Chapter 8
Over the next few weeks, I adopted a routine schedule. I went to class, had sessions with Dr. Liz, tutoring, piano and composition with Gavin.
Sierra and Matt debated nonstop, as I optimistically called it, Emmy crushed on some new guy from the business school, and Nick spent time writing songs at Gavin’s place.
My big accomplishment? I finally figured out how to talk to Gavin in class, since he graced my presence three times a week, and he was my “partner” for composition.
Walking home from class, I finally caught up with my brother.
“Jamie, you rat-bastard, why haven’t you returned my phone calls ‘til now?”
The air cooled a few degrees, making the walk a little more bearable than the ninety plus degree weather we had in August and almost one hundred percent humidity.
“Excuse me, butt-munch, but I have. You’re the one refusing to pick up.” His voice danced over the phone.
“Whatever.” I enjoyed the verbal sparring we did in lieu of any mushy shit. “Be honest, how are you?”
“I’m good, kiddo.” And the phone did an excellent job of relaying goodness over three thousand miles of satellite pinging, or however cell phone technology worked.
“Tell me. I’m all ears.”
“Well, I’m still working part time at Google, though classes are killing me.” I heard the excitement in his voice, even if balancing school and work did sap a lot of his energy.
“Duh, it is Stanford.” I would never want to go to Stanford. Of course, I’d been Jamie’s biggest cheerleader. However, subjecting myself to academic hell held zero appeal.
“I knew it’d be hard, but it doesn’t hit ya until you’re in the thick of it,” he offered.
“I have no doubt you’ll be awesome. You’re one of the smartest dudes I know.” Literally. A national merit scholar, he scored almost perfect on his SAT’s and GRE’s.
“Thanks, sis. Your compliments are rare. I’ll add this one to the coveted list.” I envisioned his blue eyes crinkling as he laughed.
I snickered. “Don’t get too cocky, I can take them back, too.”
“But you wouldn’t because I’m the best big brother ever, in the history of big brothers.”
“And if we opened the dictionary, your picture would be there, blah, blah, blah.”
“I’ve trained you well, young Padawan.” Jamie introduced me to Star Wars. No Hello Kitty shit growing up because I was going to be a Jedi.
“Again, whatever. Anything else amazing and awesome you want to share?” I could tell by the pitch in his voice he had other news to share.
“Yeah, I think I met someone.”
“Like a girl?”
“No, a slug. Of course, a girl.”
This stopped my feet on the side of the road because Jamie hadn’t dated in a couple years. His last girlfriend situation didn’t end well, and he didn’t like to talk about it.
“Wow, Jamie. This is huge.” I made sure I wasn’t playing real life Frogger and crossed the street toward our rental.
“We met over the summer. Nothing is happening yet, but I think she might be the one.”
Oh, no. This felt like déjà vu when Jamie was in love with Carrie. I squeezed my lips together, physically forcing myself to think before I spoke. I wanted to support Jamie and be excited for him. But I didn’t want him to get hurt again.
“Yeah?” My sixth-sense told me not to bring up Carrie at all.
“Yeah.” And I heard him smiling through the phone, if, you know, smiles made noise.
“Are you gonna tell me about her?”
“Well, her name is Silvia. She’s . . . ummm, a couple years older than me . . . from France, actually. And we have a lot in common. We’re always joking. It feels good.” Jamie waited a beat. “We’re taking it slow. Or at least I am. She may not realize yet what’s happening. But I plan to help her see the light soon.”
“Yay. This is like sunshine and rainbows and shit. I’m happy for you.” The fact he remained even-keeled? A very positive sign. He seemed to be approaching this one with some caution. At least I hoped he did.
“What about you? Any guy catch your fancy? Do I have to fly out there and scare the shit out of him?”
“No, no boyfriend yet.” No lies here. Gavin and I weren’t dating, and I wasn’t ready to explain my infatuation with him to Jamie.
It could either end with him goading me constantly about finally being in love, or him warning me against all men because they couldn’t be trusted, especially around his baby sister.
Jamie had never been good with the idea of his little sis all grown up, thus why he tended to put the kibosh on any of his fraternity brothers even attempting to speak to me.
I had spent Jamie’s last two years in college thoroughly annoyed whenever I went to visit. Let’s get real. No way I’d jump the first guy who said hello, but it would have been nice to at least have had a conversation longer than:
Hey, how are ya.
Good, you?
Can’t complain. What’s your name?
Louie. You?
Oh shit, you’re Louie? I gotta go. Jamie’ll kick the shit outta me.
And unfortunately, Jamie could have kicked the shit out of a lot of guys. Especially after he had decided to take up kickboxing his freshman year in college. When I had confronted him about scaring off all the guys, he scoffed and left me with an explanation far from satisfying.
“Lou, you don’t want to date those guys, trust me.”
“Why? Maybe I do? I’ll never know since someone keeps scaring them away.”
“And I’ll continue to scare them away because you’re my baby sister, and they’re not worthy of you.”
“Not even Seth?” Jamie’s best friend.
“Hell, no, especially not Seth.”
For my sanity, I opted to leave Gavin out of this conversation. Maybe next time.
“Well, when you decide to finally date, you let me know, and I’ll kick the shit out of him.”
“Jamie, intimidation doesn’t endear me to let you know. Ever. Why would I want you kicking my non-existent future boyfriend’s ass? I wouldn’t.” See, this was why I didn’t mention anything about Gavin.
“Well, if he gets a good ass beating, then he’ll know not to fuck with you.”
“Don’t you think I’ll be able to pick a guy who’s going to treat me well?” I switched the phone to my other ear.
“You never know. Let your big bro watch out for you.” I still don’t think he forgave himself for graduating before me. Not that he could help it. He tried to protect me as much as he could before he left for college.
I sighed heavily into the phone.
“Theatrics don’t become you.” His tone overprotective again.
“And bullying non-existent boyfriends doesn’t become you.”
“All right, already. Message received. But you’ll still tell me if any guy comes into the picture?” After his threats? Never gonna happen.
“Yeah, yeah, we’ll see,” I acquiesced.
“Well, I gotta go to my class. Accounting awaits.”
“Sounds scintillating.”
He chortled. “Oh, it is. It’s beyond scintillating. Number crunching and balancing. Gets me going every time.”
“I gotta head out, too. Dinner with the roommates.”
“Well, say hi to the crew and stay out of trouble.” The few visits Jamie made to Newsom had always involved partying with the gang, and a marathon of Mario Kart.
“Will do. And good luck with Silvia.”
“Good talking with you, sis. I miss you, you know.”
“Miss you too. Let’s not wait eons to talk again. Love ya.”
Even if he was overbearing sometimes, he had my back when we were kids. Too bad he didn’t pick a school closer to the East Coast, but he practically had wet dreams over Stanford. I’d have to make sure to call more often.
“Love ya too, kiddo,” he said.
I ended the phone call and paused before heading inside. Talking to Jamie, even for a little bit, always warmed my insides. Taking a deep breath, peace engulfed me.
The sweet smell of mountain laurels mixed with cut grass brought my nose a feast as the sun set. I think the birds agreed, chirping non-stop.
“You’re home.” Sierra greeted me when I opened the front door. I checked the time on my cell. 5:36pm. No wonder my stomach grumbled ugly to me.
Sierra pulled me through the living room, and to the left where the bedrooms were located.
“Uh, hey. What’s up?” I asked.
“He’s here.” Sierra’s eyes threatened to bulge out of her sockets.
“Who’s here?” My stomach fluttered.
Sierra hissed. “Gavin.” Like the Cheshire Cat, she behaved suspiciously playful, yet sneaky.
“What? Why is he here?” My heart apparently didn’t want my stomach to feel lonely, because it joined in the fluttering.
“Hanging out with Nick.” She cocked her head toward Nick’s room.
“But they always hang out at his house ‘cause he’s got his piano, and shit.” My fingers shook, despite my efforts to contain my nerves at school. Why couldn’t I convert calmness to the house?
“Well, today they are here, he’s gorgeous, and guess what?” Sierra enacted her best Groucho Marx impersonation, her brows lifting repeatedly.
“I have a feeling you’re going to tell me anyway.” I leaned the side of my head against the frame of her bedroom door.
“He’s single.”
“Oh.” He’s single. I guess the valley girl twins were going to scream like hyenas in delirium. How the hell did Adonis reincarnate remain single? Unless he was a player. Shit. He was a player. Why did I think he wouldn’t be a player? He had too many similarities to Matty and Nick.
Though to be fair, Matty and Nick were candid about expectations and didn’t sleep with nearly half the women I teased them about.
I suppose I’ll even admit Matt maintained a monogamous relationship with the professor. Well, at least monogamous on his end. They were my best friends. I couldn’t slam them too much, could I? Based on my twisted logic, maybe Gavin wasn’t as bad?
Sierra interrupted my rumination. “Louie. Say something. This is exciting. He could be the one.”
“The one?” What the frick did that mean, the one? This wasn’t the fucking Matrix.
“You know.”
“Uh, not following you.”
She grabbed my hand and led me to her bedroom, shutting the door. Rubbing her forehead, she sighed. “You know, the one who breaks the barrier.”
“What barrier?”
“Do I have to spell it out for you?” She gave my shoulders a quick shake.
“Clearly, because I’m clueless to what you’re talking about. I don’t have any barriers.” I ignored the fact my arms were crossed on my chest and abruptly squashed acknowledging the oxymoron of my body language.
“Girlfriend, you have barriers you don’t even know exist.”
My backpack provided extra cushion when I leaned back against the door, waiting for an explanation I’m sure I didn’t want to hear.
“He’s the first guy you’re attracted to and remotely crushing on, and he’s single. And he’s friends with Nick. This could be your first hookup. He could be the one to bring you out of singlehood into the wonderful world of dating. Not only could he be the one to break your dating barrier, he might go where no man has gone before and break your hymen barrier, too.”
I literally stopped and made a mental note to close my mouth. “Whoa, whoa, whoa. I’m pretty certain there’s an unspoken rule about never using the word hymen in Star Trek references.”
My arms were still crossed. “Listen, I only just met the dude, and now you have me losing my virginity to him? And stop smoking crack ‘cause it’s not good for your brain cells, and makes you say bat-shit crazy shit,” I managed through clenched teeth.
Sierra shook her head and placed her hands on her hips, about to scold me. “I’m not kidding. And you can throw the ‘just met him’ excuse out the window, since you’ve known him for almost a month. You’re super cute, he’s pretty much Michelangelo’s David, and you’d make an adorable couple. If I were still a virgin, I’d totally be figuring out how to get him to deflower me. Hell, if I were a dude, I’d be figuring out how to deflower you too.”
“Sierra . . .” I kneaded my temples with my thumb and fingers. “I don’t think my chances are good. Not after he told me I was an odd duck.”
“Oh no, what did you do?”
I stepped closer to her bed and shrugged. “I may have leaned over and taken a whiff of him while he showed me something on the piano?” Granted, our interlude had been a couple weeks ago, but replayed like a broken tape in my mind. My mouth experienced confusion about whether it should be frowning or smiling after I admitted my blunder.
“Oh, Louie. You’re supposed to be incognito when you go in for the sniff test. Not so blatant he notices.”
“Notices what?” I frowned when Nick appeared out of nowhere.
“Do you know how to knock, Nick?” Sierra snapped. “We’re trying to have a private discussion here. Hence the door being shut and all.” Both hands still square on her hips.
“It’s not like you’re usually this secretive. Makes me wonder.” Nick leaned against the hallway wall and assessed us with narrowing eyes. “Would you ladies care to join us? We’re ordering some Thai food.”
Nick supplied Sierra a menu. He turned toward me. “Are you going to join the land of the living, or stay a recluse in Sierra’s bedroom?” I decided it best to ignore him, especially when his eyes glimmered like they were doing now.
“Massaman chicken, medium spice for me.” Sierra handed the menu back to Nick.
“Same ole same ole for you, love?” he asked me.
“Yep, Pad Thai, medium spice, but make it tofu and shrimp today.”
“You got it.” Nick left and ordered the food, while Sierra narrowed her eyes at me.
“What?” In contrast, I opened my eyes as wide as they’d go.
She smiled before she pulled me into her room, and eased the door shut again. “We’re strategizing because there is a beautiful single man out there who is going to eat dinner with us. And you’ll have your first lesson in flirting.”
“If you think he’s beautiful, why don’t you go for him?” No way in hell I’d start practicing my flirt with Gavin tonight.
“I cannot believe you would think so little of me.” I dodged a pillow and waited for her to continue. “Yes, he’s beautiful, but I would never stoop low enough to steal your potential man. Besides, you should have seen his body language with you at Groove. Well, the time after you went all premenstrual on him. He was totally into you.”
“I doubt it.” Optimism and I didn’t match when it came to the opposite sex.
Undeterred, Sierra ploughed on. “You remember? The night Nick’s band played. Gavin totally ignored Victoria and followed you to get drinks.”
“Sierra, I think you’re reading into things. He was being nice. I couldn’t carry all those drinks by myself, and Matt wasn’t exactly jumping up and down to help.” Negatron on telling Sierra about Gavin caging me against the bar.
“Stop being such an Eeyore. Face it. Guys find you attractive. Quit scaring everyone away with your ‘don’t even think about making a move on me’ vibe. Which leads me back to my original point. I’m calling an impromptu flirting session right now.” She shook me again.
“Okay, thanks, Sierra, but I’m outta here. I can’t do weird and it’s gonna be weird. I don’t flirt. I literally saw Gavin at tutoring yesterday and did absolutely zero flirting. No way do I want him to think I want to hookup.
“My goal, at this point, is to have a normal conversation with him and I’m finally starting to have them, sort of. Getting laid is miles from reality it’s not even on the radar. Besides, I have mucho homework.” Not a cop out, I swear. I did have a lot of homework already, no thanks to Dr. Haven.
“We’ve only had a month of school. Midterms aren’t for another month. I’m certain you can take some time to hang out. Let him see how fun and witty you are. And true story, guys like an intelligent girl who doesn’t take herself too seriously.”
“Look, I will hang out with you guys when the food comes. I promise.” I fumbled with her door knob before it twisted open. Immediately followed by an, “Ooophhff” as I fell into a hard wall of muscle on my way out.
Yeah, I crashed into Gavin. Less than sexy, although his arms wrapped around my back and prevented me from falling further to the ground.
“Hey, you okay?” he asked.
I noticed his arms still encased me, and for the first time, instead of the heebie-jeebies, I felt safe in a man’s arms. A man I didn’t automatically toss into the friend category.
Formulating a sentence was a moot point, surprise surprise, but I did manage to nod. I inspected his eyes and noticed they were indeed green, with flecks of amber scattered around the irises.
And my chest thumped obnoxiously again.
“Ahem.” Sierra asserted in an octave higher than normal and pranced around us. “Moseying around you two.”
We both jumped back from each other, and my eyes found the ground, the ceiling, Maynard laying on Sierra’s bed, pretty much anything but Gavin’s face.
Gavin messed with his hair. “Nick’s heading out to grab the food. Wanted to know if either one of you wanted to go with him.”
“I’ll go.” Sierra volunteered before I had a chance to take a breath. “You guys stay here. Matt’s not coming home until later tonight.”
She promptly left us standing in awkward silence. Like Gavin didn’t get her innuendo. No joke, a mini panic attack ensued. What if he figured out I felt something for him, but he didn’t reciprocate?
Or, what if he did want to date me? What if he tried to kiss me? The last guy I kissed was Rob Jones in seventh grade, which left my lips chapped, and my chin drenched in slobber.
“Soooo, I’m gonna put my stuff in my room.” I pointed down the hall toward the last bedroom at the end and cursed myself for showing him my room. Then again, it’s not like he couldn’t figure it out on his own.
Was I being too presumptuous to assume he would even want to know what room belonged to me? “Soooo, this is my room.” I pushed open the door, as he followed me inside.
Once inside, he backed me up against the door. “Louise.” He stepped toward me and reached above my shoulder to push the door shut. “We need to talk.”
I gulped. “We do?”
He leaned in closer to me. “We do,” he murmured. One hand positioned next to my head as he partially trapped me with his body. He tilted his head toward my ear. “You don’t have to be afraid of me.”
I wanted to tell him it’s not him I feared, but me. Guy didn’t like more than a carry-on for baggage, but right now my past could fill a plane.
My track record of “being sane” was all of eight weeks. Information I would not relay this evening. “It’s not you?” I literally squeaked. So not sexy.
He brushed a few escaped strands from my braid, behind my ear. A rush of heat swallowed my body, and I peered down. Afraid to face him.
“I’m struggling to figure you out. You’re making it pretty damn difficult.”
“I am?” I sputtered before my breath caught. Poop in a handbasket. Would he kiss me? Please say not, or at least, not yet.
What the fuck Louie? For sure you want him to kiss you. Instead I remained paralyzed by my inexperience.
“Yeah, you are. One minute you’re throwing daggers in my direction, and then you’re joking around and acting like a bumbling—”
“Odd duck?” Shit. Why did I have to go and remind him?
Gavin’s eyes glimmered before he agreed. “Something like that.”
Well now what was I supposed to say? I failed at all this flirting stuff, and maybe I should have taken a few pointers from Sierra on flirting before she left.
I did the only thing I knew how to do in a situation like this. I’d probably look back at this as un utter fail, but I couldn’t control my mouth.
“Um. You are intimidating. And I was rude to you on day one and not prepared for a critique, but you were right and I handled it pretty crappy, and so not ready for Gupta to call on me but pretty sure Nick jinxed me by reassuring me Gupta would not call on me, but he did because Dave couldn’t keep his trap shut, and then yesterday I got defensive again because you were right.” I wondered how much I resembled a conductor about to finish Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony.
“Take a breath, and let it go. It happened weeks ago.”
With his interruption, I braved a look at the most gorgeous man I’d seen up-close in forever, and swiftly shut my mouth.
“You flare your nostrils a lot at me, and it’s beginning to give me a complex. Like it’s secret Morse code for get this guy away from me,” Gavin commented.
“Nervous habit.” Shit, stupid nostrils.
Gavin backed away from me a bit until his calves hit the mattress and box spring lying directly on the floor. He eased himself down to the point where his legs dwarfed the height of the bed.
No way I could join him either, no matter how tempting my feather comforter and quilted duvet cover appeared. Too scary. I remained standing against the door.
Gavin hunched forward with his elbows on his knees, hands clasped under his chin. “I’m not sure what to say to convince you I’m not a serial killer. I find you quite interesting. Since we’re going to be seeing a lot of each other this year, it would be nice if it wasn’t awkward or confusing all the time.”
It was awkward and confusing because I didn’t know how to relax around guys, especially one of the most gorgeous men I had ever seen in all my twenty years of life. No lie. The new Calvin Klein underwear model on the billboards in Times Square couldn’t hold a candle to Gavin.
My knees eventually gave out and I melted down to a seated position on the floor, my back still against the door. I would have to figure out how not to hyperventilate every time I saw him. Normal behavior finally welcomed me whenever I saw him in class or for tutoring.
Too bad the social environment caught me off-balance.
I sighed and forced my lips to zerbert the air. “Honestly, Gavin. It’s not you. It’s me. I’m weird. I don’t know how to act around guys, minus Nick and Matt, but they don’t count.”
Gavin grunted. “I’m pretty certain they’d be a little offended to hear they don’t qualify as guys.”
“You know what I mean. I mean, look at you.” I waved up and down in his direction. “I’m sure you haven’t gone a month without a date since you were past the stage of acne. Although knowing you, you probably didn’t even have any acne. No clue why I’m talking about acne. Erm, forget I ever mentioned acne.” I zeroed in on the top of my feet and whispered under my breath. “I have to quit saying acne.”
I continued. “You’re kind of a big deal here. Everyone is talking about you like you walk on water, and freshmen want to have your babies.”
He stifled a groan.
“I guess I was embarrassed I mucked up in front of you and on top of everything, my staying in the major is dependent on passing the last of my theory and sight-singing classes, and I didn’t know how to recover.” After averting my eyes, I gathered courage to face him again.
“It’s like I’m not worthy to be in your presence. I am, of course, worthy.” I bit the top of my lip and fidgeted with the hem of my shirt. “I don’t know what I mean. You’re right. I’ll get over my freak-out and we’ll get along finer than a frog’s hair.”
Waaaaay too long, Louie. And finer than frog’s hair? I swear, the next time I saw my best friend from high school, I’d flog her for implanting frog’s hair in my mind. After saying the expression every day our senior year in high school, the phrase solidified in my brain.
The back of my head banged against the door, and I contemplated the shadows projected on the ceiling from my bed and nightstand.
Gavin must have gotten up from the bed because he appeared next to me on the floor. “You gotta take me off this pedestal. I’m more flawed than you think, and once you figure it out, I’ll fall too far to recover.”
Gavin nudged me. “For now, think of me as one of the guys, well, non-guys, and we can see about that frog’s hair.”
Not possible, because I didn’t want to see Nick or Matt naked. But I forced a smile. “Yeah, sure. One of the guys.”
“We’re home,” Sierra yelled from the living room.
“Shall we?” Gavin held out his hand and, fuck me, I took it.