Chapter nineteen
“Chris?” I said over my shoulder as I wiped my hands on a dish towel. It’d been a long, busy day, the flow of customers increasing after the early January slump.
“Yeah?” Chris waved at the last customer and brought the shutters down, turning to face me.
“I think you should start looking for a place in London.” I couldn't hold my grin any longer. I’ve been dying to tell her that I signed the contract for the bakery in Greenwich the day before, but we were so busy today that I hadn’t found the perfect moment. Well, this wasn’t as perfect as I’d imagined it, but I was the worst keeper of secrets ever.
“Really?” She squealed, clapping her hands together like an excited child. “You signed the contract?”
“I signed the contract,” I confirmed, my lips stretching into an even bigger smile.
Chris threw herself at me, squeezing me until I was pretty sure I heard a rib crack.
“Ouch, you’re choking me,” I complained.
She released me, but kept looking at me with wide, excited eyes.
“When do we open?”
We discussed my plans for the bakery and the contract we’d have to sign making Chris the manager, and giving her a lot more responsibilities than she had working at Cookie’s. I had to admit I was nervous. Not because I didn't trust Chris, quite the opposite. I was sure she’d do a great job managing the new bakery, and I had a really good feeling about this new venture. But still, I was investing a lot of my savings into something I wouldn’t be a part of day to day. Giving up control had always been tough for me, but it had to be done if I wanted my business to grow.
I didn’t know if I’d have gathered the courage to do this if it wasn’t for Jay. He’d listened to me stress about it every night for the past month, always patient and ready to offer advice. He believed in me, and, right now, that was what I needed.
Jay barely spent any time in his house anymore. He’d sleep in my bed every night, then spend all day in the University or the library. The dark circles under his eyes even after a good night’s sleep betrayed how exhausted he was, but he never complained.
Over the Christmas holidays, Jay’d admitted to his dad that a managerial role in the family business wasn’t what he wanted. He’d even gone as far as admitting he was thinking of changing his degree subject next year to something more creative. As expected, his dad hadn’t been pleased, but Jay was determined to show him that he would be more valuable to the company in a more creative role. Working closely with Freddie, Jay’d designed a series of shop fittings and completely transformed a luxury department store’s changing rooms. He’d done all that on top of his usual classes, and working with Shane on the centre’s fundraising projects. To Shane’s horror, the charity calendar idea was met with a lot of enthusiasm from everyone at the centre, and Jay had managed to gather the money needed to manufacture it through a crowd funding campaign. The photoshoot was scheduled for the end of February.
I was still going to be the cover star.
The thought made me smile. I’d never thought I’d be brave enough to bare my body for everyone to see, but since meeting Jay I’d come to realise that I was capable of a lot more than I thought.
I loved him so much it physically hurt.
And tonight I was going to ask him to move in with me, officially.
“Amir?” Chris said behind me, startling me. Looking around, I saw she’d tidied up all the counters and we were ready to go.
“Yeah, sorry. I was...” The look on Chris’ face made me pause. She was looking at her phone, a troubled expression on her face. “What’s wrong?”
“The university library is burning,” she said, turning her phone towards me. On the screen, there was a picture of the library engulfed in flames. “It’s all over Twitter.”
I felt dizzy. My vision doubled and I felt like I was going to throw up.
“Amir!” Chris was next to me in an instant, keeping me upright with an arm around my waist. “Sit. I’ll bring you some water.” She helped me to one of the stools and scrambled to get a glass.
“Jay’s in there,” I said. I didn't know if she could hear me or not, my ears were ringing, making my own voice seem far away. “Jay’s in there, Chris!” I shouted, loud enough to make her jump.
That was when we heard the sirens.
******
The thought of Jay in a burning building, caught on the top floor and unable to get out on time, made inhuman strength flow into my body. I ran out of the bakery, not stopping when Chris shouted after me.
I could freak out later. Right now Jay needed me and I’d rather die than let him down when he needed me the most.
Deeply ingrained training took over my conscious mind. Standing in front of the burning building, I didn’t see the flames. All I saw was a hostile situation, Jay’s life depending on my actions.
Four fire engines were parked in front of the library, their lights flashing, firemen running around in full gear. Police cars started arriving, the cops trying to keep the crowd at a safe distance. I scanned the crowd, hoping that Jay got out on time and I’d see his beautiful face among all these people. No such luck.
I dialled Jay’s number, it rang a few times before redirecting to voicemail. With great effort, I put the phone back in my pocket instead of throwing it against the nearest wall.
I needed to calm down.
My gut was telling me that Jay was in there. All these years my gut had never been wrong.
I could do nothing from where I was standing. I needed to get inside the building and that wouldn't happen through the throng of uniformed men between me and the flames. Fortunately, I knew there was a side entrance to the library not many people knew about. The staff usually used it to get in and out, or smoke a cigarette during lunch time.
I ran around the building, the sight of the unguarded side entrance filling me with relief. As I neared, it swung open and someone nearly fell out. I saw the blond hair and for a split second I thought it was Jay. My heart plummeted in my stomach when I saw it wasn’t Jay, but someone else I knew.
Cedric.
He coughed, bending over and supporting himself with a hand on the wall.
“Cedric!” I called, before taking the few steps between us. “Are you alright?”
He startled, then looked at me with wide eyes. His clothes and his face were dirty, and he reeked of smoke.
“What happened? Where’s Jay? Did you see him?” I fired my questions at him, but he kept staring at me in silence. “Dammit, Cedric!” I grabbed his shoulders and shook him. “Where’s Jay? Was he with you?”
“Yes...” Cedric said finally, looking away. “We were studying together when the fire alarm sounded. We thought it wasn’t anything serious and started collecting our stuff, in no hurry to leave. But then...” Cedric swallowed with difficulty, his icy blue gaze meeting mine again. “Mrs Hurst, one of the librarians, opened the door we were supposed to leave through and the flames burst through it. They caught on her dress and she started screaming and everything happened so fast after that...” A tear slid down his dirty cheek. He looked so vulnerable, so terrified that he almost didn't seem like himself.
I didn't have time to stand here and listen to him when Jay was still inside the burning building.
“Where’s Jay?” I asked again. “What happened to him? Why isn’t he with you?”
“He ran to help Mrs Hurst, found a fire extinguisher... But then a bookcase collapsed where they were and I couldn't see them anymore...”
“You left him in there?” I snarled in his face making him flinch.
“I couldn’t do anything! I ran out to get help!”
I’d wasted enough time with him. Pushing him to the side, I opened the door and stepped inside the library. I heard Cedric call after me that they were on the top floor, like I’d guessed. It was where Jay usually studied, where the rare books were.
The smoke was everywhere, weaving around me like a poisonous snake. I couldn't see well, but I managed to find the stairs leading to the top of the building. I coughed as the smoke penetrated my lungs, but at least there weren’t any visible flames around me. Not yet. The fire must have started on the top floor if the first floor was clear.
A strong arm on my shoulder pulled me back, making me trip and fall backwards into someone’s arms. Strong hands set me upright and I saw a really pissed off fireman when I turned around.
“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” He yelled, his words muffled by the mask he was wearing.
“My boyfriend’s in there,” I said, stabbing a finger upwards. “I know that for a fact. It doesn’t seem like anyone’s going to the top floor to check for any people still caught in the fire, so I’m going to go myself if I have to, but I’m not leaving him there.” I took a few steps away from the fireman in case he decided to restrain me.
“If you go in there without proper gear you will die. I guarantee it.”
“I’m not leaving him there!” I shouted, panic threatening the edge of my vision. Jay was buried under a bookcase in a burning building and everyone was just standing there, talking, not doing anything about it.
I turned and ran up the stairs.
The fireman swore behind me, but didn't follow. I didn't care what happened to me as long as I managed to get Jay out of here.
Taking the stairs two at a time, I reached the top floor in seconds, my lungs burning with the smoke I’d inhaled. I could see the flames now, eating everything in their path. Luckily, the core of the building was made of stone. Had it been a wooden structure it’d have collapsed by now.
The wooden furniture and all the books were feeding the fire enough to turn it into a blaze, though. I was just about to charge inside the room in front of me, flames and all, when someone pulled me back. Again. I was getting really fed up with this shit.
Turning, I saw two firemen, one of them the guy I’d talked to downstairs. Before I could say a word, he handed me a bright orange jacket and a face mask.
Wordlessly, they passed by me and walked into the burning room. I put the jacket and the mask on and followed them. The moment I felt the sting of the fire near me, I panicked. My vision blurred and I swayed on my feet.
Fuck this! I couldn't lose it now! Jay was somewhere in here, needing me, and I had to pull it together.
One of the firemen looked at me over his shoulder, his brows furrowing. I gave him the thumbs up even though I could barely catch my breath. I was still fighting the panic attack when I saw the knocked over bookcase at the other side of the room. It was burning.
“There!” I shouted, pointing at the bookcase.
The firemen hurried towards it, but I couldn't move. My feet felt like lead, too heavy to lift and take the few steps to the other side of the room. The fire burned around me, destroying everything in its path. It was coming for me. Whispering.
Black spots appeared in my vision. I could see the firemen lifting the burning bookcase and casting it aside, then kneeling down on the floor. The flames licked at their jackets, but they didn't seem to care.
One of them stood up and turned, a body in his arms. Through the smoke and the haze clouding my mind I saw a familiar blond head nestled against the bright orange jacket.
Jay.
Relief so powerful washed over me that my knees buckled. I fell to the floor, Jay’s name on my lips as darkness took over.
******
The smell of antiseptic made me nauseous. I tried to open my eyes but they felt impossibly heavy. My lips were dry and painful when I tried to ask for help.
Awareness slammed into me with brutal force. I thrashed on the bed, the monitors next to my head beeping frantically.
Finally, I managed to open my eyes. The bright light in the room made me squint, but I could see a nurse rushing into the room.
“Jay,” I managed to croak out. “Is he okay?”
The nurse did something to me, probably increased the dosage on the dripping painkiller because I felt calmness wash over me, relaxing my muscles and silencing my mind.
“Jay...”
“He’s alright, love. I’ll take you to see him when you feel better,” the nurse said, patting me on the arm.
A serene smile spread on my lips. Jay was alright. He was alive.
Thank fucking god.
******
The next time I became aware of my surroundings, I felt a warm weight over my hand. I struggled to open my eyes, squinting against the light that assaulted my senses. The room was quiet save for the beeping machine next to my bed. When I moved ever so slightly, the weight on my hand disappeared.
“Amir? Honey?”
“Mum?” I managed, my throat closing off. I tried to swallow, but my mouth felt as dry as sandpaper. “Water.”
Mum brought a glass of water to my lips, lifting my head to help me get a couple of sips.
“How are you feeling?” Mum asked.
I turned my head slightly until I could see her face. Her blue eyes were red rimmed, and her dark hair was tied in a messy knot on the back of her head, a few strands escaping around her face. I didn’t remember ever seeing my mother so tired.
“I’m fine,” I croaked, then asked for some more water. “How’s Jay?”
I’d mentioned Jay to Mum a few times over the phone, but she wasn’t the nosy type. She’d never badger me for more information than I was willing to give, and I wasn't the overly sharing type, so she didn't know how serious our relationship had become over the past few months. But if she was here in the hospital she must have been told what had happened to both of us.
“He’s alright,” Mum said, glancing away.
I furrowed my brows. “Mum?”
She sighed. “I went to see him just an hour or so ago, met his family. His mum and dad are frantic with worry, but the doctors said he’ll be just fine.”
“What aren’t you telling me?”
Mum hesitated before she spoke, as if worried she might do more harm than good by telling me the whole story.
“He’s suffered some burns on his body, and his face.”
My eyes widened in panic, but Mum put a reassuring hand on my forearm and continued.
“He’s very lucky that’s all he’s got away with, darling. There’s no internal organ damage, no concussion. Margaret... Jay’s mother, says the doctors can treat the burns with cosmetic surgery and he’ll be as good as new. Naturally, she’s worried sick. Her child nearly died. If it wasn’t for you...”
“I didn't do anything,” I protested, remembering how I’d succumbed to my panic attack and couldn’t fucking move to get to Jay. If it hadn’t been for those two firemen...
“If it weren’t for you nobody would have even known there were people still inside. Jay and Mrs Hurst would have been dead.”
Mrs Hurst. I’d completely forgotten about her.
“She’s okay, too?”
“Yes, she’s being treated for minor burns and a concussion, but she’ll be fine.”
“I want to see him,” I said, trying to prop myself on my elbows and sit up. The IV hooked in my forearm pulled painfully.
“Amir, please lie back down. You just came to, you can’t get up yet.” Mum stood beside the bed, her worried expression making me feel incredibly guilty.
I lay back down.
“I need to see him, Mum,” I said, closing my eyes against the moisture there. “Please find a doctor or a nurse or someone and ask them to take me to see him.”
The machine next to my head started beeping wildly, reading my accelerated heartbeat correctly.
“I will, honey. Just promise me you won’t be ripping out your IVs and running out the room the moment I turn my back.”
I nodded in agreement. Mum kissed my forehead, just as she used to do when I was a kid, and walked out the room.
******
About an hour later, after being thoroughly checked over by a doctor, and declared fit to move, even if my blood pressure was a bit low, I was unhooked from all machines, had the unpleasant experience of having the catheter removed, and was helped into a wheelchair. Mum wheeled me to Jay’s room at the other side of the long corridor. She knocked on the door and a tall, slender woman opened it. She stepped outside, closed the door behind her, and smiled warmly at me and Mum.
“You must be Amir,” she said, her voice smooth as vanilla ice-cream. “I’m Margaret, Jay’s mum.” She extended her hand to me and I took it in mine.
“Nice to meet you, Margaret,” I said, feeling weird to be calling her by her first name, but that was how she’d introduced herself. “I’m sorry it’s not under better circumstances.”
She nodded, then squatted down in front of my wheelchair to my eye level. I was amazed at how much Jay looked like his mum – the same crystal blue eyes; the same delicate bone structure; the same blond hair even if her highlights came from a bottle.
“I can never thank you enough for what you did for my son, Amir,” she said, her voice wavering a little. I tried to protest, but she continued without giving me a chance to speak. “I talked to the firemen who rescued Jay and Mrs Hurst, so I know what happened. You saved my son’s life, Amir.”
If enough people repeated that maybe I’d start to believe it myself. Maybe I’d forgive myself for freezing in place with a fucking panic attack when Jay needed me most.
Margaret stood up, leaning in to give me a hug. I was so startled I couldn’t move.
“Thank you,” she said as she pulled away.
I swallowed thickly. “Can I see him?”
Margaret glanced at my mum as if for reassurance before nodding.
“He’s been asking for you ever since he came to.”
Margaret opened the door and Mum wheeled me inside. Jay was propped on a couple of pillows, looking at the door eagerly.
“Amir!” He exclaimed when his eyes landed on mine.
His hair was plastered to his head, its usual lustre dulled to a matted mess. He looked skinny and frail, his body barely taking half of the single bed. Half his face was covered in bandages, the skin that remained visible looking dry and pale.
My eyes watered when I saw him, so fragile and broken in the sterile hospital bed. I knew I should be thankful he was alive and well, but my heart squeezed painfully at the thought of anything hurting Jay.
“Mum, Joanna, could you give us a minute?” Jay addressed both our mums in a polite, but firm voice.
“Of course. Come, Joanna, let’s go find John and get ourselves a cup of tea.”
The moment the door clicked closed after them, a sob escaped my mouth. I was incapable of stopping it. Everything I felt, all the guilt, regret, fear, and relief boiled over, and I couldn't stop the tears streaming down my face.
“I’m sorry,” I managed to say, wheeling myself closer to his bed.
Jay sat up straighter, clasping my hand in his.
“Sshh, it’s okay, babe. We’re both okay.”
He weaved his fingers through my hair, caressed my face, then brought my hand to his lips. His eyes were glassy when I finally looked at him, but he didn't cry.
“Your mum said you were fine, they were just keeping you for observation?” Jay asked. I nodded, the whirlwind of emotions inside me subsiding a little.
“The doctors said cosmetic surgery can fix my face,” he blurted after a long pause. He bit his lip and looked away, like he always did when he was embarrassed.
“That’s good,” I said, wiping my eyes with the back of my hand. “But you know I don't give a fuck about that, right? To me you’ll always be the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen.”
Jay huffed out a laugh, but there was no humour in it.
“Jay...”
“I don’t know who I am without my looks, Amir,” he fell back on the pillows, his lower lip trembling.
“You haven’t lost your looks, baby. A scar on your face is not going to make you any less beautiful.”
Jay shook his head stubbornly. I reached up, laying a hand on his cheek and making him look at me.
“I’m never going to look at you differently, no matter how you change over time. I’m in this relationship for the long run, Jay. I don't care how many scars you’ll acquire over the years, or if you get fat, or bald.” Jay smiled, relief visibly relaxing his body. “Last night I was going to ask you to move in with me.” I continued, smiling when Jay’s eyes rounded with surprise. “I had a whole speech prepared and was going to make your favourite caramel brownies to celebrate when you said yes.”
“You were that certain I was going to say yes?” Jay teased, raising an eyebrow.
“Well, let’s check shall we?” I winked at him, before clearing my throat. “Jay, will you move in with me?”
“Hm...” He tapped the corner of his mouth thoughtfully. I pinched his arm “Ouch!” He rubbed at his arm dramatically. “Fine. I’ll move in with you, if only to make you stop pinching me.” He rolled his eyes, but I could see him biting the inside of his cheek against a smile.
“I make no promises.”
He laughed. I wish I could get up from the fucking wheelchair, gather him in my arms and kiss him senseless. It felt wrong to have made such a commitment and not seal it with a kiss.
“I want to kiss you so bad,” I admitted.
“Me too.”
A knock on the door interrupted our moment, but Jay didn't let go of my hand when it opened. Mum and Margaret walked in, followed by a stocky man with greying hair. His eyes landed on me immediately, and even though he didn’t smile I didn't feel any hostility coming from him.
“Amir,” he said, coming to stand next to my wheelchair. His voice boomed in the small hospital room. “I’m John Brooke, James’ father.” He extended his hand and I let go of Jay’s to shake it.
“Nice to meet you, sir.” I wish I could stand and meet Jay’s father tall and proud, instead of bound in a wheelchair, dressed in a hospital gown that barely covered my ass.
“Thank you for what you’ve done for James, Amir.” His voice was stern and I couldn't imagine John Brooke ever sounded like he wasn’t pissed off at something. He seemed to be one of those people that could reduce a grown man to tears with a single withering glare.
I didn't even try to protest that I hadn’t really done anything.
“James tells me you’re a soldier. Served two tours in Afghanistan before you lost your leg.”
“Yes, sir.”
“I have great respect for our armed forces, son. My father died in Korea and my brother in Afghanistan. What you do for this country is admirable and should always be treated with respect.” He clapped me on the shoulder and his eyes softened just for a second.
“Thank you, sir.”
I didn't know what else to say. John didn't seem like the small talk guy, so discussing the weather was out of the question.
A nurse walked in and declared a doctor was coming to examine Jay so everyone should leave the room. I clasped his hand in mine one last time, mouthing ‘I love you’ before Mum wheeled me out of the room.
“Amir?” Margaret called after us. Mum stopped and turned me around. “When you’re feeling better we’d love to have you visit us. You’re always welcome in our home.” John stood next to her and nodded ever so slightly when I glanced at him. “You, too, Joanna. I hope we’ll keep in touch.”
“Of course,” Mum said, coming round the wheelchair to give Margaret a hug.
I cleared my throat making everyone look at me curiously.
“I’d like you to know that I love your son,” I began, gathering all the courage I possessed. I’d never met anyone’s parents before, let alone admitted to being in love with their son. “I just asked him to move in with me, and he agreed.”
Both Margaret and Mum smiled and offered congratulations, while John narrowed his eyes at me, but didn't say anything.
I didn’t do it for them, or for me. I did it for Jay. He deserved someone who didn’t flinch away from his dad’s glare, who could look his parents in the eye and admit to loving their son.
Today, I was that man, and if he’d let me I’d be that man for the rest of my life.