Chapter 29 – Hope
“What’s wrong?”
The sun was beginning to set when Darren made it back home. He came in to find me crying as I had been for hours. He was worried that something was wrong. And he was right.
“My mom came and I was in the kitchen cooking wearing nothing but a robe. I thought that it would be sexy for you to come home and see me like that. I had no idea that she would be walking in. She called me a whore!”
I collapsed in a fit of tears, unable to speak.
Darren didn’t move or say anything at first.
Finally, he said, “You aren’t a whore.”
The way that he said it was so matter of fact. I knew that he was right, but that didn’t keep my mother’s words from playing over and over in my head.
“I may not be a whore, but my mother is right. This is not the way that I imagined that it would be for me to have my first child.”
The look of disappointment that clouded Darren’s face was visible even through my tears, all the way from across the room. He looked like a balloon that the air had been let out of. His shoulders slumped forward and his head hung down low.
He stood there staring at the floor. I might have thought that he’d fallen asleep if it hadn’t been for him letting out a deep sigh. Then he straightened back up, his broad chest jutted out as if he meant business. He was back into that take charge mode that I adored.
“I hoped that you might start feeling comfortable with our arrangement. I understand that she’s your mother and what she said really hurt you. But, is there any way that you and I can have our understanding and continue with our arrangement? I’m willing to do whatever it takes to make sure that you’re okay. I think that I’ve more than shown that I’ll do that. I can’t have you changing your mind about our agreement every time someone disapproves. This is a strange situation but you’re just going to have to deal with it, or not. But let me know now, please, because I was thinking we had a sure thing going on.”
Now, it was my turn to feel guilty.
“No, I understand. You have been wonderful,” I told him. “But, that’s my mother. My mother is my everything. We have been through so much together. You don’t understand how much it hurt me to see her upset because of something that I’d done. I have been the one to help make her smile when things go wrong, not be the cause of why she cries and gets upset.”
Darren came over and sat at the foot of the bed. He looked at me, his eyes almost begging me to understand him. I felt so torn. I wanted Darren to have what he wanted, what we had already agreed upon, but I also didn’t want to risk losing my mother and our relationship. I didn’t think that I could bear that, especially after already having lost my father.
I was so confused. One minute I was determined to stay, even though it meant hurting my mother, and now I felt lead to go comfort her, even though it meant hurting Darren. Why did I have to choose one over the other.
“I’m so sorry, Darren. I just feel so torn right now. I don’t know what to do.”
There. I’d said it.
He nodded slowly.
“You know what?” he said, resolutely. “Fine. I really don’t want you to do something that you aren’t comfortable doing. And, to be honest, I don’t want to keep getting my hopes up waiting for something that will probably never happen. I think that it might be best for you to just go back home. If you could do me the favor of waiting until after the visit with Bryant, I would appreciate it.”
“I can do that,” I said. “I’ll call my mom and tell her to send the money back to you, too.”
Darren shook his head.
“You won’t do that at all. I said that I wanted to help you and I meant that. Of course, I wish that things would have worked out differently, but I understand where you’re coming from. Plus, I know that you only agreed to this to help your family out of the financial bind that you have been in.”
I looked at him, with mixed feelings of gratefulness and guilt.
“ If you can stay until after the visit with Bryant, that will be you satisfying your part of the agreement in my eyes, for the down payment portion of it at least,” Darren continued. “Even if I can’t have the baby and the life that I want, at least I can pretend for the weekend and have an amazing time with my son. And you can keep the $75,000 that I’d wired.”
I felt terrible, but I was also grateful that he was being so kind. I began to fear my mother would disown me if I went through with this. I only had one family. I couldn’t give up on them. And yet, I couldn’t help but think, I only had one Darren. One guy who had taken my virginity. And stolen my heart in the process.
I hated sitting still without being active. I liked to stay moving rather than wallow in my thoughts. So, I started packing my things so that as soon as the visit with Bryant was over, I could leave quietly. But with each item I packed, my indecision mounted even more.
Should I stay or should I go?
I really couldn’t decide, and I hated that I couldn’t decide.
At least I could do Darren the favor of the visit with his son. We could pretend to be happy for a little longer, before reality shattered our dreams.