Chapter Thirteen

CHANCE

My hands were balled into fists as I sat on my bed, bopping my legs up and down. I’d dreaded this day every bit as much as I’d longed for it. The closer it got, the more my apprehension about leaving this place grew. Looking around at the Spartan gray walls, I could hardly believe that this was really it. Today was the day.

Cracking my knuckles, I got up and paced.

“What the hell is wrong with you, man?” my cellmate Eddie said. “This is what you’ve been waiting for.”

“You’ll see how it feels when your day comes.”

“Yeah. Fucking ecstatic is how I’ll feel. You want to trade places? I’d give my right nut to be in your shoes right now.”

“I know you would. It’s not that I’m ungrateful to be done. It’s just that nothing is the same as when I came in here. This place…it’s become my normal. Walking out of here is gonna be like walking into a big black hole. At least here I know what to expect.”

“It’s been two years, not forty.”

“A lot can happen in two years, mate. I’ve learned that all too well.” When the words came out of my mouth, my heart immediately felt heavier. Two years ago, I had a mother. Now, I didn’t. My mother was dead. God, it was so painful to think about her not being around anymore. That was reason enough to want to stay in here and hide from reality.

Mum had suffered an aneurysm while driving about a year ago. The fact that I was locked up and couldn’t say goodbye to her when she was clinging to life at the hospital was something that I would never forgive myself for.

There were a lot of things I couldn’t forgive myself for.

Eddie’s next question threw me for a loop. “Are you gonna try to find her?”

“Who?”

I knew who.

“You know who.”

I ran my hands through my hair in frustration. Why did he have to bring her up? “No,” I said adamantly.

“No?”

My tone was more insistent. “No.”

“Why not?”

“Because it’s been two fucking years. She’s probably married by now, maybe with a baby even. Oh, and there’s that minor detail of her hating my guts and wishing I were dead because I broke her fucking heart.”

I never intended to tell Eddie about Aubrey. I never intended to tell anyone about her, especially the details of how I left her.

One night, I had apparently been talking in my sleep in the middle of a dream, saying things like, “Aubrey, I’m sorry. So fucking sorry.” I’d woken Eddie up, and he dragged it out of me. The dreams were recurring and continued to happen on and off, to the point where Eddie had dubbed them “Aubreys.” “You had an Aubrey again last night,” he’d say.

“You don’t know for a fact that she wishes you ill will.”

“What does it matter, Eddie? Even if she’s not married, the whole point of sneaking out that morning was to make her hate me so that she’d move on with her life and not wait two whole years for me while I was stuck in this hell. Why the fuck would I have broken her heart intentionally only to go back and try to be with her again?”

“Aren’t you even curious about her?”

Fuck.

Of course I was.

Shrugging my shoulders, I let out a deep breath and sat back down on the bed, staring at the wall. “I hope she’s happy and that she’s moved on. I really do. But I sure as hell don’t want to put myself through witnessing that firsthand.”

“Well, it’s your decision. I just don’t want you to regret it later. From what I can see, that shit traumatized you.”

“Oh, you’re a shrink now, eh, Ed?”

“I don’t have to be a professional to see it. Look, you’re a good guy. She’d be proud of you if she saw it the way I do. You’ve made the best of your time here more than anyone I’ve seen come and go before.”

I’d damn well tried. I’d taken some classes toward finishing my degree and even organized a soccer program for the inmates in the adjoining juvenile hall. I was determined not to let these years be a total waste, to make something good out of them. If being here meant giving up everything, it was damn well not going to be for nothing. There was no doubt I’d be leaving prison a different person—not a happier one—but a stronger one.

Eddie interrupted my thoughts. “Let me ask you this. What if you found out this chick was out there somewhere still single? Don’t you think what you had is worth risking disappointment for a shot at a second chance?”

Before I could answer, the long, slow creak of the prison cell door opening echoed through the halls.

I looked at Eddie. “I guess this is it.”

He hugged me, patting my back. “When you start to feel down, think about this. If nothing else, Chancey boy, you’re still one of the best lookin’ dudes ever to leave prison with his ass intact.”

I broke out into almost hysterical laughter. I was definitely going to miss him. “You’re a good bloke. You’ve always had a knack for showing me the bright side of things.”

“Glad I could do that for you.”

“I’ll keep in touch, eh?” I said, exiting the cell.

I let out a deep breath as I followed the prison guard through the halls amidst the heckling, swearing and applause of my fellow inmates.

He took me to a room where I signed the release papers. This felt surreal. I definitely expected to be happier about leaving. Instead, the fact that I was about to become a free man left me feeling surprisingly numb.

I waited alone until he returned with a large plastic Ziploc containing my belongings. Opening that bag was like opening a time capsule of an abandoned life. There were my jeans, and navy pullover sweatshirt that I’d been wearing when I turned myself in, along with my wallet, phone and watch.

My iPhone was dead, so I asked the guard if he could find me a charger. Since it was an older phone, no one seemed to have the right kind. Apple had apparently come out with two new versions since my imprisonment began. That figured. The guard was finally able to find someone in the office with a charger that fit my phone.

“You can charge your phone in here, get dressed, and then you’re free to go.”

I nodded. “Thank you, sir.”

I plugged the charger into the wall and proceeded to change into my clothes. After several minutes, a light illuminated the screen of my phone as the device turned on. I waited a bit longer to allow the battery to gain enough juice to last the trip to surprise my sister. I was originally going to have her pick me up, but I decided to keep mum instead.

When it was time to walk out, I felt like a fish out of water. My footsteps past the guard booth were intentionally slow.

The bright sunshine outside the gates was a shock to my system. There I was standing in front of the massive prison building wearing the same clothes from two years ago and having no clue what to do with myself. It felt like the day I turned myself in was just yesterday and a lifetime ago all at once.

How did one become reacquainted with his own life? I felt like asking myself, “Where did we leave things again?”

I looked around me. There should have been a guidebook of what the fuck to do with yourself when you’re let out of prison.

When you’re locked up, it seems like your life is on pause. You come out expecting and wanting everything to be exactly the same, but knowing damn well that it’s not.

All I fucking wanted right then was to go back to exactly where my life left off.

She was where my life left off.

What I wouldn’t have given to snap my fingers and have her pull up to the jail in the BMW with that stinking animal in the backseat. One could only dream.

My mind was heading into delusional and dangerous territory. I shook my head and pulled out my phone to look up the number for a car service then remembered I had no data plan. Miraculously, the internet seemed to work. My phone was part of a family plan with my sister, and she must have continued paying the bill. I decided I’d walk to the nearest train station instead of taking a cab. Before I started the trek, I happened to click on my photo library.

Big. Fucking. Mistake.

It opened up to the last picture taken. It was of Aubrey. There she was.

Oh. God.

My heart felt like it came alive again after a two year hiatus.

Princess.

Suddenly, the emotions I was hoping to suppress had appeared in all of their glory, completely overpowering the numbness I’d experienced just minutes earlier.

I’d almost forgotten how beautiful she was. Aubrey never knew I took that picture. I’d snapped it of her sleeping peacefully in the hotel room right before I left. I wanted to always remember that moment.

Our fucking wedding night. It was supposed to be fake, but it felt all too real. Nothing had ever felt more real in my entire life.

Now, I was cursing at myself for ever thinking that taking that photo was a good idea. I should have deleted every single last image of her so that I’d never have to look at what I lost—the heart that I damn well knew I’d shattered into a million pieces.

At the time, I truly felt my leaving her the way I did was for her own good. I knew what kind of person Aubrey was. She would have waited every single day of those two years for me. That wasn’t fair. After everything she’d been through, she deserved her fresh start. A new city, a new life…she was on the verge of finally starting to live the life she wanted. I couldn’t drag her down, couldn’t make her spend two more years lonely and sad. She deserved better.

Fucking her was definitely not part of the plan. Several times during the trip, I’d almost lost my control, but that night in Vegas was the last straw. I’d tried with all of my might to avoid giving in. But I wasn’t strong enough. I came apart when she stormed into my room. I’d never made love to anyone like that in my life, and to this day, I didn’t regret it. That night with her meant everything to me.

My finger lingered over the photo. I couldn’t get myself to slide back through to the others. But I also knew I’d never delete them for as long as I lived.

When I stuck my phone back into my pocket, my fingers touched a piece of metal. I took it out. Gleaming in the sunlight was the fake gold wedding band that I’d still been wearing the day I turned myself in. Twirling it between my thumb and index finger, anger started to build up inside of me.

I stood there, staring at the ring, trying to figure out why I was so fucking angry all of a sudden. It was because I was starting to doubt whether I’d made the right decision.

Eddie’s question from earlier—the one I never answered—replayed in my head. “Let me ask you this. What if you found out this chick was out there somewhere, still single. Don’t you think what you had is worth risking disappointment for a shot at a second chance?”

Placing the ring on my finger, I answered the question, “Fuck yes, it would be worth it.”

I took the phone out of my pocket. My heart was pounding out of my chest as I typed into Google: Aubrey Bloom Temecula.