“YOU’RE BURNING MY BUNS!”

Nonnie playfully snaps the grilling tongs close to Saylor’s face. “Oh, trust me, if I were burning your buns, you would know.”

It’s a perfect day for a barbecue with a gentle, crisp breeze in the air and miraculously low humidity. Both Saylor and Peach have the day off and since Nonnie doesn’t go to the shelter on Sundays, my dad decided to grab burger meat and veggies from the store so we could enjoy the day together.

“Don’t take offense to this,” I tell Nonnie as she wraps her rainbow, iguana-patterned shawl around her. “But do you know what you’re doing?”

Her turquoise frames slip down the edge of her nose. “Of course I know what I’m doing.”

Smoke billows from the grill.

She suddenly looks unsure. “Okay, go get Peach.”

Smiling, I walk back inside. Wallis stays at my heels, but he doesn’t jump. He’s gotten better at controlling his enthusiasm, which I appreciate.

I find Peach standing at the island, knife in hand. “Nonnie needs some assistance. Preferably before she sets our lawn on fire.”

“I’m on it.” She gestures toward the tomato she was chopping. “Want to take over?”

I do, attempting to carefully slice them using her same perfect method. That’s where my dad finds me as he rounds the corner out of his room.

“Now here’s something I’ve missed,” he says, ruffling my hair. “You and me in the kitchen.”

“Don’t look so impressed. I’m only slicing veggies.” I gesture out back. “Peach took over the grill. I think she has it handled.”

My dad looks around, then grabs his apron. “I guess I’ll start preparing my World-Famous Potato Salad.”

I finish chopping the vegetables and put the platter in the fridge so they stay cold. Then I begin helping my dad peel potatoes over the sink.

“The secret ingredient is cumin,” he tells me.

“Should we post it on the internet and make millions?”

“Maybe we’ll keep it in the family, like those baked beans,” he says. “This was always a hit at Grams’s Fourth of July parties.”

Back then, Grams would invite her work friends over and tell me all my friends were welcome to join us. Of course I’d only invite Whitney, Raegan, and Lin. They were the only ones that mattered. Since we didn’t have a pool, my dad would let us set up the Slip ’N Slide, and Grams always said it was a miracle no one ever broke a bone on that thing.

After eating, we’d walk down to the Cedarville public park. There was a huge hill that gave a perfect view of the city’s fireworks, and the four of us would spread our towels into one giant square and eat the popsicles my dad had carried for us in the cooler. I remember smelling like sunscreen and bug spray and smoke from the grill. It smelled like happiness.

“Dad?”

He glances at me.

“Can we make those chocolate lava cupcakes later?”

“Yes, oh—” His eyes gleam. “And if they come out good you can take a selfie of them for your Instagram.”

I crack a smile. “That’s just called a picture.”

“I can’t keep up with your lingo these days.”

As he begins to launch into a conversation about a phenomenal grilling app he discovered, the doorbell rings. He starts to take off his apron, but I stop him. “I’ll get it.”

I wipe my potato-y hands on my jeans and run to the front door. When I fling it open, Jay is standing there.

“Hey,” I say, surprised.

He’s wearing a pair of black basketball shorts and a red Cedarville T-shirt. He’s sweaty, as if he just got back from playing ball.

“Sorry.” Jay suddenly looks embarrassed for being here. “I tried texting you.”

“My phone’s charging upstairs,” is the only thing I can think to say.

“Oh. Right.” He shakes his head. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to just show up.”

I blink at him. Once. Twice. This is weird. I mean, at lunch Jay practically acts like I don’t exist. It’s not supposed to be like this. Him, showing up here, like he did when we were dating. It feels like a betrayal to Whitney.

“So, uh,” I start, “is everything okay?”

“Not really.” He looks at his Nikes. Then back at me. “Whitney broke up with me.”

I feel my eyes widen. That’s not what I expected to hear, let alone from Jay. If anyone, I would have heard it from Whitney first.

My stomach tightens. Well, I would have if our friendship was like before.

“Did she say why?”

“She didn’t think I was that into it. Which, I don’t know, maybe I wasn’t.”

I want to tell him she’s probably insecure over the fact that he openly flirts with every female in his vicinity, but I don’t. It’s not my place.

“She says she doesn’t want things to be awkward. You know, like at lunch. But I don’t know.” He shrugs. “I feel like it will.”

“It can’t be more awkward than eating lunch with you both after I discovered you were together.”

I don’t mean to blurt it out, but there it is. We lock eyes for half a second before bursting out laughing.

“Man,” he says. “I’m sorry. That was kind of shitty.”

“Kind of?” I throw him a grin. “What about when you hit on me at Sonic?”

His ears go red, and he has the moral conscience to look apologetic. “That was shitty.”

“Well, it’s all in the past,” I find myself saying. “I mean, we weren’t that great for each other, were we?”

He’s quiet for a moment. “Yeah, I guess. I felt like you never let me all the way in. You were private about a lot of things, and I get that. But I told you over and over that I’d be there if you needed me, and I always felt like you were pushing me away. Or just pretending things were okay when they weren’t.” He looks directly at me. “But I could have tried harder, too. There were a lot of times I could have reached out and didn’t.”

A mix of emotions sink in my chest. I knew I treated him that way, but I’ve never heard him admit it out loud. When it came to discussing the hard things, Alex was the person I was comfortable confiding in, and now he doesn’t want anything to do with me.

“I’m sorry,” I say. “I wanted to pretend I was living a normal life.”

Jay laughs in surprise, but from his expression I can tell it’s not mean-spirited.

“What’s so funny?” I ask, curious.

“I mean, it’s just that nobody’s life is ever really normal, you know?”

I nod. It’s true. I’ve been judging things for how I wanted them to be, not how they actually were.

I take a deep breath. “Sometimes I feel like… like I don’t know who I am,” I admit. “But… I know who I want to be. Does that make sense?”

“Yeah,” Jay says. “It does.”

Before I can say anything else, the door swings open from behind me. Wallis comes bounding outside and nearly knocks Jay over. Saylor rushes out and grabs him by the collar.

I expect my natural reflexes to rise and wait for my body to go into panic mode, but it doesn’t. After confiding in Lin, I’d also told Whitney and Raegan about the recoverees, and neither of them saw a need for concern. They agreed that if everyone in the house was only helping and supporting each other, there wasn’t a reason to worry. At this point, that fear has dissolved. I have nothing to hide.

“Wallis!” Nonnie says, poking her head outside. Her rainbow shawl billows around her neck. “Get back here, you naughty thing.”

“Sorry,” Saylor says to Jay as he attempts to usher the dog back inside. “He’s still learning how to control his excitement toward other humans.”

“That’s okay,” Jay replies. “I was about to take off, anyway.”

“Saylor, Nonnie.” I gesture beside me. “This is my friend, Jay.”

“Great to meet you,” Nonnie says, extending a hand. “There’s a ton of food here if you want to join.”

“Actually, I should get home. But thank you.”

Saylor nods. “Of course. Nice to meet you.”

When the door closes, he turns back to me. “Your dad is doing okay, then?”

“He is.” It feels good to admit it. “More than okay, actually.”

“It’s nice to see him having friends over. Being social and all.”

“They’re friends from the Sober Living place. His fellow recoverees.” Explaining this to Jay doesn’t feel like a huge deal after telling my friends.

“And you’re fine with them being here?”

“Yeah.” It wouldn’t have been my answer a month ago, but it’s true. “They’re good people.”

Jay’s expression softens, and I’m relieved to see he doesn’t seem apprehensive. “Seems like it.”

For the first time in a long time, I feel positive about things. I’m not tempted to escape the confines of the house, and somehow—even with everyone here—it’s begun to feel more like home.

I don’t mind that I have every lyric on Queen’s Greatest Hits memorized. I don’t mind the small gasps Peach makes during the most predictable moments of Crime Boss when she sits down to watch with my dad and me, and I don’t mind when I find Saylor quietly meditating in the middle of our dismantled living room, making odd humming noises. Because Saylor helps me with my English essays even though he doesn’t have to and Peach does my laundry because she knows my schedule is crazy during football season and Nonnie shows me wild pictures from her old life in New York.

It’s nice to have people showing they care about you.

Maybe they’re not perfect, but they’re not encouraging bad behavior. And even though I don’t quite understand it, they’re recovering together. I can see the light in my dad’s eyes every time they admit their Small Successes at dinnertime and how he’s trying, really trying, to make this easy on me.

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t glad that I’m part of it.

Jay’s giving me a sideways glance.

“What?”

“Nothing. I don’t know. You just look happy, I guess.”

I turn to the closed door. When I go back inside, I know I’ll be greeted with a slightly charred hamburger bun and Nonnie’s awful dance moves and the gleam in my father’s eye when he tells everyone I helped him make his World-Famous Potato Salad. I find myself wanting to go. To be part of it.

“Yeah.” I feel my lips pull into a smile. “I think I am.”