My stomach growls so loudly I hear it over the music blaring in my SUV as I pull into the Waffle House parking lot. I spot all the usual cars. Inside, I find my parents wearing matching red shirts because they’re lame that way. Along with the other usual suspects, Poet and Bianca Bella sit with Cricket and the mini-twins.

“Geez, I’m surprised you didn’t invite the West Virginia clan to join us for breakfast,” I tell Cricket who waves enthusiastically.

Cap sits with his long legs stretched out of the booth and asks, “Where’s your woman?”

“At her place, sleeping probably. Why are you all here?”

“We’re always here,” Bianca Bella says sitting next to Murphy and Minnow who feed each other food.

“We wanted to meet her,” Cricket says, rushing to my side. “Did your personality frighten her away?”

“Leave him be,” Hayes says without any real effort. “He’s clearly unsure how to close the deal with this girl.”

“She’s Chevelle’s aunt,” Mom says. “Maybe she shares a genetic repulsion to the best men.”

“Ah, thanks, Mom,” I say, kissing her cheek. “I am the best.”

“So where’s Tatum?” Cricket asks, pulling at my jacket. “We all got up early to meet her.”

“You’ll meet her soon enough. I hired her as my assistant.”

“Oh, bad move,” Poet says from the booth next to his kids’. “Work relationships rarely pan out.”

“Uh, Candy and Hayes met at work,” Cricket tells her hubby.

“Yeah, and they were the exception to the rule. Seems unlikely for two exceptions to happen in the same family.”

“Stop with your logic,” she says and grabs me again. “Chipper deserves love. He’s so fucking lonely, and no woman has ever wanted him for more than sex and his bank account. This might be his last chance to avoid ending up as a cat man-lady.”

“He’s twenty-six,” Hayes points out. “He has time.”

“Why, because you were sixty when you found love?”

Mom snickers. “Sixty.”

“Off by a few decades there, kid,” Hayes mutters.

“Whatever,” Cricket says, sighing loudly. “I’m so disappointed Tatum didn’t walk through that door. I planned for us to wrap her in our love and acceptance.”

“You, without a doubt, would have made her cry.”

“Oh,” Cricket says, stepping back. “Is she the sensitive type like your old assistant, what’s her name?”

“No,” I lie and then realize lying is the wrong move. “Yes, but it’s because her mother just died of cancer.”

They give me a collective “aww,” and I nod at their sad faces. Well, not Minnow and Murphy who remain oblivious to the adults around them. They’re more interested in the waffle stuck to Murphy’s dark brown hair.

“Tatum has experience with kids,” I announce while sitting on the stool next to Mom. “She could watch the mini-twins.”

“That’s my job,” Bianca Bella says, gesturing to how she’s sitting next to them right then.

“I know, but you’re drunk a lot, so I thought Cricket might want a backup sitter.”

“Uh, that’s my job,” Mom mumbles while sipping coffee.

“Fine, she won’t watch the mini-twins. What do I care?”

“When does she start?” Hayes asks, struggling to start a normal conversation.

“Tomorrow, I guess. I don’t want to rush her.”

“How did last night with Bonn go?” Cricket asks.

“She panicked about meeting him, so we bailed on dinner and spent the evening alone.”

“That’s sweet. I love when you reveal your inner romantic,” Cricket says, sitting on the stool next to me. “Have you banged her yet?”

“No.”

“Are you certain she isn’t repulsed by you? I only ask because I was on Poet’s dick like ten minutes after we met.”

Hayes gives Poet a dirty look, but the younger man only lifts his coffee and winks.

“Unlike the trashy whore you were when you met him, Tatum is a virgin.”

“Eww,” Bianca Bella says, and the mini-twins giggle. “Throw her back and keep fishing for a better catch.”

“Why is everyone so weird this morning?”

Mom leans her head against my shoulder. “They really wanted to meet this girl. It’s all they babbled about last night at dinner.”

“As much as I’d love to show off Tatum, I rushed her into meeting Bonn, and she suffered a panic attack so bad that I thought she might pass out on me. I learned my lesson and plan to take things slower.”

Hayes gives me a favorable nod. “That’s smart. I remained patient with Candy, and you know how that worked out.”

“Patient,” Mom mutters. “From day one, he sent signals about how much he wanted my body. Shit, I nearly had to take out a restraining order.”

Hayes and Mom share a grin, making me uncomfortable to know they imagine fucking. Glancing over at where Cricket now sits with Poet, I see them fondling each other under the table. The mini-twins have no idea how gross their parents are, though Bianca Bella will inform them soon enough. I wonder if I’ll be as obviously horny one day in front of my children. Tatum seems like the kind of woman who wouldn’t view “riding dick” as polite breakfast topic.

Then again, Tatum thought she didn’t like Chinese food until I introduced it to her. Possibly, after showering her with more of my bad influence, she’ll become as horribly inappropriate as the people I love.