Chapter 4
Owen
When things got rough, I ran.
Sometimes, I pushed myself, running the track at the gym, but more often than not, it was the type of running that meant I took off and didn’t look back. It was like I expected problems to magically vanish if I ignored them long enough.
A lot of times they did, even if it was just because people got tired of sitting around and waiting for me to come back. If it meant the person vanished, too, well…
Even better. Even easier.
I’d learned that much when Adrian had just left. It was easier when he was gone. When he’d come home for holidays, there had always been this distance between us. That chasm had only grown with time, and for all that he’d come back to “help” me, it didn’t feel all that helpful.
Not when I wanted to run away from my own… house.
It seemed like that was all Adrian and I ever did — run away from each other, turn our backs on one another. I didn’t know how to fix it, or if I even could.
As much grief as I gave him, I wanted to. I didn’t want to have cold, forced conversations with him, but fuck, there was something about his prim, smug attitude that made me want to provoke him.
Then that night…
What the fuck had that been about?
It had been damn near a week since my brother had knelt at my feet to eat from my hand — and it sounded so fucked up when I put it that way, even though there hadn’t been anything sexual about it.
Except for the part where my cock had been hard in my pants from the second he’d obeyed me, and the fact that for a moment, we’d connected. He’d let down his guard, let me see the uncertainty and the longing, and it had been spellbinding.
I’d played Dom before — and it had been playing. It had been casual, without much experience and mostly with how-to guides from the Internet. It hadn’t been like this. That had been fucking around, with grins and snide comments. I wouldn’t have really called it BDSM, even; it had had some of the trappings, but for the most part, it’d just been sex.
Good sex, but only sex.
Then there had been getting my brother to kneel down on the floor next to me, to let me tell him he was a good pup and feed him store-bought cookies by hand. His lips had brushed my fingers, and for a moment, I’d forgotten that he was my sibling.
That we didn’t get along.
That there was so much distance between us that we might as well have still lived in different zip codes.
It had felt natural with Adrian, and so fucking rewarding, to watch the way the stress melted from his features as he submitted so beautifully, as he drank in the praise.
It had been easy to be kind to him, to offer him the comfort I had such a hard time giving him any other time. But when he’d gotten up and fled, I’d realized he’d probably noticed my erection.
Not sexual, my ass — and I couldn’t help but snort quietly to myself at my own thought.
I’d avoided him since, which hadn’t been too difficult. He left before I got up, and I got back after he’d gone to bed. I had run and run, but I was miserable. I didn’t want to avoid Adrian forever, but he probably thought I was a fucking pervert. I shouldn’t have admitted the things I had.
I tried to make up for it, in my own way. A few extra crumpled-up dollars from where I’d worked overtime on top of the power bill, dinner for him to reheat on the stove…
Then there was tonight.
My palms were sweating as I took the leash out of the bag, and I didn’t know what the hell I’d been thinking when I’d bought it — or what he’d think. If he assumed it was mockery, that would probably be best.
I ripped the price tag off, coiled it neatly on the table, and scrawled a note: for your research.
I berated myself the whole way back to my room, shaking my head as I wandered into the bathroom to shower. As much as I tried, I couldn’t shake the sight of him wearing the collar with that plug in his hand. I wondered how it would feel to have the end of the leash in my hand.
I groaned, sagging against the wall of the shower, my hand sliding up and down my cock. It wouldn’t hurt to get off; maybe then I’d stop thinking about sex.
I tilted my head back and closed my eyes. Images flashed through my mind, and no matter how much I tried, I couldn’t filter them out. I stopped trying, just giving in to get it over with, to get it out of my system.
And I thought about him there, naked but for the collar; I imagined what he’d look like with the tail in his ass.
The shower washed away the evidence of my shame, and I couldn’t help the guilt as I stepped out of the tub. I dried off and loosely draped the towel around my waist. My head was clearer, and it didn’t hurt that I’d just gotten off.
What did hurt was the fact that I almost ran right into Adrian when I took a step into the hallway.
“Oh, I’m… I’m sorry. I didn’t… I wasn’t watching where I was going.” Adrian took a hurried step back and started looking around at the walls and the floor and eventually the ceiling — anywhere but at me.
“Yeah, no worries,” I said, fidgeting with the towel around my waist. Good thing I’d gotten that out of my system, or it would’ve been painfully clear that I was responding to the sight of him.
“Why don’t we clean out Mom and Dad’s room?” I blurted out.
Perfect. No more arousal, no more decent mood, nothing. I always did know what to say.
Adrian’s face went white. “Do we… I mean… We can…” He stopped and took a deep breath before finally turning to look at me. “Do we have to? I know we do eventually, but it feels…”
It was clear from the look on his face how hard even the thought of it was.
“I guess so.” He closed his eyes for just a moment. It looked like he was having an internal debate or talking himself up to it. “Do you have to work Saturday morning or night?”
“Evening shift. I’ll be home late.” It wasn’t my favorite time to work, but once it got late, it wasn’t that bad. Sometimes I even managed to study.
“Then how about we work on it Saturday morning? I have to be at the accounting office after classes for the next couple of days, but I’ll be free by then.” Adrian finally looked over at me, barely making eye contact. Instead, his eyes went to the tattoos on my arms and shoulder, though he looked away just as quickly.
Yeah, he probably didn’t approve.
“That’ll work.”
I briefly felt a flash of guilt for forcing this on him, but at the same time… It had to be done. And as much as I hated myself for thinking it, we might find a few things we could pawn — because Adrian’s savings account was dwindling to nothing, and it wasn’t like my crappy job or his internship paid well.
I wasn’t going to mention that to him.
It was almost — almost — funny that the logical brother wasn’t the one being rational and moving ahead. No, the emotional wreck and pain in the ass was.
Because I was so fucking damaged, and it was the only way I could cope. I ran, and not just physically. Running almost always got rid of reminders of the past as well. It just hurt too much to have to see them every day.
He looked down at the floor. “Have you… Did you… I haven’t gone in there since they died. Just to get the stuff… the stuff they needed. What should we do? Like, donate their stuff?”
That was probably the best idea, and it wasn’t like I had a better one. “Probably. I know Mom had a few things she said belonged to her mom. Those old earrings she said were from when her dad went to war or something.”
They hadn’t collected a lot of stuff over the years, and what they did have was mostly sentimental shit. I’d rather they’d kept old bonds than old baby stuff, but memories were better than nothing, I guess.
“And wasn’t there like her wedding dress in a bag somewhere?” Adrian looked up at me.
And if it looked like his eyes had scanned up my body, I was going to chalk that up to my crazy brain trying to justify the shit that was still going through it. The tattoos. That was what it was. He was trying to see just how else I’d desecrated my body, as some might say.
“Yeah, and didn’t she have some photo albums or something, under the bed?”
Adrian shrugged, “Maybe?”
“There’s probably some stuff we need to box up and keep, but most of it can be donated or sold.”
He finally cracked a smile. “Want to have a lemonade stand to go with your yard sale?”
I laughed and leaned against the door frame. “I was thinking pawn shops and Craigslist, but if you want to go hang out in the front yard on a Saturday, be my guest.”
“No.” Adrian gave me a grin but then quickly looked away again. “I’m not really a deal with the public kind of guy.”
I was going to go ape-shit on him if he made a joke about my job.
He glanced at me, maybe sensing me pulling away. “You do a better job with people, I think. I’m glad… You do a good with that.”
It was an awkward compliment, but I thought it was one. Maybe.
“Um, thanks. I could if you wanted me to, though,” I said slowly. It would fucking kill me to watch strangers pick through their belongings, judging them and haggling for what they thought was a good price for the invaluable. But if I had to, I would do it to spare Adrian. “It might be the easiest way to do it. We can donate what’s left…” I trailed off, unsure of what else to say.
I might’ve been good with people — sometimes — but that didn’t mean I was good with my brother.
“No.” He shook his head. “Your idea was more practical. I’m not sure either one of us wants to sell stuff and talk to the neighbors.”
I shrugged as though it didn’t bother me at all, even though it threatened to rip me apart. I’d always seen my brother as someone stronger, more confident, but the past few months had shown the lie of that.
I could see the allure of something like puppy play to him, but if I tried to offer again, that same tension in the air might reappear. I didn’t know what I’d do if he realized how turned on I was…
But maybe this was the first step toward helping him heal, toward helping us both heal.
“We’ll go through it then figure it out.” Abruptly aware that I was only wearing a towel, I tugged awkwardly at it to make sure it was going to stay in place, and I wished I was hiding in a robe. It wasn’t like I was embarrassed about my partially completed sleeve, but under Adrian’s gaze, I was keenly aware of it. “I should, um…” I nodded toward the door of my room.
Adrian glanced down at my towel and blushed. “Yeah, probably a good idea.” He took a step back and started heading toward the stairs. “I have to get going but yeah… Saturday. Um, thanks.”
“Sure. Saturday.”
I watched him go, closing my eyes briefly. My brother was a mystery to me. With anyone else, I’d have poked at it until I’d seen what lay beneath the surface. But he was different from others, and I didn’t know what to do.
Shaking my head, I turned as well, going to my own room and closing the door behind me. There, I was alone with my thoughts, and I didn’t want to be. But for now, there was nowhere to run.
All I could do was hide.