As I stare at the empty doorway, tears flow freely.

What have I done to my son?

I’ve lost him forever.

“Eric,” I hear Jesse say behind me as I close the door, not looking back at him.

I don’t want to look at him. I don’t want him to see me like this, but as I feel a hand on my back, I turn to him and bury my face in his shoulder. I need him. I need his strength. I need his comfort. He wraps his arms around me, and I hold him close…the way we’ve done so many times since this past weekend.

“What have I done?” I ask as I reflect on Ty’s cruel words.

He’s not wrong, though. He never did have a father. I may have been in his life for some time, but I couldn’t fit that role. I couldn’t be what he needed me to be because I didn’t know how, and to make matters worse, I had to go and fuck it all up even more. Even worse, there’s a terrible part of me that doesn’t regret any of this, because as much as I don’t want to be without my son, I don’t want to be without Jesse either.

“It’s okay. It’s not over,” Jesse says. “He needs time.”

Time, yes. That’s what he needs, but in the end, I don’t know if it will help, if it can undo the damage that’s been done, not just now, but since before he even came into my life…in all that time when he was out there wondering where his father was and why he didn’t care enough about him to be there.

I try to stay strong, to fight this fit of tears that’s overcome me, but it overwhelms me.

I descend onto my knees.

Jesse moves with me, and soon we’re crouched on the floor together, him holding me close. It’s not just the loss of Ty I’m feeling hurt by, but everything colliding—the pain that cuts even deeper, the loss of a part of myself. It’s the reason why, as much as Jesse’s trying to be here for me now, I still have this desire to push him away.

“I’m so sorry,” I tell Jesse.

“You don’t have anything to be sorry about.”

I look up at him, realizing he’s misunderstood. “No, I’m sorry for everything I hold back, for everything I can’t give you. I want to give you everything you desire, but something happened to me in my past.”

I don’t even know why I’m saying these words. I’m so vulnerable in this moment, and here’s Jesse holding me close, reassuring me, and I enjoy his strength and knowing I’m not alone.

He whispers softly, “Quid pro quo.”

For some reason, maybe because I’m already experiencing more pain than I thought I could manage and still live…maybe because I trust Jesse more than I’ve ever trusted anyone before…maybe because he already knows so much that I feel like I might as well speak the words, I start but choke on them. I try again. “I’ve never shared this with anyone.”

He’s quiet, listening, not trying to urge, or fight, or resist, or encourage, and yet his silence is so encouraging, because I can feel in his hold and in his patience that he wants to hear whatever I have to say, but I can’t say the words I know need to be said.

I start rambling. “I ran away from home when I was sixteen. I couldn’t stand being around my asshole dad anymore. I went to stay with my aunt, who was very welcoming, very generous, and always had been so kind to me, her and my uncle. I knew them both. I had spent plenty of time with them in the past. I trusted them. One night, my uncle came up to my bedroom. My aunt wasn’t there. She was playing bridge with some friends, which she would do occasionally.

“He sat beside me on the bed, and I didn’t really think anything of it. I thought he was being friendly. Although I did think he had this strange look in his eyes that I couldn’t quite understand. Then he put his hand on my leg. He said he wanted to share something with me. I don’t know how, but I knew exactly what he meant. He was a big guy, and I wasn’t really working out back then like I do now, and I knew it was wrong, and I tried to get away, but…”

I stop. I can’t go on, and I can tell by the way Jesse’s face trembles that he’s horrified by what I’m saying.

“I’m not weak,” I fight out. “I’m not a weak person. I didn’t… I couldn’t get away, but I tried, and I kept trying, but nothing was good enough, and then it was over. He said he wanted to take me out to Captain D’s, which is where we would go occasionally. He said I deserved it, and I didn’t know what else to do, so we went, and I’m sitting there in the car next to him, trying to figure out what the fuck just happened, and feeling angry and confused, and he’s acting nice and friendly. Meanwhile, my mind is tripping all over the place. Then we got home, and so did my aunt. She was being warm and friendly, but she could tell something was wrong. She was asking me if I was sick.

“And I was sick. I started throwing up that night. I didn’t know what else to do, but when they went to bed, I got out of there and I started walking down the street. Something in me was terrified that he was following me, that he would figure out I was gone and want to hunt me down. Fortunately, I had enough money that when I made it to the bus stop, I was able to get out of there and into town. I ended up calling a friend who’d graduated from my high school. She was in college at the time, and I asked to stay with her. I just said it was because of my dad. I didn’t mention anything about where I’d stopped after I left him.

“She helped me back on my feet, and it fucked with my head for some time after, but eventually, I got my shit together and tried to push it all out of my head and move on. I didn’t want to carry that for the rest of my life. I thought if I pushed it to the back of my mind, it would eventually go away. Time heals everything, I thought, but I was wrong…so fucking wrong, and I’m so ashamed.”

I burst into tears again. I’m trying to fight them back, but I can’t, not anymore.

“I was raped,” I finally say, and even though these are the words I’ve been horrified of saying for so long, there’s so much relief, and now I know I’m crying for another reason, because this huge weight has been lifted, and I can breathe. I fall against Jesse once again, wrapping my arms around him, and I keep crying and speaking the words again and again.

He’s still quiet, and I wonder what he’s thinking as I weep in his arms.

Finally, he leans close and whispers in my ear, “It’s okay. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

The words almost seem trite, and at the same time, I can feel how much he means them, and I know he’s there for me, and I’m glad I told him, and that he’s here for me tonight, and that I’m not alone.

“I’m so sorry,” I say again. “I’m so sorry I can’t give you what you need. You deserve everything, and I can’t…”

“Shh,” he says. “Don’t talk like that. I care about you, Eric, and I’m glad you felt comfortable sharing that with me, and now that you’ve said all this, I’m even happier that we told Ty tonight.”

I pull away and look at him, unsure of what he means, trying to read his expression.

“Eric…I think I’m falling in love with you.”

“I’m falling in love with you too,” I confess.

Before this moment, I would have been afraid of saying those words, but it’s true. It must be true, because never in my life, with anyone, have I ever felt the need to say those things, to confess what happened to me, but Jesse changed the game, and I’m so glad he did.

“I don’t think I can ever be okay,” I warn him. “I’m broken.”

“You’re not broken,” he tells me, “and you’re not weak. You’re so strong to have made it this long, to have held on to it all on your own, but you don’t have to do this on your own anymore, Eric, because I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere.”

“I don’t know what to do, and I don’t want to drag you down because I’m fucked up.”

“Hey, hey,” he says, stroking his thumb across my cheek. “A really smart guy once told me no one ever gets to where they want to be without a little help.”

I remember speaking those same words to him, and it fucking tears me up inside.

What did I ever do to deserve someone like Jesse?

“God fucking dammit,” I say, wiping the back of my hand across my face. “This wasn’t how tonight was supposed to go.”

Jesse smiles. “This wasn’t how any of this was supposed to go, but here we are.” He keeps stroking his thumb against my cheek, soothing me. “We’re going to get our Ty back, and we’re going to get through all this. I promise you, Eric.”

An ease sweeps through me. Things might look bleak right now, but the relief of everything that’s happened—confessing our secret to Ty, confessing my secret to Jesse—it’s as though a massive weight has been lifted off me, like maybe, just maybe, there’s a way to break through all the darkness.

Jesse pulls close, his lips meeting mine, and I don’t resist him. I can’t. I want to get lost in him.

As we embrace, locking our lips together, feeling our hands up and down one another, I truly appreciate knowing that for the first time in my life, I’m not alone.