Chapter Seven
Maddie picked at the corner of the paper gown barely covering her thighs on the narrow examination table. When she’d looked at her calendar this morning and saw the appointment, she’d almost canceled. This check-up didn’t matter if she and Justin weren’t trying to get pregnant any more, did it?
Who was she kidding? The appointments hadn’t made a difference in quite a while. If they had, she would be pregnant right now.
She’d thought not getting pregnant was the worst thing that could ever happen to her. Boy, was she wrong. Justin walking out of their house was the worst day of her life.
Then Justin had come over after dinner, like he’d promised, and they’d broken her little boy’s heart. Aiden had listened intently as they explained to him that Daddy would be staying somewhere else for a while. He’d nodded when Justin emphasized that it was nothing Aiden had done, but Maddie knew her son. He was so much like his father. Their matching jaws, muscles tense, betrayed the fact he was barely holding it together. He was a boy of five going on forty.
Aiden’s expression stayed stoic, not betraying a single emotion, during the dreaded conversation and then he hugged Justin goodbye and ran to this room.
Long after she’d tucked him into bed, she heard the sound of his sobs through his door. Each mournful cry widened the crack in Maddie’s heart until it finally broke. She’d spent the next two hours cuddled with him, her arms wrapped around him and his trembling body curled into hers. They’d cried together until he drifted, exhausted, off to sleep.
They had done that to her son. She had done that, with her obsession.
Justin said he didn’t recognize her anymore. He was right. She’d lost herself. She may not be able to fix her failing body, the one that couldn’t give Justin a baby, but she could take care of the rest of her.
Two soft knocks sounded at the door and then Dr. Anderson entered the exam room, a chart in her hand. Not much older than Maddie, Dr. Anderson had become her specialist last year when she and Justin first concluded they were having trouble getting pregnant. But a battery of tests later, some pretty humiliating for both her and Justin, yielded nothing.
Keep trying. That was what the doctor had said. But Maddie hadn’t stopped searching for a reason. Something she could fix. Because she refused to believe that having another child just wasn’t meant to be.
Tears built behind her eyes. Dammit, she’d promised herself she wasn’t going to cry.
Dr. Anderson extended her hand. “Good to see you, Maddie. Are we waiting for Justin before we get started?”
That was all it took. She shook her head, sniffled, and tried her best, but a stream of tears ran down her cheeks. Dr. Anderson set the chart on the counter and wrapped her arms around Maddie. This wasn’t the first time she had broken down in front of her doctor. She figured it was pretty common for Dr. Anderson to deal with teary clients in the field she was in. It took a strong person to specialize in fertility issues.
Maddie sniffled again and then sat back up. Dr. Anderson’s eyes glistened and she smiled at Maddie in a way that soothed her aching heart. It was not the look of pity she got from friends and other mothers who didn’t really understand the struggles she faced every day. “What brought that on?”
Dr. Anderson had always said Maddie could tell her anything. And she had. So why was it so hard for Maddie to share what was going on in her life right now? “Justin moved out.”
“Oh, Maddie.” The doctor’s eyes softened and her smile fell. “I’m so sorry to hear that. When did this happen?”
“A few days ago.” Three very long days.
“First things first… how are you?”
“Pretty devastated. But I still have Aiden to take care of, so I’m pushing through.”
“Of course you are. Listen, in light of these developments, I don’t think we should worry about your exam today. How about we talk in my office?”
Maddie nodded and Dr. Anderson stepped out of the exam room.
Maddie ripped off that blasted gown, pulled on her clothes, and a few minutes later, knocked on the doctor’s office door.
“Come on in, Maddie.”
Maddie stepped into her office. Dr. Anderson was standing in front of her desk and had taken off that intimidating white lab coat, her floral blouse and a navy pencil skirt still reflecting the professional that she was.
“Come on in and have a seat.” Dr. Anderson gestured to the cushiony couch and the chair across from it. She and Justin had always sat in the straight-backed chairs in front of the desk when they met with Dr. Anderson. And the doctor was always behind the desk.
Not this time. Maddie perched on the edge the chair. Maybe if she didn’t sit on the couch, she wouldn’t be tempted to break down on the doctor’s shoulder again.
Dr. Anderson settled on the edge of the couch and crossed her legs, leaning toward Maddie. “Why don’t you tell me what’s going on with you and Justin?”
Maddie wrung her hands. Her mind was a jumble of everything that had happened the past few weeks. “Things have gotten pretty stressful between us. We’ve been arguing a lot and otherwise not talking. Justin’s been working late and I’ve been spending all my time researching infertility.”
Concern flooded the doctor’s expression. She had warned them both from the beginning that there was so much bad information on the web, that reading rogue sites would set her up for disappointment. Maddie, of course, hadn’t believed her, thinking if she had more information she’d be in a better position to get pregnant.
“You don’t have to say it. You were right. I shouldn’t have been reading on the internet. But I didn’t know what else to do. I was desperate. Month after month with nothing happening. I couldn’t stand it much longer.”
“I know it’s hard, the waiting, the constant tests, the hormone swings.”
Maddie nodded. Her shoulders relaxed and her heart slowed from its erratic beat. She should have talked to Dr. Anderson sooner. She was the one person who understood the extent of Maddie’s struggles. “It’s been awful at times. I was snapping at Justin, he was yelling at me, Aiden was getting stressed out. It just became too much. On Monday, Justin and I had a blowup when he came home late. He stormed out and didn’t come home that night.”
“Oh, Maddie. I’m so sorry. Couples suffering with infertility have struggles that other couples don’t.”
“I’m not sure I was able to see how awful it was when I was hyper-focused on getting pregnant.” If only she had talked to Justin instead of focusing on herself. That was all he had asked for. “Anyway, he stayed at his sister’s house that night and the next morning, he told me he was moving out. He said it was a break, but I don’t know how long of a break he thinks he needs.”
“Have you talked to him since he moved out?”
Maddie shook her head. “Not really. He came over that night so we could explain things to Aiden. But I’ve been giving him the break he asked for, and he hasn’t reached out to me.”
“I’m sorry that this has happened to you. Suffering through infertility can cause stress for even the strongest couples, and the hormones do some crazy things to you.”
“Yeah, they do. I guess I thought we would be the exception. I had this fantasy that I would start the injections and in no time, I would be pregnant.”
“That’s a very common perspective. You want a baby so badly and the reality is too much to bear at times. What do you think you’re going to do?”
She shook her head. “I don’t know what the next steps are. We’re in this holding pattern right now.”
“Let me ask you something, Maddie. Do you want Justin to be the one who decides what happens in your life?”
“What do you mean?”
“Do you still want to be married to Justin?”
“Of course I do.”
“Then why are you sitting back waiting for him to make the first move? Stick your neck out a little. Show him you’re willing to work on your relationship.” She slipped a card out of her pocket and extended it to Maddie. “I know I mentioned this when we had our initial consultation, but I work closely with a counselor who specializes in couples struggling with fertility issues.”
Maddie stared at the card like it might jump up and bite her. What did it mean that she, that they, couldn’t handle their problems by themselves? That she had to resort to talking to someone else.
After a moment, she snatched the card from the doctor’s hand and tucked it in her purse, not even looking at the name printed on the front. “I’ll think about it.”
“Just remember, she’s there to help, like I am. We work as a team to support our patients. You aren’t alone in this. Stress is a major factor in infertility. The body can react in different ways and, in some women, make things worse. I know it’s unrealistic to tell you not to worry about getting pregnant, since that’s why you’re here in the first place, but Dr. Bryson can be a good resource for you.”
Dr. Anderson probably had a point. Maddie had always said she was willing to do anything to get pregnant. She should do the same to save her marriage. Maddie stood. “I’ll think about it. Thanks, Dr. Anderson. I feel much better.”
“I’m glad, Maddie. Call me any time if you have any questions.”
“I will.”
A couple minutes later, Maddie returned to the lobby. Boy, this appointment hadn’t gone at all like she’d expected. But it had been the conversation she’d needed. She was coming to realize, more than ever, that getting pregnant wasn’t just about biology. Maybe she would call Dr. Bryson after all.