Vegas
I feel every little thing. I remember all those late nights Derrick and I spent together. We were so young, only twenty years old. I remember everything I used to feel when with him. Happiness, when he would touch my skin, as if he could touch my heart with his whispers and kisses. He could inspire my dreams. At one time, I thought that man would be my universe, take me to heaven and bring me back to earth. The pain and the hurt left me vulnerable when I left California.
The man my Papa loved as much as me had a mistress. I exhale the crushing pain at the memory of seeing him in a restaurant, then walking out to his bike with her. In the MC life there is only one woman who rides on the back of your bike, and that’s an Ol’ Lady.
Before he left that last evening, he gave me a kiss on his way to work. Only he wasn’t working that night. Papa called to ask me how our dinner was, and Derrick wasn’t answering his calls. He worked for Papa, and Papa never made mistakes. He couldn’t come out and say it, but he wanted me to know. Derrick ran with his crew, he couldn’t tell me, couldn’t rat a brother out. He couldn’t punish a brother for what he had done to me. It’s not within the codes they live by for the others to care.
Papa gave me a clue as best as he could, he was telling me to go looking for Derrick. It wasn’t hard, had the GPS to his phone’s location in seconds. Derrick got sloppy, forgot who my family was, or what I was capable of.
I stood on the sidewalk, the cold wind freezing my shattered heart. Humiliation. That’s what truly made me pack up my shit of the life I had left and move far away to start over. Refusing to move from my spot, standing there until he saw me. I allowed my heart to break and shatter to the concrete.
Then, I picked it up, along with my pride, and walked back to my bike, threw on my helmet and peeled out of there.
After talking to Dana, we were both on a mission. We needed a new town, with new people and faces to start over.
After a few weeks of careful planning and dodging Derrick, we were ready. Except he eventually caught up with me. My car was packed, ready to hide from the memories. Unlocking the new black Tahoe, my body went rigid at the sound of his voice. With my back to him, I was unwilling to turn around. “Alessia, come home to me. Please understand she wasn’t meant for me, not like you are. I was so stupid to do what I did,” Derrick’s soft voice pleaded with my cold heart. His strong hand landed on my shoulder, squeezing lightly.
Facing the Tahoe packed with all my clothes inside, my head fell forward hitting the car. The touch that used to bring me comfort was killing me now. Dropping my shoulder, I turned towards him, willing my eyes not to cry. Embracing the anger instead.
“For what, Derrick, so I can be like every other woman who takes her cheating man back? Tell me something, would you want my body after a man has had his hands all over me? Shared my body with his? Let him fuck me? Dominate mine with his? Tell me you could still worship my body after I betrayed you,” I glared into Derrick’s shinny eyes. I truly believed he loved me, some part still did anyway.
Grabbing both of my shoulders, he pulled me into his embrace, knowing that was the end of us. He was holding onto something that had died a sad and painful death. “I will always love you, Alessia, always.” Derrick’s hands cupped my jaw, looking into my eyes, searching for love that used to be there. Problem was, it still was there.
The contact, so intimate, was so painful that I had to close my eyes, and damn it. My heart wanted to beat for him again, but my mind said no! Trying to control my racing heart, I took deep breaths that only helped so much. A tear streaked down my cheek. Derrick kissed the tear away, catching it with his lips. Pulling me back into his embrace, he murmured, “I’m so sorry. I did this to us, Alessia, and I am so sorry. Please believe me?” Squeezing him to me a little tighter, I embraced his words into me.
I stepped out and away from his hold and realized that was the last thing I knew to be true. “I know you’re sorry, Derrick.” His eyes had a little hope, thinking this was turning around for him. “Thing is, I can’t have you after you’ve shared yourself with someone else.”
Derrick’s head fell forward in defeat. I closed the door and started the engine when I heard his fist hitting the side of the car. The last thing I saw was his pain and anger reflected in my rearview mirror.
Derrick knew I would be stone. He tried to get a hold of me again, but I never gave in to any calls or texts. Two months later he finally stopped calling.
I will never let another man break me again. Will never feel weak. No man will have my heart like that again.
There are rules that men live by that work for my family. We never rat out. To this day my family doesn’t know who I saw Derrick with that day. What the hell am I thinking of this for?
Banging on my door snaps me up out of my memories. Tugger starts pacing at the door, waiting for me. I open the door to Jenn and Dana standing there with Starbucks. I smile. I wouldn’t have made it without these girls. They are my soul sisters.
Inviting them in, I say, “Well, I guess you guys want the details or you wouldn’t be bribing me at ten in the morning with Starbucks.” I grab the blueberry scone and latte from Dana. They both shrug not caring that they are guilty. They sit down with me on the couches in my living room.
“Busted,” Jenn says all smiles for me. “We want all the details of those hot biker boys,” she wistfully tells me. I shake my head at her, “Jenn, you know you and James are MFEO.” I laugh at her because when she finally decides to see that man is in love with her, God help her. And him.
Jenn’s not having it though. “Whatever, he’s always all over those girls at the bar and I’m not in the mood to be played by a player. And stop saying MFEO! We are not in high school anymore. So, answer our question and stop deflecting, we aren’t leaving till you spill.”
Ugh, these nosy bitches are going to bug the living hell out of me till I give, may as well get it over with. “Fine,” I say while feigning frustration. “The Battle Born MC wants to move in next door to us and open up a tattoo shop. Not sure if they are looking to lease or buy that part of the building. I pretty much just said I will schedule some time to talk business, and then they left.”
Dana’s face is perked in interest, and the questions are coming. “Do they all have to be licensed to work in a shop? Is our area even zoned to open a tattoo shop?” I love that she’s getting the logistics worked out for me.
“That’s why you’re my manager, babe. I bring the fun, you bring your brains and beauty, and DJ Jammin’ Jenn brings the jams. That’s why the three of us,” I hold three fingers up, “are the perfect trio.” I’ve been thinking for a while now to bring them in as partners. It would only be right.
Jenn remembers her thought. “Dana! that guy with a nice, tight build and as tall as the bossy one, he was hot. He was totally eyeing you for the short time they were there.”
“Psh, I don’t think so.” Dana waves Jenn off and continues, “Guys always flirt in a bar, and then some extra with the bartenders, thinking they will get something for free. This vagina can take care of herself, no bs required. Plus, I don’t think there was any room left. The air was suffocated by Vegas and the broody dude.” She wiggles her eyebrows at me like I know what she’s talking about.
“Seriously?”, I ask Dana. “That guy, his name is Blade by the way, and the one Jenn is talking about is Axl, and there wasn’t any air in the room left because he had his ego to inflate it with. The guy is a total douche, control freak, arrogant prick.” I mock disinterest, because there’s no way I’m telling them how hot our encounter really was and how it got to me. Let alone my solo ride into ecstasy last night with my fingers at thoughts of his hands and voice.
“Hmm, you really are worked up over Blade. With most guys you don’t even care to take the time to cuss out. He’s special,” Jenn is batting her eyelashes at us. Dana and I start laughing in sync over Jenn’s tender thoughts.
“Well, I will call the pain in my ass, no additional comments necessary, Jenn,” I hold up my hand at her while shaking my head. “And schedule a sit-down with all of us.” We spend the rest of Saturday relaxing and chatting. Eventually we get up and start getting ready for work.
∞ ∞ ∞
The week flies by since we are all busy catching up on paying our bills, cleaning and inventory. Thankfully, during the week it’s mellow in the bar where Dana and I take turns working on the invoices and helping customers. Jenn comes in a few hours here and there to scratch out some new tracks. She always helps to clean or whatever Dana and I don’t have time for. I love listening to what she spins together. Every day she has new playlists.
Tonight she sounds sad, and I wonder what she’s going through that she won’t tell us about. She drops the remix Last Kiss by Pearl Jam on the bar speakers. Dana turns to me, concern written clearly on her features. “Do we need to stage a suicide intervention? Bitch is sad, do we need to hook her up or something? Since she’s been back from Cali, she hasn’t been the same,” Dana tries to whisper to me, but I think it’s louder than she realizes.
“I don’t know what went down in Sacramento, but when she’s ready, she’ll tell us,” I say back to Dana confidently. Jenn must have heard us because the song she was playing stops. All I can do is put the bottles that I’m holding down. Because Jenn starts playing Warrant’s Cherry Pie with a very devious, pissed off look on her face.
Dana turns and glares at Jenn, “Really, Jenn, this song?” She steps out around from behind the bar to get a better look at Jenn. “The one time I forget to pack Spankies for cheerleading and that asshole on the football team told the whole school about my partially thong covered vagina he got a glimpse of during one of our kicks. That whole year everyone played that song every time they saw me! Asshole!” Dana’s face is red from her outburst and stands there glaring daggers at Jenn.
Jenn is bending over laughing hard at her too, “Yeah, I do remember, thanks for ‘cheering’ me up.” I’m shaking with laughter. It’s been forbidden for a long time to play this song. It makes my heart and mind feel lighter as I remember the good times we had growing up.
Getting back to work, I pull the small step stool over, stretching up to the top to grab the bottles I need to dust off. Not quite finding my footing on the step below, I feel my center start tipping sideways, and I’m moving backwards. “Shiit”, until very strong hands are on my ass. What the …