Hannah

 

I don't know what the favor was but when I come out of the bathroom, there's a change in the atmosphere in the room. I'm sure of it. All I hear is, “I'll ask him,” which could be anything.

I look at Kieran.  He must be able to see I’m puzzled, but he's not telling me what's going on.

“I'll give you a call then and leave you to get on with your day,” Vanessa says to her brother. “I was just passing by. I thought I might let you take me out to lunch if you were still off work, but never mind. I'll catch you again soon. It was good to meet you, Hannah. Very good.”

“Get out of here, would you?” Kieran pretends to shoo Vanessa out and she leaves, laughing. They are obviously close. But somehow, the spell between Kieran and me is broken.

“What was that about?” I ask

“My nephew, Ben. She's worried about him.”

“Is she right to worry?”

“He'll be okay. He's a good kid. More sensitive than most.”

It feels like there's something he's not telling me, here. And I'm pretty sure there is, as soon as he says, “I'd better take you home.” One minute he’s all over me, and the next, he wants me out of there.

“Can I help bring all the stuff down?” I ask.

“No, just leave everything. I'll do that.”

He's gone cold again. I'm not putting up with this again. “Do you always do this?”

“Do what?”

“Blow hot and cold. Do you know how fucking annoying that is?”

“Sorry, I'm just not used to this.”

“To what?”

“To feeling like this, like I'm not sure if this is a good idea. I don't do relationships. I don't get involved.”

“Is that what all this is about?”

“I usually say something. I just didn't want to have the not-doing-relationships chat with you.”

“Because you knew I wouldn't buy it?”

“Because I thought there was something more. There is something more.”

“Speak for yourself.” I turn away. I've had enough of whatever game he's playing. It hurts more than it should, given how little I know him, but I was convinced he was different. He said he didn’t get tied down, but I felt we had a connection until now.

“Don't be like that.” He touches my arm and I whisk it away.

“Don't be like what?” I can't help being sharp with him. I look about for my bag and pick it up. I put on my cardigan. I'm going.

“Don't turn away. Don't go. I want you to stay.”

“Make your mind up. Stay. Go. Which is it? Because I'm pretty confused here, Kieran.”

“Listen. It's not easy for me. I swore I would never fall for anyone again after...”

“After? After what?”

He looks distraught. Like he's raking up memories he doesn't want to think about.

“There was… there was a girl, at the end of my last year at college. It didn't end well.”

“Lots of people have relationships that don't end well. They get over it. They move on.” And I try to not think about how long it has taken me to move on from Simon because I'm not in a forgiving mood.

But he's not finished. “This was more than that. My girlfriend’s parents bought her a car for her twenty-first birthday. Janine wanted to show it off. We were celebrating the end of our exams and she took me for a drive. She had music blasting, and we were singing, relieved to have the exams over with and the summer ahead. Neither of us saw the truck coming over the hill until the last moment. It was on the wrong side of the road passing a tractor. The truck rammed right into us. The car spun around and turned over. I had to be cut out of the wreckage and had nothing but a broken leg. Janine was killed.”

“Oh my god, Kieran. Did you love her?”

“I thought so at the time. But looking back, I don't know if we would have lasted, if we were really suited to each other. I mourned her like I did love her, though. I never wanted to hurt that badly again, that was for sure. One minute she was there, full of life, and the next, she was gone. And I know I could have easily died that day, too.”

If it was Simon telling me this, I might suspect he was giving me a line, but I believe Kieran. The anguish in his face tells me it's all true.

“So you stopped dating?”

“For a while. But then it was just like I was just paying lip service to everything. I stopped getting involved. There were girls, but I never let anyone get close. And I couldn't even think about a career. Vanessa talked to me since I wasn't listening to my parents right then. She said I was wasting my life not applying for jobs. The thought of using my business degree was doing nothing for me. But I remembered the guy who pulled me out of that wreck. I went to see him. It was Mike.”

“The chief at the fire station?”

“Yes, he was just a normal fireman then, doing his job. He was so calm and reassuring the day of the accident, I knew that's what I wanted to do. So, I did the training, joined the fire department and never looked back. But I never had another serious relationship either.”

I put down my bag and kiss his cheek. “I'm sorry you went through that.”

He pulls me into his arms and kisses me deeply, as if he's trying to lose himself in it.

At my age, he went through something terrible, and even now it's obvious that talking about it hurts. I want to make him feel better.

“Thank you for telling me,” I say.

“I'm sorry I spoiled our afternoon. Can I take you home?”

“No, I want to stay here, if you want me to.” I hope he says he does.