Chapter 31
Elijah
I slowly opened my eyes and the thoughts of yesterday filled my mind, but I had to block them out. I had to concentrate on the business and getting my life back to normal. I rolled over in the bed and looked at the empty space where Kendall had spent a few nights. Reaching over, I ran my hand over the bed sheets where she’d been.
I swung my legs out of bed and made my way to the shower. I looked in the mirror and could see a shell of a man standing looking at me. What would happen with my life?
I jumped in the shower and let the hot water flood my body, my nerves tingled as the water cascaded over my body, and the last ounces of sleep left my body. I could feel today would be a strange day, yet I had to get with it. I entered the closet and looked at all the clothes that laid before me. I wanted to choose something that wouldn’t remind me of Kendall and something that would make me feel comfortable.
I got dressed and headed downstairs and imagined Kendall as she opened the door for Bo, but there was no pitter-patter of paws on the kitchen floor, it was just deadly silent. I made a coffee and sat alone at the table, and I imagined the laughter that Kendall had brought to the house. It had reverted to a cold and lonely home as if Kendall had just been a ghost from the past.
I arrived at the office and headed up the elevator, and rather than heading to my office, I walked around the shipping department to see how the early shift had been functioning.
“Morning Elijah,” Jefferson said from behind his computer screen.
“Hey Jefferson, I didn’t think you were on this shift?” I replied.
“I changed for the week, they were one short due to Skyler being ill, so I offered to fill in,” he replied.
“That was good of you, so how is it going?” I asked as I pulled up a chair.
“Things are pretty good at the moment,” he said as he removed his headset.
“Glad to hear it, so tell me, Jefferson, how is the mood of the staff these days?” I asked.
“Oh, it’s much better, and don’t say anything, but I have not heard anyone say they want to leave, but you never heard that from me,” he whispered.
“Never,” I whispered.
I spoke to Jefferson about the staff and how they had been after the party, he had said there had been a total turn around in their attitude to me. At first, they had been skeptical, yet they had seen I had really changed from the complete dick I used to be. Many of the staff would also be more comfortable to open up to me and chat on a normal basis rather than thinking I would blow my top and threaten them with being terminated or punished.
“Can I ask you something?” Jefferson said.
“Yep, shoot.”
“I notice Kendall is not in this morning, do you know where she’s? he asked. “It’s not like her not to be here, she always liked to be here when you arrived, and she always looked happy in the morning when you arrived.”
“It’s a long story, but now is not the time to fill you in on the details.”
“Ah, well I hope she’s alright and comes back soon,” he said.
“Well, I better get to my office and see what’s waiting for me to do,” I stood and returned the chair.
“Okay, Elijah, nice talking with you,” Jefferson said as he replaced his headset.
I left the shipping department and walked down the hallway toward my office, it seemed quiet and still and had no vibrancy and warmth in the atmosphere. I looked at Kendall’s desk and thought of the joy that she brought to this part of the operation.
Her desk laid dormant and still, it had lost its soul and now just appeared to be a remnant of what it used to be. The phone laid silent, and there were no colorful toys that lined the desk, it laid bare and plain and had lost its meaning. It had returned to its life of just being another desk and had lost its sense and purpose. I pictured Kendall sat there as she answered the phone and booked appointments, and all the time she filled the area with color and warmth. All of that had been washed away by one simple action from myself, and I had to live with that decision, not just for today but forever.
I ran my fingers over the desk as I slowly walked to my office. I sat behind my desk and relaxed in the comfort of my chair. I looked at Kendall’s empty desk and already missed her, no longer could I call her to come to the office and pretend to give notes so I could be close to her, I had lost all of that and more, she had started to become a companion, and I ended it.
I had known it was the best thing to do, I missed Kendall, but I couldn’t harm or hurt her like I had done with the others in my life. This feeling would pass, and she would be safer away from me. I had wished it had not had to come to that solution.
I busied myself through the morning and had on occasion started to call Kendall until I realized she had gone and was no longer a part of the company and my life. It was a sad fact, and you can be dealt these sorts of cards by life, but you had to muster on and go forward.
I looked up when someone knocked on the door.
“Morning Elijah, can I come in?” Peter said as he popped his head around the door.
“Yes, sure, come on in,” I replied.
Peter grabbed a chair and started to talk about things that had happened over the past couple of days.
“So, what’s all this with Kendall?” Peter asked.
“Well, I had to do it, I had to protect her from myself,” I replied. “Is she okay working for you?”
“Yep, sure, she will be a great asset, you know that but that is not what I mean,” Peter replied.
“Look, I had a good talk with Mom yesterday, and I found out a lot about myself, and I didn’t like it,” I explained. “I had been a dick for whatever reason, and I had hurt you and Mom so much. It fucking makes me sick. I had to make sure I wouldn’t do it to anyone else who is close to me.”
“So, you thought the solution was to let Kendall go? To just end it?” Peter asked.
“I had to do it, I couldn’t see any other solution. I could hurt her the same was as I hurt you, and I’m not prepared to do it. I had become a person not to be liked by anyone, and having someone I care about in that position would be a cross that is too much to bear,” I said.
“It’s a strange way of looking at it, but if that is your decision, I’m not the one to make you look at it any differently,” Peter said. “You have to do what you feel is the best for you.”
“I know that, but I have hurt more than enough people in my life, and I don’t have to add Kendall to that list,” I said. “She shouldn’t suffer because of me.” My shoulders slumped.
“Well, that is a shame, because I think you’ve already added her to that list by your actions,” Peter explained.
I thought about what Peter said, and I could still not see that there had been another solution. I had lost my memory, and the way I was could just be temporary. And the more I learned about myself, the easier it could be for me to slip back into the person I used to be. If that happened, I would just look at Kendall as a thing to use and not as a real person with feelings. The way I had ended it was harsh, but it could save her from a lifetime of sorrow and resentment.
Peter had to head off, and I asked him to take care of Kendall and make sure she didn’t dwell on things too much, especially me. She should look forward to the future and get on with the life that she so deserved.
“See you soon Peter,” I said as he left the office. “Take care.”
“You to Elijah, you too,” he replied sadly.
I had had enough for the day. I had become bogged down in my thoughts. I felt heavy. I decided to leave the office and head off home early.
When I arrived home, the place still felt empty and lifeless. It had quickly become a shell, a lifeless shell and one I had to sit in alone. I walked around the house and looked at all the spots where Kendall and I had interacted, the kitchen, the living room and the bedroom. Short memories that had been made were enough to last a lifetime, but the opportunity to create much more had gone. I could feel myself starting to feel worse as I headed back to the living room.
I poured myself a drink and sat on the couch. My hand rested where Kendall and I had made love. I imagined the warmth of her body and fought against the images in my skull, because they would only make me feel worse. I leaned forward to place my glass on the coffee table and noticed the photo album I had shown to Kendall. I picked it up and started to look at some of the pictures of my past and painful childhood.
I looked at the picture of Peter and me together as kids. We looked happy and close. The later the pictures were taken and there were less where we appeared together. I only showed up with Dad. I realized this wasn’t just a photo album of my past. It was a timeline of events that had led up to this moment.
I summed it up in my mind, and it tormented me, I had a brother who loved me and had protected me, my mother had cheated on my dad and had asked me to keep a dark secret. A wedge had been forced between my parents, and my dad couldn’t fight the betrayal and had struck out with his drinking and his being abusive. Still, Peter had tried to remain close to me, but I had slowly pushed him away to the point of non-existence.
Finally, Dad had died, and both Mom and Peter held no importance in my life, and I had found that I really had no concern for their wellbeing whatsoever, and I had almost banished them from my mind.
As I sat there and looked at the album, I started to feel like shit, and deep inside myself, I wished that my accident had not happened so I wouldn’t have to deal with these emotions. If I had been my old self, none of this would have happened, and I wouldn’t be sat here feeling like a tormented soul who felt more lost and alone.
Nice guys always finish last…