I hadn't wanted to wake up that morning. Not because I was too tired, or my bed was far too comfy, but because I knew what the day represented. It marked the four-year anniversary of Shawn’s death. A whole four years since he’d left us behind for another life. A life less painful than this one. At least, I liked to believe that—that when we left Earth, regardless of how we went, we always moved on to a better life. I’d always imagined that Shawn was looking down on me, and that he was happy, no longer suffering and no longer a slave to his addiction. I truly, truly believed that. But no amount of believing stopped me from feeling an emptiness I couldn't seem to shake for long.

As much as I hadn’t wanted to wake up and remember what day it was, I did anyway. Just like I had done for the previous years. I got up, showered, dressed, and went to the local florist to pick up the floral arrangement I’d ordered. The same arrangement I ordered every year: White and pink lilies surrounded by Baby’s Breath, hand tied with a blue ribbon. Not that Shawn ever cared about flowers when he was alive. He had been far too macho for that. If it didn't involve video games, chicks, or football, he hadn’t cared. But I’d insisted on laying them by his grave anyway. Paying my respects always made me feel a little lighter than I’d done when I woke up. And although that feeling didn't last very long, I still held on to it for as long as I could, grasping at the warmth it gave me until it started to fade away, leaving me feeling empty and sad again.

Once I’d paid for the flowers and gotten back in my car, I began my short journey to the cemetery. It didn't take long. Six, maybe seven minutes until I made it through the archway. I used those six or seven minutes to mentally prepare myself for the visit. If I was going to cry, I would do it in the car. I hated crying at his grave, so I always tried to hold it back until I’d made it safely back inside the car. I didn't want him to see me cry or know that I was upset. It was silly, really. It wasn't like he was actually there. His body, maybe, but his soul was long gone.

I scanned my surroundings as I pulled my car into one of the available parking spaces. There were only three other cars parked in that particular section of the cemetery. There were a few more sets of parking bays, but they were farther down and to the right of the church. I couldn't see anyone else around as I switched off the engine, grabbed the bouquet of flowers and climbed out of the car.

The sun was particularly bright that morning and there was just enough of a breeze to take away the humidity. I breathed in the fresh air, mixed with the scent of the lilies I had brought with me, and continued to walk along the path. The first few times I’d gone there after Shawn passed away I’d gotten lost. I shouldn't have felt bad considering it was easy to forget because most of the graves looked the same, but I did. I had been frantic and hysterical as I ran from grave to grave in search of my brother. I was crying so hard I could barely see in front of me, and only when I bumped into the vicar did I manage to find Shawn's grave. The vicar sat me down as I sobbed into my hands, and somehow he was able to calm me down enough to speak. I didn't have to ask him for directions. He’d already known who I was looking for. He smiled, took my shaking hand in his, and guided me down the pathway before taking a left down to another pathway. And there Shawn was, right at the very end. It didn't take long before I was finally able to find it without panicking. Now I was certain I could find my way to him in my sleep.

I closed my eyes, blew out a breath, and looked up to see the outline of a headstone. Shawn's headstone tucked against a large willow tree that draped over the small area where he was buried. The branches cast a shadow over the small patch of grass, but it wasn't the branches or the shadows that caused me to stop dead in my tracks. It was the person knelt beside my brother’s grave that had my breath lodging in my throat.

I finally managed to let out a shaky breath as the back of the figure stiffened and turned to face me. Her eyes were wide with shock and her face was pale in horror. I started to move without even realising.

“What are you doing here?” I asked. The harshness of my tone hadn't been lost on her as she got to her feet and sidestepped out of the way.

“I’m sorry... I was just... going,” Aubrie said, her eyes meeting mine for a second before they fell to the ground. Anger bubbled inside of me.

After all this time, how dare she?

I continued to walk past her as though she wasn't even there, crouching down when I was in front of Shawn’s headstone. Normally I would sit, tell him all about my day as I slipped the flower stems into the circular pot filled with water. I would tell him how crappy my life was, how alone I felt in this town, and how I wished he was still with me. But I couldn't do that now. Not while she was there. She had run away and left me behind when I’d needed her the most, and then she’d came back years later as if nothing had happened. I’d needed her and she’d left me. My best friend in the whole world had deserted me until I had no one.

I closed my eyes and breathed in. I wouldn't let her get to me. She had done that enough already. She no longer existed to me. So I pretended as though she wasn't just a few feet away from me as I untied the bow on the flowers and began neatly placing them into the small holes. I wondered for a moment what Shawn would be doing right now. Would he be laughing at me? Scolding me for being such a bitch? Maybe he wouldn't even be watching at all…

“I can't believe it's been four years already. It doesn't seem possible,” Aubrie whispered. I could hear the emotion in her voice as she tried to mask it. I wouldn’t feel sorry for her. That wasn’t sadness in her voice. That was guilt.

I pulled a lily that had been tangled in with the Baby’s Breath and glanced up. “It feels longer,” I said flatly.

“I still think about him every day,” she confessed.

I snorted and shook my head. “I find that really hard to believe.”

“You don't have to believe me but it's the truth. I do. I hate that I wasn't here to say goodbye. I hate that I can't go a day without feeling guilty for not being here. For him… for you…”

Ah, I knew it. Guilt.

“You shouldn't. I did just fine without you. And Shawn would've died sooner or later, right?” Even as I said those first few words, I knew they were a lie. But she didn't have to know that. The truth was that I hadn't been fine. I’d been lost and afraid, and all I’d wanted was for my best friend to tell me that it would all be okay, that I wasn't alone. But she hadn't cared about me. Even when she came back, after years of being away, she treated me as though I didn’t exist. That hurt worse than her abandoning me three days after Shawn died.

When I saw her again it had been at college at the start of my second year. She looked different. Nothing like the girl I’d once known. When she’d looked in my direction, she didn't even acknowledge me. She’d looked right past me as if I was a ghost. I had been certain I would never see her again. I’d hated her for leaving me behind with my parents. I’d hated that she upped and left without so much as an explanation. A part of me had hoped I’d never see her again. The angry part of me. The one she had created when she walked away. But seeing her again after all those years, I’d wanted to run up to her, throw my arms around her shoulders and beg her not to leave again. I’d kept telling myself that maybe she was just surprised to see me after so long, that if I’d just given her time, space, she'd eventually come and find me. She'd explain why she had left and I’d forgive her. I’d have my friend back again. She never did... and I’d given up hope.

“We were friends once. Now it's like I don’t even know you.” Her words hung in the air, filling the silence.

What did she want me to say? That I’d changed because I lost two of the most important people in my life within a few days of one another? That I stopped giving a shit about anyone because it was easier than admitting how much they had hurt me? No, I wouldn't give her the satisfaction.

When I gazed at the two sets of flowers, everything started to make sense. The extra flowers I knew hadn't come from me—flowers that I knew weren't laid by my parents, either, because they hadn’t come back since the day of the funeral.

“I always wondered…” I found myself laughing at the thought.

“Wondered what?”

“The flowers. I knew they hadn't come from my parents. I always wondered, but I never once thought they'd come from you. Because you left? How could you…?”

When I glanced up, Brie pulled in a long breath and nodded, her lips falling ever so slightly. “I come back every year. Usually I sit in the car and wait until you've finished. I always feel bad being here when I knew you were around… like I’m intruding or something. I don't know…” She shook her head and swallowed hard. “I’m sorry. I should have waited until I knew you had been. I just… I figured I wouldn't be long anyway, but then you… I’m sorry.”

“Why? Why do you bother?” I found myself asking. Did I really want to know the answer? Hell yeah, I did. I wanted to know why she came back here every year just to lay flowers on Shawn's grave. Or why she never came to see me when she was back in town.

“I miss him, too, Mel. I miss him every day.”

She just didn't miss me enough to check on me.

I shook my head angrily and pushed up from the ground. My eyes searched hers for the answers I knew I wouldn't get. She was a coward.

Dusting my hands off, I shook my head again. “You shouldn't have bothered coming back.”

Brie closed her eyes tightly and held back a sob. “You don't mean that,” she said, her eyes finally finding mine. “You're angry. Deep down I know you don't mean that.”

I let out a cold laugh and rolled my eyes. “Oh, honey, you don't know anything about me.”

“Don't do that.”

“Do what, Aubrie, huh? What do you want me to say? That I’m glad you came back? That I forgive you for running away and leaving me to deal with this on my own? Well, I don't and I no longer care what you have to say. In fact, you're dead to me... just like Shawn is,” I spat out.

I needed to get away from her. I couldn't be around her any longer. It was as if I had gone back four years to the worst time in my life when the two people I’d loved most in the world left me behind with nothing but my anger to console me and the emptiness to consume me.

I held my breath and continued on past her, my footsteps quickening as I made my way to the safety of the car.

“Mel?” Brie called from behind. “One day you'll let me explain. And I’ll be here, ready for whenever that might me.”

She was ready to explain. After four years of silence, avoiding one another, me hating her, she was finally ready to explain. Only it was four years too late. I didn't need an explanation. Not anymore.