“So, what did he say, again?” Samantha asked me for what seemed like the tenth time.

“He just said that something came up and he couldn’t talk that night. J.P. said he needed some time to deal with it.”

It had been two days since I talked to J.P. on the phone. We had been exchanging texts, but I was getting worried. Something was up.

“Um, have you checked his Kinky Links account?” Samantha cautiously asked.

“No, why?” I asked and quickly walked to my desk and logged in.

“I think I know what came up, Aims.”

I looked at his most recent uploads and a guy who had been flogged and caned came up. All I could do was stare. These were uploaded that night when he said he couldn’t talk. Tears welled in my eyes because all I could think of was that I wasn’t good enough for him.

“That’s not that guy he’s obsessed with, is it?”

I leaned forward looking for that guy’s scar. I didn’t see it and sniffled.

“Aw, Aims. Amy Johnson Andrews, are you crying?”

I laughed through my tears when she called me by my legal name and pen name.

“Amy, don’t cry.”

“I won’t be enough for him,” I cried.

“Aims, you are good enough.”

“Yeah, I think we know what came up. He needed something else…someone else.”

“No, not necessarily. I mean…so he uploaded new pictures. Maybe they’re not from that night.” I considered her theory. “He said something came up, trust him. He hasn’t lied to you yet.”

Samantha was right. He hasn’t lied to me.

“I mean, yeah he kind of creepily stalked you at numerous book events, across the country.” I laughed at her playful voice as she made me feel better. “But he’s never lied to you.”

“I know. You’re right. But, what if –”

“Amy, the man would travel hours just to see you across the room.”

Samantha was right. He traveled across the country to see me. We have something special…I’m just not certain what.

* * *

It was Sunday when J.P. and I got on the phone with one another. The verbal distance was driving me crazy. It also had me on high alert as to what, if anything, was being uploaded onto Kinky Links. I thought that maybe we were out of the woods regarding pictures, but Saturday night brought a fresh set of pictures.

As I spent some time looking at the wounds and marks on each new picture, doubt found its way into my mind. The reality of this was that I obviously was not enough.

“Hi,” I said into the phone.

It was awkward at first and I felt like I was talking to a stranger.

“I’m worried, J.P.”

“I’m sorry, princess for the distance. Something happened last week, and I haven’t felt like talking about it.”

“So, you don’t want to talk to me about it, but you run to Irons to beat on someone?”

My heart was pounding as I bravely announced my observation.

“Amy, you know I don’t play angry. You need to settle down.”

“Settle down? J.P., you tell me that I matter and you check in on me and look after me from a different state. I get a sense of being wanted by that, and then suddenly you drop off the face of the earth and cite that ‘something came up’. The next thing I know is pictures pop up online of two beaten bodies. So, at this point, I really don’t know what’s going on,” I ranted as I paced.

There. I threw everything out there. He was quiet, and the silence gave me the courage to continue firing my mouth off.

“I’m not one of your spineless—”

“Stop Amy. NO ONE that steps into a dungeon cell with me is spineless. Not a one.”

I sat down and took a deep breath. He was right, and I knew better.

“I’m sorry, J.P.”

“Spineless doesn’t do a thing for me, Amy. There’s no challenge to me for someone who isn’t mentally tough. You know this.”

I sighed. I have learned since the start of our friendship that J.P. is quick and likes smart women. He doesn’t search for doormat personalities.

“There’s a disconnect between us right now, and I accept responsibility for that, but I will not tolerate a verbal attack on anyone that I’ve played with. Don’t let your insecurities cause your mouth to run about my prior play partners. Every single one of them is respected, and they embody strength.”

I felt horrible and didn’t even know what to say. Instead of feeling in control of the conversation, within seconds the tables had been flipped, and he calmly took control.

Was I jealous of the fact that he’s still playing at Irons? Sort of. I wanted to be those people. I wanted to be enough for him. My silence prompted him to start talking again.

“We’ve talked about this, Amy, and are in agreement that there are certain times when I need to be rough.”

“I want to be what you need,” I confessed. “Why can’t you do that rough stuff to me?”

“Amy, go look at those pictures again and think very hard about what you’re touting that you want. That young man that I took the cane to missed two days of his university classes because he couldn’t walk without hurting. And trust me, I want to do things to you that I’m not sure you can handle yet.”

Yet. He said yet. Yet means he wants to get me to that point so I could take what he needed to give out.

“For your next few visits, we will go to the club, and you can be there to watch me in a heavy scene. I want you to really see what you say you want. Because, I can dish it out, princess, but I need you to be able to walk away from it unharmed.”

“Okay, thank you.”

“Now, moving on. Last week I found out my brother’s cancer is back. He needs to have surgery and my oldest brother and I had to work on figuring out the finances for the surgery. I’m sorry that I was distant and aloof, but I needed time to handle it.”

“What? Oh, God, I’m so sorry. If I had known—”

“If you had known, you would have acted how society tells you to act in these situations. You would have said you were sorry and walked on eggshells around me.”

“I would have understood your need for the scenes at Irons, and I wouldn’t have mouthed off about nothing more than you having a need met.”

“Either way, it was still a need. The reasoning behind it was irrelevant.”

I tried to absorb and understand this.

A need was still a need…the reasoning behind it is irrelevant.

I leaned back against the cushions of the couch as I listened to him talk about his brother. His brother had lung cancer and needed to have surgery to remove part of a lobe in the affected lung. The recovery time wasn’t known yet for him.

We talked for another hour about his brother, and by the time we got off the phone, I felt closer to J.P. I felt like we were okay and I could see the vision that he had for us. He wanted me to get to that place that he needs, but he’d be patient. He said it’s crucial that we don’t rush my progress.

I could handle it.

I wanted this.