Chapter 9
Adrian
I was starting to think this wasn’t such a good idea, but after several more days of Owen and I not exactly ignoring each other, I wasn’t sure I had another choice. I needed someone to talk to, and if the only person that the professor could recommend was a shrink, I was going to take that as a sign from the universe or something.
Not that I was crazy. I was just hoping they’d understand.
When I’d asked the professor if she knew anyone in the lifestyle I could talk to, she hadn’t been able to name anyone off the top of her head. However, she had said a guest speaker who came in to some of her classes might be able to help.
Dr. Sheppard evidently ran a counseling practice with couples who were in non-traditional relationships. She’d finally broken it down when she’d seen that I looked slightly confused: in other words, he mostly worked with people who were in fetish and lifestyle relationships.
Maybe she thought I was shocked or horrified, because she started talking about the statistics behind the number of couples in BDSM and kink-based relationships. As I listened to the mini-lecture, I wasn’t so much shocked as just surprised that there were enough couples in the area to need that kind of specialization.
There were enough people like me who needed someone to talk to.
It wasn’t far away or in some bigger city. It was in my own backyard. I probably ran errands next to people who would understand what I was going through and would never even notice.
Well, some of what I was going through. The whole “my master is my brother” thing was probably unique.
After my professor had let her lecture wind down, she’d called Dr. Sheppard and asked when he could talk to me. She might have been focused on the deadline that was rapidly closing in, but I had a feeling she thought I would probably chicken out if I waited too long.
She might have been right, but I didn’t take it personally. After hearing the different comments and problems other students were running into with their projects, I had a feeling she’d seen a lot of weirded-out students recently.
If she could send me to Dr. Sheppard right away, it would be one less panicked student for her to deal with.
Right away meant I was standing in front of a generic-looking office building not thirty minutes later. When I’d asked if she knew someone, I’d kind of thought I would have a couple of days to work up the nerve to ask my questions.
With no time to prepare, I just hoped that I would sound functional enough for him to feel comfortable asking one of his clients to talk to me. “Patients” was probably a better word, but it sounded… wrong.
Knowing I didn’t have much longer before I’d be late, I forced my feet to walk through the doors. Long before I was ready, I was standing in front of a woman who was clearly the receptionist.
“Um, I have an appointment with Dr. Sheppard. My professor just called. My name is Adrian.” Forcing the words out, I tried to appear calm and reasonable.
From the little smile she gave me, I wasn’t so sure it was working.
“Dr. Sheppard will be with you in just a moment.” She glanced over at the chairs, a hint I could sit down probably, and I was inordinately glad she hadn’t added any small talk. I didn’t want to answer questions about school or the weather. There were too many things running around in my head for me to answer polite but unimportant questions.
Before I could turn and walk over to the chairs, or possibly just make a mad dash for the exit, a door opened, and three people walked out. The two younger guys shook, I was assuming, Dr. Sheppard’s hand and thanked him again for working everything out.
“I’m just glad you came to me. I know it would have worked out eventually, but I think it was easier for everyone that you didn’t try and handle it alone.” Dr. Sheppard gave them what seemed to be an understanding smile.
The shorter guy grinned. “Yeah, I’m not cut out for a life on the lam.”
The taller one, who had an athletic look to him and seemed kind of familiar, just shook his head. “Because that was the only option. Come on.”
They tossed the doctor another goodbye as they walked out, and I was left wondering what Dr. Sheppard had helped them with and what sort of relationship they were in. I rationally knew that people in the lifestyle varied in age and in backgrounds. My research spelled that out very clearly. But seeing two guys around my age walking out made it sink in even more dramatically.
“Adrian?” The doctor gave me a concerned look.
“Yes. Thank you for seeing me.” I was going to have to attempt to look like a person with his shit together or the doctor was never going to let me talk to someone he knew.
“I’m always glad to help Professor Hays. I’ve enjoyed speaking with her classes.” He stepped back and gestured to the open door. “Why don’t you come in so we can talk? I understand you’re doing a research project on the fetish community.”
Tripping over my own feet did nothing to help my desire to look functional. Dr. Sheppard’s expression changed subtly, and his whole demeanor softened. One moment I was looking at someone who could have easily been another professor. The next, it was like something changed, something subtle. I wasn’t sure I could describe it, but it made the tension inside of me fade.
“Have a seat, Adrian. I’m happy you came to talk to me.” He took a chair across from me as I sat down.
I couldn’t help but look around the room, which was a warm space that was obviously his office. The large desk and volumes of books gave that away, but the chairs scattered around the room and little touches my mother would have said were “homey,” it made it feel more like a living room than a doctor’s office.
“Um, thank you for seeing me.” There was a short pause, and I was compelled to fill the silence. “I’m researching puppy play for my final project.”
He smiled like he understood and leaned back in his chair. “What do you think of puppy play?”
It wasn’t the question I was expecting him to ask, so it took me a second to process it. I probably should’ve taken longer. “It’s relaxing.”
Yup, should have taken longer.
I knew as soon as the words came out of my mouth that my response wasn’t that of someone who was just researching it. There was no way to pull the words back though, so I just prayed he wouldn’t think it was a weird response.
Dr. Sheppard just gave a little half-shrug of acknowledgment and continued on, like I hadn’t said something completely insane, “I can understand that. Many people involved in that lifestyle say very similar things. There are a variety of different preferences and fetishes that all boil down to different ways of being able to relax and turn everything else off.”
I nodded slowly and tried to think of something to say that wouldn’t be blurting out the truth. “I looked at a variety of fetishes and lifestyles before I settled on puppy play.”
Dr. Sheppard looked at me like I’d said something interesting. “How did you settle on puppy play for your… project?”
The short pause wasn’t the same confusing, mocking tone Owen used, but it had a similar feel to it.
I wasn’t sure how to respond. “I started looking through lists of topics and browsing through information that was available online, and I found puppy play… interesting.”
“Sometimes we’re just drawn to things.” His voice was warm and understanding, and I wasn’t sure what it meant. Did he understand what I was going through? “We don’t always have to know why something pulls at us.”
I nodded slowly again. This wasn’t the way I’d expected the conversation to go. “I’ve been trying to understand it so I can write a better paper.”
“Explaining it to people and understanding why we’re drawn to different lifestyles aren’t the same thing though.” Dr. Sheppard cocked his head and waited a moment. When I didn’t respond, he kept going. “If you’re simply trying to write a paper with first-hand examples of individuals in the lifestyle, I have several friends who may be willing to speak with you.”
Friends?
He went on before my brain could process what the word implied. “However, if what you’re looking for is a more internal understanding of why you are drawn to the lifestyle, I’m not sure they would be the right people to talk to. Yes, eventually, but not yet.”
It was like I was standing on the edge of a cliff and had to decide whether to jump or head back to safety. How could I ask for people to talk to for my paper or admit it was turning into something else when I’d barely managed to acknowledge it to myself? But with a stranger…
“I…” Nothing else came out. I took a breath and tried again, pretending that I wasn’t glancing at the door to try to see how quickly I could escape. “I tried some of it.”
Well, evidently my brain decided what I was going to say all on its own.
“How did it feel to you?”
In for a penny, in for a pound. Wasn’t that the way the expression went?
“Weird at first, but the more I thought about it, the more curious I became. And once I finally tried some of it… it wasn’t as weird as I thought it would be. Playing was relaxing.”
“When you give up control to someone else, it can be very freeing. There is nothing to worry about and no pressure on you other than to listen to your dominant or whoever is your handler—”
“Master,” I interrupted before I could even think about holding it in. “I have a master, not a handler.”
And it was out, no taking it back now. I probably should have said that I thought I had a master, but I didn't want him to know how up in the air and confusing it was.
He nodded like that made perfect sense. “When your master gives you instructions, it makes life very simple. He or she is taking on the responsibility of caring for you and making the decisions. It can be a very close bond.”
“But not always sexual?” I meant it to come out as a statement, but it sounded more like a question.
“Yes, that’s true. It’s a very intimate bond, as I’m sure you experienced.” Dr. Sheppard talked about it like he understood how it would have felt, like he wasn’t just reading through textbooks and quoting people. How did he know?
“Um, yes, but it was nice with Master. He made it different than when it was just me trying to figure it out.”
“Tell me about Master. How did you meet him?”
I wasn’t sure how to describe our relationship without telling him everything. “I’ve known him for a long time, and I wasn’t even sure if he liked me as a person. When he found out about the project, that started to change things. I guess it made us look at each other differently? I don’t know. He volunteered to help me, and it felt good, relaxing. But also… more confusing than I’d thought it would be.”
I hoped I was vague enough that the doctor wouldn’t guess who Master also was. When Dr. Sheppard listened and didn’t seem horrified, I relaxed inside. Maybe I could talk to him without having to explain everything, keep the puppy part separate from everything else.
“The intimacy of a bond like that can change how we see people and ourselves. How do you see him now?” The words were soothing, and something about his voice made me want to answer, to try to explain.
“He was more loving toward me than I ever thought he would be. He was a different person when we were playing.”
“Did you like who he was in that moment?”
“Yes.”
I liked him more than I wanted to admit.
****
As I drove home, my mind was an even bigger mess after the discussion than it had been before. I wasn’t sure that was a bad thing. Talking with Dr. Sheppard had been stressful but freeing. I didn’t tell him everything. There was no reason to tell that part, but it was enough to really make me think.
I was walking away with more confidence about my feelings on puppy play but a lot less when it came to my relationship with Master. And Owen.
They were still two different people in my head, and I wasn’t sure how to reconcile that. But after talking through my feelings about Master, I knew I didn’t want the awkward avoidance to continue.
Dr. Sheppard had said that it didn’t have to be sexual and reinforced what I’d already seen online. It might not be sexual, but it would be intimate and make us closer than we’d been before. He’d also said that I needed to talk to Master to see how he was feeling about what we’d done.
Especially if I wanted it to continue.
He’d given me ideas and information about continuing in the play without a handler or dominant, but I’d seen how that had gone for me already. I knew I needed someone there with me — someone who could understand and make me feel safe.
Master made me feel safe.
I just needed to figure out how to explain that, but figuring out how to talk to Owen about it was hard. I wanted the closeness and the laughter back. I wanted to see him smile and feel him touch my hair again. And I needed to know if he wanted it too.
I was home before I was ready to be, but I had a feeling that no matter how many times I drove around the block, more time wouldn’t help. Owen’s car in the driveway didn’t help my nerves either. He had a pretty regular schedule, so it shouldn’t have surprised me, but knowing he was home made everything feel more urgent.
We couldn’t keep avoiding each other, even if it wasn’t as bad as it had been before. I wasn’t sure what kind of a relationship I wanted from him, but I knew if we didn’t stop the cycle, eventually I wouldn’t have any.
I parked the car in the driveway, walked up the sidewalk, and let myself into the side of the house. The house was always quiet lately, but it felt even more oppressive than usual. All I wanted to do was to go up to my room and hide, but I knew I couldn’t.
“Owen?” I called out softly as I entered the house, but it quickly became obvious he wasn’t in the kitchen. It was so quiet I knew he couldn't even be downstairs.
When I passed the table in the low afternoon light, I almost missed the note and a little bag from the pet store. It shouldn’t have made my heart race like it was flowers on Valentine’s Day, but it did.
I forced myself to open the note first, trying to get my hopes under control. It didn’t help.
You had fun playing tug-of-war the other night, so I had to grab it.
What had he grabbed? Setting down the sweet, unsigned note, I looked in the bag to find a rope toy. My stomach whirled as I looked at it, and I couldn’t decide how I felt. Maybe it would be easier if I knew what he was trying to tell me. Was it just that he was okay with what we’d done and he didn’t want it to be weird anymore? Did he want to try it again? Had he pictured playing with me?
It wasn’t a toy I could use on my own. He had to have realized that when he’d bought it. He’d gone to a store designed for pets just to get it for me. That had to mean something, right?
Taking the toy and note in my hand, I started heading through the house.
By the time I reached his room, my resolve was starting to fail, but I refused to go back to the weird no man’s land where we ignored each other and the elephant in the room. Taking a deep breath, I raised my hand to knock, only to have him open the door and leave me standing there looking like an idiot.
“Um, hi.” Every thought went out of my head.
His lip quirked into a semblance of his usual smug smile, but there was something different enough about it that I didn’t immediately think he was mocking me — not that I could place what it was to save my life.
“Hey,” he greeted me, letting the door swing all the way open.
I never went into his room, and he rarely left the door open. I’d assumed it’d be a mess in there, and it sort of was. But it was more “lived in” than “pigsty.” I wanted to get more of an idea of what he liked from it, but it felt rude to stand there and gape.
“I, um, wanted to talk to you about something.” I’d had everything planned out in my head. It had made sense, and I’d sounded functional. But now it was gone.
He let me stand there stupidly for a moment before he broke the silence. “About what?”
I looked down at the toy. Starting there might be the easiest until my brain caught up. “Thank you for the toy. It’s going to be fun to play with.” I took a breath and tried to gather my courage. “Can we play with it this weekend?”
Now it was in his hands. What would he say?
“I didn’t get it for you to put it on a shelf and stare at it,” Owen replied lazily, but there was a flicker of uncertainty in the way he bit his bottom lip that made it clear he was nervous too. “I guess you could use it as a dreamcatcher,” he added, deadpan.
Maybe he wasn’t as nervous as I was, but there was definitely something there. It made me feel a little better knowing I wasn’t alone in that.
“Good, okay.” Yup, still sounding like a moron. “I was wondering if you’d like, well, if you wanted to go out and get something to eat. There’s a little bit of wiggle room in the budget, so I thought it might be fun.”
The words came out forced and in one long breath that didn’t make me sound any smarter, but I felt a little proud that I’d managed to get them out at all. But now it was back to him, and I had no idea what he’d say. Was it weird that I’d even asked him? It probably should have come out more casually, but it was never like that with us. We’d gone from formal to puppy play without much in between. Hopefully we could change that though.
It caught him off guard, and his eyelids flickered. He met my eyes, and I almost felt like I could see into him then, like he wasn’t so distant as always.
“Um.” He ran a hand through his hair, and my eyes went to the tattoos on his arm.
I wanted to touch them, but I held back, knowing I was probably already pushing my luck enough as it was. “We don’t have to,” I added hastily, before the moment could get too awkward.
“Nah, it’d be nice to eat something we don’t have to clean up after,” he said, flashing a grin at me. “When and where?”
I hadn’t actually thought he’d agree to go anywhere with me, so I had no idea what to say. I had a feeling fast food was out, and expensive places were definitely off the list. “Um…”
Not too nice, but not too casual. I wanted to let him know that this was important to me and not just something I was throwing out there. “How about we look for something over by the mall?”
There was everything from fancy to simple on that side of town, and it was a fairly common place to go on a date. I just hoped we could find something in our price range.
“Sure, let me get ready and I’ll be down in a minute.” Owen turned to walk back into his bedroom and started to shut the door. I got one last curious look from him before he closed it. I wasn’t sure what it meant, but I told myself that anything was better than indifference or anger.
I just hoped I was right.