Chapter 4

 

The moment the seatbelt sign went off, Callum unfastened his, then undid his tie. He glanced down at Macy, who was still fast asleep in the seat next to him. He sighed as he looked at her little face, all blotchy and swollen from all the tears she had cried.

He had expected that there might be some tears, given the highly emotional day that it was, but nothing had prepared him for just how upset Macy would become, or how it had completely broken his heart.

At first, everything seemed to be going okay. When he called to the house before the funeral, Macy had seemed genuinely happy to see him. She had greeted him with an excited hug and a kiss when he walked into the sunroom where she was once more playing with her dolls.

Then, while they were at the funeral, she hardly moved from his side. He loved how her little fingers wrapped around Callum’s index finger tightly every time someone stopped to talk to her, and she would bury her little face in his leg. It made him feel like she trusted him enough to protect her. It was the most amazing feeling in the world.

However, when it was time for them to leave, things changed pretty dramatically. When they were saying their goodbyes to Sarah and her family, Sarah got upset, which upset Macy, She refused to leave with Callum. She clung to Sarah, sobbing uncontrollably. Nothing Callum said or did seemed to make even the tiniest bit of difference.

In the end, Sarah had to put her into the car that was taking them to the airport. Macy screamed bloody murder as they pulled away from the house, sobbing until she passed out from sheer exhaustion.

She didn’t even wake when Callum climbed out of the town car they had hired for the day, scooping her up in his arms, carrying her up the steps to the private jet.

“I need to use the bathroom,” Callum said quietly, as he stood up and looked over at Landen. “Will you watch her?”

“Sure,” Landen said, looking up from the newspaper, giving Callum a smile.

Callum walked down towards the back of the jet and slipped into the bathroom.

Once inside, he blew out a long, exhausted breath, staring at himself in the mirror in the small bathroom. He was tired and emotionally drained. He had been foolish enough to believe that this transition was actually going to be easy. Now he knew that it was anything but.

He wished that Carolynn had just told him about Macy to begin with, and maybe, just maybe, all this would have been somehow easier.

He rubbed the tiredness from his eyes, then reached into his inside pocket, pulling out an envelope that Sarah had given him before he left for the airport. He walked to the toilet, sitting down, he looked down at the manila envelope in his hand for a few moments.

Callum recognised the writing on the envelope; he remembered exactly how Carolynn used to write his name. She would always leave little notes everywhere. He smiled at that memory, but his heart felt sad.

Running his fingers across the words on the letter, he wondered what it was that Carolynn had said to him. He knew the only way he would know was to read it, but opening it was harder than he thought it would be.

Still, he knew he needed to give her a voice, one last time.

Taking a deep breath, he slipped his finger beneath the seal, carefully tearing it opened. Easing the paper out of the envelope, he opened it up before he could change his mind, then began to read.

Dear Callum,

Surprise!

Okay, bad joke.

I guess if you’re reading this, it means I’m gone, and more importantly, you’ve met Macy.

Isn’t she amazing!

She reminds me so much of you, it’s uncanny. She is smart, determined and focused… oh and she loves banana and peanut butter anything. She is such a funny, sweet little girl. I know you’ll love her as much as I do.

I wish I could be there to see you two together. I bet she already has you wrapped around her little finger.

I know you probably have so many questions, and I’m sorry I’m not there to answer them. The truth is, I’m a coward. I just couldn’t face you to tell you that I made the biggest mistake of my life, the day I decided not to tell you about Macy. Nor could I stand to watch you with her, knowing that you will get to see her growing up, and I won’t.

Maybe that makes me sound jealous, and maybe I am, but knowing I will not be there, is breaking my heart. This is so just hard, and so unfair. I won’t get to throw her a sweet sixteen birthday party. I won’t be there on her wedding day to tell her all the things a mother should tell her daughter, and I won’t get to see you walking her down the aisle.

I won’t be there the day she has a baby, when she understands finally just how much I love her, because she knows that love too. I will miss it all.

Promise me you will be there for her in my place. Promise me you will tell her how much I love her every chance you get.

Callum, you were the love of my life. There I said it. Maybe you felt the same, maybe you didn’t, but I loved you. I loved you so much sometimes I couldn’t even breathe when I thought about you. I should have never left. Leaving you was my biggest regret.

I want you to tell Macy every chance you can, that she came from love, and that she was my proudest achievement.

Okay, now is the serious part.

I need you to make me a promise. I need you to promise me you’ll teach her to have fun. I need you to promise me that you’ll make her happy, every single day. I need you to promise me that she will know how much we both love her.

Callum Murphy, you are the best man I know, but… you knew there was a but coming, I need you to remember to have fun too. I need you to learn to love, yes love. Cal. Life is for living, not existing. Fall madly in love with someone who makes your heart race, and your mind spin. Teach Macy what true love is. Make a life for you both.

And know that, if there is a heaven, I will be up there, watching out for you and for our little girl every single day.

Think of me from time to time, and love our girl for us both.

Love, Carolynn x.

 

Callum wiped the tears that were now streaming down his face. He wished more than anything that Carolynn was there with him right at that moment. Macy needed her, and if he was honest, he needed her too.

He blew out a long, calming breath as he folded the letter, before he stood up, slipping it back into his pocket. Walking back to the sink, he turned on the water, splashing some on his face. It didn’t matter what he wanted or needed, right now Macy needed him. She needed him to get her through this as best as he could.

It was almost seven when Callum, Landen and Macy arrived back at Callum’s apartment. Amelia had called while they were in the car, telling them that she was at Callum’s with Henry, also that Nell and Sean were there too.

Callum half wanted to tell them all to just go home, to give him and Macy a little space, but he knew his mother would not leave it until she had seen him, and more importantly, Macy.

Nell’s reaction to Callum’s news had been a little mixed. She was heartbroken to hear about Carolynn. Nell had always been very fond of Carolynn. She was so disappointed when she and Callum split up. She seemed happy at the news she had a granddaughter, but Callum could hear the hurt in her voice that he had waited so long to tell her.

As they rode up in the elevator, he looked down at Macy, who was standing between him and Landen, holding his hand tightly. Though she hadn’t cried since she woke up on the plane, she hadn’t said a word either. Callum had no clue how to reach his little girl.

He looked up from Macy to Landen, and Callum was surprised to find his brother watching him. The moment their eyes met, Landen gave him a smile.

“You know everything is going to be okay,” Landen assured him in a quiet voice. “You just need to give it time.”

Callum nodded but before he could reply, the elevator came to a stop, and the doors slowly opened. Landen stepped off the elevator, walking straight to the door of Callum’s apartment, but as Callum went to step off, Macy pulled her hand back, refusing to move.

“Macy,” Callum said as he crouched down in front of her. “We’re home, Sweetheart,”

Macy didn’t reply, instead she just stared up into his eyes, giving nothing away.

“I know you’re scared,” Callum continued, keeping his voice soft and calm. “But you can’t stand on this elevator all night.”

Still, Macy stared him down. Callum released a long, frustrated sighed. She was her father’s daughter alright, pig-headed and stubborn. This was not going to be easy.

“Is everything okay?” Landen asked as he walked back towards elevator.

“We just need a minute,” Callum replied, pulling his key from his pocket, handing them to Landen. “Why don’t you head on in; tell the others that we’ll be in in a few minutes.”

“Okay,” Landen said, taking the keys from his brother.

Callum didn’t say another word until Landen was inside the door, and he was alone with Macy.

He hit the hold button on the elevator, then sat down on the floor in front of Macy.

“Would you like to sit down, too?” He asked, giving her a questioning look. She stared at him for a moment, as if she was considering his question. Finally, she sat down on the floor, crossing her legs in front of her.

“Macy,” Callum said as he looked down into her eyes, giving her a smile. “I know you miss your mommy; right now, I miss her too.”

He stopped for a moment, considering his words.

“I know you want to go home,” he continued, as Macy’s bottom lip quivered slightly, as she pulled her doll closer to her face. “Macy, I wish I could take you home, and I wish more than anything I could bring your mommy back to you, but I can’t, Sweetheart. I don’t know how to make this okay for you.”

Macy closed her eyes and buried her face into her doll.

Callum hesitated, having no clue how to reach her. He considered if he should just stand up and pick her up, but he knew she would start screaming again, as she had earlier that day, leaving her house, a repeat of that ordeal was the last thing he wanted.

He also knew he couldn’t remain there for the rest of the evening, so he needed to do something. He was just about to stand up, and pick her up when he could hear the door to his apartment open once more.

“Hey,” Amelia’s voice said suddenly from behind Callum, and Macy instantly lifted her face from her doll. “I heard that you guys were out here, I wanted to come and say hi.”

She softly touched Callum on the shoulder, and when he looked up at her, she gave him a reassuring smile. He quickly stood up, stepping aside, allowing Amelia space to get closer to Macy.

“You must be Macy,” Amelia said, as she now sat down on the floor in front of the little girl. “I’m Amelia.”

Macy didn’t say a word. Instead, she just looked up into Amelia’s face.

“Wow!” Amelia exclaimed with a big smile. “She’s a very pretty doll; I would love to know her name.”

Macy looked down at her doll but didn’t reply.

“Maybe Daddy knows her name?” She continued looking up at Callum.

“Her name is Daisy,” Callum said, as Amelia looked up at him, giving him another smile.

“Daisy is such a pretty name,” Amelia said, as she turned back to Macy and gave her another broad smile. Then she leaned in and spoke in a whispered voice. “Do you know what I think? I think that maybe Daisy would like to come inside and see her new home. I heard a secret, that there is a dolly in your new bedroom, who wants to be Daisy’s friend and maybe even your friend too.”

Macy’s stared at Amelia for a moment. Callum knew that Amelia had piqued her interest.

“What would you say to maybe bringing Daisy in to meet her new friend,” Amelia continued, still smiling at the little girl. “And maybe we could get them both some ice-cream?”

Macy slowly nodded her head, as a tiny smile danced on her lips.

Amelia held out her hand to Macy, and the little girl cautiously took it. Callum stood there, watching in complete amazement as they both climbed up from the floor of the elevator, then headed for the door to the apartment.

He followed them inside, relieved that at least for now, Macy seemed to be a little calmer, thanks to Amelia. He knew he owed her big time for her help.

As they made their way down the hallway, into the living area, Macy stopped when she saw Nell and Sean sitting there, with Landen, who had Henry in his arms.

“Hey everyone,” Amelia said still holding Macy’s hand. “This is Macy, and this…” She pointed to the doll that was in Macy’s arms. “This is Daisy. I was just telling Macy that there is someone up in her new room waiting to meet both her and Daisy. I’m just going to take her up to her room, but we’ll be right back.”

“Okay,” Nell said as she stood up. Callum could see the tears that were dancing in her eyes. He knew she wanted to pick Macy up, hug her, kiss her, and tell her how much her grandmother loved her. But she didn’t, she knew the little girl needed some time.

Instead, she watched her as Amelia led her through the living room, then up the stairs.

“Well, this is an unholy mess!” Sean said once Amelia had Macy out of earshot, as he gave Callum an unhappy look.

“I know it is, Dad,” Callum sighed as he set Amelia’s backpack on the sofa, before he too sat down.

The rest of her belonging were still down in the trunk of Landen’s car, but Mike had said he would bring them up for them.

“What the hell was that girl thinking not telling you that you had a child?” Sean demanded as he stood up, then began pacing up and down the living room.

“Dad, you know what,” Callum sighed as he stood back up. “I don’t know what she was thinking, and I can’t ask her now because she is gone. But none of that matters now. All that matters is I have this little girl now who is completely dependent on me. She is four years old, her life has fallen apart, and I don’t even know where to begin to put it back together. So forgive me if I don’t beat my chest about how wrong Carolynn was, because it’s not going to change where we all are now!”

“You’re right, Cal,” Nell said as she walked towards her son, reaching for his hand. “Your dad didn’t mean any harm. The only thing that matters now is that little girl.”

“Thanks, Mom,” Callum sighed, as he gave his mother a grateful smile. “I’m sorry for not telling you about her before I left for New York. I just needed sometimes to figure this out for myself.”

“As long as you know that I’m here for you now, Callum,” Nell said giving him a sad smile. “And I’m here for that poor little girl.”

“I don’t know what the hell I’m doing here, Mom,” Callum admitted to his mother, and to his horror, hot tears suddenly stung his eyes. “I thought that she was okay; that she was okay with me. At the funeral, she didn’t move from my side, but then when it was time to leave…”

“Landen told us what happened,” Nell said as tears glistened in her eyes too.

“She just sobbed until she ran out of steam,” Callum whispered, as his heart ached for his little girl. “Then she passed out. But she hasn’t said a single word since she woke up. I don’t know how to reach her.”

“We’ll figure this out together,” Nell assured him, giving him a hug.

“And what if we don’t?” Callum whispered as he held his mother tightly, “What if I can’t do this?”

“You’ve only known you were a father for the last forty-eight hours,” Nell replied, holding him at arm’s length, giving him another smile. “So far you have done everything a good father would have done, so give yourself some credit.”

“Thanks, Mom,” Callum said, just as Amelia and Macy made their way back down the stairs to the living room.

“Daddy!” Amelia said, looking at Callum, and smiling at him. “Look what Macy found up in her bedroom!”

“Wow!” Callum said as he walked towards Macy, then crouching down in front of her to have a closer look at her doll. “What a very pretty dolly. I bet she and Daisy are gonna be great friends. We’re gonna have to give her a name too.”

He waited for Macy to speak, but she didn’t say a word.

He glanced up at Amelia, and she just gave him a sad smile.

“Why don’t we go get that ice-cream I promise you,” Amelia said as she took Macy’s hand once more. “Maybe Nana would like to come and help us?”

“I would love to,” Nell said, giving Amelia a grateful smile before they all headed towards the kitchen.

“Everything is going to work out,” Landen said to Callum from where he was sitting on the sofa, holding a sleeping Henry, once the girls were gone.

“I hope so,” Callum sighed, feeling completely deflated. “I really hope so.”