Chapter 16
When I didn’t say anything, Gavin tried again.
“Let’s get ready for bed. I even bought a toothbrush for you. Trust me?”
Strong arms lifted me off his chest, forcing me to stand up. With my hand hiding in his, Gavin guided me toward the bedroom suite. I began trusting him, and our relationship’s intensity bordered on obsession.
I mean, come on, he bought me a toothbrush.
The blue toothbrush rested in the black holder on the bathroom counter, cuddling up with his green one. At least that’s what I’d imagine the toothbrushes would be doing. If they weren’t inanimate objects.
He offered to let me borrow his toothpaste, and I read way too much into the gesture. Like it was a sign he wanted me to move in with him, get a cat friend for Swanson, and tie the knot in the very near future. Because nothing says I want to spend the rest of my life with you like sharing toothpaste.
After brushing his teeth, Gavin changed out of his clothes in the bedroom while I remained in the bathroom and contemplated the meaning of life via dental hygiene. I peeped through the crack in the door and noticed he had on boxers and a white undershirt. Okay good. If tighty-whiteys were front and center, his role in my happily ever after would’ve been morbidly suspended.
I remained hidden in the bathroom, nervous about how tonight would go down. I hoped tonight might help me get over, well, myself. Though getting over myself couldn’t happen unless I left the bathroom.
Sometimes I wished I had this awkward first time over and done with before I headed to college. I still lived in a land where strawberries and sunflowers framed the roads, and flying turtles danced in the air spraying candy chocolate hearts whenever someone (ahem, like me) lost their virginity with their special someone (maybe Gavin?).
My stomach played twister, and I still held out hope my first time would be special. As much as I wanted to deny it, I fell hard for Gavin.
Now the likelihood of having sex tonight hovered around one to two percent. If things kept going on this trajectory, I’d lose my virginity faster than I originally imagined. And then what?
“Lou?” Gavin’s voice floated from the bedroom while my butt remained plastered on the toilet seat, an entirely too convenient place to plop my ass down and give myself a pep-talk.
“Yep?”
“You done hiding in the bathroom?”
“I’m not hiding.” Crap, thoroughly busted. “I’m, um, wondering where you keep the towels.”
“Okay. Towels are under the sink in the cabinet and hanging up on the rack. See the gray one? It’s clean. For you.”
“Oh, Okay. Thanks. Excellent. Well done. You.” Well done, you? Get your shit together, Louie.
“Pretty standard to have clean towels in the bathroom.” His voice reverberated into the bathroom from where he sat on his bed.
“Funny. I have them, too. In the bathroom I share with Sierra.” This conversation wilted. Rapidly. Might as well put on my big-girl panties and face it. Face him.
“Yup, I’ll be out in a second.” I made sure to wash my hands, creating an excuse to use the much-discussed towel. I inched into the bedroom and saw him lying on his side, his head propped up by his hand, resting on his elbow.
“I hope I’m more enticing than the bathroom.” He flashed me a smile I’m sure had most women dropping their panties in seconds.
“I don’t know, it’s a pretty nice bathroom.”
“Well I’m bummed out. Maybe you can come down here and soothe my battered ego.” He patted the bed next to him.
“Something tells me your ego doesn’t batter easily.” I stood, my arms crossed in front of me.
“I’m a sensitive guy.”
“Uh huh.”
“Come here.” He tugged on my wrist and pulled me down on the bed next to him. Jinkies, I couldn’t help but rub my hands across his chest, feeling the solid muscle flex as he held me close to him. Maybe fat and him were allergic to one another. My brain mentally flipped in glee, anticipating the feel of his abs under his blasted T-shirt.
Not in a million years did I ever think I’d lounge with one of the sexiest men I’ve ever seen, in my tank top and cotton blue Cookie Monster underwear. I cringed because I didn’t own any lace or lingerie shit. Because it made no sense to impress my mirror.
I should have thought ahead. Well, Cookie Monster had potential come-hither appeal.
“These are sexy.” He teased the elastic around my thigh. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen Cookie Monster in such an inviting light.”
“I don’t own any lingerie, sorry.” I burrowed my head into the crook of his neck.
“Well, we’ll have to fix that. We can go tomorrow.” He continued playing with the elastic of my panties.
“Shopping together?” I held my breath for a moment, because I never went undergarment shopping with anyone.
“Why not?”
“Because it’s embarrassing trying on underwear? Especially around other people?” My voice rose as I finished my sentence, because no one saw me in my underwear but me.
Yup. The girl who changed with her clothes on in the locker room?
Me.
You know, where girls could remove their bra under the shirt, and put the underwear on under the towel? Mastered the move in seventh grade.
“Nah, it’s hot as hell watching a woman try on lingerie. Especially matching sets I pick out.” Gavin rolled on his side to switch off the light.
“Uh, I think I missed the lingerie Sex-Ed lesson, which is not saying much since my parents didn’t tell me squat about sex, and the school only did baby prevention techniques and how not to get diseases. Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful for the education because the clap would more than suck and—”
“Louie?” His lips were centimeters from mine.
“Mmm-hmm?”
“Shut up.”
Gavin pressed his lips against mine, obliterating any other non-coherent thought. My body tensed, and then relaxed as the endorphins kicked in. My nipples stood at attention, while my head threatened to float away.
He ran his tongue along the edge of my lower lip. I gasped, opening my mouth and letting his tongue curl with mine, before his lips surrounded my tongue, and began sucking. And holy shit, was this a mini-gasm? When Gavin finally released my tongue, I whimpered because his lips were no longer attached to mine.
I breathed a sigh of relief when he traveled his lips along my jawline and worked his way up toward the base of my skull. He darted his tongue in my ear, while his lips and teeth tugged at my lobe.
With each slow exhale across the entrance to my ear, shivers darted down my spine. I swear, I pulsated everywhere, throbbing with desire, anything to satiate myself.
He danced his fingers across the front of my tank top, gently stroking my breasts over the fabric. I inhaled as it sent shock waves up and down through my core. He devoured my ear with his mouth, and finally found his way under my shirt.
“You with me?” His velvet voice embraced my neck.
“Uh, huh.” I guess we axed the conversation part. Touching base about how I was doing mid-make-out fest worked fine enough. “Whatever you’re doing, don’t stop,” I pleaded. He pinched my nipple, and I gasped.
“Too hard?”
I shook my head. “Uh, uh.”
Gavin found the other bud and pinched, causing my body to dissolve. He pushed his hips against mine, and I felt his hard length brush against me.
Holy fuck.
I instinctively wanted it, but it freaked the crap out of me.
Gavin stopped kissing my ear and held on to my shoulders. “Hey, like I said before, don’t worry about doing anything you don’t want. Tonight, we are only cuddling with benefits. You draw the line, okay?”
“Okay.” Relief and disappointment confused me. My body wanted it, but my mind resisted. I most definitely did not want to stop our make-out fest.
I tugged his head toward mine, finding his lips again. He feathered his hands across my breasts, caressing the underside. I whimpered, hoping for more but unsure how to ask.
Gavin lifted my tank-top, exposing my mid-drift, and I stilled under him for a moment. Because I didn’t show my stomach off. Ever. But I wanted him to touch me without barriers.
“Do you want me to stop?” His eyes practically penetrated mine.
I shook my head. Because I wanted to know what came next.
The hint of moonlight seeping through wasn’t enough light to betray my scars. My body begged my mind to let go, allowing Gavin to take charge. He slowly lifted the tank past my chest as his eyes tracked mine. He removed my top, too, leaving me exposed. My arms automatically fell across my chest, hiding again.
“Hey, to make it even, I’ll take off my shirt too.”
I cracked a smile. “It’s not the same, chicken-butt.”
“It’s not?” He pulled his shirt over his head, which made breathing near impossible. His abs were abnormally ripped and sinewy, I could play ping pong on his torso.
His gaze lingered on my breasts. “You’re right. Your chest is much more beautiful.” He held my face, kissed me again, and tugged at my top lip before making a trail of kisses down my neck.
When he got to my chest, he kissed down the center, and back up to my neck. He teased my nipple again, playing with it as it pebbled under his touch. Gavin glued his eyes to mine as I watched him taunt my other nipple. He jutted his tongue out and lightly touched the tip of my other breast, immediately sending a jolt through my core, and causing my body to ache.
“Holy shit,” I said.
“Feel good?”
“Is the sky blue?”
He snorted. “Do you want more?”
“Uh, huh.” My body yearned for him to finish what he started.
“You have to ask for it.”
I did? From the look on his face, I could tell he meant every word. “Please?”
“Please what? You gotta ask for what you want.”
Come again? I gulped. Fuck, I could swear like a trucker with the best of them. But this whole talking during foreplay? Not a chance. Because I’d sound like an idiot. But Gavin hovered over me, his arms on either side of my head, supporting his upper body. His lips twisted, not touching me anymore.
“Lou?”
“Please, can you continue kissing me here?” I acquiesced, because the frustration of him not touching me won out. Once I pointed at my breasts, I silently paid homage to the dim of night, preventing him from seeing how red my face had become.
“With pleasure.”
He laved the tip of one while he played with the other. “Your tits are perfect. Your entire body is perfect.” He switched his mouth to my other breast and I leaned into him, my body wanting more.
He rubbed the fabric of my undies and I about died, feeling the throb increase. Sadly, I let my nerves take over, clinching my legs together.
“Fuck, your panties are drenched.”
I nodded, my legs still clenched.
“Can you relax for me, babe?”
He steadied his hand on my stomach. “We don’t have to go further.”
I slowly nodded. “I’d like to try. I think.” Nerves pierced me, but I trusted him.
Gavin played with the elastic around my waist and my legs tensed up again. “Maybe we should stop,” he suggested.
“No, I’d like to try. Please.”
Gavin nodded, and I watched as he crawled his hand down my stomach toward the space between my hips. He found my sensitive nub and toyed. And holy sweet mother of everything holy, I wanted more. I relaxed into the pillow while he teased, sending shock after shock through my body as I felt his finger prod my entrance.
Schnikes, I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t move as my head collided with the cement, couldn’t get him off me. He was too big, too overbearing.
He covered my mouth and nose and I fought to gasp air, barely getting enough sips to remain conscious, though I wished for mercy to bring me darkness.
Instead, tears built, because who would hear me if I couldn’t scream?
And his voice—calm, cold, and too calculated. “You disgust me,” he sneered.
“Please no, please.” I fought to catch my breath, struggling to free my arms from his grasp.
And then the weight lifted.
My lungs no longer fought for air. I breathed deep and exhaled. After another intake, I dared my eyes to open, the blur of darkness cutting through the tears.
A room. Gavin’s room.
Oh, no . . . what did I do?
“Lou?” Gavin remained next to me on the bed, gently stroking my hair.
I rolled onto my side, turning my back to him. How to explain what happened? How do I explain the twisted remnants of my past to another person who only wanted to bring me pleasure?
“Babe?” I glanced behind me, agony painted on every facial muscle.
“Oh, God.” I whispered. I turned around again, incapable of movement beyond the fetal position. “I’m so sorry.”
“Hey, sweetheart, there’s nothing to be sorry about.” He tried soothing me, surrounding me with his arms. “Did I hurt you?”
“No, you were amazing.” I was the damaged one. The message of not being wanted had taken root and the vines snarled. Figuring out stat how to erase the negative tapes manipulating me proved crucial. Because Gavin did want me. And I wanted him too.
His touch provided solace, stroking my hair, helping to calm the shakes from my anxiety attack.
“Is this okay, me touching you?”
I nodded, because his touch soothed my still galloping heart rate.
“Does this have anything to do with your past? Can you talk about it?”
I remained silent, my back still curled up toward him.
“I don’t mean to pry, but if you can share anything with me, I might be able to help.”
How to explain what happened without this being the final straw, pushing him away for good?
“I want to help. But I can’t be there for you if I’m in the dark.”
I nodded again.
“Do you need anything? Some water? Tea? Tell me what to do, here.”
I had to respond, give him something to do before my silence drove him crazy. “Some tea would be good.”
Gavin left the bedroom, and I remained in my fetal position. My eyes glazed over as the wall blurred.
Absolutely suck ass.
Tears still trickled down my face onto his comforter, and my nose congested.
Gavin returned with a box of Kleenex, and a cup of peppermint tea. He helped me sit up, while I tried, unsuccessfully, to blow my nose.
“I’m a mess.” I laughed. More like nervous garble.
Gavin rubbed my back, while I sipped the tea. It relaxed me, coating my throat with warmth and protection.
“Can you talk about it now or do you want to wait?”
I sipped the tea, stalling, not quite ready to disclose everything. I had to say something. Rage engulfed me with the realization I couldn’t get away from the pain of my past without it rearing its ugly head.
“You know about my eating disorder and not feeling worthy. Most of my neuroses stems from my abandonment and being teased. As a little girl, kids would chase me, pull my hair, and tell me they were going to send me back to China. All the bullying your sister suffered? I could relate.
“But instead of ending it all or fighting back, I internalized it. I thought, since I couldn’t change my face, maybe if I were skinnier, the kids would stop bothering me. And as we got older, it did stop for the most part. I heard them talking about me behind my back.
“Except for this guy Martin. I don’t know why he hated me, but he wouldn’t leave me alone. For years he harassed me, pushed me around, and told me how ugly I was, and the world would be better if I didn’t exist. And the sad part is, I believed him.”
A little vein emerged on the side of Gavin’s head, and his hands clenched so hard, white knuckles appeared. He opened his mouth to say something but then closed it, waiting for me to finish. Wondered how much he compared my story to his sister’s.
Gavin sat on the bed next to me, taking it all in. He didn’t say anything for a minute or two. “Is it going to be okay for you to be intimate? The last thing I want to do is trigger a flashback every time we’re together,” he finally asked.
“My therapist actually encourages it.” I hope I sounded confident. Not sure if he bought it. “I don’t want us to stop exploring. Up until my mind decided to snap back in time, replacing you with Martin, I genuinely enjoyed it.”
Gavin blew out a long breath, his bangs fluttering against his forehead. “For real. Martin, or whatever the hell his name is, had major issues, which had nothing to do with you. You do realize that, right?”
“I know now.”
“Why didn’t the school do anything?” Gavin’s words were clipped and his tone like steel.
“The golden boy of the school versus the weird girl with even weirder friends. He scared the shit out of me and succeeded in making sure I’d stay silent.”
He didn’t speak. A line sealed his lips, and the little muscles in his jaw twitched.
“I should probably take it a little slower, and I should have told you before we did anything. I’m sorry for that, too.”
“Goddamn, quit saying you’re sorry.” He fretted both of his hands in his hair, and I worried he might not have any left by the time our conversation ended.
I watched him. Watched his jaw clench before giving his face a rushed massage. Watched his eyes as he gauged my current emotional state. I remained frozen, clutching the now empty gray mug, hoping he would say something. Anything. Because the silence was like nails on a chalk board.
“Will you say something?” I asked.
“I’m pissed off right now, and I don’t want to scare you.”
“I’m really sorry. I—”
“Stop. Just stop.” Gavin closed his eyes while he curled his fingers into fists. “I’m not mad at you. I’m mad at the fuckers who bullied you.” He stilled himself and extended his fingers wide before letting them relax.
He placed my mug on the nightstand. “Why don’t I hold you tonight and we can talk more tomorrow.”
I nodded and slipped my hand into his as he tugged me closer, acting as my sanctuary. Once he fell asleep, his hold on me finally eased, though not by much.