CHAPTER 26

KATE

Nothing was the same anymore. Everything was either tainted by the new memories I had of Liam or the old ones I had of my life before the amnesia.

Now that I was able to remember who I was and how I had gotten to be where I was, everything just seemed more real. Before, when I had no memory, I could tell myself that I had just fallen into a slump and all I needed to do was pull myself out of it. But now that I knew how I had fallen into the slump, and what I had already tried to get out of it, I wasn't so sure it was possible.

For example, my shitty apartment that I was convinced I would be seeing the tail end of once the lease ran out, felt more like home than it ever had. But that was only because I could remember living there for over eight months. I had thought over one hundred times about moving out but was never able.

And my writing. I hadn't written anything for three months before the accident. Every time I had sat down at my laptop, words had totally eluded me. I had all but given up on writing and settled into my terrible life.

The worst thing too was that I was totally prepared to move on. With no memory of any of that, I had a sense of confidence and assurance in my own ability that I no longer possessed. All my old fears and reservations had come pouring back into my head, and they weren't going anywhere.

And then there was Liam.

After he left my apartment, I cried all night long. I didn't sink into a bottle of vodka or put on a romantic movie to try and distract myself. Instead, I let the tears flow.

I didn't know what I hated more, the fact that I despised him so much for what he did, or the fact that I still loved him with all of my heart. It was crazy, and I knew that, but even after what he had done to me, those new memories were so fresh that I couldn't just forget them.

And now, everything I did reminded me of Liam. My life had fallen into a new pattern over the past few weeks, and it all revolved around him.

I got up early the next morning to go for a walk, as I always did. This only reminded me of him and the way I was desperate to stay in shape and on track for him. Half way through, I abandoned my walk and went to get a coffee. This was no good either as I used my free coffee card at Split Bean and was very quickly reminded of him again. Even the leather clad, overtly gay biker couldn't distract me from my thoughts.

My coffee tasted even more bitter than usual. I was about to walk back to my apartment to commit to the final part of my routine. This was when I would pull myself up to my laptop and spend the rest of the day writing. I had gotten pretty good at it, too. In the last two weeks, I had written five short stories, each one getting better and better. I could feel myself improving and was able to sense that big break just around the corner.

But as I strolled back in the direction of my apartment, I couldn't think of anything I felt less like doing than writing. Not only did it remind me of Liam, but my old memories and habits were clouding my judgment, too. The writer's block that I was experiencing was coming back in full force and threatening to destroy all the progress I had made.

With nothing to do, and a mind that wouldn't let me rest, I did the only thing I could think of that might help. I called Liana.

--

We ended up having lunch at a restaurant near where Liana lived. It was about a forty-minute walk from my place, but I insisted on meeting her there. I needed the walk to compose myself and prepare myself for the onslaught of questions that were sure to come from her.

She was, of course, ecstatic about the fact that I had my memory back and couldn't wait to gossip with me about everything that had happened over the weekend. Especially after I told her that I had broken up with Liam.

I didn't tell her why I had though. I decided to save that little tale for a face to face. Liana always made a great audience, too. She knew when to gasp, sigh, laugh, and curse in all the right places. As I told her what happened at Niagara Falls and about my past with Liam and the way that he exploited it, she didn't let me down.

"I can't believe it!" she exclaimed as soon as I had finished telling her everything, right up to the moment that I kicked him out. "I seriously cannot, will not, and don't know how to believe it! I mean, what in the fucking fuck?!"

"I know, right," I said, feeling a sense at relief at having told her. I'd been carrying a lot of pent up energy since the previous night. As I told her the whole story, I realized that what I needed was a way of getting it all off my chest. Liana really was the perfect conduit.

"I just can't believe he did that? It's crazy? Isn't it crazy? I mean, he just seemed like such a nice guy!" She took a long sip of her glass of wine. We had been at the restaurant for a little over an hour by that point and were already on our second bottle. The more I spoke, the louder we both got.

"He still is a nice guy," I said, accidentally defending him. I didn't even mean to. It just kind of slipped out.

"Hey, don't do that!" Liana protested. "The man is a pig. All men are. Have you ever seen that movie? The one where all the men are dead? I tell you, that's the world that we need to live in. One free of men."

"What about the sex?" I countered, unable to keep from smiling. Liana had definitely managed to turn my mood around, even if it was only temporary.

"Sigh. You're right. Even a dildo isn't going to cut it. Maybe we can just take over and keep them as sex slaves? No talking, no cuddling. Just stick it in, do your thing, and get the hell out."

She nodded to herself as she took another sip. Something told me that she had thought about this scenario before.

"Yeah, I guess," I said, sighing. My good mood lasted exactly thirty seconds. Liana's talk of sex made me remember some of the great times I’d had with Liam, and that only served to drag me down again.

"Hey," Liana said, noticing my mood slipping. "Don't let him do that to you, okay? The moment that you feel sad, he wins. The pig isn't worthy of that. In fact, it's probably best to imagine that he is at home right now, crying his little lying eyes out. Better yet, maybe he was so sad that he took a razor and slit his—"

"Don't," I cut in. "Seriously, Liana. Don't say that."

"Why not?" she asked, not looking the least bit put out. "After what he did to you? I think he deserves nothing less."

"Yeah, maybe you're right," I said absent-mindedly.

The truth was that I actually hated thinking of Liam being upset. Every time I thought about him at home, alone, it broke my heart. The fucked up thing was that I still had feelings for him, and I knew that despite the way he acted, he still had them for me. He was without a doubt hurting, and that thought hurt me, too.

"Oh babe, don't tell me you still have feelings for the guy?" Liana asked aghast.

"I don't know," I admitted. "It's just not as easy as you think it is. I can't just turn them off like that. Did you know we told each other that we loved one another the night before? Did I tell you that? How do you come back from that?"

"No one said it would be easy. But babe, you can't. I mean there's no way that you can go back to him? Can you?" The look on her face spoke of a person who thought that such an act would be the biggest betrayal of all time. And she was right, too.

"Of course, I can't," I admitted. Although it had crossed my mind, multiple times. I wondered what it would be like if I took him back, if I called him up and asked to meet him. I wondered if I would be able to stomach it? The thought of him both repulsed me and made me yearn for him at the same time. It was very confusing.

"Good. I know that it hurts. But to do that would just show him that he can walk all over you, and there would be no consequences. He would forever have the power. And believe me, men have enough power in this world already. No sense giving them any more."

I nodded at her statement of fact, taking a sip and finishing my drink. The moment my glass was empty, Liana waved back to the waiter to bring us another bottle. I was glad that she did. I was in the mood to drown myself, but I didn't want to look like I was. That would again just be giving him the power.

"So, what now," Liana asked as the waiter filled up our glasses.

"What do you mean?"

"Well let's just assume that Doctor Scumbag is out of the picture. What are you going to do with yourself now?"

"I don't know. The same thing I was before."

"Which was?"

It was a good question and one that I hadn't thought of yet, heck I hadn't had the time. But Liana was right to bring it up, and I was glad that she had. I still had a few months left on my lease and had no intention of renewing it when it ran out. Regardless of the way I used to live my life before the accident, I was determined to not fall back into that way of living. My life had changed since the crash, for the better in some cases. Even with Liam as a safety net, I was going to change the way I had been living.

"I'm going to write," I said finally. My voice was shaky and even I didn't believe it at first. "Yeah, I'm going to write and get out of the stink hole that is my life." That second time was a little stronger, and I could feel the fire burning inside of me as I said it.

"That's great! Hey, maybe you could use this whole thing as inspiration?" Liana clapped her hands excitedly. "You have to admit, it's pretty interesting. How many people have you ever met that have gone through the same thing?"

"Yeah," I said, thinking on Liana's suggestion. The thought hadn't even occurred to me, but now that Liana had suggested it, I couldn't get it out of my head. "Yeah, maybe I will. It is a pretty interesting story."

"Cheers to that," Liana exclaimed, holding her glass out in front of her.

Smiling, I clinked my glass on hers. Despite everything that had happened, I was determined to turn my life around for the better. Unfortunately, Liam and I were over. There was no way I could go back to him, not after what he had done. But there had to be a silver lining. There always was. I was going to find that silver lining and use it. My life was going to change.