IT’S THE FIRST TIME IN eight days that Jax or myself has left his house. Getting over the withdrawal symptoms has not been easy; in fact, it’s been one of the hardest things in my life other than losing Jax all those years ago.
The first few days I was so depressed that all I wanted to do was sleep. Being awake was a reminder of what I was putting Jax through and I couldn’t handle it. I made a promise to myself when I moved back to stay away from Jax for that very reason.
He’s been through enough, and the idea of putting him through taking care of me hurt like hell. I was terrified I’d break down and fight Jax for an escape. I didn’t think I’d be strong enough to walk away from the one thing that’s been keeping me together for so long, but he pushed me and fought along with me, not willing to give up on me.
Now, the only thing I can do is stay strong enough to stay clean for him. For us. Because I don’t think I’ll ever be able to survive without him again. Not after finally getting him back.
It’s been over a week since Jax took the four-hour drive to pay my father and George a visit. It took me until the next day to actually comprehend what Jax had done for me the night before.
The only thing I wanted to think about when he walked through that door was that he was safe and back home where he belonged. Nothing else mattered.
But once I actually took the time to think about those two assholes suffering because of Jax, I realized part of the relief I felt was from them finally getting what they deserve after all these years.
It doesn’t take back all the bad things my father put me through, but it feels good to know that him and his asshole friend understand the feeling of being as helpless and weak as they made me feel.
I didn’t ask Jax too many details, but judging by his bloodied fists when he walked into the house that night, I’d say they both got a pretty good beating and Jax got his point across.
We haven’t talked about what happened since, and I don’t plan on asking and making Jax have to think about it anymore. It’s done. I’m ready for us both to move on and forget my father ever existed. He forgot about me easy enough.
The last week has been rough, but things are finally beginning to look up and I want to keep moving forward as smoothly as possible. No more looking back.
“It’s looking good, babe.” Jax looks up from the tattoo he’s been working on, his amber eyes locking with my green ones. I can see the concern in them before he speaks again. “Are you okay? Do you need a break?”
“I’m fine. Keep going, Jax. I need this right now.” I close my eyes and relax as much as I can, even though I lied, because it hurts like hell at this point. But this tattoo means a lot to me. I changed my mind and decided to get something different than what I originally came in to get. Something that means something to me.
It’s a black and gray tattoo of a little girl on a tire swing with a boy pushing her. I told him to do his best to capture the tree and the night sky as he remembers it from when we were kids. He stayed up all night drawing it and we’ve been here at Savage & Ink for almost five hours now.
I can’t tell how much he’s done, but I’ve never been more anxious for a tattoo in my life. There’s nothing I want marked permanently on my body more than the memory of the only happy part of my childhood.
It expresses that Jax has been there for me through my toughest times and never once gave up on me.
“How are you feeling besides the pain from the tattoo?” He pauses and looks up at me again, waiting for an answer. I know exactly what he’s asking and I want him to know that he can stop worrying about me.
“Better,” I answer honestly. “I feel as close to normal as I have in years. The craving will always be there, in the back of my mind, but I haven’t had any urges to look for a handful of pills and go crazy, so you can relax. I promise.”
He sets the tattoo gun down and grabs my face, pulling me in so close that his beard tickles me. “Fuck, Lex. You have no idea how happy that makes me. I know this shit isn’t easy. I went through it with my mother, but I need you to tell me whenever you feel like you’re seconds away from caving, so I can be there for you. Promise me this.”
I swallow and close my eyes when he pulls me in for a kiss, giving my bottom lip a slight tug as he pulls away. His mouth is perfect at making me forget everything else when it’s on mine, and he knows this, so he makes sure to use it on me as often as possible. I’m not complaining. “I promise,” I whisper against his lips. “I’ll let you know.”
This man.
His touch.
His kiss.
His closeness.
They’re the only things that have kept me strong through all of this. In the past, nothing was good enough to keep me straight. I would’ve already been looking for a way to escape, but even with the numerous phone calls and texts that James has been sending for the past week, I haven’t broken yet.
“Let’s get this tattoo finished so I can get you home and in my bed.”
I nod and make myself comfortable again as he goes back to work. “Can we swing by Tessa’s on the way? I need to grab some more clothes if I’m staying at your place longer.”
“We’re grabbing all of your clothes, Lex. Tell Tessa I’ll pay her the rent for the next two months. That should give her enough time to find a new roommate. It’s our place.”
Butterflies flutter in my stomach at the thought of moving in with Jax, and I can’t stop the smile that takes over. I spent so much time worrying he wouldn’t want me after discovering the true me that it feels extremely freeing to know I was wrong.
“Jax, are you sure you–”
“It’s the only thing I’ve wanted for as long as I’ve known you, Lex. Yes. You’re moving in me with me and if you try fighting me on it you’re going to lose.”
I’m not fighting him on this, because the truth is, after spending the last week in his bed and in his arms, I can’t imagine going back to my bed at Tessa’s. It never felt like home there; no place ever has, aside from where Jax is.
I can’t find the right words to say, so I say the first thing that comes to mind. “I’ll let Tessa know.”
He grabs for the tattoo gun again and I reach beside me for my phone to text Tessa and distract myself from the pain.
I have a few missed texts and my stomach sinks when I read the one from James.
James: This is bullshit, but I’m not giving up, Alex. Sooner or later you’re going to beg me to come over with a buffet of pills. The urge will never go away. You’re an addict. Just admit that to yourself and answer my fucking texts. I know you’re reading them. Jax will never accept you the way I do. You’re damaged goods. That will never change.
I squeeze my phone in my hand, wanting nothing more than for it to be James’ neck. He’s trying to get to me and weaken me, but I won’t let that happen, because I know he’s wrong about Jax.
“Fucking asshole,” I mutter.
“Another text from James?” He doesn’t look away from the tattoo, but his jaw steels when I nod. “That fucker is sadly mistaken if he thinks I won’t hunt him down and break his neck. I’ve kept it together for the past week, because there was no way in hell I was leaving your side, but he won’t get so lucky this week.”
“I need to text Tessa and see if he’s been giving her a hard time. If he has then I’ll kick his ass myself.”
My other two messages are from Madison checking on me, but I ignore those for now and pull up Tessa’s name.
Me: Has James been coming around the house since I’ve a gone?
Tessa is most likely at work, so it takes a bit to get a response.
Tessa: Yeah and he’s about to get kicked in the balls the next time him and that dealer of his shows up. I’ve already told them you haven’t been around, but they keep coming back.
Tessa: They stood outside the house for almost three hours last night. It was creepy as shit. I almost texted you, but I didn’t know how you were feeling. Are you okay?
My stomach sinks when I read over her messages to see that James and Jasper have been creeping around the house. Jasper gave me a bad vibe that night we met and it’s a little strange he keeps coming around with James.
“Everything good?” Jax sets the tattoo gun down and cleans off my side.
“I don’t know. Tessa says James and his dealer have been hanging around the house. I don’t feel comfortable with her being there alone, Jax. Maybe I should–”
“You’re not staying there, Lex. Hell no. Not happening. I’ll send Blaine to keep an eye out. He needs a distraction right now since him and Madison are no longer talking. The asshole is moody as hell.”
I watch as he does a few finishing touches, before cleaning it off one last time.
“All done. Shit, Lex. I’m so happy you wanted this on your body. You have no idea how many times I’ve thought about those nights with you at the tire swing.”
I push the thoughts of James and Jasper out of my mind and do my best to focus on this moment, before it’s ruined.
“I’ve thought about them too.” I grab the back of his neck and pull him close, needing his touch. This whole situation with James has me worked up. “The memories helped me through some hard times and I’ll never forget them. You made sure of that. I still remember laughing like nothing else in the world existed except the two of us and that tire swing.”
My heart skips a beat from the way he’s looking at me, and that look alone is almost enough to make me blurt out what I’ve been feeling since the day he found me. But the thought of saying the words out loud and not hearing them back scares me enough to stop myself.
“That’s how I wanted to make you feel. That’s how you deserved to feel.” He gives me a quick kiss on the lips, before grabbing my hand and helping me to my feet. “Take a look in the mirror and tell me what you think.”
The moment I get a glimpse at the ink on my side, my breath catches in my throat. Jax captured us perfectly and it’s hard not to get overwhelmed with emotions right now.
“Do you like it?” He moves in behind me and pulls my hair over my shoulder. “Is it what you pictured?”
I shake my head. “No. It’s so much better, Jax. It’s absolutely breathtaking.”
“I hope it was worth the six hours of pain.” He kisses my neck, before slowly moving his mouth around to kiss my chin. “Because I hate hurting you.”
“It was more than worth it. Thank you, Jax.” I turn around to face him and wrap my hands into the bottom of his hair. “I can’t thank you enough for everything you’ve done for me. I’ve loved you since we were kids. I’ve never loved anyone else and I never will. I want you to know that.”
With his eyes locked on mine, he bows his head and cups my face with both hands. My heart races as I wait for him to say something. Anything. “Do you mean that?”
I swallow, trying to my best not to pass out. I’m so damn nervous right now that my head feels like it’s spinning. “Yes. I mean it.”
His jaw flexes as he looks me over, taking in my expression. “I’ve loved you since the day I found you behind your garage and I fell in love with you the day you walked back into my life with your sassy attitude. It always has and only ever will be you, Lex, regardless of how much time passes. That’s the fucking truth.”
Gripping my face with both hands, he leans down to my height and desperately presses his lips against mine, while moving his hands up to grip at my hair, as if he needs any and every part of me. When he kisses me this way it leaves me breathless, every single time, and now is no exception.
When we finally break the kiss, I look into the mirror to see Blaine leaning against the door watching us. He winks at me and I can’t help but to smile at the cute asshole.
“Do you ever knock, asshole?” Jax asks, trying to hide his smile.
“Not in all the years we’ve known each other, brother.” He flashes us a grin, but it’s not his usual cocky one. “Good thing I didn’t, because I got to witness your confession of love. How fucking sweet and sappy.”
“Fuck you,” Jax says, watching as Blaine walks over to check out my tattoo. “Is Mark still here?”
He nods, leaning in to get a better look at my ink. “Holy shit, asshole. You’re better than I expected.”
“Ask Mark if he can stay and close up. I need you to stay with someone tonight and possibly tomorrow until I can take care of something.”
Blaine stands up straight and cracks his neck. “Do I need to get into ass-kicking mode? It’s been a while and I’m itching to fuck someone up.”
“Someone from my past won’t stop harassing my roommate Tessa. I don’t feel comfortable with her being there alone. It would mean a lot if you could stay with her in case he comes back again.”
Blaine runs a hand through his hair and nods. “I don’t feel like sleeping at my house right now anyway. I’ll be your watchdog.”
“Appreciate it, brother.” Jax grips his shoulder. “Go talk to Mark and then meet us outside.”
Less than ten minutes later, we’re headed to Tessa’s house with Blaine following us on his motorcycle.
It’s half past one, so Tessa won’t be home for a while, but I sent her a text to let her know Blaine will be sleeping on the couch. I get a response as we’re pulling up in the driveway; her thanking me in call caps.
Blaine and Jax stay in the living room discussing some things as I grab a bag and shove all the clothes I care about into it. The rest I’ll leave for Tessa to decide if she wants or not. I don’t have much else to take, since I came here with practically nothing, so it doesn’t take long for me to finish.
“I’m ready.”
The guys look my way and Jax immediately walks over to grab my clothes from me. “Tessa is good with a stranger sleeping on her couch?”
I smile and turn my attention to Blaine. “I’m guessing from the thank you she sent me she knows of Blaine.”
Blaine grins and takes a seat on the arm of the couch.
Cocky fucker.
“Then she’s aware there’ll be a psychotic asshole alone in the house with her. Glad we don’t have to explain that shit to her.”
“A hot psychotic asshole,” Blaine adds. “I haven’t had any complaints yet.”
“Keep telling yourself that.” Jax shakes his head and places his free hand on the small of my back. “Let’s go home and get some rest. Blaine will call if anything goes down.”
We open the door to step outside and my heart drops to my stomach when James’ shitty car pulls up in front of the house.
“Get inside,” Jax says, his voice firm. “Tell Blaine I can handle this by myself.”
I don’t fight Jax on this, because the truth is, I can’t stand to look at James right now. All I want is to get him out of my life. Seeing him will only remind me of all those nights we got high together. I’m not ready for that.
I step into the house and Blaine is already making his way to the door, so I place my hand on his chest and push him back inside. “Jax said he’ll handle it by himself.”
Blaine stiffens and cracks his knuckles, as if he’s ready for a fight to go down. He listens for a few seconds before, “fuck it,” flies out of his mouth and he walks outside.
I watch from the window, looking out at James’ car, waiting for him and Jasper to step outside, but they don’t. After a few minutes they drive off.
With my heart pounding, I hurry outside to see Jax and Blaine smoking a joint, staring at the street.
“Jasper,” Jax says after a few seconds. “That’s James’ dealer. I should’ve known.”
I swallow. “You’ve dealt with him before?”
He nods and hands the joint back to Blaine. “He was my mom’s dealer. Him and some prick were at my mom’s house a while ago. I’m going to assume that’s why the fucker sized me up when hearing my name.”
“You’ve met?” Nerves take over thinking about the two of them meeting face to face.
“Yeah, but I had no clue he knew you. I just got a feeling he didn’t like the looks of me. Now I see why.”
“Fuck it,” Blaine says, passing the joint back to Jax. “We’ll take them on. I don’t have shit else to do.”
“I’ll handle it.” Jax tosses the joint and runs his hands over his face. “You take care of things if they come back and give Tessa a hard time.”
“Gotcha.”
After saying bye to Blaine, we head back to Jax’s, both of us tense from learning about Jasper and James.
Jax doesn’t say much the rest of the night. He checks my tattoo one more time and then pulls me into bed with him, keeping me as close as possible. I can tell he’s fighting hard to keep it together and I hate that he feels he has to keep his guard up now.
It takes me a while to fall asleep, because I can’t stop wondering if James and Jasper will come back again.
If they do. I have a feeling it’ll get messy.