June 20, 2012
April Meree Bowles
May 21, 1976- June 20, 2010
Beloved Mother, Wife and Friend
LCDR USN
Cole walked across the lush green, and well-manicured grass at Forest Lawn Cemetery and stood before April’s grave. Two years later he still couldn’t come here without tearing up, thinking about the love he lost and the family he’d been denied. Seeing the cardinal sitting on April’s headstone, Cole could muster a half smile. The bird had appeared shortly after his return two years ago, and was here every time he visited. Since he wasn’t a big believer in coincidence, he had to believe it was April watching over him. She visited him in his dreams, well horrible nightmares that he experienced almost nightly.
By the time, he returned from Afghanistan, Jennifer had moved to Atlanta, and he’d not been able to contact her other than a few emails. She’d been okay with hearing from him at the beginning, but it became obvious, at least to him, that she equated losing her mom with him. Cole felt like Jennifer blamed him for not being there for her or trying to see her since coming back stateside. Jennifer had asked him to visit her several times, but he couldn’t bring himself to visit.
Cole held no delusions about his role in April’s death. He felt that he was to blame, and his inability to push to return stateside for the funeral just drove an even deeper wedge. Finally, Cole could admit to himself why he didn’t push to come back. The truth was he just couldn’t stand to see April in a cold box. He hated his continuous stream of excuses to Jennifer, but she didn’t need a reminder of his failures. The other problem was that whenever he looked at Jennifer he saw April because they looked so much alike.
Sitting down on the marble bench he had installed, Cole looked at the headstone and shook his head. “I’m sorry, April, that I failed to protect you and couldn’t save you. I should’ve been the one who died that day. At least if it had been me, I would’ve been missed, but I wouldn’t have left a child behind. These last two years have been hell on earth for me. I was so pissed that I couldn’t be here for Jennifer when they brought you home, but you know how the Navy works, and they wouldn’t allow me to leave the hospital. They don’t give a shit about your needs or desires. I look back on that day and I should’ve physically removed you from that operating room, but my heart tells me that no matter what I did, I couldn’t have saved you. I don’t think that I’ll ever be able to love again. I have this huge whole in my chest where my heart used to be. I feel like all I do is go through the motions of the day. I don’t get any joy from teaching anymore and I’m still so angry at the powers that be that sent us over there again and again. It may be time for me to get out, but supposedly I’m going to pick up Captain (CAPT) and take over the residency program. I have a meeting in the morning and I hope to get the good news. Anyway, I love you and will always love you.”
Cole stood up after placing the fresh flowers on her grave and walked away with a heavy heart. Hoping that tomorrow would bring the news he deserved didn’t seem to cheer him up any nor did it make life much better, but at least if he could get control over the residency program he could bring in more men and groom them to take over. The program had suffered in the last few years as the current program director and intern director wanted to continually bring in all female classes that had been fraught with numerous problems including drop outs, pregnancies and board failures. No use thinking about it today. I can’t change anything until I am in charge anyway.
The next day Cole went into work with a heavier heart than usual; it was the two-year anniversary of April’s death. After rounds and morning report, Cole settled into his usual routine of teaching and patient care. Thankfully all his patients’ pre-ops were completed and the patients ready to go for the next day. Cole sat at his desk absently fingering the resignation from active duty letter that he always kept on hand. Since his last deployment, Cole kept the letter nearby needing only a date and signature. He’d even gone so far to not take any additional bonuses just so that he wouldn’t have any additional payback to Uncle Sam. Maybe this is the right thing to do. I either need to get out or at least move to another area. Everywhere I go, whether it’s the OR, the cafeteria or the library, this place reminds me of April and what I lost. I think it’s time for a change. Before Cole could contemplate his life any further, his phone rang and his department head was ready for their meeting. Cole walked down the hall to see CAPT Peach. However, when he entered the office he had a sudden feeling he wasn’t going to like the outcome of this meeting.
“Come in, Cole and have a seat. First of all, let me be the first to congratulate you. The list came out today and you made CAPT. I’m very proud of you and all that you’ve accomplished since you were an intern and resident here. Now for the not so great part of the meeting. I know that today isn’t a good day for us to have this discussion, but your number came up again; you’re being sent back to Afghanistan.”
Cole’s face turned ashen white. “Why me sir? There are many other qualified surgeons even in this department that could do that job and have never deployed once.” Cole tried to mask the anger in his voice but was failing miserably. “Why is it that none of my female counterparts ever have their number come up? Not once since I’ve been here has a single one of them been pulled or at least made to go because the last two that got pulled magically became pregnant and didn’t have to go.”
“Cole you know this isn’t my decision. You are slated to leave in November so you would start work-ups in late September. If I could get you out of it I would, but my hands are tied. Unfortunately, because of this deployment we have had to pass on you taking over as residency program director. Veronica will assume those responsibilities.”
“Fuck. I’ll make it really easy on you sir. I’m not going on deployment. Not now or ever again. Ever since that last cluster fuck I was involved in, I’ve kept my life very simple so that I had a clean and easy exit strategy. So, the reality is I quit. You’ll have my papers on your desk in twenty minutes. I expect you to forward them up the chain of command by this afternoon. I realize it may take six months to finish, but I won’t sacrifice any more of my life because it’s inconvenient for someone else to have to go. And as far as my promotion goes, they can take it and shove it up their arses if you’ll pardon my Gaelic.”
“Cole don’t make any rash decisions.”
“It’s not a rash decision. I’m tired and this place has finally sucked the life totally out of me. This was just the final straw. No matter what, you’ll have my resignation paperwork shortly. I have a copy waiting for a date and signature because this has been a long time coming. If you’ll excuse me, sir, I will return momentarily.
Cole walked out of the office madder than he had been in a long-time and he needed to get several things done, but first and foremost was a call to his father, US Senator Conor Ryan. Cole sat down behind his desk and calmed himself down as he typed in the date and printed off his papers. Then he picked up the phone and dialed a number he knew by heart. After a few rings.
“Sen Ryan’s Office, how may I help you?” came the seriously no-nonsense voice on the other end.
“Victoria, it’s Cole. Is my father in?”
“Yes, Cole, he is. Would you like to speak to him?”
“Please. Thank you. “A few seconds went by and Cole heard the distinguished voice of his father and senior senator from Georgia.
“Cole, what’s wrong son? Victoria said you sounded upset and it is unlike you to call me on the office phone.”
“Listen dad, I’m fine. Well, not really. I need a favor. I know you sit on the Armed Services Committee and have a lot of contacts over at the Pentagon. I was told today that I was promoted to CAPT, but I’m being deployed again in November, and they gave the residency program director to someone else because of this deployment. I can’t and won’t go back over there. I want to resign my commission effective immediately or as quickly as it can be done. You know I never ask for anything, but I need your help on this. Please.”
“Cole, congratulations of being selected for CAPT, you deserve it, but I understand your desire to not go back. I can’t promise you that you will be out in a week, but I promise you that you will be out by the end of the year. That way you have time to find a job and take all your leave. With all the leave you have, you should be able to leave at the beginning of October.”
“Thanks dad. I really appreciate it. I didn’t mean that I wanted to get out next week and thank you for helping to ensure I’m out by the end of the year. I love you and tell Mom I’ll see you guys fourth of July weekend.”
Cole hung up and sat at his desk looking over the paperwork that represented his freedom from military service. With a stroke of the pen he signed his name and returned the paperwork to his department head. Feeling liberated and freer than he had in years, Cole leaned back in his chair and thought of all the places he could go work at, but only one really struck him as a desire. Going back to Atlanta to work with his friend Dr. Lincoln Montgomery would be a great opportunity, and since he held a license to practice in Georgia not much paperwork would be involved. Dropping his hands to his head, Cole fought back the tears and emotions that were tearing through him. Not only did he lose April, but he lost Jennifer. She’d become a daughter to him and not seeing or talking to her tore at his soul. Perhaps it was just the emotion of the day, or the stress of the shit he was dealing with at work, but this was a long time coming and Cole knew to the depths of his soul that this was the right decision. He would finally be able to leave this portion of his life behind.
Not knowing whether or not Jennifer would receive the email, or even respond, Cole set about doing what he did at least 4 times a year.
Dearest Jennifer:
I hope that this letter finds you doing well and adjusting to your new life. I’m sorry that I don’t know much about it, but I understand your desire to not share anything as you struggle to leave the past behind and forge new beginnings. I think about you every day and hope that you are moving forward. I know that today is a tough day for you and your aunt, but please know that I am thinking about you.
I visited your mother’s grave this morning and then was informed that I have been selected to return to Afghanistan. I want you to know that I can’t return to that God forsaken wasteland. I have resigned my commission and will be leaving the Navy soon. When I get settled I’ll let you know where I am, and as always if you ever need anything please let me know. You were truly the daughter I never had, but you will always be mine in my heart.
Love always,
Cole
Getting up from his desk, Cole smiled inwardly for the first time in a long time and walked down the hall to take care of his patients.