Chapter 21
They didn’t have sex that night. When they climbed the steps to bed, though, Colin proffered his hand. Hernán took it to follow him to his room.
Colin stripped his clothes quickly and had a moment of indecision. Normally he slept in a shirt and loose pants, but he wanted to feel Hernán’s skin against his. Gambling that if he climbed into bed naked Hernán would do the same, he was relieved when Hernán dropped his clothes on a chair and joined Colin under the sheets, also nude.
They slid close together. When they were face to face, Colin gave the sweetest kiss he could manage. He tried to say everything in one simple, chaste brush of lips. Hernán smiled back at him and followed it with a “good night” before he rolled over to switch off his lamp and then shift to rest against Colin.
Colin put his glasses on the nightstand, turned off his lamp as well, and spooned himself along Hernán’s back. The warmth of the smooth body aligned with his own threatened to give him an erection, but the day’s tension, lack of sleep the night before, and cocktails with dinner put him under.
A shout dragged him abruptly awake. Hernán thrashed in the sheets and kicked out, getting Colin in the shin.
“Nán,” he said hoarsely and hesitated. Hernán moaned and twisted, shoving his hands forward while his head whipped side to side. Colin got himself out of striking range and stretched a long arm to shake Hernán’s shoulder. “Hernán. Wake up,” he said more loudly.
Hernán threw himself to a sitting position, panting. His eyes glistened in the near-darkness as he swiveled his head back and forth.
“It’s okay. You’re safe,” Colin said. Hernán turned to him, blinking, mouth open. “You’re safe,” he said again.
Hernán sighed heavily and sank back down against his pillow. “I woke you up,” he said with gravel in his throat. “I’m sorry. Did I hit you?”
“It’s fine. Do you want to talk about it?”
Hernán shook his head, glancing at Colin. “I really don’t know what it was about. Lonnie, the house…” He huffed in frustration. “I used to get these nightmares when I first lived with Rudy, but they faded away. Maybe it’s talking about him again that stirred the bad dreams. It doesn’t matter.”
“It does matter.” Colin hesitated. He wanted to ask again about seeing a therapist, but Hernán had resisted from the first time Colin mentioned it. The middle of the night, on top of Hernán’s bad news, wasn’t the right time to push it. But Hernán needed to talk to someone. He resolved to find a way to bring it up in daylight hours.
Hernán’s eyes were wide, picking up the little light in the room so they glinted as he lay on his back. After a moment, he began to roll out of the bed as he said, “I should go to my room so you can get some sleep.”
Colin reached for his arm and tugged him back down. “Please stay. For me.”
Hernán hesitated, nodded and settled down on his side. Colin rolled to face the same direction and fit his back against Hernán’s front. He all but held his breath until Hernán entwined his arm with Colin’s and kissed the back of his head.
Soon he heard Hernán’s breathing slow and even out, and the arm holding him slackened as he drifted off.
Sleep was harder for Colin to find. He was trying to be everything Hernán needed, and that seemed to work for their living situation and for the immigration process. With the latest blow, though, he couldn’t help wondering if he were strong enough. His mother no doubt would say he’d done his best and he should let go before he got hurt.
But Colin wouldn’t give up on Hernán.
He tested his feelings, examining a parade of thoughts to see what reaction they provoked, looking for the weak spot he knew had to be there.
I’ve had sex with someone who’s HIV-positive.
No, no tremor of fear there. He meant what he said to Hernán, that he was confident about how safe they’d been. Colin and everyone he knew had grown up with condoms and safe sex talks. Nothing he and Hernán had done was risky.
We’ll have to be careful as long as this relationship lasts.
A niggle of concern arose from that thought. He’d heard of PrEP but didn’t know much about the drug protocol, its side effects, long term consequences or any of that. Some disappointment appeared to weigh on his mind as well. Colin had long fantasized about barebacking but he’d never indulged that desire because he’d have to be in a relationship with someone he trusted enough to take such a step. Condomless sex was likely off the table forever with Hernán.
Although…what if Colin were the top? That shouldn’t be risky. He shook his head; with what Hernán had suffered, he’d probably never be comfortable letting Colin inside him. That was a selfish set of worries in any case. Hernán was dealing with much more immediate and visceral fears. That should be their priority, not expanding their sexual relationship.
What if he leaves me and goes back to El Salvador? Or is denied legal immigration?
Those questions brought a quiver of fear, tinged with sadness. Even though they said they loved each other, the truth was they hadn’t spent enough time together yet for Colin to trust love would be sufficient. So all he could do was hope they had long enough to forge the kind of bonds they would need to survive whatever was coming their way.
Hernán might get sick.
That thought produced an earthquake in his brain. Colin had never lost a close friend to AIDS but he had known a few people who died from it. In his charmed life it had been a vague issue of concern, but it hadn’t truly touched him. His knowledge of HIV and AIDS was passive, absorbed from random news stories and anecdotes on the internet. He was sure he’d been hearing that ever-evolving drug trials had reduced infection to a manageable condition, as he’d said to Hernán, but suddenly he realized how few facts he knew.
Did the antiretrovirals work for everyone? Did it matter how long someone had been infected before they started on a drug cocktail? Hernán would fight when Colin tried to pay. Were there programs or grants Hernán could rely on to supply the needed drugs, or at least let him feel that Colin wasn’t bearing the entire cost?
And suppose the drugs didn’t work. If Hernán got sick one day, was Colin strong enough to help him through it?
Stop, he ordered himself when his chest tightened. The common thread of everything I’m thinking is that I don’t have information. Until I get that, I’m only borrowing trouble.
Surprisingly, the moment of self-awareness calmed him quickly. Gathering information meant a project. Organization. He could break his questions down into categories, find resources—Chris McCracken or HIV support groups—to get them answered, and then make sure Hernán did what he needed to take care of himself.
No, what they needed to do to protect themselves. As long as Hernán would have him, Colin would try to be the warrior Hernán claimed he could see.
Hernán began sleeping in Colin’s bed every night. Colin respected his wishes not to have sex until they returned to Chris’ office to have a serious discussion about the parameters to keep Colin safe and uninfected.
Sunday, Colin left him alone for a few hours while he went to play basketball with some friends. He invited Hernán, but didn’t push when it was clear he needed some time alone. An hour later, though, Hernán caught himself looking out a window as despair inched its way up his spine.
He imagined he could feel something wrong in his blood. He started to envision the virus as a black speck, dividing and multiplying, polluting his blood, consuming his organs… Alarmed, he grabbed his shoes and went for a long run on the basement treadmill until the rhythm of his pounding feet drove the image out of his head.
After his run and a shower, Colin had not yet returned. When the bad thoughts tried to creep back into his head, Hernán immersed himself in studying the HIV materials Chris gave him, and then worked on his immigration papers. Both activities kept his brain busy enough to hold dread at bay.
Then Colin came home from his game, and he was no longer alone.
Climbing into bed again with Colin after talking and watching TV grew increasingly natural, except for Hernán’s guilt over sex. Colin woke every morning with an erection. The first two times, he rolled away and tried to hide it before heading for a long shower. Hernán stayed in bed, knowing Colin was probably masturbating alone out of respect for his fears.
On Monday morning, when Colin moved to carry his stiff cock and tight balls into the shower, Hernán decided to act.
“Wait,” he said, his hand on Colin’s arm and butterflies in his stomach. Colin settled back onto the bed, eyes intent and cheeks red as he kept a leg bent in order to hide his predicament. The tips of Hernán’s ears burned as well. “I hate when you leave me to jack off alone. Just because I’m not ready to, uh, fuck again yet doesn’t mean there isn’t stuff I’m comfortable with. Stuff we can do together.”
“Oh?” Colin blinked, and then licked his lips. “Like what?” he asked cautiously.
Hernán slid closer, threw back the sheets and blankets, and pressed down on Colin’s bent leg until it lay flat. In the morning light that filtered into the room, his lean, naked body shone. His beautiful prick reared up over his belly, pale with a rosy-purple head.
Colin’s tousled hair, sleepy eyes and self-conscious smile made Hernán’s heart trip and his semi-hard cock flex. He maneuvered their legs together and let his length fall against Colin’s hip as he wrapped his hand around Colin’s erection.
“Would it feel good if I stroked you?” Hernán asked, looking up from under his lashes. Colin bit his lip and nodded, eyes intent. Resting his head on Colin’s chest, Hernán began lazy movements up and down the silken skin of Colin’s dick. He teased it, the way he liked to do to his own, running just fingertips lightly up and down the hard length. Clear liquid appeared at the slit and he resisted the urge to taste it, safe though that would surely be. Instead, he rotated his palm in small circles on the head, smearing precome around and earning him a hiss.
“You’re wicked, Nán,” Colin said in a throaty voice.
Hernán brushed a kiss against Colin’s chest and took firm hold of his erection again. He moved more deliberately, squeezing slightly as he approached the head, relaxing his grip as he pulled the skin back toward the root. Colin was circumcised, which fascinated him. He wanted to press his tongue flat against the pretty, unsheathed head and swab it until Colin came in his mouth.
No. Not until we clear it with Chris.
The second-best option was to make Colin feel so good with his hands that he forgot how little Hernán was able to give. He rearranged their bodies until he sat on his heels between Colin’s thighs. With his left hand he kept stroking Colin’s hard cock. With his right, he fondled Colin’s balls and ran the pads of two fingers over the skin below, before dipping down to circle against his hole.
Colin sighed contentedly and spread his legs, inviting Hernán to drive him higher. Hernán resisted the urge to breach Colin with his fingers but he was pleased with the noises he drew out. The prick in his hand turned a deeper shade of purple as he stroked it and brought Colin closer and closer. The temptation to put it in his mouth became almost irresistible.
Colin panted and rocked his hips against Hernán’s fingers at his opening. Head pressed back to the pillow, he almost sobbed, “I want you inside me again. Aah…” He flicked a glance toward the drawer of his bedside table, and his cheeks pinked.
Colin clearly wanted to ask for something but was too embarrassed. Hand sliding steadily on Colin’s shaft, slick with the clear juice that leaked down the head from its slit, Hernán inclined his head toward the drawer. He asked, “Is there perhaps a toy in there you’d like me to push inside your ass?”
Colin’s blush deepened to a pretty shade of red as he nodded sharply. Hernán leaned over his prone boyfriend to claim a kiss, his right hand taking over the cock between their bodies while his left pulled open the drawer. He gave a quick glance and made a sound of surprise. Colin groaned and looked away, his face fast approaching scarlet.
“That’s so hot,” Hernán breathed as he reached into the assortment of dildos and other toys. Plugs. A thick red band big enough to use as a cock ring. Living with Rudy had been an education, but still he wasn’t sure about the application of everything in Colin’s drawer. He thought he’d like to learn though.
Colin peeked back at him. “It doesn’t freak you out?”
Hernán shook his head slowly. “All these shapes and sizes, Colin. You have to show me how to use them. For this morning, though, I think…” His hand hovered over the array before he pulled out a blue silicone cock. It was probably seven inches long, slightly shorter and more slender than Hernán’s erect dick. “This will do.”
He spotted a bottle of lube and grabbed that as well. Releasing Colin’s flesh, he examined the toy. “Do you like this one?” he asked as he coated it with lubricant in a twisting motion to make sure it was slippery. Colin nodded and twisted his lower lip. He was still red but not as alarmingly so.
Hernán nudged him with a knee. “Please don’t be embarrassed. With this I can fuck you and make you feel good. I want you coming with me, not alone in the shower.”
He felt Colin’s gaze as he ran the dildo over his own chest, nudging at each nipple with the flared head, sliding it over his pecs. “It feels nice on my skin,” he said in a low voice, lifting his eyes to watch Colin’s reaction. “Cool. Silky. Do you think it will feel nice as I press it into your ass?”
Colin’s eyes never left Hernán’s as he nodded. He bent his knees more and slipped further down the bed so he was exposed. Only the faintest blush remained as his eyes grew hot and needy. Hoarsely, he said, “It won’t be as good as your dick. But yes, it’ll feel nice.”
Hernán swiped his lubed fingers over Colin’s tight ring of muscle before placing the head of the dildo there. “Pretend it’s me,” he whispered, and pressed it forward with a slight twisting motion. Colin’s ass yielded to accept the toy.
“Oh, that’s so sexy. This blue cock is disappearing inside your hungry hole.” He flicked a teasing glance up at Colin. “That’s about two inches. Is it enough?”
Colin moaned and shook his head, squirming against the invading dildo. “More. I need it, Nán. I need you.” His voice was husky and desperate.
Hernán took Colin’s shaft in his free hand and slid down its length at the same speed he worked the silicone version inside. The noises of pleasure coming from Colin had Hernán so hard that he might himself shoot a load from the sound alone.
When the wide base of the blue cock was flush with Colin’s body, Hernán paused to say, “You’ve got it all now, cariño.” He pulled it steadily back until the ridged head pulled on the edges of Colin’s hole. He moved it in small circles, and then plunged back in. Colin gasped and arched his back, squeezing his eyes shut, nearly undone.
Hernán released his throbbing cock and waited until Colin settled down a little. “Oh no. You don’t get to finish so quickly. Here. Show me how you like to do yourself with these toys.”
Colin looked shocked all over again but he didn’t refuse. Heat grew in his eyes and his jaw slackened as he stretched one long arm down between his raised legs to grasp Hernán’s wrist.
Pulling on it, he drew the dildo out several inches, and then reversed course to shove the thing back inside roughly. He repeated the motion with increasing speed, eyes locked with Hernán’s, chest heaving as he fucked himself hard using the blue surrogate for Hernán’s cock.
Soon he squinted again in a look of almost-pain Hernán recognized meant he was about to come. Hernán stilled the toy, watching the anguished expression on Colin’s face as his orgasm retreated again. Colin panted and sagged down, boneless. He licked his lips and growled at Hernán, “You’re a cruel man.”
Hernán asked innocently, “Should I let you come? Or may I keep playing with my toys?” He twisted the dildo in Colin’s ass and the silky skin of his erection, earning a hiss.
“I don’t think I can take much more,” Colin said through gritted teeth. “Too good.”
“Then let’s get you over the edge.” Hernán stroked Colin’s prick more firmly, at the same tempo he used with the dildo. Colin’s legs trembled and he panted, fucking up into Hernán’s grasp as his cock flushed a darker purple. Hernán reamed his ass with the toy until suddenly Colin gasped. At that, Hernán pressed it as far inside Colin as it would go.
“Aaah fuck,” Colin choked out, squeezing his eyes shut and hunching over as a geyser of come erupted from his cock, over Hernán’s fist, to splatter his chest, chin and sheets. Hernán held the dildo in place while he milked Colin’s prick to squeeze out every drop of semen.
Finally Colin shuddered and covered the hand on his cock with his own. “Too sensitive,” he gasped, and Hernán chuckled softly. With a slack mouth and eyes that glimmered in the morning light, Colin watched Hernán carefully withdraw the dildo and set it aside.
“That was so hot. I need to come,” Hernán rasped out and lay back on the bed. His hand went immediately to his own prick, wet and slick already because he’d leaked as he worked over Colin. He skinned back the hood and pulled it down tight, and then slid up until the foreskin closed completely before stroking again.
“What can I do for you?” Colin asked breathlessly, his eyes focused on Hernán’s prick.
“Hold my balls. Yes, like that. And watch me. I like your eyes on me. See how hard you make me?” Hernán gasped and shook, moments away from his own orgasm. “I haven’t come since I fucked you. I need it too. Look at how much you excite me. ¡Mierda!” and then he came hard, spurt after spurt coating his belly and his hand in white.
He sagged back, one hand on his twitching cock, the other thrown over his eyes. “Oh Colin. Sweetheart.”
Colin rolled off the bed and returned in a moment with wet washcloths. They wiped themselves as clean as they could, though only a shower would get rid of all the lube and lingering stickiness. Colin flopped down and put his head across Hernán’s chest. The room smelled pleasantly of semen.
“I don’t think I’ve ever shot that much,” Colin said. “My God. You had me on the edge over and over.” He quivered and then said in a strangled voice, “I never even thought about using toys with someone else.”
“You like them, huh?”
Colin nodded. “I do. Part of it is just that I don’t get a lot of sex. But yeah, I’ve always thought dildos were exciting. I can’t believe you fucked me with one. What you must think of me.”
“Couldn’t you tell I loved it by how hard I came right after you?”
Colin buried his face against Hernán’s chest. “I know. It’s just…so wanton, somehow. To have you do things to me like that. Things I’ve only done alone in a dark room.”
“Oh, mi corazón, I want to do more. I want you to show me every single toy in there and tell me what you think about when you use it.”
“I can do that, if you’re patient with me. But as much as I like them, it’s no substitute for the real thing.” He rested his hand on Hernán’s spent dick. “When you were working me over with Bluebeard, I pretended it was your cock fucking me.”
“Bluebeard? You name your dildos?”
“Oh God. Why do I open my mouth?” Colin groaned and burrowed more deeply into Hernán. “I think I’ll just die of embarrassment here. Don’t mind me.”
“Not until you tell me what you call the gigantic one I saw in your drawer. It must be, what, eleven or twelve inches long and thick as a can of Coke.” Colin muttered something into Hernán’s armpit. “What?”
“I call him Paul. For Paul Bunyan.”
“It’s going to be fun having Paul skewer my boyfriend,” Hernán teased. “I want to share you with your silicone friends.”
Colin inhaled sharply. “About that. We haven’t talked about sharing or really about anything relationship-wise. You haven’t had sex before and I’m not exactly the hottest guy out there. Everywhere you go, these super-handsome men watch you. Maybe you shouldn’t have to limit yourself to just me.”
Hernán tugged up Colin’s chin and frowned. “I don’t want to have sex with anyone but you. Do you want to have other people? I know I don’t have much experience but I’m trying to learn—”
“Oh my God, no! I don’t want anyone else at all. It’s just that I’d like to have at least some of your attention, even if that means you want to get with other guys sometimes.”
“Colin. Cariño.” Hernán pulled him up into a hug. “Stop putting yourself down, because I think you’re sexy and handsome. I can’t believe I have to say it but look at this mess you’ve brought home. I’m here illegally, I’ve been raped, I’ve got all these trust issues and now, on top of that, I have HIV. You shouldn’t put up with me for one minute, and I don’t know what you see in me that you love. How can you imagine I’d treat this casually? That I’d want anyone but you?”
He kissed Colin hard, trying to express himself physically since his words seemed feeble. Colin finally pulled away long enough to rest a hand on Hernán’s cheek and say earnestly, “You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”
Hernán kissed Colin’s palm and said, “And you are my friend and my lover. You’re passionate and funny. You love Doctor Who and you love sex toys. There’s so much you keep locked away inside but still you let me see it. I want everyone else to see it too. To know my Colin. I’m screwing things up but I’m trying, I really am. Don’t give up on me. Please.”
Colin’s eyes were shiny. “You haven’t screwed anything up and I’ll never give up on you. But the same has to go for you, okay? If I do something wrong and make you mad, you can’t walk away without telling me. Give me a chance to fix it.”
“Deal,” Hernán murmured. “Mi amor.”
“Mi amor,” Colin agreed.