THE ONLY THING I WANT to do is forget about the last few days and make it through this shift without having to take my heel off and shove it through some asshole’s throat for being handsy with me.
These dicks don’t seem to be getting the memo tonight, because I’ve been fighting them off since walking through that door a few hours ago.
The last one hitting on me actually had enough balls to grab my ass when I went to reach for a pen for him to sign his credit card bill.
If it wouldn’t be hard for someone like me to find a better job—a decent one that doesn’t involve drunken assholes—I would walk out that door right now and never look back. I despise this place.
I can’t do that, though. I need to save enough money to get a place of my own, where I can be alone when I want. A girl needs to have her own space to escape when necessary.
I’ve never had the luxury of a hideaway from the outside world that I can exist in without someone being in the next room over.
That’s why I’m here. This is the only place I’ve imagined that possibility, because the only time I ever felt peace, even for just a few hours a night, was here, with Jax—the place he grew up.
I was certain my assumptions were right and Jax had taken off. With nothing to keep him here, I figured he had moved on to another town after all these years. Finding out the guy who had been making me feel something since the moment I walked into Savage & Ink was him, sent me into complete breakdown mode.
The rawness of my throat from Tessa having to shove her fingers down it is a harsh reminder of how far gone I was to numb the pain.
The sad part about that is it’s not the first time I’ve needed saving from myself, and it won’t be the last.
Lying in bed the next morning, it took me hours staring up at the ceiling to get my head on straight and remember the details from the night before.
Savage & Ink.
A motorcycle ride.
Rough sex with the bartender.
The bartender that was in fact Jax . . .
My Jax.
As soon as the last thought popped into my head, I leaned over the side of the bed and tossed up whatever was left inside my stomach.
It smelt and tasted like whiskey from the night before, which only had me wanting to vomit even more, but there was nothing left to throw up. It left me dry heaving, which hurt like hell.
But that pain was nothing compared to the ache I felt in my heart when I took off to get away from Jax.
That night was never supposed to happen. I was nowhere near prepared to see Jax again. Not when I already made myself believe I’d never see him again.
When I went home with the bartender and asked him to be rough with me, it was supposed to help take my mind off Jax and remind me the man I was about to sleep with was nothing like him. That he wasn’t sweet and caring like my Jax always was when it came to me.
Instead, all it did was show me that Jax is now a rough, dangerous man who fucks like a beast in the bedroom.
As good as it felt physically—trust me, it was the best sex of my entire life—it was never supposed to be that way with him.
When I was younger, I always imagined a life with a happy ending, where Jax and I would grow up and get married and he’d be kind and gentle with me just like he always promised.
But that didn’t happen.
My father tore me away from him.
Now, the only thing I’ve been able to think about is Jax, and the more I think about him . . . the more I want to go to him and break down in his strong arms.
I can’t do that.
Jax had it hard his whole life taking care of his depressed, junkie mother; trying to save her when no one else gave a shit, and it killed him every second of every day.
I can’t and won’t be the one to hurt him like she did. My depression runs just as deep as hers, and sometimes I can’t get out of bed for days. Why put that on him? Why make him go through something that difficult again when he doesn’t have to?
He deserves so much better than what I’ve become and I’m terrified of the way he’ll react if he ever finds out who I am. That I was the girl he slammed against the door and fucked hard until my legs gave out.
What if he hates that he took me home with him?
What if he hates himself for having sex with the girl he used to protect?
And worst of all, what if he hates the person I’ve become and wants nothing to do with me?
Jax hating me is the worst possible thing that could ever happen to me.
My thoughts have me panicking, so I reach in my pocket for another pill and wash it down with the shot of whiskey in front of me. Doesn’t matter how many pills I’ve popped over the last few days, because nothing seems to be working other than passing out, which unfortunately, I can’t do right now.
Closing my eyes, I take a few deep breaths, trying to gain control of my thoughts, but they’re going haywire.
Images of Jax slamming me against the door keep overriding everything else, stirring up my emotions all over again.
His hard, muscled body thrusting me up the polished wood. His perfect teeth digging into my lips as he growled out his need for me.
The way it felt when he first slammed into me, his thickness filling me to the max.
Jax Kade was inside of me and I’ll never be able to erase those memories, no matter how hard I try. No amount of drugs or alcohol will ever be enough to make me forget him. I know this because I’ve tried everything in my power to.
If I care about him as much as I used to I’ll stay out of his life before my depression and sick habits drag him down with me.
I’m just not sure I can stay away, though. I’ve never been able to, even when I knew my father would beat me for sneaking out to see him. And he beat me good and hard, making me bleed at times from the blow of his belt.
I don’t know what makes me think I can do it now.
But for him . . . I’ll try, because he means more to me than anything in this entire world.
Beautiful Jax . . . the name still suits him after all these years, except now he’s a beautiful savage.
Pouring myself another shot, I swallow it back and set the empty glass down in front of me. I don’t know how I’m going to do this. I don’t know how I’m going to go on when everything inside me hurts.
And it’s not the same deep ache I’ve been feeling over the last thirteen years. It’s so much more now; now that I’ve had him in a way I never had before. It’s that feeling of everything inside of me being crushed over and over again until there’s nothing left of me.
I know where Jax is. I know where he works, where he lives, yet I can’t go to him. Talk about dying a slow and painful death.
Grabbing a towel, I distract myself by cleaning up, but a couple customers causing a scene has me cussing under my breath, and hoping I don’t have to call the cops to force them to stop fighting.
I’m in no condition to deal with the law right now, so I ignore it and hope it fixes itself. It usually does.
“Right here, babe.” When I look over Jim is holding up his empty glass. He’s been here since before shift change and I don’t like the way he’s been looking at me since I walked behind the bar. “One more and I’ll take the bill.”
I nod and grab a new glass, filling it with his choice of beer, before quickly dropping it off and printing out his tab.
When I give it to him, he touches my arm in a way that has me feeling sick to my stomach. I know that touch and what it means, because I’ve felt it from many guys before.
“Don’t fucking touch me,” I grind out, yanking my arm from his reach. “Keep your hands on that beer where they belong.”
“My bad,” he mutters, bringing the glass to his lips. “You shouldn’t look so sexy if you don’t want me to notice, bitch.”
I bite my tongue and walk away, wanting to make it through this shitty night the best I can.
I really need some air right about now. Releasing a frustrated breath, I reach into my purse for a joint and step out from behind the bar. When I look toward the exit, I notice it’s crowded with people stepping outside.
“What the hell is going on?”
I look around, trying to figure out what the deal is, and that’s when my eyes land on an angry Jax, standing in the middle of the room. He looks on edge as his eyes scan behind the bar until they finally set on me.
I can’t breathe and my chest feels as if it’s going to explode from the pressure of emotions bursting inside me.
With each step he takes toward me, my heart beats faster and faster until the only thing I can focus on is the pounding of my heart.
Why is Jax here and why must he be so painfully beautiful? I can’t take it.
His gaze stays locked on mine as he continues to come toward me, and I know from the hurt look in his eyes that he’s figured out who I am.
I don’t know when or how, but he did, and the knowledge of that has me fighting to breathe.
The screeching of the stool beside me, moving across the floor as Jim stands up to leave, isn’t even enough to have Jax and me looking away from each other. It’s not until Jim opens his mouth to say something stupid that Jax brings his attention to him.
“Here’s your tip, you dumb bitch. Not that you deserve one.”
“You want to repeat what the fuck you just said?” Jax stops and cracks his neck once he’s standing right behind Jim.
The sound of Jax’s intimidating voice has Jim spinning around to look at him. The lethal look in Jax’s eyes as he stares him down almost has me worried for Jim’s safety, and that’s saying something, because I hate that piece of shit. But anyone who has the pleasure of pissing Jax off is one unlucky bastard.
I’ve witnessed his wrath a few times already and it isn’t pretty.
“I called her a dumb bitch for talking to me as if she’s b–”
Before Jim can finish his sentence, Jax is in his face, pressing a knife to his throat. “Finish that sentence and it’ll be the last thing that ever leaves your mouth.”
“Oh shit . . . take it easy,” Jim mutters, his eyes pleading with Jax not to cut him. “I’ll leave. I’ll go right now. It’s just drunk talk. That’s it. It didn’t mean shit.”
“Good fucking plan,” Jax says on a growl, giving him a shove so he’s up on his feet. “Learn some manners when speaking to women.”
Jim nods and scrambles to grab his wallet, before rushing toward the door.
As soon as he’s out of sight, Jax’s attention suffocates me again, his eyes taking me in as if he can’t stop looking at me. “We need to fucking talk.”
The moment Jax pulls off his leather jacket, revealing the two pistols in his shoulder holster, I’m completely done for.
Holy hell, he makes that holster look sexy.
As much as I know I shouldn’t want to see him, the sight of him has everything inside of me coming alive just like when we were kids.
He’s always been able to make me feel so many things, and the fact that all these years haven’t changed that is terrifying.
It’s terrifying because I know losing him again will hurt just as much as the first time, if not more, and I barely survived it back then.
I want to go to him. I want to run into his arms and hope like hell that he still wants me there, but I fight the urge as he turns around toward the exit.
“Everyone out!” he yells, his voice deep and intimidating, getting the attention of everyone still left inside. “Now!”
From the way the rest of the room rushes to do what he says, I’m guessing they notice the guns strapped to him. They’re hard to miss.
“What are you doing here?” I question once he turns back around. “How did you find me?” My voice cracks as he comes toward me, but I manage to get the words out.
He ignores my questions, his jaw flexing as he backs me against the wall and places his hands on my face. “Did you really think you could hide from me, Lex?”
I swallow, unable to get any words out as he bows his head to look down at me.
“Did you?” he questions, firmer this time. “Fucking answer me.”
“Yeah,” I whisper. My answer has him moving his arms around to cage me in. It’s as if he’s showing me that there’s no escaping this time. “I didn’t think you’d find out who I was or even care.”
He lets out an angry growl, before reaching into his jacket and pulling something out. “You dropped this on my porch when running from me.” His eyes stay on me, watching as I grab the plastic from his hand and look down at it. I hadn’t even realized my license was missing. “Thirteen fucking years I’ve waited to have you here in front of me and all you can do is run from me?”
The sound of hurt and betrayal in Jax’s voice has me wanting to lose it. “I can’t do this, Jax.” I attempt to push him away from me, needing some space to breathe, but he doesn’t budge. He just moves in closer, until there’s no space between us. “Jax, move. Now. I mean it.”
“No,” he growls. “I’m not moving so you can run again, dammit.”
“Fine.” I push his chest again and grunt. “I’ll move you my damn self then.” I continue to push at his hard chest, but he refuses to budge. Frustration takes over that he won’t let me go. “Fuck you!” I scream, my emotions getting the best of me. “Get the hell out of my way and let me leave.”
His eyes soften as he looks down at the emotional wreck in front of him and I expect him to move so I can walk away, but he surprises me by pulling me into his arms.
He holds me tight. Tighter than he ever has before, and I find myself falling into him, wanting the comfort and safety he’s always provided.
“I’m not going anywhere without you,” he whispers into my hair. “Either you’re coming home with me or I’m following you home. Which is it?”
I can’t breathe in his arms, because every emotion I’ve been fighting to keep in over the last thirteen years comes rushing out, and I feel like I’m about to have a panic attack.
“Neither, Jax.” I shove his arm out of my way and attempt to walk away, but he pulls me back to him, pressing his hard body against mine again.
“Which is it?” he growls against my lips. “I’ll make the decision if I have to, Lex.”
The fierceness and determination in his eyes tells me he’s not letting me go without a fight, so I make the better decision of the two. The one that will still allow me an escape if needed. I’m not ready for him to know where I live. “I’ll go with you.”
“Good.” He nods, his gaze lowering to my lips. The way he licks his bottom one while looking at mine has my insides heating up with need. “I’ll call Mark to make sure this place gets locked up for the night, because you won’t be coming back.”
Clearly, this man is nothing like the Jax I remember, and I have a feeling that’s going to make it even harder to stay away . . .