Chapter 10
One thing’s for certain, Gavin rocked normalcy. He resumed tutor mode, and we spent another forty-five minutes with me transcribing what I heard him play on the keyboard. I wasn’t solid I would ace the quiz, but at least I wouldn’t fail.
Haven didn’t disappoint. First thing in the morning, we opened class with a quiz.
Composition studio followed Theory. While I yearned to see Gavin again, I remained unsure how he might act around me. Or more realistically, how I was going to act around him. I left less than affectionate last night.
To my credit, I think I was still in shock with his numerous, ahem, experiences, though relieved to learn he had been single for a year. And as Matt said, Gavin’s number of partners? Normal for a good-looking guy. Get over it, Louie.
Yet, I hoped if he were my first, like ten years from now, it could be different. Though I’d never done anything with another person, I still had ideas in my head about what I would like to try someday, thanks to my romance novels.
Wouldn’t communication and some self-awareness carry more weight than the number of partners? I boosted my morale around my lack of experience, because the alternative included admitting how pathetic the only action I got was self-administered, again, thanks to the aforementioned novels.
Still, working on my fear of intimacy shot front and center, because the idea of stripping down in front of a guy caused me to make like a groundhog until the threat disappeared. Not exactly fodder for an epic romance.
When I entered the class, Gavin sat next to Mickelson, and managed a slight wave.
“Welcome, Louie. I see you have five minutes left to spare. I trust you will use the extra time to imagine your next symphony,” Mickelson admonished.
“Absolutely. Who needs five? I could write a full symphony in four minutes.”
“Excellent. Gavin, how have your mind melds been going with Louie? She’s a natural, this one. Not very good at the theory, but her ability to collect, assemble, and shape sound is nothing short of extraordinary.” Mickelson’s eyes warmed at me, and I beamed.
Accolades were few and far between from this man. I averaged about two a semester, thus already halfway through my allotment, or maybe I was improving?
“They’re going well. Lou’s got a lot of great ideas we’ve been sharing.”
Mickelson scoffed. “Please, how many times do I have to tell you to call me John? Once you graduate, you become a peer in my book. Let me guess, Louie is also attending your tutoring sessions?” No surprise Mickelson would assume I needed tutoring. The entire faculty did.
“She’s doing well.” An accolade attached to Gavin’s smile. I could get used to the combination.
“Excellent. I trust you’ll continue to keep an eye on her.” Mickelson moved over to another desk to greet an incoming freshman.
“How’d you do on your theory quiz?” Gavin brushed his shoulder gently against mine and heat filled my cheeks.
“I think I passed. Thanks for your help. I appreciate it.” I grabbed my notebook after digging for my pencil case.
“No problem. It’s nice to know it paid off.” Another nudge on my shoulder caused me to momentarily stop my pencil search.
“Well, thanks again.” I found a pencil at the bottom of the main compartment.
“Sure thing.” Muscles in Gavin’s jaw tensed for a moment and then released. “So about last night.”
“That’s a throw-back movie from the Eighties, right?” I might have been a bit of an eighties movie junkie in high school.
“Louie.”
I waited a moment and received a half grunt. At least he got the reference. “No, it’s all good. Just surprised, is all. Your personal business is your own and I’m not one to judge. Thanks for telling me, though.”
He watched me for a moment and I would have guessed he’d bring up our failed attempt at Twenty Questions.
“Can I buy you lunch after this?” he asked.
Another chip from my barrier fell away. Because he still wanted to hang out with me despite knowing about my sad existence of a childhood. And, I still wanted to hang around him despite his past flirtation with borderline nymphomania.
Gavin took me to a mom and pop pizza shop down the street from Groove after class. Meat coated half the pizza, and I dug the veggies.
The sun warmed us enough we didn’t need a coat. I still couldn’t bring myself to eat inside when the weather didn’t consist of snow or sleeting rain. Too soon winter would make its reign on Newsom and, thanks to the lake effect, would stick around until at least April.
“I need to tell you why I had more than my fair share of girlfriends,” he mumbled. “Feels like I’m in confession, even though I left the Catholic Church years ago.” He leaned forward in his chair, his hands clasped in front of him on the table.
Mine remained clenched on my lap.
“Honestly, Gavin. You don’t have to explain. I get it. You’re a dude. Dudes are allowed to have a lot of sex. You’re attractive, were a jock, and I’m sure the girls were lining up to be near you. Matt and Nick said it was a totally normal amount and it freaked me out a little because it’s an understatement to say I’m not experienced.”
“Louie.” I didn’t hear his explanation because his phone’s ring cut him off. He glared at the screen and furrowed his brows.
“Excuse me, I gotta take this. Hey, how’s it going?” Gavin paced down the sidewalk out of hearing distance.
I waited, sipping water until I emptied the cup, wondering who called, and why they were more important than Gavin confessing his sexual sins. Our waiter returned to refill my glass and brought our pizza before Gavin reappeared.
“Someone from this place I’m volunteering at.” He eyed the pizza and pulled two slices. Before I could ask more about his volunteer gig, he reverted to our earlier conversation.
“It’s not because I didn’t want to have a long-term relationship. I liked the idea of it, but I was working through a lot of shit with my family and the last thing I wanted was another person sucking up time I didn’t have.”
“You didn’t want a long-term relationship.” I blew on my piece before I took a bite, steam still rising from the garlic red sauce.
“Technically, you’re right. I didn’t want anything long-term. But once I got my shit together, I wanted something more meaningful. Besides, I was a horny bastard in college. The girls liked me, and it was easy to score with a lot of beautiful women.”
Of course, scoring women came easy. Why did he have to be a sex deity in human form? I nodded. “No apologies?” He certainly didn’t sugar coat anything.
“I wasn’t shy about my expectations.”
I groaned because he sounded a little too much like Matt and Nick. No wonder they all got along.
“I feel like I’ve heard this excuse before from your entire gender. As long as the girl knows what your expectations are, you don’t have to worry if you fuck ‘em and dump ‘em? Nick and Matt say the same thing and I think it’s a total cop out giving guys a free pass to screw as many women as possible, while we women have to hold out until we find true love.”
“Complete bullshit. I think a woman has as much right as a man to have sex with as many partners as she likes, without feeling shame.” Sounded like a quote straight out of a Gloria Steinem article.
“Humph.” I took a bite of my pizza and glared, thankful the food in my mouth prevented me from saying anything antagonistic.
“I didn’t ask you out to debate the societal expectations of gender and sexuality.” Gavin ran his fingers through his hair. “Shit, this is coming out all wrong.”
“It’s fine, I get it. Like I said, Matt and Nick had the same opinion. And they’re two of my best friends. I’m not going to think less of you because of your man-whoring ways.”
I giggled. Because let’s face it, all three engaged in man-whoring at least once in their lives.
“Former man-whoring.” Gavin winked at me, joining in on my teasing. “Can I ask you a question?”
My mouth full of pizza, I garbled an almost inaudible, “Sure?”
“Are you seeing anyone?”
“You mean my therapist?”
He chuckled again. “No, Lou. A romantic partner. Maybe someone back home?”
“Oh, no. Are you kidding me? Of course not. Look at me.” No one ever wanted to date me back home because I didn’t have the correct shaped eyes.
Yet, here was Gavin. And he had no problem finding dates. Though he went to school with other Asians. Being multi-racial, he also got all the positive features from both parents, like the big eyes, folds in his lids, perma-tan, and aquiline nose. And his build resembled a tank.
My eyes were flat and small. Like my chest. No wonder guys weren’t into me. Stop it Louie. Affirmations, not self-deprecation. Dr. Liz was going to have a field day with me next week.
Gavin frowned. “Louie, I’m getting the feeling you have a very distorted image of what you look like.”
Ya think? “I’m working on it.” I took another bite of my pizza and chewed slowly, not wanting to go through the macros of a slice of pizza. “It’s hard growing up different from everyone else. Where blond hair, blue eyes, and curves made up every teenage boy’s wet-dream.”
He opened his mouth, but I waved him off. “You were lucky because you resemble your parents and got to grow up in California. California’s practically the hub of diversity. My family’s as white as they come, and while they meant well, they didn’t always say the most helpful things. Stuff like, ‘We don’t see you as Asian, just our sweet beautiful Louise.’
“They had good intentions, but they were basically telling me repeatedly, in order to be sweet and beautiful, I couldn’t be Asian. They had never acknowledged the one feature everyone else kept slamming in my face. Trust me, I tried to pretend I was white, but my stupid mirror wouldn’t let me forget. No one did.”
No, they taunted me, and made stupid racist jokes and slanted their eyes at me. I fixated on the road, choking back the pain. I shook my head, embarrassed I revealed too much to him.
And fuck, I lost the fight with my tear ducts. I sniffed, and the unwanted moisture rolled down my face.
“It crushed me.” This was why I wasn’t ready to be in a relationship. I wouldn’t be able to deal with all the emotional crap and whatever other shit might surface during therapy. Internally, I shook my head. Nope. Not ready.
“Louie.” Gavin leaned across the table and wiped a tear with his thumb. My head jerked back in reflex.
Devastated I lost it in front of him, the napkin in my lap became the security blanket I used to wipe away any incriminating dampness. “Ignore me, I’m lame-o. It’s totally cool. I’m good. How are you?” Yep, I successfully solidified my place in the annals of bonafide crazy.
Gavin leaned back in his chair, resting his folded hands on his stomach.
“I’m good. Though my childhood wasn’t always ideal either. I didn’t get made fun of because I’d beat the shit out of anyone who tried teasing me. But living at home wasn’t easy.” Gavin clenched his teeth, while the side of his jaw twitched.
“Right, why didn’t you want to go home?” I pulled myself together and felt less vulnerable when the topic shifted from me to him.
Gavin placed his napkin on the plate in front of him and sighed. “I had a sister named Monica, two years younger than me. She had some issues with her thyroid, called Cushing’s syndrome, and as a result, carried more weight on her frame than was normal.
“We didn’t figure out what caused her weight gain until she was almost a teenager, but by then, the kids had already bullied her with fat jokes. I was young and did my best to avoid her at school. And I couldn’t stand my parents’ badgering me all the time to be there for her, like a shackle.”
Gavin wiped his face several times. “Once we realized everything, I did my best to be there for her. She wanted nothing to do with me.” A pregnant pause. “And then she took her life. She was only fourteen.”
“Shit.” I didn’t know what else to say, because this sounded nothing like the Gavin I imagined.
“Yeah. Shit. I should have been there to protect her, and I didn’t. Instead I was a self-centered stupid ass punk. I spent the rest of my high school years trying to avoid my parents’ disappointment, and the guilt I felt every time they fucking looked at me.”
Gavin shifted his attention to the pedestrians meandering on the sidewalk. “I hope you’ve tossed your shitty pedestal away.” His voice detached. Abruptly he stood up and tossed two twenty-dollar bills on the table. “Sorry, Louise. I gotta go.”
My nose prickled, and a lump formed in my throat. I nodded, watching until his figure retreated beyond my view. Because, crap, we were both a bit unstable, and I didn’t have the strength to stop us from toppling. I had barely enough stamina to keep myself steady. I wasn’t proud of my decision, but I couldn’t go running after him, either. Supporting him intimidated me.
I placed one foot in front of the other until I made it home, flustered by memories of Gavin’s presence in my room the night before. I wouldn’t be able to cope with a relationship yet. Not if it hurt like this when we weren’t even officially dating.