Chapter 10
Hernán woke from a nightmare, sweating and tangled in soft sheets. Blood pounding in his ears, he looked around the dark room frantically, trying to remember where he was. Then he connected the soft pillow beneath him with the day before.
Colin’s apartment.
He lay awake for a time, thinking about his dream. In it, Albert had been crying, and Andrea asked, “Why did you let them do that to us?” As he stared at the ceiling, tears leaked down the sides of his face. The creaks inside the apartment and the occasional street noise from outside were unnerving. He couldn’t help but listen for the scrape of a foot along the hall carpet, a sign that Colin had come for him after all.
Eventually, exhaustion won out and Hernán slipped back into fitful sleep.
He woke again on the second night, still straining in the darkness to hear a footfall. As unjust as that fear seemed in the daylight, he couldn’t keep from tensing in his borrowed bed at every strange sound.
By the third night, though, his unconscious began to accept what his conscious mind had decided when he agreed to come to Washington with Colin. He slept that night through, and the next.
Colin and Hernán worked out their roommate arrangements within the next few days. Gradually, Hernán relaxed and felt more natural in the apartment. Colin showed him a gym in the basement, where Hernán hit the weights and ran on the treadmill daily. The equipment wasn’t as extensive as at the P-town gym where he worked out his frustrations all summer, but it gave him a good workout.
He wished Rudy could see where he’d landed. He’d send pictures but his phone was so cheap it didn’t have a camera. Anyway, Rudy had lived with Gerald in some big houses. He wouldn’t be as impressed by Colin’s apartment as Hernán was.
A few days after Hernán arrived in DC, over dinner Colin showed him some materials to help him prepare for the immigration process.
“I’m checking with my resources to get a good lawyer, but there are a lot of steps you can get started now,” Colin said. He gave Hernán samples of some personal statements that had been filed in support of asylum applications, with names blacked out for privacy.
“See, these will give you an idea of the level of detail you need to provide. You’ve been reluctant to talk, but I think you need to get an idea of how much you’re going to have to disclose eventually. Maybe you could start roughing out notes for when we get you in front of a lawyer.”
Hernán nodded nervously. “That’s fine.” He looked over the array of personal statements with growing trepidation. “These seem really, uh, thorough. I guess I didn’t understand how much I’m going to have to say.”
Colin gave him a sympathetic look. “I’m sure it seems intrusive. And it is. But the immigration officers are just people. They need to hear a good story so they get on your side and want you to be able to stay. And frankly some of them are bigoted jerks. I know one man who got all these rude questions about what bars he went to, how many men he’d had sex with and things like that, because the asylum officer didn’t believe he was really gay. That’s why it’s better to disclose too much upfront, so those kinds of questions don’t even arise in the interview.”
Hernán set aside the materials to study further. “Thanks, Colin. I think I get it. I’ll start working on this.”
Between forkfuls of dinner, Colin said, “We also need to get you a physical because one of the forms that you have to file is a medical examination and vaccination record. If it’s okay, I’ll make an appointment for you to go see my regular doctor.” Hernán nodded his acceptance.
He called Rudy the next day to report how things were going.
“Was Claude mad when I quit that way?” he asked.
“Of course. You know what a big drama queen he can be, but what could he do?” Rudy giggled. “Gerald came by again yesterday and he was furious when he found out you’d gone. He didn’t believe me but Claude started bitching up a storm about it too.”
“Did he make trouble for you?”
Rudy paused for a moment, but then said, “No. At least, as far as I know he didn’t say anything to Claude. He’s an asshole and a user but I don’t think he wants to hurt me. Not really.”
“Rudy, he threw you out.”
“I know. I’m not defending him. I just mean that I don’t think he’ll try to get me fired. Anyway, tell me how it’s going with Colin.”
“What do you mean? I told you, he’s being really nice.”
“He was obviously smitten with you or I would have gone after that tall, thin mister man. Has he made a move?”
“You know I don’t do that. No, he hasn’t made a move.”
Hernán didn’t mention the hugs, which had been repeated each night at bedtime. In some ways, it was the best part of his day and he found himself looking forward to bedtime just so he could feel arms around him. He hadn’t realized how starved for touch he was until Colin gave it to him unconditionally. Part of him wanted to talk to Rudy about it, but the more sensible part knew his cousin would make him crazy if he tried.
“I know, Nán. I just thought maybe if you were together for a while you might start to feel more safe.”
“I, uh, I do feel safe. With him, I mean.” Hernán felt his cheeks heating even though he was alone in the apartment and no one could see him. “He’s this nice guy who has everything but he doesn’t really know how lucky he is. That’s good though. I mean, he doesn’t show off or try to impress me. He’s just a happy, bright man who wants to do good things for people.”
“Oh Nán,” Rudy sighed heavily. “You’ve got it bad.”
Hernán snorted. “Don’t be silly. We’re friends. That’s it.”
“For now.”
Hernán thought about what Rudy had said all afternoon. He didn’t know exactly what drove Colin to give so much to him with no expectation that his generosity would be returned. He was different from the other men Hernán had known. Innocent maybe, but not entirely naïve. And those blue eyes… Hernán shivered.
Something Hernán had noticed was that Colin didn’t know how strong he was. For whatever reason, he perceived himself as weak, not at all the warrior Hernán glimpsed from time to time. He needed to do something nice for Colin, to show his gratitude. That evening, instead of just chopping vegetables for Colin to cook, he went further and prepared one of the dishes he used to make for his uncle when he visited, pollo encebollado.
When Colin entered the apartment that evening, he sniffed loudly. “What’s cooking? It smells great.”
Hernán called from upstairs where he was folding laundry. “It’s a dish from my country. Chicken and onions, basically. It’ll be ready in about twenty minutes.”
“Perfect. Would you like a drink before dinner?” Colin called back. Hernán grunted acceptance. When he came downstairs a few minutes later Colin had mixed them each a vodka tonic.
“The weather’s really nice for late September,” Colin said. “Let’s sit on the balcony and enjoy it.”
Hernán followed him out and they sat side by side in armchairs that faced west. The sun was low though it was not yet full sunset. Thin white clouds streaked the sky, which began to take on a pink tinge.
Colin’s apartment looked out on the Reagan International Airport flight path for planes landing or taking off, depending on the winds. That night the jets crossed from right to left across their view as they descended toward the airport.
Hernán sipped his drink. “Did you pick this apartment because you could watch the planes?” he asked.
Colin grinned sheepishly. “That was a big draw, yes. I’ve thought sometimes about giving up the nonprofit work and becoming a commercial pilot for one of the airlines. Although I really love what I do.”
Hernán watched Colin’s face as he talked. The flash of his glasses as he craned his head excitedly to explain aviation, the color rising in his cheeks, produced a curious sensation in Hernán’s chest. It was like a tickle around his heart. He’d never felt that before and had no idea what it meant, but he kept asking Colin about planes until dinner was ready. Just so he could keep the glow in Colin’s eyes.
After dinner, Colin thanked Hernán for cooking but said he had to make a phone call. “We have this new lady from Martinique who was referred to us for help, but she can’t come to the office during the day. Plus she only speaks a little English. I offered to call but I’m not sure how my Spanish will get through to her French.”
“I speak French fluently,” Hernán said. “Can I help?”
Colin’s face lit up. “Really? I didn’t know that. Yes, please. I’ll put the call on speaker and maybe you can translate as needed.” They left the dinner dishes and moved into Colin’s home office, where Hernán pulled up a chair as Colin dialed. The woman who answered spoke with a heavy French accent.
“Is this Simone Barnet?” Colin asked. “I’m Colin Felton, from the Immigration Initiative. My colleague is going to translate as needed.”
Silence came back over the line, so Hernán repeated the introduction in French.
Immediately, the woman began to speak excitedly. With Hernán’s assistance, she explained she was in the country on a visa but her job was ending. She needed help to understand what options she might have or how to look for more work. Hernán conveyed some ideas from Colin to get her started, and set up an appointment for her to come to the Initiative on her day off for more direct guidance.
The call ended with profound expressions of thanks and relief from Simone.
When Colin disconnected, he grinned proudly at Hernán. “You’re full of surprises. Mad cooking skills, loves old movies, and now fluent in French. Any other ways to amaze me?”
Hernán blushed. “I also speak Nahuatl, if you ever need that one. I started Arabic, but I’m not fluent.”
“Nahuatl,” Colin said, inclining his head. “That’s used in Central America, right?”
Hernán nodded. “Yes. Well, Mexico and Central America. It evolved from the language originally spoken by the Aztecs. A number of indigenous cultures still use it exclusively among themselves, and only speak Spanish when they deal with outsiders.”
Colin’s grin only got wider. “So Spanish, English, French, Nahuatl and some Arabic. That’s amazing.”
“Languages always have come easy to me for some reason,” Hernán muttered.
“It’s a real gift. I do pretty well with Spanish because our cook taught me when I was little, but I don’t really have the knack for picking up other languages. I’m kind of jealous.”
Colin’s praise embarrassed him but, he had to admit, pleased him as well. “I’d like to meet the lady who taught you Spanish,” Hernán teased gently. “She let you get away with bad habits in your pronunciation. Anyway, let me know if I can be of any more help.”
As the days passed, to keep busy Hernán walked all over Washington, or used the gym in the basement of Colin’s building. Colin usually got home from his job around six, so Hernán made sure he had food ingredients prepared and ready for Colin to work his magic. The weather was turning colder as October loomed.
A little more than a week after Hernán arrived in Washington, he strolled the city as he imagined Provincetown. Would it look like the pictures he’d seen of New England in the fall?
Musing about it reminded him to check in with Rudy again. He decided he had time to catch his cousin before he headed to work, so he made a cup of tea and went out on the porch with his phone.
“Nán!” Rudy exclaimed. “You don’t call enough.”
Hernán chuckled. “Sorry, mom. I’ll do better.”
“I don’t mean it like that. I just miss you.”
“I miss you too, cousin. What’s happening in Provincetown? Are you staying busy?”
Rudy said something noncommittal and then launched into chatter about a man he’d met. “He came to town to act in one of the plays for the Tennessee Williams festival. We started talking when he came by Veranda after his performance. He was staying in some people’s house so we couldn’t go back there. I thought he seemed too classy to bring here. Guess what we did?”
“Please don’t say you went to the Dick Dock.” The area underneath the Boatslip Resort, at the edge of Provincetown Harbor, had a long history of attracting men for public, usually anonymous, sex.
“We did!” Rudy squealed. “It was cold down there but ooh he kept me warm. It was kind of romantic with the water and the moonlight, except for this other guy who was looking for company. He kept coming close and trying to join us, but August was a gentleman and he didn’t let the man touch.”
“Classy. And what kind of name is August?”
“He’s a drama teacher at a school somewhere. Vermont, I think. Anyway, he’s coming back to P-town next week to see me. I think this could really be it. Can’t you just picture me on a college campus?”
“Maybe.” Hernán shrugged even though Rudy couldn’t see him. He’d learned not to bother holding his cousin’s feet to the ground. “You changed the subject before, though. What’s going on at Veranda?”
Rudy sighed. “It’s the end of the season. Claude will shut Veranda down next week and I haven’t been able to line anything else up yet.”
“Didn’t Claude put in a good word for you?” The pause was pronounced, so he prompted, “Rudy?”
“I think Gerald got Claude to spread the word I’m not reliable.”
“That’s bullshit!” Hernán exploded. “You never missed a day of work.”
“There aren’t that many jobs anyway. Most restaurants close for the season. Unless August sweeps me off to Vermont, I’ve been thinking it’s time to go back to Boston and see what I can find there for the winter.”
Hernán wished he had money to help Rudy out, but the small cash reserve he’d built up over the summer was going quickly to cover the groceries he and Colin ate. Colin resisted taking anything in payment but Hernán needed to believe he wasn’t wholly dependent on Colin’s generosity. He didn’t know what he’d do when the last of his money ran out, and he didn’t know how Rudy was going to make it without Hernán to split the bills.
The situation made him realize all over again what a vulnerable position he’d allowed himself to fall into. And how selfish he’d been. Rudy had given up his Rolex watch to get Hernán away from Lonnie, and his job situation was precarious because he tried to cover Hernán’s immigration status. Yet Hernán let Colin whisk him away to Washington and left Rudy to fend for himself.
“I can hear you beating yourself up, Nán,” Rudy said in his ear. “Don’t. I’ve got rent covered through November and that leaves me time to take the ferry to Boston a few times and look for a job. I’ll be fine.”
“I wish there was some way I could help you.” He heard the desperate edge to his own voice.
“You’re helping me by getting permission to stay here legally. That way I won’t have to worry about you. How are things going with that mister man?”
“Um, it’s good,” Hernán temporized. “Colin’s doing a lot for me.”
“I had a good feeling about him, but you stay smart. Don’t get mixed up about why you’re there. Hey, I need to get to Veranda while I still have a job. Love you, primo!”
“I love you too, Rudy. Call me soon and let me know what happens in Boston.”
After the call, Hernán stayed out on the porch and watched planes in their landing pattern. The irony of Rudy warning him to be careful would have made him laugh if he weren’t afraid that Rudy was right. He was foolish to become so dependent on a man, even one as kind as Colin.
As he fretted, the housecleaning service team arrived and began to clean inside. It shamed him to sit on his ass while they worked. The first time they’d come after Hernán’s arrival, he’d tried to help but the man in charge of the team chattered at him to stay away and let them do their job.
What does he think I’m doing here? Does he think that Colin and I… That we…? Shit, he couldn’t even say it to himself. He looked down into the depths of his cup and slowly enunciated the thought: Does he think that we have sex together?
The idea was terrifying and yet…maybe less overwhelming than it had been. Colin’s respectful distance meant so much to Hernán. His initial fears that Colin would be like everyone else who looked at him that way eased day by day. They would say good night, hug tightly for a long moment, and then Colin would head down the hallway to his bedroom.
His own terrors and inexperience kept him from seeking more than their daily hug, but Hernán’s body was hungry. Rudy had sometimes brought men back to their apartment in Boston, and then in Provincetown. From Hernán’s narrow bed, he’d peer into the darkness, watching Rudy and his companion. He’d hear the slide of skin on skin, or the wet suckling as Rudy took a man into his mouth. With a hand on his own hard cock, he’d inhale sharply when he heard Rudy’s slight gasp and the bedsprings began to squeak.
He burned to experience for himself so many things Rudy did, or told him about. Was Colin the one with whom Hernán could finally move beyond his fear?
Maybe.
But after his call with Rudy, and the judgmental looks he imagined from the cleaners, and his awareness of dwindling funds, he found his leg moving jerkily up and down on the porch. Desire was one thing. He couldn’t allow himself to depend so much on Colin that he became trapped again.
He kept thinking about it even as he went inside and turned to his immigration papers. The forms reminded him yet again how precarious his place in the United States was, and how few options were open to him. He understood Colin’s worries about him seeking work under the table, and he didn’t want to believe it had anything to do with keeping Hernán vulnerable and penniless.
Yet that was the end result, wasn’t it? If he couldn’t work, he’d have to rely on Colin for not only his shelter but his food, his clothes, every necessity. His gut clenched and rebelled at the thought.
That was probably why, when Colin walked through the door that evening, the first thing Hernán blurted was, “I need to get a job.”
Colin blinked at him and slowly set his satchel on the floor. After a moment, he asked, “Can we talk about it, or are you telling me what’s going to happen?”
Hernán flushed. “I didn’t mean it to sound like that. I just, uh…¡mierda!” He stood from the dining room table where he’d been drafting out a letter to the hospital in San Marcos to obtain his medical records. “Let me try that again. Colin, I really think I need to get some work and I’d like to talk with you about it.”
Colin smiled. “Sure. How about you give me a few minutes to change my clothes and then we’ll sit down and discuss it?”
Hernán nodded. “Would you like some tea? I can make it while you change.”
“Perfect. Be right back.”
Hernán fixed mugs of herbal tea and carried them out to the balcony. The late September evening was brisk but not really cold. Sunset over Washington painted high clouds in orange and purple, while the contrail of a jet traced a white line toward the riot of color.
Hernán breathed deeply, trying to let the wonder of that sky lift him away from his nerves. He was so small in the scheme of things. His troubles seemed enormous, but every person he could see on the sidewalk below probably carried burdens that felt just as heavy.
He had a tremendous advantage over those men and women, though. He had Colin, offering him a helping hand, if only Hernán could accept that help.
The sliding door opened and closed again, and Colin sank into the chair next to him. He picked up his mug and tipped the edge of it against Hernán’s before inhaling deeply. “Jasmine. Very nice.” They watched a plane grow larger as it cut across their view on a descent to the Washington airport. Hernán breathed easier, with Colin there next to him.
After a few minutes of quiet companionship, Colin spoke. “I haven’t taken my plane up since we came home and I’m getting itchy. Do you think you might like to fly with me this weekend?”
“Sure. Flying was pretty amazing. Where do you like to go?”
“Well…” Colin trailed off and stared into his tea. “I haven’t been to see my folks in a while. Maybe we could go up to New Jersey, spend the night and come back on Sunday.” He looked earnestly at Hernán, a hopeful expression visible in his eyes even through the glasses.
Hernán still knew little of Colin’s family except that they were rich. What would they think if Colin showed up with a strange man? His clothes were shabby and he needed a haircut. He felt his cheeks color at the thought of meeting Colin’s parents in his needy state.
“We can do something else if you want,” Colin said quickly. “Maybe fly over the Shenandoah to see the foliage changing colors. Anyway, I derailed us. There’s something you want to talk about.”
Hernán nodded. “I’m, uh… This is difficult.” He leaned forward in his chair and set his mug on a small wooden cocktail table between them. “I’m almost out of funds, Colin. You’re generous with letting me stay here and everything. I can take it from you if I’m able to give something back, but that’s about to end. I’d really like to get a job so I can pay my share.”
Colin focused on his mug and took a sip. Carefully, he said, “You know I don’t need the money—”
“You don’t need anything,” Hernán interrupted. “But I do. I need to do something so I’m not just letting you take care of me.”
Colin’s glasses flashed when he looked up quickly. “You’re wrong, Nán, when you say I don’t need anything.” Just what he needed remained unspoken. Colin flushed slightly and continued. “But you said ‘take care of you’. Is this about that Nimble guy in Provincetown?”
“No. Yes.” Hernán shook his head. “I don’t know. Right now everything is coming from you and it scares me.”
“I would never cut you off or throw you out.”
“I guess.” Hernán squirmed. “No, I trust you or I wouldn’t be here. But I have to be able to contribute something.”
They sat in silence for a few minutes. Colin’s voice sounded tight when he spoke again. “I’m worried if you get a job off the books. Like I said when we flew back to DC, if you’re caught it could be the end of your attempt to get documents. Tell me something. Is it really about earning money, or more that you don’t feel useful?”
Hernán had to think about that one. Realistically, he knew what he’d been putting toward groceries was a drop in the bucket compared to everything Colin did for him. So what was it that really mattered?
Standing on my own feet. Feeling like I’m someone Colin wouldn’t be ashamed to be seen with in public, or introduce to his family.
Hernán scratched above his eyebrow. Sheepishly, he admitted, “I guess it isn’t the money as much as wanting to be proud of myself.”
“I get that. I don’t have to work but I do, if you know what I mean. If you’d take it, I’d just give you—Hey!” Colin’s head snapped up. “Here’s an idea. We always need translators and tutors at the immigration center. Spanish speakers from all over need help acclimating. French, too. Courses in English as a second language are in big demand, but we don’t have enough teachers. We try to help non-English speakers with other things, like how to open a bank account or apply for a job. Some people need a translator so they can talk with a lawyer.
“So hear me out. I make a, uh, sizable contribution every year to the Initiative, anonymously. I also give for special projects or activities when I see the need. In fact, I’ve been doing some research lately into what it would cost to hire a dedicated English teacher. In DC, a tutor can typically command around thirty dollars an hour. At thirty hours a week, then, that’s a little over a thousand. A DC pubic school teacher is going to earn on average around sixty thousand a year, not including benefits.”
Colin leaned toward Hernán. “Your language skills would be really valuable to the center. It can’t pay you, though, since you don’t have an Employment Authorization Document. But let’s say I give you the amount of money that I otherwise planned to donate to pay an English teacher full time. In exchange, you volunteer at the center as an ESL tutor and translator for thirty hours a week.”
Hernán frowned. “Is that legal? I can’t get you sucked into my trouble.”
“It’s fine. In a few states that really fight to limit immigration, they might say I’m harboring a fugitive.” Colin snorted and shook his head disgustedly. “But in most places, including here, this would just be considered a gift. My accountant will figure out how to report it.”
“When, uh, when would this begin?” Hernán asked cautiously.
“I feel like we should get further in your immigration process so the work doesn’t distract you. That’s still the most important thing, right? We’ll have you start when we’re sure working at the center won’t interfere. To tide you over, I’d like to give you an advance of, oh, two thousand dollars, and then a thousand a week.”
Hernán sputtered. “That’s too much!” he protested. “Two or three hundred is more than enough for me.”
“Seven-fifty a week, fifteen hundred upfront, and that’s my final offer,” Colin said with a grin, “And this is the strangest negotiation I’ve ever had.”
Sipping his tea to buy time, Hernán thought about what Colin offered. It was more than generous. It went beyond kind. Colin understood what was really bothering Hernán and offered a solution to let him keep his pride. The salary fiction was a fig leaf for Colin putting money in his pocket, but Hernán was prepared to work very hard at the center in return.
The idea of teaching English to others began to excite him. He’d dreamt of becoming a teacher, back when his world seemed bounded by San Marcos. With the role Colin offered, he could do something meaningful for others and find out if he was any good as an educator, all while bringing in money that he could share with Rudy as well.
Hernán’s heart thumped and his eyes burned as he nodded his acceptance.
Over dinner later that evening, Colin said, “So speaking of your immigration process, I talked to David James today. That’s Brandon’s boyfriend. I mean husband.” He squinted at the ceiling for a moment. “Huh. Still not used to that.”
At his pause, the warmth in Hernán’s chest ran cold. Recalling Colin’s past with Brandon, he berated himself for selfishness. Colin clearly wasn’t entirely over it and, given the quick look he’d had of Brandon back at Veranda that one time, he could understand. Brandon was vibrant and handsome. No wonder Colin still had feelings for him.
He gave his friend what he hoped was a sympathetic look, even as he ignored a sharp pang in his gut.
Colin shook his head clear and continued. “Anyway, David called me from Paris. He’s set us up to meet with a colleague of his tomorrow so we can start developing a plan to get you a work permit or other permission to stay. When David returns from the honeymoon, he’ll be more involved personally.”
“That’s great,” Hernán said, unconvincingly. He tried to be more enthusiastic when he added, “I was wondering when I’d have to start telling my story.”
Staring at the ice cubes melting in his glass of water, Colin quietly asked, “You know you’re going to have to be really honest with the lawyers, right?”
Hernán’s guard immediately went up. “What do you mean? I’ve always told you the truth.”
“I know that,” Colin protested quickly. “I wasn’t implying anything. What I mean is, you’re going to have to tell them everything if they’re going to be able to help you. Including the things you don’t want to talk to me about.”
Hernán’s heart began to race. He’d known that was coming, but not that it would be tomorrow. Exposure. And in front of strangers. He muttered something about seconds and hurried to the kitchen with their plates. Retrieving a platter from the warming oven, he fought to control the quivering in his stomach. I have to talk about Lonnie.
“Breathe,” Colin said behind him, and only then did Hernán realize he’d been holding his breath. When he tried to serve a piece of chicken, his hand trembled so badly he couldn’t hold the tongs. Instead, he rested his palms on the kitchen counter.
Colin’s brow furrowed deeply. “I know this will be very difficult. Can you do it, or do you need more time to prepare?”
Hernán’s head shot up. Could I put it off? Another week—surely I’d be ready then. He’d work up to it, maybe try revealing little pieces to Colin. To practice.
No. Every day he delayed meant more time that he was sponging. Every day meant he was risking Colin’s happiness. Sooner or later, the darkness that followed Hernán would begin to seep into Colin too.
He cleared his throat and said roughly, “I’m ready.” He carried the refilled plates back to the dining table.
Colin beamed as he sat down again. “That’s great. I know you can do it. What do you think, though? Would you want me to be there when you talk to the lawyers, or should I keep out of the way?”
“Please be there,” Hernán said immediately, almost gasping. Then he regretted his neediness. He stuttered. “If…if you want to be there. I mean, it’s rough to hear. I’m, uh, I’m afraid…” He stopped talking and almost ran from the table again, but Colin’s steady gaze held him in place. Colin had given so much that the least he could do was be honest about his craziness.
His eyes blurred and he looked down at his food. “I’m afraid you’ll think less of me when you know.”
A soft noise of protest brought his gaze back to Colin. “Never, Hernán. I think you’re brave, coming to the States. People I’ve worked with at the center have sometimes told me their stories. Horrific accounts of why they left their home countries and what happened to them on the journey. I can imagine how hard that crossing would be.”
Hernán bristled. “Can you? What exactly is it in your life that lets you imagine the choice between staying where you are and being murdered, or coming to a country where you’ll be a criminal? When has your family had to scrape together every penny it had to pay smugglers to take you on a journey so terrible that you sometimes wished you could just die?”
His voice had grown strident, and Colin blinked at him nervously. He held up a palm. “Point taken. I didn’t mean to be patronizing. And you’re right. I can’t really imagine what you’ve been through. But I’m here to learn, if you’ll teach me. Besides, you put your trust in me and came to Washington. That took courage. There’s nothing you could tell me that would make me think less of you.”
He sounded so certain that Hernán let himself believe it might be true. Sincerity shone in Colin’s blue eyes, and Hernán drew strength from it. His heart still thumped painfully, but it grew less erratic. And gradually, he realized, he was less afraid.
Then why was his face still warm? Why did the blood rush in his ears? His stomach was in knots too, and his hands shook slightly. But…he almost liked it.
Hernán slid back, stood, and came around the table to crouch before Colin, who turned in his chair. Hernán looked up at his blue eyes. He gently pulled Colin’s glasses off, a slight quiver in his hands making the frames rattle as he set them on the table. Colin hardly breathed as Hernán studied him.
So handsome. Can I do this? A lock of Colin’s brown hair fell forward and Hernán automatically stretched to brush it back. The soft feel of it under his fingers seemed to quiet his tremors. He rose to his feet and grasped Colin’s hands to tug him up too. They stood so close together Hernán could see Colin’s pupils dilate.
Want and need called on him to move the final two inches keeping them apart. Colin’s tongue darted over his own lower lip and Hernán had to know what that lip tasted like. He put his hands to either side of Colin’s face and pulled him down to join their mouths in a kiss.
The pressure was feather-light at first, but Colin’s lips felt warm and soft. Their velvet touch was something Hernán had never before known but didn’t think he could continue to live without. He drew Colin to him more forcefully, slanting his head instinctively to deepen the kiss, tangling his fingers in Colin’s soft hair as their lips slid together. At the brush of Colin’s tongue against his mouth, he opened for it. The sensation of a tongue meeting his own electrified him. Colin tasted of the jasmine tea he’d been drinking earlier, and the food Hernán had prepared for him. A fire began to burn in his belly at the overwhelming intimacy, and he wanted more.
A moan reached Hernán’s ears but Colin kept his arms loose at his side. Hernán released Colin’s hair so he could tug Colin’s arms around him, showing him that he need not fear. And there it was—the safety and security of Colin hugging him tightly, making him feel protected. Desired.
Loved? he wondered.
No, of course not. Colin was still in love with Brandon. But he liked Hernán enough to share his home. That was enough. Colin held him carefully as if afraid Hernán would bolt at any moment until Hernán too wrapped his arms around Colin’s back and pulled him in hard. Their tongues danced, not thrusting but simply caressing.
Kissing was far, far better than Hernán had ever had reason to suspect, but eventually it had to end. He leaned back but made no move to break the hug. He kept his arms around Colin’s waist and asked uncertainly, “Was that okay?”
Colin sighed happily. “More than okay. That was maybe the best kiss of my life.”
Hernán grinned shyly. “Hey, not bad for my first time at bat.”
Colin’s eyes widened in surprise before he nodded his understanding. “I’m deeply honored, to be your first kiss.”
Hernán let his head fall onto Colin’s chest. He mumbled, “I want to do more but…”
Colin kissed the top of his head. “Shh. You don’t have to do anything you aren’t ready for. Just holding you is like a dream.”
“I think I’d like to try kissing again,” Hernán said with his red face buried in Colin’s shirt. He felt a rumble as Colin gave a small, happy laugh.
“I’d like that too. What would you think about laying with me on the sofa?” Hernán nodded so they left their dinner and moved to the living room.
Colin kicked off his shoes and stretched along the cushions of the sofa. Hernán removed his sneakers and lay down, snaking his arms under and over as Colin wrapped him up as well.
“Much better,” Colin said softly. “You feel really good.”
“I like it too,” Hernán answered before stretching his neck to find another kiss. The second time was even better. Hernán grew bolder with his tongue and Colin permitted him to explore his mouth, to run his tongue over Colin’s teeth and along his lips.
It went on and on until Colin shifted them into a different position. Suddenly Hernán could feel the erection pressing into his side.
His stomach hurt suddenly. Sweat dampened his pits.
Colin kissed him back and gently licked at Hernán’s lips. Hernán’s breath came faster and his hands trembled. The upholstery of Colin’s sofa grated against his skin.
He fought not to push away.
Colin broke the kiss and leaned back. He took one look at Hernán’s face and struggled up off the sofa. “Jesus, I’m sorry. I went too far, didn’t I? I didn’t mean to scare you.” His voice implored Hernán for forgiveness.
“No, it’s all right. Honestly. I just got a little… You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“Are you sure?”
Hernán stood to take Colin’s hands. “We’re good,” he said shakily. “But is it okay if we leave it there for now?”
Cleaning up after they finished their dinner, Hernán could tell Colin was still upset and worried about having crossed a line. He berated himself for making Colin unhappy. As he put away the last of their dishes, he asked, “Have you ever seen a juicy show called Club de Cuervos? Rudy and I watch sometimes. It’s campy and great. I think you’d like it.”
Colin bobbed his head eagerly, as if desperate to restore Hernán’s level of comfort. “You queue it up. I’ll get us some vanilla.”
Their ritual of TV and ice cream seemed to be what was needed. By the time Colin came in, Hernán had his feet up and grinned like a schoolboy at getting to share one of his favorite secret pleasures. Colin sat down at the other end of the sofa as usual. Hernán accepted his bowl, paused a moment, and then shifted down to sit right next to Colin.
He might not be Colin’s first choice, but he could give him companionship. Comfort. Remind him that he wasn’t alone.
Colin flashed a smile as he leaned slightly until their shoulders met. All that light Hernán craved was there again, pouring out of Colin’s eyes. He prayed he’d still see it once Colin knew everything. His cowardice. What he let happen to Albert and Andrea. What he allowed to happen to himself.
Tomorrow I have to tell it. All of it.
He shivered, and Colin said in an undertone, “It’ll be fine. I’ll be right there for you.”
Hernán put his head on Colin’s shoulder and sighed when an arm wrapped around him. They stayed that way through two episodes of Club de Cuervos.