Chapter Five
Maddie ran her hand over the other side of the bed, the sheets cold beneath her fingers. She snapped her head up. Justin’s pillow didn’t even have an imprint from where he’d slept. He didn’t sleep in the bed last night. When he’d retired from baseball, one commitment he’d made was that he didn’t want to sleep away from her for one more night. She knew that wasn’t realistic, but it was the sentiment behind his words that mattered.
She dragged herself out of bed. After poking her head in Aiden’s room and confirming he was sound asleep, she padded her way down the hall. She paused for a minute at the closed door to the nursery. Just yesterday, she was sitting in the rocking chair, remembering the two of them taking care of Aiden as a baby, and now she was worried about her marriage. She knew better than to borrow trouble. Justin was probably on the couch, not wanting to bother her once she’d gone to bed.
She owed him an apology for blowing up last night. She couldn’t blame him for storming out after she’d gone at him with both barrels. But he had to know she didn’t mean half the things she said. The hormones and not sleeping well, the constant vigilance over everything she did, all in an attempt to get pregnant, made her a bear to be around these days.
But when she rounded the corner, the couch was empty. She poked her head in the kitchen. Justin wasn’t in there either. The dishes were exactly like she’d left them, and the coffee pot was cold.
Justin hadn’t come home.
She immediately ran a thousand scenarios through her mind, none of them pleasant. Her heart began to race. Where had he gone? He didn’t even leave a note on the counter telling her he had an early meeting. He wouldn’t leave her without even some inkling of where he’d gone, would he?
She hadn’t checked her messages this morning. That was it—he’d texted her and she hadn’t seen it. She rushed back to the bedroom and snatched her cell off the nightstand. No messages. She dashed off a quick text and stared at her phone. No indication that he saw it. Nothing.
Had something happened to him?
She hurried down the hall, into the kitchen, looking back and forth. What should she do? Just then, Aiden bounded into the kitchen and she plastered a smile on her face. She couldn’t alarm him. Not until she knew for sure what was going on with Justin. She made Aiden’s breakfast, and a half hour later, still maintaining the smile, she waved as he climbed the stairs onto his school bus.
As soon as the bus pulled out of sight, she stepped back into the house and closed the door. She paced across the living room. Where was Justin? She hurried into the kitchen, scanning the room as though she would find him hiding in the corner. But nothing. Keeping a smile on her face while her insides were tied in knots was hard. Now that Aiden was gone, all her fears rushed back.
Her hands started trembling and she sank onto a kitchen chair. Finding Justin absent this morning reminded her so much of her childhood, the unsettled feeling of being alone in her house while her mother worked two jobs. Huddling scared under the covers.
Justin knew how afraid she’d been all those nights. Because of that, he’d always made a point to call her from the road when he was away with the team. Shoot, she’d practically fallen in love with him on those phone calls.
She checked her phone again. No response.
He’d stormed out of the house last night after they’d fought. He could have had an accident. Oh, God. That was what happened. He was lying in a ditch somewhere, or he’d been taken to a hospital unconscious. But wouldn’t they have called her? Of course they would. Unless they couldn’t identify him. Had he gone into the city and been mugged and they’d taken his wallet?
That had to be it. She had to call the police. The hospitals. Her hands shaking, she dialed the non-emergency number for the Sheriff’s department.
“Cedar Hill Sheriff’s Department, this is Donna.”
Maddie tried to steady her voice but her words came out shaky. “Th- this is Maddie Harper.”
“Are you safe right now? Do you need assistance?”
“I’m safe. But I think my husband didn’t come home last night, and that’s not like him.”
The voice on the other end didn’t waver, didn’t get excited. “Okay, Maddie. Take a deep breath. When was the last time you saw him?”
When she screamed at him the night before for not caring about her. She’d regretted the words the minute they escaped her lips, but she hadn’t had a chance to take them back. Justin had stormed out and that was the last she’d seen him. “He left here last night around nine-thirty.”
“Do you know where he was going?”
“I don’t. We, uh, we had a fight and he was angry. I’m afraid he had an accident… or was mugged and hurt and no one knows who he is.”
“All right, all right. I’m sorry you’re upset. First things first. I’m pulling up the overnight reports of any accidents in the area.”
She drew in a deep breath but couldn’t stop her hands from shaking. “Thank you.”
As she waited, the kitchen door swung open and Justin strolled in, wearing the same clothes from last night.
Her heart skipped a beat. He was alive. He wasn’t off the road in a ditch somewhere. And he didn’t look hurt. “Are you okay? Are you hurt? Why didn’t you call?” She drew in a breath and kept going before Justin could open his mouth to respond. “Where the hell have you been? Why didn’t you call? Do you know how worried I’ve been?”
“Mrs. Harper.” The dispatcher’s voice rang out through the phone Maddie was still holding in her hand. “I take it he’s home.”
Maddie cringed. The dispatcher had heard her entire rampage. “Yes. Sorry to bother you.” Maddie clicked off and threw her phone on the table.
“Give me a minute, Maddie. I haven’t even had any coffee yet.”
“Well, you could have had coffee if you were here when you woke up this morning. You didn’t come home all night.” Dammit, she couldn’t stop the anger from seeping into her words. These hormones. They were turning her into a person she didn’t like.
Justin sighed. The dark circles under his eyes were a sure sign that he hadn’t slept any better than she had last night.
“I was worried that something had happened to you. That you were lying in a ditch somewhere. Where were you?”
“I went to Izzy’s. I fell asleep on her couch.”
“Instead of coming home?”
“I needed some time to think.”
She huffed out a breath. “You couldn’t think at home? Or at least consider sending me a text and letting me know where you were? You didn’t have to worry me the way you did.”
“Maybe if I felt a little more welcome in my own home when I walked in the door, I wouldn’t have needed to sleep at Izzy’s.” He turned away from her, fiddling with the coffee pot.
It was a good thing he couldn’t see her shoulders hunched and tensed. Her barely contained anger. He’d promised her when they got married that, no matter what, she would know where he was every night. He was mad at her, so he’d stayed out all night out of spite. That had to be it. “Are you going to stand there with your back to me or are we going to talk about this?”
He turned and leaned against the counter. “Frankly, I don’t know. You don’t seem to want to talk about things anymore. It’s all about what you want, what you need. What about what I want? What I need?”
He thought this was all about her? This was about their family. All of them. She leapt up. “You wanna talk about you? Great, let’s talk about you.”
He sighed. “Maddie, sit down.”
“I’m too mad to sit right now.”
“Fine, but I’m going to sit.” He slumped into his regular chair at the table and stared at her.
“So… talk.” She paced across the room and back again, the energy coursing through her making her too agitated to sit.
“I’m not happy.”
She knew that. He hadn’t been able to hide it recently. “No shit, Sherlock. You think I don’t know that? Do I look like I’m happy right now?”
“No, and that’s the problem. You’re not happy anymore. You’re angry and you’re upset and you’re depressed. I’m worried about you.”
“So worried that you couldn’t manage to come home?”
He ran his fingers through his hair. She always loved his deep brown locks, how she could tangle her fingers in it when they kissed, feeling the soft strands over her fingers.
“Can we please talk about the bigger picture here. Your obsession with having a baby is ruining our marriage.”
Tears sprang to her eyes. Damn these hormones. Sure, she’d been focused on having a baby, but she wouldn’t say obsessed. Tracking cycles, taking fertility drugs, and dealing with the side effects was complicated. But she was doing it for him, for their family. She’d grown up alone and vowed to provide more for her children. Plural. Justin had three sisters, and they were close. She wanted Aiden to have a little sister. She wanted Justin to have a daughter. And she thought he did too. Her voice shook as she spoke. “What are you saying?”
His head rested in his hands. He wouldn’t look at her. This couldn’t be good. “I think we need to take a break.”
Her heart that had barely slowed down since Justin had walked in the door kick-started at an even faster pace. White dots swam in front of her eyes and she sank into the chair.
“Maddie, are you okay? You’re white as a sheet.”
She shook her head. “I’m not even close to okay right now. What do you mean you want to take a break? You don’t want to try for a baby anymore?”
He finally looked her in the eye and his anguish reflected back at her.
He loved her. She knew that. They’d always said their love was strong enough to weather any challenge.
“No, what I’m saying… Dammit, I spent half the night going over this in my head, trying to come up with exactly the right words, and here I am fucking it up anyway.” He took her hands in his. “I think we need a break from each other.”
She yanked her hands away. “You mean like you’re gonna go off for a few days to relax and then come back and everything will be better?”
“You know that’s not what I mean.” Justin’s calm, measured voice typically soothed her raw nerves, but now the soft, gentle voice was more than she could take.
He’d always said he never wanted to be like his father, always yelling around the house when he was drunk or when he was angry at his mom or the kids. But Maddie wished Justin would yell, scream at her, fight for their marriage and their family. But instead, resignation laced every measured word.
This clearly wasn’t an impulsive decision made after their fight last night. Justin didn’t do impulsive. He mulled over the simplest of decisions, looking at them from every angle, before he finally decided on the best choice. That was what scared her more than anything.
“You… you want to separate?” Her hands were shaking worse now. Tears streaked down her cheeks, the fear coursing through her worse now at the idea of what Justin was proposing. Everything she’d worked hard to build in her life was crumbling before her eyes. And she didn’t know how to stop it.
“I don’t see any other way to fix this, Maddie. You have to admit that things haven’t been good between us recently.”
“I know, but when we get—”
He raised his hand. “Don’t say it. That’s a big part of the problem right now, but that’s not all of it. We’ve lost ourselves. We’ve lost us as a couple. I don’t like who I am anymore and I can’t imagine that you do either. You’re not the energetic, vivacious woman I married. And I miss her.”
His words turned her fear into anger. “Yeah, well, if you were chasing a five-year-old around all day long, I imagine you’d feel much like I do too.”
“I know we can’t get back to where we were before we had Aiden, but that doesn’t mean we can’t have a bigger, better relationship. That’s what I want. Instead, I’m finding reasons to not come home at night so I can avoid the inevitable fight.”
Her breath hitched. She’d suspected as much, but hearing him voice the words was like a spear to her heart. Her own husband was avoiding her. She’d expected long nights with crying infants, quibbles over different parenting philosophies. But she’d never expected her husband to find reasons to not be with her. “I, uh, I don’t know what to say. I know it’s been tense and I’m sorry. I just, I don’t know what to do anymore.”
Justin rounded the table and kneeled in front of her. “I know you don’t. And I know you, Maddie. You’re a fixer, a problem solver. But I think you’ve lost sight of your true self right now. The woman I fell in love with.”
“You’re saying you don’t love me anymore?”
He rested his hands on her knees and heaved a huge sigh. “I’m not saying that at all. I’m saying that I love you too much to let this ruin both of us. I need some time alone to work on myself, and I think you could use a break from the tension. I know Aiden feels it, too, and that’s something I never wanted for him.”
“I know. You’re a good father.”
“And you’re a good mother. But we’ll be better parents to Aiden right now if we do it separately instead of together.”
Her mind raced. Would she have to leave this house she loved? That she had put hours into making a home for Justin and Aiden? Where would she go? Her mother was gone. She had no one. Except Justin. And apparently, she didn’t have him anymore, either. “So what do we do?”
“I see your wheels spinning. Take a deep breath.”
She sucked in a breath and released it. Her shoulders relaxed and she finally drew in a ragged breath. “You’re telling me you want to take a break and you want me to be calm? That’s really rich.”
“Izzy is moving into Tanner’s house today. I can move into the guest cottage. I don’t want to uproot Aiden and you need to be here with him.”
“Will you see Aiden?” What she really wanted to know was whether he’d be seeing her, but she didn’t have the courage to ask that question right now. The reality that Justin was talking about moving out sank in, and her anger dissipated and the tears that had become a daily companion threatened to emerge again.
“Of course. He’s my son. And you’re still my wife. I just think that we need to spend some time away from each other to diffuse the tension in this house. I don’t like that we’re walking on eggshells around each other. Once things calm down, we can focus on rebuilding our relationship in a more positive way. To move ahead together successfully. We can’t do that when things are so strained between us.”
Her voice trembling, she dared to ask, “You still want to be married to me?”
“Oh, Maddie.” He scooped her up and sat on her chair with her slung over his lap.
She used to love when he’d do that, like he couldn’t wait another minute to be closer to her. To touch her. But it didn’t have the same feeling now as she laid her head on his chest. His heart beat a rapid pace beneath her cheek. She rested her hand over his heart. He was as anxious and upset about this as she was. Why, then, did he want to separate in the first place?
“Of course. That’s why I think this break is so important. For both of us. I don’t want, no, I refuse, to spend the rest of my life resenting my family. You’re my safe harbor, my soft place to fall.”
“And you’re mine…”
His arms tightened around her. “And I want that back. I hate fighting with you.”
She sniffled and snuggled down into his chest. She hated that he was going to leave, but he was right. They fought more than anything else recently. She couldn’t remember the last time he’d said he loved her. “I love you, Justin.”
“I love you, too.”
They sat like that for a long time, her body enveloped her in the warmth of his arms, until her tears dried up.
He must have sensed her shift, because he relaxed his hold and she slid off his lap. After swiping under her eyes, she dared to face him again. His eyes were ringed with red. It could be from lack of sleep, but she preferred to believe—she had to believe—that this upset him as much as it did her.
“So what’s next?”
He stood and paced across the kitchen. “I’ll pack a bag. Just clothes for a few days.”
“What do we tell Aiden?”
“We should be honest with him but keep it to what’s appropriate for a five-year-old.”
“I agree. I don’t want him to think you abandoned him.” She knew that feeling, after growing up without a father and a mother who worked two jobs just to keep a roof over their heads. Maddie had blamed herself for her father not wanting to be part of her life, and therefore for her mother having to work so many hours. She refused to let Aiden put this on himself. “We should tell him together.”
He nodded. “I can come by after dinner, if that works for you.”
“It does.” This entire conversation was so civil. She wanted to scream and yell, to fight for her marriage. But Justin wouldn’t engage her. He knew her too well.
“Okay, then.” Justin squeezed her hand for a minute, then held her gaze as he headed to the door. After a moment, he rounded the corner and headed down the hall. To their bedroom.
Maddie straightened her shoulders and drew in a deep breath. Justin might want a break but this wasn’t over. Not by a longshot. All she needed to do was come up with a plan.