Chapter 18

Eric

 

So this was it. Two weeks after the cruise had docked, we were on our way to goodbye. Again. Except there was no turning back this time. I had to get back to work. He had to get back to job hunting. There was no extending this vacation and grabbing two more weeks together.

We had lives waiting for us on the other side of the ocean, and we couldn’t keep them waiting any longer.

Neither of us spoke on the cab ride. When I wasn’t staring out the window, I stole glances at him, and he was watching the scenery go by.

Yep, this was it. All roads had led us to Rome. So… now what?

I’m not ready to go home, damn it.

It wasn’t just the Colosseum and Pompeii and Trevi Fountain that would be imprinted on my memory until the end of time. It was laughing over the absurdity of coming to Rome and ordering barbecue chicken nachos. It was using a rainy day as an excuse to lie in bed and explore each other. It was sitting in a sweltering lavanderia and riding a train through the countryside and seeing an Italian sunset in Andrew’s eyes and wondering how the hell I was supposed to go back to my old life now.

It was wanting a night to myself on the cruise ship, stumbling across the tiny plush monkey Andrew had hidden for me to find, and realizing I was an idiot for wanting to spend even one night away from him. It was playful selfies at the Alhambra, Circus Maximus, and the Vatican, and holding hands and even stealing a kiss whenever we could get away with it.

It was realizing right now, in the backseat of the taxi, that I hadn’t wanted to spend any time away from him then, and I didn’t want to spend any time away from him now.

All too soon, though, time had run out, and before I knew it, we were arriving at the airport. My throat ached as the cab pulled up in front of the departure drop-off. The rattle of suitcase wheels on concrete made my stomach sick. We were doing this. We were leaving. This was it. It was over.

Fortunately—maybe?—we’d overestimated how long it would take to get to the airport, so it was too early to check in for our flights. That bought us a little time, and there was a mezzanine above the departures with some shops and restaurants where we could sit for a while. We took the escalator up, commandeered a table, and I stayed with our luggage while Andrew went to get food. When he came back, it was my turn.

And the silence lingered. As we ate, we exchanged sad smiles now and then, but neither of us said much. Nothing weightier than commenting on the time or the food.

This wasn’t like us. The only time we weren’t talking was when we were having sex. Now, body aching from going three rounds with him last night, I didn’t know what to say. For the first time since we’d met, I was at a loss for how to make conversation with him. Probably because there were a lot of things that threatened to come pouring out if I started speaking, and I wasn’t sure this was the time or the place. I wasn’t sure I wanted to say any of it out loud at all. I knew how he felt about me, but what happened if I tipped my hand too?

I was quickly running out of opportunities to do this in person. It was time to check in, so we lugged everything back downstairs and hunted down our airlines. We were flying out on different airlines, but they were right next to each other, so we weren’t far apart while we went through the check-in lines. The lines moved fast, though, and before I knew it, we’d both dropped off our luggage and had boarding passes in hand. Security wasn’t crowded either, and all too soon, we were past the checkpoint and standing at the sign that indicated the thing I didn’t want to acknowledge—that my gate was to the left and his was to the right.

We were at the fork in the road now. It was time to go. No more delaying the inevitable. No more time to think about whether I should tell him how I felt or wait until we’d settled back in on the other side. Because that was really all it was, wasn’t it? Do I tell him, or don’t I? Because how I felt wasn’t even a question anymore. Of course I loved him. Even if I hadn’t been able to tell him so after he’d so easily told me he loved me, I definitely felt it. In fact, as strong as my feelings were for him, I might as well have been in love with him from day one. I couldn’t remember not feeling this way for him.

But we’re both going home. What do we do now that all this is over?

I wasn’t sure I had the answer to that. And maybe I didn’t need to know the answer right now. We could still stay in contact once we were home. We could see each other again. Nothing definitive had to happen right this second.

Did it?

“Well.” Andrew cleared his throat and drummed his nails on the upraised handle of his carry-on. “I guess we should…” He motioned in the direction of his gate.

“Yeah. We should.” I met his gaze and pulled him into a hug. “Stay in touch, okay?”

He held me tight, burying his face against my neck, and murmured, “You know I will.”

We stayed like that for a moment, and when we drew back, his eyes were dry, but something in his expression told me they wouldn’t stay that way for long. I probably wasn’t much better off, judging by that faint sting.

“I’m, um…” He coughed again and gestured at the sign. “Looks like a bit of a hike, and my flight boards soon. So, I’d better go.”

“Yeah. Good idea. Don’t be late.”

I hugged him again.

We let each other go again.

We locked eyes again.

A faint smile flickered across his lips, and without another word, he turned to go.

Heart in my throat, I watched him head for his gate.

When we’d left the ship in Civitavecchia a lifetime ago, I’d walked away from Andrew and prayed with every step that he’d change his mind and come with me. And then he had.

Now he was the one walking away from me.

Was he hoping I’d stop him?

Was I going to stop him?

“I love you, Eric.”

Christ, why the fuck was I letting him go?

“Andrew.”

He turned around, eyebrows up. “Hmm?”

“I…” My heart was going wild now. My stomach somersaulted as I jogged after him, my carry-on suitcase rattling at my heels, and the words came tumbling out: “I want to see you again after this.”

He smiled that adorable shy smile. “Of course. We’ll—”

“No, I don’t mean in some undefined future.” I forced myself to look right in his beautiful eyes. “Come to Seattle.”

His eyes widened. “When?”

“As soon as you can.” I took his hand. “I… You’re not even gone yet and I already miss you.”

Andrew’s lips parted. “I, um.” He swallowed. “I still have to find a job.”

Our eyes locked, and I swore I could feel my heart pounding out the same words I saw in his expression: There are jobs in Seattle.

Any other time, I might’ve thought it was too soon to start throwing suggestions like that around, but damn it, it was almost too late. Nothing we’d done so far had been by the book, so why start now?

I moistened my lips. “Look, you’re trying to find a job and a new start. Why don’t you come stay with me for a little while and see if there’s anything for you in Seattle?”

His eyes widened. “Like move in together?”

“Not permanently. Just a temporary thing while you figure out your next move and we figure out if this is something we can keep doing. If you land a job and move to town, I’ll help you find a more permanent place.” I chewed my lip. “Or you can get a hotel if you’re not comfortable, but I mean, we’ve practically been living together for the last month. It isn’t like we don’t get along, you know?”

“True,” he said quietly. “There’s nothing holding me in Iowa. And to be honest, there is definitely something pulling me toward Seattle.”

A giddy thrill surged through me, and I couldn’t help grinning. “Just let me know when you’re coming to town. I mean it—you’re welcome to stay with me.”

“Are you sure?” He studied me, a hint of skepticism in his eyes. “I mean, do you really… Is this really what you…” He pressed his lips together and huffed a frustrated breath out his nose, as if he couldn’t quite articulate his thoughts.

“Yeah, I’m sure,” I said. “And I should have said this last night. I guess you just caught me by surprise down by the fountain, but…” I took a deep breath. “I love you, Andrew.”

His eyes widened.

“I mean it,” I went on. “This all scares the hell out of me, and maybe it’s too fast and too soon, and…” I waved a hand. “It’s terrifying, but it’s real. I don’t want it to be over. And I mean it—I love you.”

Andrew held my gaze for a few seconds, eyes round with palpable disbelief. Then he came closer and put his hands on my waist. “I love you too.” He kissed me softly despite being out in the open. “This scares me too, but I don’t want it to be over either. If there’s a way we can do this, I want to find it.”

“Me too.” Those tears that had been pricking at my eyes were threatening to fall now, but I forced them back. “I don’t know why I waited until the last second for this, but I—”

He kissed me softly, then smiled at me. “Doesn’t matter. I want to do this too.” He paused, inhaling slowly. “I have no idea what I’ll do for work or anything. It’s a risk, and it scares me, but honestly, every time I look at you, the risk seems worth taking.” He touched my face as if he didn’t know—let alone care—that we were out in public. “It’s a bigger risk than taking two extra weeks to be in Rome. This is a bigger leap. But it still doesn’t seem as big as letting you go.”

“Yes. Exactly.” Do you have any idea how close I came to letting you go? “We’ll figure things out.” I nodded past him, toward his gate. “Get home. Get settled back in.” I squeezed his hand. “We’ll work everything out from there.”

Andrew’s smile made my heart go wild. He caressed my cheek and whispered, “I love you. I’ll see you soon.”

“I love you too.” I pressed a tender kiss to his lips. “And I can’t wait.”

“Neither can I. Travel safe, okay?”

“I will. You too.”

After one more long hug and a quick kiss, we separated, whispered goodbyes, and headed in opposite directions. I made it a few steps before I stopped and turned around. Though it was hard, watching him following the crowd toward his flight, I felt better. In fact, I felt pretty fucking good.

I was still sad to see him go. I already missed him so bad it hurt even though he wasn’t out of sight yet.

But we’d see each other soon. We’d have more time to see where this thing could go.

And right now, that was all I needed.