Chapter 11
After I had made it home from lunch Friday afternoon, I executed the motions of a college student doing homework and song-writing before I collapsed on my bed. The weekend had been a blur, and I spent my next therapy session talking about Gavin and his mood swings.
We still hadn’t begun EMDR because we addressed my freak-out based on said man. At least I had finished my therapy homework and would be ready to start EMDR the following week.
Dr. Liz said my avoidance of Gavin reinforced how important it was to focus on my abandonment issues, and the harassment I faced as a child.
My therapist was right. I dreaded the imminent pain, which illustrated why we couldn’t put off dealing with the trauma any longer
“Okay, Dr. Liz. Next week. I promise I’ll be ready.” I slung my purse across my shoulder and slipped both arms into the straps of my backpack, already itching to get to class.
“Louise, think of this as another tool we can use to help with your healing. It’s not designed to prolong pain. Contrary to popular belief, therapists aren’t sadists.”
“I know. I’m scared. There, I said it.” I faced the door, my hand clutching the doorknob.
“It’s normal to be afraid. There’s a lot there, Louise, and it comes from a place of vulnerability. But being able to address it will only make your center stronger and make you more capable of nurturing yourself.” Dr. Liz remained seated in her chair.
“I know. It still doesn’t take away the fact I’m nervous.” I turned toward her and produced a tight-lipped smile. It was the closest I got to feeling confident, though she had never steered me wrong before. I’d ignore my insecurity and continue to trust her.
“Talk to him, Louise.” Her final words of wisdom reverberated in my ears, while I power-walked through campus to make it to my class on time.
My purse buzzed. Text message from Gavin:
Gavin: Are you at home? On campus?
Another buzz.
Gavin: Can I come see you?
Me: I’m on my way to class. Can we chat later this week?
Gavin: Tonight?
I checked my calendar and saw there was nothing after 6pm.
Me: 6:30 work?
Gavin: See you soon.
After dinner, I locked myself in my room again. Apparently, Dr. Liz’s appointment took a little extra energy, and my body fell into a semi-sleep state. A light tapping on my door, followed by Sierra popping her head in to say—“Hey, Lou. Gavin’s here. You ready to see him?”—awoke me.
I removed the crust from the corners of my eyes and nodded. “Yeah, give me a sec.”
A few minutes later Gavin appeared. My guess, he wanted to talk about what happened at lunch last Friday.
“Louie, I’m sorry. I got pissed at myself, and it killed me to see the disappointment in your eyes.”
I barely lifted my lips. “Gavin, I’m not disappointed in you. I’m sure it was hard, but you can’t blame yourself for your sister’s death.” It didn’t escape my notice he tended to run away rather than stick it out. But he stayed with me.
His eyes went hard, and his fists clenched at his sides, something he seemed to frequently do when angry. “No, you don’t get it. I abandoned her when she needed me the most. I only cared about being popular, and I did what I could to ignore her. I’m essentially at fault.”
“I’m not sure I’m going to be able to say anything to make you change your mind. But I hope you figure out someday soon it was ultimately your sister’s choice.” Yes, I channeled Dr. Liz, and she’d be proud of me. “I’m not disappointed.”
Gavin moved to the bed and sat across from me. Something about how he hung his head made me conjure up a few more ounces of courage, and I reached out and framed my palm on the side of his face. The stubble scratched and tickled. I wondered if he had gotten any sleep. He turned his head and pressed my palm to his lips.
I gasped as he swept his lips against my palm, sending shivers up my back. What was I doing? I wasn’t ready for this. But damn, he made me feel things I didn’t think my body was capable of feeling.
He lifted his gaze toward mine. “I know I’m probably not good enough for you. But I promised myself I wouldn’t be one of those assholes who pretended nothing ever happened. I faked enough as a kid and owe it to my sister to bring awareness about bullying and teenage suicide.” He combed his hand through his hair and groaned. “Shit, I sound like a fucking PSA.”
I gawked at him incredulously. “Are you kidding? How did my weird antics and baggage not have you screaming bloody murder in the opposite direction?”
Still holding my hand, Gavin kissed it again. “You are weird. But you make me laugh. For some reason, I know this sounds corny, but you give me hope. I know we’ve only known each other a month, and I’m getting the better deal out of this. But hey, I’m a selfish bastard and I want to see where this will go, if you’ll have me.” A tiny smile escaped his lips as he maintained his hold on me.
Shut the door. I gave him hope? Definitely a step up from interesting and odd duck. And he couldn’t stay away from me?
If anything, he was getting the short end of the stick. Only, he didn’t know it yet. Because once the details of my crazy time came out in the open, he’d realize his mistake. No dude wanted to take on someone’s recovery from addiction.
Fear fed the skeptical part of my brain already determined to let Gavin go. As soon as he found out about my past, he’d be hightailing away from me at mock speed. It wouldn’t be fair to him and he deserved someone who had their shit together.
“And, I can’t stop thinking about what it would feel like to kiss you.”
My eyes widened with his confession. Holy hell, it was coming. A real kiss and I had no idea how to stop it, or how to make it better because I knew how terrible I’d be. Still, how nice it would be to finally kiss someone I found attractive. Although relationships frightened me, I ached to experience a real kiss. One little kiss couldn’t hurt, could it?
“Please tell me you’re feeling this, too,” he urged.
I became acutely aware of the soft brush of his lips against my temple and I held my breath. Gavin gently lifted my chin and forced me to confront the chemistry between us, causing my teeth to feast on my bottom lip, and leave an imprint.
“Louie?” Gavin scoured my face for a response. I couldn’t say anything. I shut my eyes and let myself think about what might happen if I said yes. Yes, to being with him. And then I shut down. Because I wasn’t brave enough to handle rejection if it didn’t work out.
Me and my stupid abandonment issues sabotaging any possibility of finding love. But a potential kiss. There was no denying I was attracted to him.
And, Schnikes, what happened if he wanted more than a kiss? Would I freak out? Die of embarrassment? Dr. Liz said I would never be ready until I stopped analyzing and allowed myself to let go.
I opened my eyes again. My heart leapt, but I had to say something. Right now, the most pressing issue? The pending kiss. “Gavin, I have to tell you something.”
His chin tilted down as he waited for my confession.
I grimaced. “Remember I told you I wasn’t very experienced?”
“With dating?”
“And everything that kinda goes with it?” Lordy, how do I tell a guy that I don’t know how to kiss, let alone anything else beyond first base?
“If you’re worried about how good you’ll be in bed, trust me, I’m sure you’re perfect.”
Shit, Gavin wasn’t making this easy. Again, how does one come out and say I suck because I’ve never properly kissed anyone, let alone had sex?
“I’m not over-exaggerating. I haven’t had a lot of experience at all with, you know.”
A chortle escaped before he placed his hands on my shoulders. “I think you have nothing to worry about.”
I nodded and watched as his head angled closer to mine. “Okay, remember, not a lot of experience.” I leaned back, making my case one last time.
“Louie,” Gavin muttered. He encroached me like I was injured prey. My heart somersaulted inside my chest cavity.
He bent his head toward mine, and I sensed a soft breath caress my cheek before his lips found mine. I told myself it was only a kiss, not a promise. A flutter danced in my tummy as he licked the seam of my mouth and sought entrance. When our tongues collided, he pressed against my shoulders and pushed me away.
“Jesus Christ, you weren’t kidding.”
And I died. I shriveled up and died.
“I told you I was inexperienced.” I disintegrated my face into my pillow.
“Hey.” I felt his fingers caress my shoulder, his voice laced with amusement. “I’m sorry, I’m a shithead. I thought you were kidding.”
“Please go away.”
He shook my shoulder again. “Come on, Lou. I was rude and shouldn’t have laughed.” He laid down next to me, staring at the spot between me and the ceiling. “How inexperienced are we talking?”
I turned my head in the opposite direction of his.
“Louie.”
My face turned back toward his again. “Fine. You were my first real kiss. I guess I officially had my first and only kiss in seventh grade, but I don’t count it because the boy tried to drown me in saliva.”
Gavin rolled to his back, clapped his hands, and cackled. I maneuvered to my side and tried to push him off the edge of the bed. Not easy when he weighed almost a good eighty pounds more than me.
“Okay, okay. I’ll try to be serious. I promise. It’s hard to imagine a girl as beautiful as you could get to the age of twenty without a proper kiss. Especially this day and age.”
“Well, meet the freak show.”
He lightly brushed my cheek with the side of his pointer finger, before stroking my hair. “I take it you’ve never had a boyfriend either?”
“Wow. You’re quick. No wonder you have a full ride here.”
“Hey, I don’t want to make any more assumptions.”
“Anything you can possibly think of sexually besides masturbation? I can guarantee you, I haven’t done it.”
Gavin sat up, his eyelids lifted. “You masturbate? ‘Cause that’s pretty hot to watch.”
I seized my pillow and held it over my head. “Forget I said anything.”
Gavin lifted the edge of the pillow. “Don’t be embarrassed. It’s a good thing. It’ll help me understand how to better make you come.”
Humiliation seeped through every pore. “Gavin, I’m fairly certain I’m not ready to even think about masturbation, let alone have the courage to ever try kissing again.”
“About that.” He took the pillow away from my face and leaned over me, his left arm positioned beside my head. He curled some strands of hair through his fingers.
I smelled the aftershave and soap he wore, and while my brain almost rotted with mortified by our failed kiss, my nose reveled in scented bliss. “I think it’s my duty to rewrite your first real kiss.”
Gavin descended toward me.
“But I don’t know what I’m doing.”
He pressed forward and grinned. “Your lips can kiss me back, you know. Step number one. And with your tongue? Lightly respond. You don’t have to jam it all in at once. You’re not plugging a hole. Don’t get me wrong, I love a hard physical kiss. But for this first, well, second time? We can explore. Have some fun.” One half of his mouth lifted upward. “Follow my lead and don’t over think it. You won’t suck, I promise.”
“Too late,” I murmured.
Gavin skimmed his fingers along my chin. “I’m going to kiss you now,” he said softly.
Instantly, all the clutter in my head dissipated the moment his lips contacted mine again. The kiss began soft, sending more shudders through my belly. With his tongue he lightly traced along the edge of my bottom lip, requesting entrance one more time. A sigh escaped my mouth and another shock ripped through my chest as he slipped his tongue around mine.
And truth, this kiss was better than anything I could have imagined. I tried to mimic what he did but pulled away.
“Babe?” With his breath heavier than before, Gavin rested his forehead against mine.
“I’m afraid I’m doing it wrong,” I uttered. My eyes remained shut.
“You’re only doing it wrong if you stop.” He caressed my neck, trailing his hand down my shoulder blade. “You’re a fast learner. Relax and enjoy it.” His lips discovered mine again, adding a little more pressure before our tongues made contact.
My shoulders loosened as I became lost in his kiss.
“You taste so sweet.” Gavin bit my bottom lip and sucked, slowly dragging it between his teeth. My body relaxed against his and I held on to his shoulders before playing with the hair at the nape of his neck.
He jotted his lips against my jawline and made their way up to my left ear, before he skimmed my lobe. When he tickled the opening of my ear with his tongue, I felt myself getting wetter with each probe.
“Gavin.” I murmured. I fell in bliss when he paid attention to my ear. I never wanted him to stop, unless he decided my other ear ached for the same attention.
“Hmm?”
My brain stopped formulating words the moment his lips met my skin. My wish for the day involved staying in this very position, exploring each other.
Gavin melted his lips into mine and gave my bottom lip one last tug when we heard Sierra and Matt. “Anyone up for ice cream?” they yelled, followed by a few knocks on the door.
I whimpered at the loss of his mouth, and Gavin chuckled again. “Shall we?”
“I guess ice cream does sound good.” Like a little school girl, I peeked at Gavin. My heart beat like an out of control bass drum. “Umm, wow, umm, thanks,” I managed.
“My pleasure.” He rearranged a loose strand of hair behind my ear and pulled me close. With his arms encasing me like a shelter, he bent down and whispered in my ear. “Don’t think I’ve forgotten about my earlier question regarding us.”
I attempted side-tracking him about the awesomeness of his lips but stopped. To be fair, taking the next step scared the crap out of me.
Before I backed out of his request, he positioned his finger to still my lips. “I know you’re not ready yet. But I can wait, and I won’t play fair.”
He’d have to wait a long ass time.
Gavin squeezed my hand and tipped his chin toward the direction of our dining room. “You ready for this?” He raised our threaded hands.
“I think so?” Because how dangerous could holding hands be? I wasn’t ready for official status, but friends still held hands, right? He said he didn’t play fair, yet I knew he would be careful with me. At least I hoped.
Maybe in time, I could eventually do this relationship thing after all? And then I contemplated Gavin’s patience.
We decided to walk the eight blocks because the evening temperature hovered at an ideal seventy degrees. With a slight breeze. Gavin didn’t release my hand the entire walk. My cheeks burned as my roommates kept glancing back at us.
The butterflies in my stomach were circumventing the globe, and I worried the ice cream would play blender games in my tummy post consumption. I’d have to muscle it down to escape my roomies doubts about whether my eating disorder had returned or not.
I squashed my nerves and frolicked in my happy place when I realized how this was the first time I saw myself falling hard for someone. But it also meant if he left me, it had the potential to hurt ten-fold.
“Hey, what’s going on?” He squeezed my hand.
I soaked in Gavin, his teeth almost gleaming in the sunlight. “I’m good.”
“Good. Thought I lost you there for a moment. Penny for your thoughts?”
“Oh, nothing. Thinking about the summer and how fast it went. And now here I am.” I tried to give him a reassuring smile, though I’m certain he didn’t buy it. But he didn’t probe any further.
We arrived at Moosetracks and claimed a table on the veranda when Gavin’s phone rang. He pulled it out of the pocket of his khaki shorts. “I have to take this,” he groaned.
“Hey, what’s up?” His brows lowered. “I’m busy right now. No, it’s not a good time.”
“Shit.” Gavin mumbled before he released a gust of air. “Hold on, sweetheart. Yeah, I’ll be there.” He quickly stashed the phone in his pocket and sighed. “Guys, I’m sorry. I gotta go.” He leaned down and kissed me on the cheek. “I’ll call you later.”
“What the fuck?” Matt asked, eyebrows furrowed together as his gaze followed Gavin’s receding back.
“He had to go see someone?” Just voicing the sentence made me feel discarded.
“Did he even say where he’s going?” No joke, Matt dabbled on the brink of going rabid with Gavin.
“I don’t know? It’s not like we’re dating or anything. He’s under no obligation to tell me where he is twenty-four seven.” Because what else was I going to say?
“Well, why the fuck were you two kissing?” Matt clenched his fists, and the vein on the side of his neck bulged. Like Sierra, he never shied away from an interrogation, as long as he conducted the grilling.
“I don’t know. We’re kinda seeing what happens. No commitment or anything.”
Nick leaned back into his chair. “Doesn’t seem like he’d leave you. He knows you want commitment.”
“Well, it was actually what I wanted. I’ve already told you guys, I’m not ready for a relationship.” Obviously, him neither. If he still cared for this person, based on this display, I played second fiddle.
Moments ticked by as my roommates observed each other, having their silent conversation.
“Bloody playing with fire, if you ask me.” Nick finally broke the silence.
“No shit. He better not fuck you over or I’ll crush his fingers.” Matt’s threats were more bite than real.
Sierra leaned toward me. “You know I love you like a sister, and despite these two idiots’ attempts to make you feel better, we all want to make sure you know what you’re getting yourself into with Gavin.”
I plastered a line across my face and waited for my lecture.
“We know we’ve encouraged you to go after him, but we should’ve probably warned you, too. Gavin’s had a lot of experience, and we know you haven’t.” She hesitated and bit her lower lip. “We don’t want to see you get hurt.”
“I get it. I do. But this is on me, not Gavin. I’m old enough to have a little fun, right? I mean, you all do it, have flings here and there.” I waved toward my three roommates.
“Yes, but—” Sierra began until I interrupted.
“No buts. I’m an adult. And I’m not as fragile as you think I am. I’m ready to try some stuff and Gavin’s a willing partner. Besides, it’s none of you guys’ business.”
Matt exhaled and shook his head. “Fine. Be careful, okay? And the minute he does anything upsetting, let me know and I’ll take care of him.”
“Let’s backtrack. No one is going to do anything to Gavin. I can handle it. He didn’t do anything wrong.” I hoped my voice didn’t warble. I couldn’t deny my friends’ words left more than a niggling drop of anxiety as I recalled Gavin did in fact leave me for someone else.
Was I stupid and naïve, hoping I could be first? Hoping they wouldn’t walk away? Was it an ex? Were they still intimate? Did it matter? Because he still went to her and it hurt like fuck, bringing back an urge to punch away the festering pain in my gut.
I was too chicken-shit to go all-in with this relationship. Did I even have a right to be upset? Probably not.
I sat in silence and formed a hole into my ice-cream cup. No way I’d let my roommates know how much I already hurt. After ten minutes of ignoring them, and shrugging at their ensuing questions, I bolted.
“Hey, you guys stay here and eat. I’m swamped with homework, and still have to practice the piano.” I shot up out of my seat and tossed my trash in the outside bin.
“Let her go.” Nick tugged Matt’s shirt to the point he sat back down.
“I knew she’d get hurt.” Sierra’s statement faded as I ran down the sidewalk, thankful the evening still held some light.
I didn’t slow down to hear any more of their conversation. My legs propelled me until I hit the street we lived on, staggered back to the house, and locked myself in my bedroom.
I ignored the mirror on the wall, and sank down into my bed, covering my eyes with my pillow. Doubt had a field day in my brain as I tried to rationalize the most amazing kiss ever, then him leaving me for someone else. I tried and failed to control the negative noise suffocating my thoughts. Like how I’d never be good enough, never pretty enough. I deserved everything I got for letting myself fall for a self-proclaimed player, however much I tried to deny it.