I have never felt so awful in my entire life. My mouth was completely dry and even the simple act of blinking made my head pound. I found a lukewarm glass of water on my side table. I took a sip and nearly gagged.

Prior to this moment, I’ve only been blackout drunk once in my life. It was my twentieth birthday and I was trying too hard to fit in with all of the seasoned drinkers. The party was at my home, so I just walked to my bed and went to sleep when the party was over.

The only memories I lost were two guys making bets on who was going to sleep with me at the end of the night. Honestly, I’m glad I don’t remember that.

I struggled to come up with recollections from last night. I remember dancing with Donny, with his wandering hands and sweaty torso. I remember being annoyed at Martin for some reason.

I remembered some foul tasting shots, and then I quickly tried to put the memory of alcohol out of my head before I was sick. So how did I get home and into bed? There’s usually an after party for these things, so maybe I went to a dorm and had more drinks.

I could hear Sasha in the kitchen, but I was afraid that I would throw up if I opened my mouth to call for her. I pursed my lips and groaned as loud as my body would allow. This caught her attention.

“Good afternoon, Sleeping Beauty,” she said.

“What time is it?” I groaned.

“One-thirty. I was going to bring you breakfast, but figured that you needed to sleep.”

“What happened last night? How did I get home?”

“You drank a ridiculous amount of alcohol. Then, you took Martin up on his offer to go to his after party. I came back here with Reg and we were hanging out on the couch when Martin came in with you draped over his shoulder.”

“Wait, what?”

“He said you threw up outside of the bar and you refused to move. He wasn’t going to leave you there, so he picked you up and carried you back here. He even took your shoes off and tucked you into bed. It was pretty sweet, really.”

“Are you kidding me? And what was I doing while this was happening?”

“Well, you were passed out when he came in. But I heard you talking to him in your bedroom, so you must have woken up at some point.”

I groaned. “What did we talk about?”

“I couldn’t hear very well, but at one point, I think you called him an asshole. But, then you also said he was nice, so I’m not exactly sure what all was said.”

A whole new wave of nausea washed over me. How could I ever look him in the eye again? I was terrified that I said something extremely embarrassing to him.

Did he try to make any moves on me? Or maybe worse, did I try anything with him? The only way to find out was to talk to Martin, but I wasn’t about to do that. Maybe we could forget all about it if it were never spoken of again.

“Martin must have been pretty wasted too, right?” I asked hopefully.

“No, he seemed pretty sober,” Sasha replied.

My head fell back on my pillow. So much for him blacking out too.

“You look terrible,” Sasha said. “I’m going to the store. I’ll pick up a sports drink and some crackers for you.”

“Thank you,” I said weakly.

“Go easy on yourself. You’re not the first college student to blackout, it happens to the best of us.”

“Yeah, but I completely embarrassed myself,” I cried.

“Oh, and go easy on him too. He’s a good guy,” she said.

“I’m not so sure about that,” I replied.

“He carried you all the way home from the bar. How is that not nice?”

“Well, then he’s been nice to me once in the past four years.”

“You know he’s into you, right?”

I shook my head. “I saw him talking to a girl last night. They looked pretty close.”

Sasha laughed. “I think that was just his cousin.”

“Gross. He would be in love with his cousin.”

Sasha gave me an exasperated look and sighed. She walked out of my room and gently shut the door behind her.

I didn’t know how to explain my level of shame to her. I wasn’t that upset about throwing up and having to be carried home. I was no stranger to crazy party girls; I grew up with a lot of those types. Why did it have to be Martin? I have classes with him and we have mutual friends. There was no way I could forget that I let my guard down around him when I see him regularly.

I dug through my purse and eventually found my phone. Luckily, I didn’t make any drunken phone calls or send any text messages. Maybe it was best to address the situation head on and then move on. I started typing out a message to Martin.

Hey, I heard some stuff about last night and I’m not proud of it but I-

I erased the draft and started over.

Thanks for taking care of me last night

I quickly backspaced. I didn’t want him to think there were any feelings involved in anything that happened last night.

Sorry about last night, I just want to put this behind me

I turned off my phone and tossed it on the ground beside me. I should know better than to send a message to a boy the night after a party. It was nothing but an invitation to talk more. I wanted the opposite. I didn’t want to feel like I owed him anything, especially an explanation.

In that moment, I decided it was best to ignore him. He wouldn’t notice any difference and I could preserve the last shred of dignity I had. If I could forget about him, I could forget about telling him that he’s nice.

I groaned and shielded my face from the sun with one of my pillows. If I could forget the events of the night once, surely I could forget them again.