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Stifling was the only way to describe the inside of the town car. Yet no one dared to complain. And if I felt like a sardine in a tin can, squashed in the back with everyone else, I wasn’t going to complain either. It was better than the box my best friend currently lay in.

Shaun’s hand was too sweaty in mine, so I shook it loose, letting go. He shot me an annoyed look, then transfixed on something out the window of the car, his quiet huff barely audible.

The sun blistered high and the thought of leaving the relative shade of the car made me sweat even more. It didn’t help that the charcoal grey suit I was wearing felt stuck to my skin.

Jake would’ve hated this. He wouldn’t have wanted stuffy suits and tears. I nudged and shifted between Ryder and Shaun, fighting with the arms of my jacket, dragging the damp garment from my body and dropping it to the floor at my feet.  Ryder looked no more comfortable than I did, but he was doing better than me. I couldn’t wear the fucking thing a second longer.

“Is his mum coming?” Sophie’s soft-spoken voice interrupted the quiet.

Quite honestly, I didn’t know. I couldn’t stand the woman, never had been able to. I’d left my dad to deal with her, him being far more diplomatic than I could’ve ever been. On learning of the circumstances of her son’s death, she’d wailed and cursed both myself and Sophie for everything until my dad had said he would take care of all the arrangements. Whatever she needed or wanted for Jake, she would have. I was pretty sure the bitch had wrangled a tidy sum of money for herself too. She had no fucking shame. 

Her appearance at the house had me darting off to my room and a very displeased Laura hurrying her out after an hour of watching her shamelessly flirt with my dad. It was embarrassing and only served to remind me why Jake had been such a huge part of my life for years. Why he had been family.

The day had started off pitiful to tell the truth. I’d woken up agitated and at odds with myself, something Shaun picked up on when he tried to cuddle in and I’d swatted him away. I’d barely said two words since and he’d wisely steered clear. Dressing in the stuffy suits had been a sedate affair, climbing into black town cars awkward. The morning’s service - mind numbing and soul destroying. Only serving to remind me I’d never see my best friend again, that he was gone. Ripped from our lives for no sense or reason. An act of revenge for a deserved beat down.

Laura and Taylor had been at Sophie’s side the entire time and the slither of guilt I felt didn’t seem strong enough to cause me any anxiety over not being a shoulder for her to lean on. I was drowning in my own grief, trying to keep my head above water so I could just get through the day. I feared if anybody said the wrong thing to me, I’d pounce on them and make it all worse. I wanted to spare Sophie the ugly of who I was.

Today was not mine, it was Jake’s.

“Yes,” my dad placed his hand on Sophie’s knee. “But you don’t need to talk to her, if that’s what you want.”

There was no yes or no from Sophie and the silence pressed on as the town car pulled to a halt behind the hearse that had carried Jake from the church.

“Put your jacket back on,” Ryder quipped at me as he fiddled with his cufflinks under the sleeves of his own jacket.

“It’s too hot,” I grumbled, like a spoiled child.

“Put it on.”

There was no argument to be had so I lifted the stupid thing from the floor and held it tight. I’d put it on once we got outside. We filed out one by one and stood in a small huddle, my gaze swinging around the cemetery looking for Jake’s final resting spot. It was busy, a lot of Uni friends had come to pay their respects, to say their goodbyes to a man everyone loved. Not that he would have cared, he had never been one to want to climb the popularity ladder. There was a group of girls standing off to the side with Suzie, the girl he’d fucked around with before. They were eyeing us, and I hoped like fuck they left Sophie alone otherwise I was going to go to town. My nerves were frayed as it was.

Ryder made his way to the minister with Shaun a step behind him while I put my jacket back on. My dad lingered until Sophie tucked her small hand into my larger one and held tight. I could give her this, be what she needed for a little while.

I was reluctant to move; my feet not wanting to carry me to say my final goodbye. My body revolted at the thought.

Turning back to the car, I felt sick as I shook loose from Sophie. “God, I can’t do this.”

A firm hand around my neck halted my attempt to escape, slim fingers slipping from mine. “Yes, you can, son. You can.”

I was bleeding out inside, couldn’t he see that? I’d held my head high all morning, but this was too much. With the air too thin, I fought to draw in a single easy breath. The heavy weight pushing against my chest almost crippled me.

Stumbling to the kerb, my arse hit the concrete and I crumpled into myself. My very soul ripped wide open, my heart cracking and splintering, leaving a gaping hole which threatened to swallow me.

This was Jake.

My Jake.

Tears stung but refused to spill. I didn’t know why they wouldn’t come. They were stuck. Stuck like me.

“Hey, baby. Look at me.” Shaun’s compassionate voice washed over, and I raised my head, drowning in his eyes, drowning in the bottomless depths of the man he was.

“I can’t do this, Shaun,” I choked out.

“We’re all here, baby. We’re all here for you. For Jake. Come on, get up. Let’s go love him a final time.”

“He shouldn’t be here!” I cried.

“No, he shouldn’t.” His arms hooked under my arms and he coaxed me up. “Come on, big fella. Let’s go.”

I shuffled to my feet, searching around for Sophie. My dad had her tucked into him and Laura was rubbing a hand up and down her back in comfort. Beyond my dad I saw Jake’s mum watching her, a look of disdain on her face, so far removed from the grief that should have been there. I wondered what was going through her head. She’d lost her son yet hadn’t shown an ounce of emotion. Had he meant so little to her?

We moved sluggishly, in no hurry to get the so-called show on the road.

Forty minutes slipped by in a heartbeat, but not Jakes, his didn’t beat anymore. Voices, speeches, hymns - all over my head, all rolled into one. All I could do was stare at my best friend’s coffin. Half of me wanted to bang on the wood, demand he woke up and came home. The other half wanted to crawl into the box with him and fall asleep, keep him warm.

The slow internment was the last I could take. On a hitch of a breath I turned and walked away from him one last time. No one followed, which suited me fine, I was no good to anyone anyway. I threw my jacket into the back of the town car then turned and left.

I walked through the black wrought iron gates that welcomed nothing good and kept on walking. My legs would carry me home when I was ready.