seeing a lot of Angus, Lizziebeth.’ He had taken to using my old nickname again and usually I loved it, but not that day.
‘We’re friends,’ I replied defensively, wanting him to butt out.
‘Do you think Phoebe would be okay with that?’ He raised one browny-grey eyebrow at me, his green eyes challenging.
‘Of course she would,’ I replied snappily. ‘Anyway, she knows. I don’t think she could care less, to be honest.’
I had occasionally dropped it into conversation that Angus and I chatted to each other, but as conversation with her was so occasional, it was possible it hadn’t properly sunk in.
‘As long as you know what you’re doing,’ Dad said, making me squirm.
His anxieties were still playing on my mind the following day. Judy answered the door when I went to call on Angus.
‘Oh! Hello, Eliza, I thought you were Phoebe there, for a moment!’
I forced a smile. ‘No, she doesn’t get back until Saturday.’ She was coming home in time for Christmas, but would return to France before the New Year.
‘What a shame she can’t make your gig tomorrow night. I’m looking forward to it.’
‘Are you coming?’ I asked with surprise.
‘Of course! Angus wouldn’t forgive me if I didn’t support you.’
It was a sweet, innocent comment, but it made my heart sing.
The problem was, nothing could stay innocent forever.
Angus was the first person I went to after I stepped down from the stage. He took me in his arms and hugged me hard. I was ecstatic. Despite the uninspiring surroundings, I had loved every minute of the set.
‘What about me?’ Dad interrupted. He and Mum had both come along to support me.
As I pulled away from Angus to hug him, I caught sight of Judy’s face and the look of wary concern she was wearing. I was instantly on edge.
‘Meet you in the tree house later?’ I asked Angus before we left.
‘Yeah, see you there,’ he said in my ear, touching my arm.
I waited for forty-five minutes and it was flipping freezing. Just as I was about to give up and blow out the lantern candle, he appeared.
‘Where have you been?’ I exclaimed.
‘Sorry,’ he muttered. ‘I got talking to Mum.’
‘What’s wrong?’ I asked, noticing his mood. ‘Has she said something about me?’
He looked alarmed at the question. ‘Why would you think that?’
‘I saw the look on her face, after we hugged.’
His eyes dropped to the floor.
‘Does she know you’re here?’ I asked.
‘No,’ he replied uncomfortably.
‘Tell me what’s wrong,’ I urged, leaning forward. I gave his forearm a small squeeze and he glanced down at my hand before looking up abruptly to meet my eyes.
‘Do you think Phoebe would mind that we’re friends?’ he asked.
I let him go and sat back against the wall. ‘She shouldn’t. Why? What has your mum said?’
‘She thinks that I’m being reckless.’
‘Reckless, how?’ I asked, my pulse jumping unpleasantly.
‘She’s worried I’m leading you on.’
‘And what do you think?’ I asked hotly, trying to cover up how mortified I felt.
‘I think that I feel more for you than I should.’
The intensity in his expression made my heart skip a beat.
‘Angus,’ I warned, shaking my head. I knew I was playing with fire by getting close to him, but I thought I was the only one who’d get burnt. I didn’t think Angus would be affected, and I certainly didn’t expect to hurt Phoebe.
He hadn’t taken his eyes from mine. ‘This is where you admit that you have feelings for me, too,’ he said in a low voice.
‘No,’ I replied adamantly, shoving open the rickety wooden door and climbing out into the dark, frosty night. He didn’t try to stop me from leaving.
I was all over the place the next day. Luckily, it was snowing, so I could hibernate indoors.
But then another day passed without us seeing each other and I began to fret. It was clear that he was avoiding me as much as I was avoiding him, but did that mean he regretted what he’d said? I wished I could truthfully say that I hoped he did.
With Phoebe due home on Saturday, we were running out of time to smooth things over. But his mum had finished work for Christmas and I was too chicken to call on him for fear of bumping into her.
Then, on the Thursday afternoon, I was sitting on the windowsill when I saw Angus going outside to his car. Without thinking, I opened the window. He looked up at me.
‘Where are you going?’ I tried to force an easy smile.
‘To the supermarket for Mum,’ he replied flatly.
‘Can I come for the ride?’ I asked casually.
His brow furrowed, then he nodded hesitantly. I ran downstairs and grabbed my coat, calling out to Mum and Dad to see if they needed anything.
By the time I’d hurried them up for a list, the ice had thawed from his windscreen.
‘Sorry about that.’ I climbed in and pulled the door shut with a clunk. ‘Mum and Dad asked me to grab a few things.’
‘It’s fine,’ he said, putting his left hand on the back of my headrest and looking over his shoulder as he reversed. I snuck a glance at his face and my heart contracted.
‘How have you been?’ I asked when we were moving forward again. One of us had to bite the bullet.
‘Fine,’ he replied shortly.
‘Have you been busy?’
‘Liza, it’s okay,’ he said out of the blue. ‘I get it.’
‘Get what?’ I asked carefully, tensing as he pulled up at the kerb and turned to face me.
‘I know that you feel the same as I do.’
The blood rushed into my cheeks as he continued.
‘But I also know that Phoebe will always come first for you. You’d never hurt her.’
‘I wouldn’t,’ I agreed, fervently shaking my head at him.
‘I know that this is a bit screwed up. I still care for her a lot, probably more than she cares for me, judging by how little she’s been in touch.’ He didn’t even sound bitter; he was just stating a fact. ‘But even if she and I call it quits for good, which feels like a distinct possibility at the moment, I know she wouldn’t like you and me to be toge—’
‘She’d hate it,’ I interrupted.
We both fell silent. After a while, he spoke.
‘Anyway, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything, but I was confused and I can’t shut up around you.’ He smiled at me pensively. ‘Do you reckon we can go back to being mates?’
‘Of course we can,’ I replied, relief intermingling with regret.
I somehow managed to convince myself that once Christmas was over and he’d returned to university, we’d be able to get back to the way we were. But then Phoebe came home and I was completely and utterly unprepared for the jealousy that I felt when I saw her with Angus.
Don’t get me wrong: things weren’t great between them. She seemed a little cool, and maybe he was more bitter than he’d let on about her not calling him much, because you could’ve cut the tension between them with a knife. Still, I backed right off.
Surprisingly, Rose proved to be a decent distraction. I found myself hanging out with her, asking her about her course and her friends. She loved telling me gruesome nursing stories and most of the time I enjoyed listening.
Phoebe headed back to France the day before New Year’s Eve. That evening, I opened my window to have a sneaky cigarette. I’d only taken a couple of puffs when I heard Angus’s window opening.
‘Hey,’ he said, leaning out.
‘Alright,’ I replied offhandedly. I knew I was going to find it hard even to look at him for a bit.
‘You okay?’
‘Fine.’
I felt him watching me, but I fixed my attention on the front garden below.
‘What’s wrong?’ he asked eventually.
‘Are you still going to Darryl’s New Year’s Eve party?’
He seemed surprised by my out-of-the-blue question.
‘Um, yeah. Are you?’
‘I think so. Do you know if your mate from the Leisure Centre, Jake, is?’
‘Er, I don’t know,’ he replied uneasily. ‘Why, do you want him to be going?’
I shrugged. ‘Maybe.’
Angus and Jake had worked as lifeguards at the pool over the summer. Jake had come to my gig and I’d caught his eye a few times. He was a little older than us, good-looking, fit and, importantly, still lived locally. Why shouldn’t I set my sights on him?
‘I could ask him, if you like?’ Angus said.
‘Yeah, that would be good.’ I felt a sudden, inexplicable swell of anger.
‘Are you sure you’re alright?’ he asked again.
‘Why wouldn’t I be?’
He shrugged. ‘I don’t know. Are you missing Phoebe? Did you like having her home?’
‘Did you?’ I turned his second question around on him.
He shrugged again. ‘It was okay. No, actually, it was pretty pants,’ he admitted truthfully.
I frowned at him, meeting his eyes at last.
‘You know we broke up properly, right?’ he said.
‘What, permanently?’
‘She didn’t mention it?’
‘No, once more, she didn’t.’
He nodded at my cigarette. ‘Have you got any more of those?’
‘Yeah.’
‘Want to meet me in the tree house?’
I hesitated, but only for a moment. ‘Okay.’
I snuck out of the house without telling Mum and Dad where I was going. It’s not like I needed their permission to do things at my age – after all, I was eighteen – but they might’ve found it a bit odd. I hoped they wouldn’t check up on me on their way to bed.
Angus was outside before me and I watched as he folded his long limbs over the fence, just missing the flowerbed as he dropped to the soggy grass. He had a bag in his right hand and he gave me a small smile before climbing up the ladder. I followed him up and pulled the door closed, then we both took off our boots. I lit a couple of candles and settled in one of the beanbags. He pulled out a small bottle of vodka, a big bottle of coke and a couple of disposable cups.
‘Are you drowning your sorrows?’ I asked as he cracked open the vodka.
‘No,’ he replied calmly. ‘It’s not like we didn’t see it coming.’
‘I can’t believe Phoebe failed to mention it again.’ I was upset, actually. I hadn’t felt very close to her at Christmas. It had been partly my fault. I hadn’t made much of an effort, but she hadn’t even asked how my recent gig had gone. I kept getting the feeling that she hadn’t wanted to be at home and that hurt.
Angus handed me a cup. I chucked him my packet of cigarettes and surreptitiously watched him as he lit up. His face was so handsome highlighted by the flame, his cheekbones even more pronounced. He took a drag and blew the smoke out through a crack in the door.
‘So, what’s this about Jake?’ he asked. ‘You’ve got the hots for him, now?’
‘I’ve always thought he was good-looking.’
‘You reckon?’
I was thrilled at the hostility in his voice. Was he jealous?
‘Do you think he fancies me?’ I asked, hoping to wind him up further.
‘Of course he does.’
My eyes widened. ‘Has he said anything to you?’
‘Yeah, and you wouldn’t like it if you heard it, so don’t ask.’
‘Tell me!’ I exclaimed, prodding his stomach with my socked foot.
‘No.’
‘Go on.’ I prodded him again and he grabbed the ball of my foot, holding it steady. My stomach fluttered as he stared at me with irritation.
‘Let’s just say he’d be happy with any one of you, or all three at once.’ He shoved my foot away.
‘Oh, is that all?’ I said in a bored voice, adding a yawn for good measure. ‘We’ve heard it before. Loads of times.’
‘Yeah, well, I wanted to deck him when he said it to me.’ He glared at me and took a swig of his drink.
‘Aw, Angus.’ I prodded him again, but this time when his hand closed around me, he didn’t show any sign of letting go.
‘I hate it when people lump you together like you’re the same.’ He held my foot against his chest and I could just about feel his heart beating beneath my sole. ‘You couldn’t be more different.’
I smiled a small smile at him, but I didn’t know what to say. ‘Give us a drag.’ I leant forward and took the cigarette from him. He relaxed back into the beanbag and regarded me levelly as I inhaled.
‘You don’t really like Jake, do you?’ he asked.
‘Why do you care?’
He gave me a meaningful look, but didn’t spell it out. My head spun. The vodka was already making me woozy and the cigarette wasn’t helping.
‘No,’ I murmured.
He took a deep, shaky breath and sighed heavily, not taking his eyes from mine.
‘How many guys have you been out with?’ he asked.
‘I don’t know. Five.’
‘Were you serious with them?’
‘You mean sex?’ I asked directly.
He nodded warily.
‘I haven’t been with anyone like that.’
His jaw hit the floor.
‘Surprised?’ I asked drily.
‘A bit,’ he replied, gobsmacked.
‘You’re not the only one. People generally think I’m the floozy triplet.’
I offered up his cigarette, but he shook his head, still looking a bit stunned. The smoke was adding to my dizziness so I sat forward, opened the door and threw the cigarette out.
‘Remind me to hide the butt in the morning,’ I said, starting in surprise as his hand slid up the back of my calf.
He froze, and then held both palms up. ‘Sorry.’
‘Did you forget who I was for a second?’ I asked mockingly, removing my foot from his chest. I’d seen him do that to Phoebe.
‘Fuck off,’ he said with annoyance.
‘Angus Templeton, you’ve got quite a temper on you tonight.’
‘Eliza Thomson, you’re a fine one to talk,’ he replied in the same tone of voice.
‘Do you think I’m an angry person?’ I asked, taken aback.
‘Well, you’re not all hearts and flowers like Rose, that’s for sure.’
‘You think Rose is hearts and flowers? She’s got some serious spikiness to her.’
‘I’m not saying she’s a push-over. But she’s softer than you and Phoebe are.’
I narrowed my eyes at him. ‘If Phoebe and I didn’t exist, would you fancy Rose?’
‘What a thing to ask!’
‘Answer me.’
His eyebrows pulled together as he thought about the question. ‘Well, no, probably not.’
That didn’t sound very definitive.
He shrugged. ‘I mean, she’s beautiful, she’s kind, she’s funny. Technically I should fancy her, but I don’t know.’
‘I think I’m going to call it a night,’ I said darkly, reaching for my boots and pulling them on.
‘Hang on, what’s wrong?’ He sat up, sounding genuinely baffled. ‘You did say if you and Phoebe didn’t exist.’
I shook my head, suddenly feeling hopeless as I stared back at him. ‘I don’t know, Angus. I shouldn’t give a damn who you like, and you shouldn’t give a damn who I like. What’s wrong with us?’
We stared at each other for a long, heated moment. Butterflies crowded my stomach and went absolutely berserk.
‘Shit,’ he murmured.
‘No,’ I whispered, shaking my head a minuscule amount.
The next thing I knew our mouths were colliding.
Shivers rocketed up and down my spine as he tugged me onto his lap, my knees straddling his thighs. I kissed him back passionately, pushing my fingers through his hair as he pulled me hard against him. It felt so good, I couldn’t bear for it to stop.
The more he kissed me, the more delirious I felt. The ache inside became more pressing, more intense. I needed more. He unzipped my hoodie and slid it down my arms, kissing my neck and biting gently as my head spun and I stared up at the candlelit ceiling.
‘I want you,’ he whispered, making me tremble.
I slid my hands inside his shirt and his kisses became more frenzied as they traced the waistline of his jeans, coming to a rest on his belt buckle.
He said my name at the same time as Dad shouted it.
‘ELIZA! ARE YOU DOWN THERE?’
We both froze, but I came to my senses first.
‘YES!’ I shouted back, staring at Angus with wide-eyed alarm. If Dad found him here, he’d freak out.
‘YOU’LL CATCH YOUR DEATH OUT HERE! IT’S MINUS TWO!’
‘I’M COMING!’ I shouted back, climbing off Angus and pulling on my hoodie. ‘I’m sorry,’ I whispered. ‘He’ll be down here checking on me in a minute.’
‘Hey,’ he said as I pushed open the door. ‘Wait.’
‘What?’
He pulled me to him and kissed my lips. ‘I’ll see you tomorrow.’
Tomorrow came, and with it the guilt. It was overwhelming. I wanted to blame the alcohol, but we hadn’t had that much to drink. I was so freaked out. If Dad hadn’t interrupted us, how far would we have gone? Would we have had sex? Where would that have left me if we had? Absolutely broken.
It frightened me how much I’d lost my senses. In the cold light of day, I knew beyond any doubt that I could not have a serious relationship with the boy that my sister had lost her virginity to. The thought of the two of us giving ourselves to the same guy made me feel sick with shame. I would have been the floozy triplet that people joked about. The slag. The slut.
I got up the next day and went into town, telling my parents that I was going busking. Angus texted me to ask which street I was on so I assumed he’d called round looking for me, but I ignored him. I didn’t want him to find me.
He tried ringing, but I didn’t answer so he left a message saying that he’d see me at Darryl’s later. Mum and Dad were planning to drive Rose and me to the party after a meal at a posh restaurant they’d booked weeks before. But there was no way I was going. They dropped Rose off and I went home to bed, claiming to be unwell. Early the next morning, I got up and went to visit an old school friend who’d moved to Birmingham. Luckily she and her family were happy to put me up for a couple of days with next to no notice.
Angus didn’t stop calling or texting. Finally he left a message that was bound to get my attention: ‘I’m guessing that Rose told you what happened on New Year’s Eve.’
Of course, I was desperate to know what he meant by that. So I called him back.
‘Eliza!’ he exclaimed. ‘What the hell? Why haven’t you returned any of my calls?’
‘I’m returning them now,’ I said. ‘What happened with Rose?’
‘Has she said anything?’ he asked circumspectly.
‘No.’
He fell silent. I heard him take a deep breath.
‘Tell me,’ I urged, feeling sick to the pit of my stomach because I had an idea of where he was headed.
‘I thought she was you,’ he said at last, confirming my suspicions.
‘Oh God, Angus!’ I felt faint.
‘I’m sorry!’ he blurted. ‘I was drunk! I wanted it to be you. I wanted to see you there. And she didn’t stop me!’
‘Of course she didn’t!’ I raised my voice, but I wasn’t angry. I was destroyed. I knew Rose had a crush on him. Her eyes had followed him around like a lovesick puppy from the moment he’d moved in, but I never thought she’d let it go anywhere.
‘Liza, I’m so sorry,’ he said urgently. ‘I swear, I’ll never—’
‘Don’t call me again,’ I told him firmly, steeling myself. ‘Can’t you see how screwed-up this is? Let it go. Move on. I plan to.’
When we were invited to Somerset for Easter, I jumped at the chance. I wanted to avoid seeing Angus in person for as long as possible.
We saw each other that summer, but by then I was already going out with Jake. I hated the look of contempt in Angus’s eyes when he found out that we were ‘serious’, but I told myself it was for the best. It was the closure we both needed. Angus ended up getting together with a girl from university after that – her name was Megan – but they didn’t go out for long; only a couple of months. He had one other fling that I knew of, but it didn’t amount to much either.
Sometimes I had second thoughts about him. Dad’s death the year after almost broke me.
I was at my lowest ebb. I was nineteen and I’d had Dad to myself for only eighteen months. We’d grown very close. He had given up climbing the previous autumn under pressure from Mum, and he had no hobby to occupy his time or take him away from us. He had finally been showing a real interest in me and what I was about, and he’d help me set up gigs and drive me to and from the venues. He used to joke that he was my manager. We had such a giggle together. For the first time in my life, I’d felt like the apple of his eye.
I only just kept it together at the funeral. Mum asked me to sing Dad’s favourite song and I was wrecked, because I knew he would have wanted it too, so I couldn’t say no.
But it was the last thing I felt I could do. The idea of playing my guitar and singing a jaunty little song to a congregation of people, while my beloved dad was lying cold and lifeless in a box, was abhorrent. I did the best that I could, singing my song to the last person who would ever call me Lizziebeth, but towards the end, tears started to stream down my cheeks.
I couldn’t sit back down. I had said my goodbye and didn’t have it in me to endure any more.
I felt a jolt of electricity spark up my arm as I passed the third pew and the low whisper of my name as Angus’s fingertips brushed against mine. I met his eyes and wanted nothing more than to hold him and to have him hold me.
But by the time he’d found me, I’d come to my senses.
‘Liza,’ he said, his voice choking at the sight of me sitting on the grass, leaning up against a gravestone. He knelt down, but I flinched when he tried to touch me. I’d gone all this time without crumbling and I was determined not to lose it now.
‘I’m just trying to be a friend,’ he said quietly, his eyes full of concern. ‘I miss you. I miss my friend.’
‘You and I could never have been together, Angus. You do know that, right?’
It was one of the very few times we ever spoke about what happened. Maybe if we’d both had it out properly at the beginning, we could have forgiven each other and eventually become mates, but instead it had always been awkward.
‘It’s Phoebe or no one for you. Do you understand? If you don’t want her, you can’t have any of us.’
His stare hardened and he stood up and backed away.
Later I saw him holding Phoebe in his arms as she cried. I felt a bittersweet happiness for them. I could almost see the cracks in their broken relationship gluing themselves back together. I was glad that he could comfort her. She deserved it. And they really did make a beautiful couple.
They still do.
But I would have preferred it if he’d chosen not to have any of us.
I arrive home from my futile flat search in London at eight o’clock, just as Rose is coming out of the front door. She recoils when she sees me.
‘What’s up?’ I ask. ‘Where are you off to?’
She glares at me. ‘I’m going to see Angus’s new apartment.’
‘Are you?’ I wrinkle up my nose. ‘Why?’
‘I’m helping him unpack Phoebe’s things,’ she replies, already on the defensive.
I can’t help it. I let out a snort of laughter. ‘Are you for real? Haven’t you got enough sorting out to do? Or is Angus more important to you than Mum?’
‘Fuck off, Eliza,’ she hisses, and I don’t even flinch because I know what I said was mean. She continues. ‘Just because you’re a devious little bitch who wants to get into his pants—’
‘What are you talking about?’ I interrupt, paling.
‘I know about you! I know about you and Angus! You betrayed Phoebe years ago and you’re probably still betraying her now!’
I shake my head. ‘No. You’re off your rocker. There is nothing going on between Angus and me. Nothing. If anyone wants him, it’s you. You with your soppy, puppy dog eyes. You make me sick. Get a life.’
For a split-second, I think she’s going to slap me. ‘I’m telling Phoebe,’ she warns, suddenly serious.
‘Telling her what?’ I snap.
‘About what you and Angus got up to when you were eighteen. How you were this close to shagging him.’
I gawp at the thumb and forefinger she’s holding in front of my face, a centimetre apart. How does she know that? Did Angus tell her? Is he trying to wreck his wedding? I’m stunned. But no, he wouldn’t have done that. Hang on a second...
‘You found my old diary,’ I state as it dawns on me.
She looks away uneasily.
‘You bitch! I can’t believe you read it!’ I hiss. ‘Well, maybe I should tell Phoebe that you had it off with Angus at Darryl’s New Year’s Eve party! He thought you were me,’ I say nastily. ‘But you let him kiss you. You let him touch you.’ I don’t know this for sure, but I know Angus and I know how he was with me the night before.
I’m right, because Rose looks like she’s going to throw up.
‘Instead of accusing me of betraying Phoebe, why don’t you take a good, long look at yourself, Rosie,’ I spit. I laugh suddenly and look around. ‘Wow, if Judy and Mum could hear us, they’d cancel the wedding themselves,’ I say scathingly. ‘Jesus, you know what? I am going to tell Phoebe that Angus would have had either of us, too. She deserves to understand what she’s walking into before she marries the guy.’
‘No, don’t,’ Rose splutters. ‘You’d ruin everything for her. She’d be so cut up.’
I’m vaguely aware of the phone ringing inside the house, but I’m on a roll. ‘I disagree. She needs to hear the truth.’
‘IT’S PHOEBE!’ Mum yells.
‘Perfect!’ I erupt. ‘Perfect timing, Feebs.’ I smile evilly at Rose. ‘Maybe I’ll tell her right now...’