Amy and I drove home from Irons mostly in silence. We attempted a scene tonight, and while she made it pretty far, the cane proved to be too much for her.

I had just found my stride when she began to buckle. I knew she could have taken more, but she was letting her mind win. Though I knew she was near her breaking point, I continued on with a few more lashes of the cane, hoping she’d regroup and push her fear away.

But she didn’t. Her mind wasn’t strong enough to endure more, and she gave into fear. Amy hadn’t uttered her safe word yet, but I knew it was near that point. A cough that was deliberately loud enough to catch my attention came from the dungeon hallway. I turned my head and made eye contact with Blake.

Blake stared at me and held his hands up with his fingers spread and palms facing me. This was a non-verbal cue at Irons to stop what you’re doing, settle down and count to ten, and then reassess or regroup.

I sighed and nodded, ending our scene. I didn’t speak to her much during our short stint of after care, and she was quiet too. As Amy and I left the care station, Bracken was being guided to a care station by Everett and Graves.

You’ve got to be fucking kidding me?

Bracken’s face was flush and her eyes somewhat glazed as they walked past me. Her back was red, but no skin was broken. I felt the need to say something even though I probably should have kept quiet.

“Bracken, I hope you learned that these tag-teamers can’t give you what you need. Not like me. Not like our time.”

Bracken was now sitting on Colin’s lap, smiling in her daze. I figured she was in sub-space. Those two fucking guys put her in sub-space. They don’t even play hard! I knew Graves needed it rough, and I think Colin keeps him on a short chain with that.

“They were pretty amazing,” Bracken said loud enough for me to hear.

My comeback was about to come out, but I stalled when Anthony stood and made his way toward me. He had that smirk on his face; the one I wanted to knock off his face permanently.

“Hi, Amy,” Anthony acknowledged Amy with a fucking smile. His smile dropped when he looked at me. “Paul, if you don’t mind keeping it down, please. Bracken had an intense scene, and we’d like to bring her down quietly. Please respect that.” He turned to walk back toward their care station. I was fuming and embarrassed.

I shouldn’t have called out to them. As much of assholes as they are, I shouldn’t have disrupted them with the care of the submissive.

I knew better. I’m starting to lose control.

I was beyond irked that Everett and Graves took that girl to sub-space when I hadn’t. They weren’t better than me.

I looked down at Amy and saw the sadness in her eyes. Shit. I wondered for a moment if she put anything together about my recent visits to Irons without her. Bracken was my go-to masochist that I’d scene with when I came alone. Amy was smart, but I’m not sure if she put any of that together. I had told her I was attending study groups for my re-certification exam but really, I was visiting Irons.

When we pulled up to the house, I noticed a car that was parked in front of my house. It was a junky car and stuck out like a sore thumb in the neighborhood. After I parked in the garage, I slowly walked out to the driveway and tried to get a closer look at the car. As I walked down the driveway the door opened, casting light inside the car.

“Amy, go inside,” I said over my shoulder and then returned my attention to the mystery person.

“Paul?” the man called out in a familiar voice.

I squinted in the darkness at the man. Johnny?

“Johnny? Is that you?” I asked as I hurried toward him.

“Hey, Paul. Good to see you, brother,” Johnny managed to get out right before a terrible sounding cough took over.

“What are you doing here? Come on inside out of the wind,” I insisted and walked into the house with my brother.

Under the lights inside, I could tell that he was sick again. I guided him to the couch, and Amy put some coffee on. After I introduced Johnny to Amy, I cut to the chase of his visit. He was obviously here for something, and I was surprised he had driven this far alone.

“Johnny, what’s going on? Showing up unannounced isn’t like you, plus it’s such a long drive.”

Johnny looked down and then back at me. He wore a smile that barely turned upward at the corners of his mouth. He looked as calm as could be.

“I’m dying, Paul.”

I shook my head and cocked a smile.

“Technically everyone is dying each day. With every breath, they are inching closer to their own demise. You’re not—”

“Paul, listen to me. This is it, man. It’s back again, and I am tired of fighting.”

“No!” I stood up and paced around my living room. “So, you decide to drive to town and tell me goodbye? Is that it?”

“Paulie, I’m so tired of fighting.”

“Fuck you! You don’t get to throw in the goddamn towel!”

“Calm down, Paul.”

“How did this happen? Just like, overnight? There’s still time and options. We have plenty of options!”

“Couple of months ago, my blood test showed that it was back—”

“A couple of months ago?” I yelled. “Johnny, you’ve had the news for a few months, and you haven’t told me? Why the fuck not?”

“Because! I’m tired of living in and out of hospitals!”

“You are living!”

“No, I’m not, Paulie. I’m not living. I’m existing. Barely. My clock is about up.”

I flopped back down on the couch next to him. My world was falling apart.

“I’m tired, Paul.”

I was shocked. My brother’s cancer was back, and he’s not going to do a goddamn fucking thing. After a long silence, I threw my arms up in the air.

“So, what’s the plan, Johnny? Just give up?”

“I’m trying to do the things that I’ve wanted to do. I’ll continue to take the medicine to prolong my life, but I’m not going to undergo any more surgeries.”

My eyes perked up. He wasn’t giving up completely. He just didn’t want any more operations.

“How long are you in town?”

“Just overnight. I’m driving back tomorrow. I just wanted to see you again just in case something happens unexpectedly.”

Amy stood up, and my eyes immediately went to hers.

“I’m going to turn in for the evening and let you guys talk.” Amy gave me a kiss and turned to look at my brother. “It was a pleasure meeting you, Johnny. J.P. speaks of you often.”

“Ha, don’t believe anything he tells you,” Johnny winked at her.

We watched Amy leave the room and then Johnny spoke up.

“She seems like a great woman. This is the author chick?”

“Yeah,” I replied as my stomach began turning.

“She knows about your kinks?” he asked.

I nodded.

“She does. She’s very tolerant and loving.”

We stayed up talking until two in the morning and then I retreated to my room so he could get some sleep before his long drive tomorrow. Amy was asleep, but there was no chance in hell that I’d be able to sleep. I stayed awake worrying, and once it was a decent enough hour, I called my other brother to see what his take on this was.

“I’m not happy about it either, Paul, but we have to respect his wishes.”

“His wish to die? Fuck that, Jay. We’re family.”

“I know that, but he says he’s done with the operations. Did he mention to you the surgery that his doctor thinks he’d be a good candidate for?”

I sat up straighter and thought back to our conversation last night.

“No, what surgery?”

“Apparently there is a surgery that could add years to his life.”

“Why wouldn’t he bring it up?” I asked.

“Cost, Paul. It’s ungodly.”

“This is his life, Jay! Cost shouldn’t be associated with life.”

“Well, know any rich people?”

A few came to mind.

“I will get the money,” I promised. “How much can you contribute?” I asked my brother and grabbed a notepad next to the bed.

“I can’t, Paul. We’ve had layoffs at work, and I could be next. I’ve already gone through our savings—”

I tossed my pen down.

“This is our brother’s life. We’re not going to let him down.”

“Paul, he doesn’t want it.”

“Maybe he’s saying he doesn’t want it because he doesn’t think it’s possible. We can pool our resources like always—”

“No, Paul. I can’t.”

Enraged, I hung up on him. When Amy wrapped her arm around me, I explained what Jay said on the phone.

“I’m not giving up on Johnny, and I’m not letting him give up,” I swore to her.

“Maybe we can figure something out. We can consider selling my car. I don’t really need it anymore,” Amy offered.

My heart felt lighter.

“You would consider doing that?” I asked.

“Of course. He’s your brother.”

“I love you, Amy. Thank you, princess.”

I pulled her closer and kissed her hard. Even though her Audi was a few years old, I’m sure we could still get at least $20,000 for it.

While Amy got dressed, I went to the kitchen and started breakfast while Johnny kept me company. I told him that I talked to Jay this morning and that I was going to get him the money for surgery.

“What?” he asked me as if he couldn’t believe what I was saying.

“I will get the money.”

“Paul, the waiting list for that surgery is extensive. There are only a few surgeons that perform it.”

“Then you better get on the list, Johnny.”

“They require a partial payment upfront.”

Of course, they fucking do. I didn’t voice it, but when did health care become a fucking business instead of a humanitarian effort?

Over breakfast, we talked a bit more about the surgery that I knew nothing about. And it was then that I discovered something that made me completely lose my appetite…his cancer had spread to his brain. This is why the surgery was so expensive and why only a few surgeons did this kind of operation.

For the rest of the conversation, I slowly sipped coffee. Slow sips were all that I could do. But for the first time in the past twelve hours, I saw hope in my brother’s eyes. I put that hope there, and I wasn’t going to be the one to take it away either.

I hugged my brother before he got into his car and I flat out refused a long goodbye. This wasn’t going to be the last time I saw him. I’d get the money for his surgery, and he’d make it.

“I will wire you the down payment tomorrow when the banks open. Get your name on the list, Johnny.”

Amy and I waved as he drove away and then I put my mind to work on coming up with a plan to get the money. The first call I placed was to Blake.