Chapter four
Walking towards Jay’s house before our date, I felt nervous. I had the cab drop me off a couple of streets away so that I could clear my head as I walked the rest of the distance. Lighting up a cigarette, I stopped a few houses away and inhaled slowly. I needed to calm the fuck down. Jay was a great guy. Right? And we’d already been out together, technically.
I had nothing to worry about. Right?
My hands shook as I brought the cigarette to my lips.
Inhaling deeply, the cherry blazed brightly in the dim light. It was getting dark and I really shouldn’t be lurking around people’s houses, smoking and looking creepy as shit.
Stomping on the bud, I took the last few metres leisurely as if my heart wasn’t beating frantically in my suddenly too tight chest. In front of Jay’s house I wondered if I should text him to come out or knock on the door.
I opted for good old-fashioned knocking. A few moments later it swung open and a guy with a pleasant smile greeted me.
“Oh, hey there. You must be Amir.” He extended his hand to me and we shook. His unruly brown hair was sticking out in all directions and he looked like I’d woken him up from a nap. “I’m Freddie. Jay asked me to invite you in. He’ll be right down. He was held in classes and just came back a few minutes ago.”
Freddie’s blue eyes studied me as he rambled, leading me to a spacious living-room. It was a typical shared college accommodation with comfortable, if a little dated, furniture.
“No worries,” I mumbled, a bit taken aback by Freddie’s friendly demeanour. For some reason I’d imagined all Jay’s housemates to be assholes like Cedric.
“Would you like anything to drink?” Freddie offered.
“I’m good. Thanks.”
I heard movement up the stairs in the far corner of the room. Someone walked down the steps and I held my breath, hoping it was Jay and we could leave.
Cedric descended the stairs, his usual bored facial expression firmly in place. I felt my hackles rise as he looked at me and his mouth twisted in displeasure.
“Hello...” he paused as if trying to remember my name. God, I hated the bastard.
“Amir,” I supplied, smiling as pleasantly as I could. His features twisted even more as he ran his gaze up and down my body, resting on my ankle where my trousers had ridden up revealing my prosthetic leg.
“Um, yes, Amir. How are you?” He seemed in pain as he asked me the question, but his posh upbringing wouldn’t let him just ignore me.
“I’m good.” I didn’t return the question. I couldn't care less how he was.
Freddie shifted next to me on the sofa, our exchange clearly making him uncomfortable.
“So, um, you own a bakery?” Freddie asked me, trying to shift the mood. Cedric’s eyes grew wide.
“You own that bakery?” Cedric asked incredulously, disregarding Freddie completely.
“Yes,” I said, turning to face Freddie. “You should stop by some time. My cookies are legendary.” I winked at him and he beamed.
“Awesome! I definitely will. Jay’s been raving about them for weeks, but I’m trying to watch what I eat, so...” He blushed a little.
Freddie was stocky, no more than five-foot-nine, with broad shoulders and muscular thighs. I could understand why some people might mistake that for being fat.
I glanced at Cedric who was still staring at us from the other side of the room, before turning back to Freddie. “Nonsense.” I slapped him on the shoulder and grinned at him. “A cookie or five never did anyone any harm.”
Cedric scoffed, but Freddie ignored him, his whole face transforming when he beamed at me, a smile so full of joy that it made me feel like a hero.
Cedric tusked his disapproval and, thankfully, left the room through a door on the left.
“So, Jay says you’re a soldier,” Freddie said, turning in his seat to fully face me. “Is that how you lost your leg?” He glanced at the spot where Cedric’s eyes had bored a moment ago, only Freddie’s gaze was curious and sympathetic rather than murderous.
Usually, I hated when strangers asked me questions about my past, and answered them as vaguely as possible but the kid’s eyes were so goddamn sincere that I couldn’t brush him off.
“Yeah. Afghanistan. Got blown by a landmine.” That was the official version anyway. The unofficial, highly classified version was something I’d have to take with me to the grave.
Freddie was just about to reply, but was saved by Jay who ran down the stairs and into the living-room. He was wearing blue skinny jeans that hugged his legs perfectly, and a black oversized jumper that slung down his shoulder revealing a colourful t-shirt underneath. His Converse were special edition with Superman on them. Jay looked like a hot nerd and I must have stared at him, because Freddie cleared his throat next to me and slapped me on the back.
“You guys have fun tonight,” he said, standing up.
Jay smiled a little shyly, completing the hot nerd picture, and came closer to me.
“Sorry I’m a little late. I got held up at school.”
“No worries,” I said, standing up. “Shall we?”
******
Neither of us had remembered to have a proper lunch so we headed straight to the city centre and Jay’s favourite Italian restaurant. Paulo’s was a small, family owned restaurant tucked away in a quiet street just behind the shopping centre. The location was top notch, and so was the food, and it was always packed. Luckily, probably because it was Monday and still relatively early for dinner, we managed to get a table straight away.
The smiling Italian waitress recited the specials as soon as we were seated, and left with our drink order.
“Have you tried the gnocchi here?” Jay asked, glancing at me over the menu with certain shyness in his eyes, something I hadn’t seen before.
The atmosphere in the restaurant was very romantic – bare brick walls with a few abstract art pieces decorating them; fire burning in the original fireplace at the other side of the room; low ceilings with vintage lighting features that resembled chandeliers; small tables with fresh flowers in one corner and a candle jar in the other.
The light from the flame reflected in Jay’s eyes, making them seem darker and somewhat mysterious. I couldn’t look away as he watched me over the edge of the menu, his eyes crinkling at the corners as he smiled.
“What?” He asked, lowering the menu.
“I’m just...” Fascinated by you. “Really happy to be here. With you,” I said instead.
What was he doing to me? I’d never felt this weird thrumming in my veins, this tightness in my chest before.
“Me too.” Jay held my eyes and his smile widened. “So, the gnocchi?”
“I’ve never tried it.”
“It’s delicious!” Jay exclaimed. “I had it a few weeks ago and I’ve been dreaming about it ever since.”
I couldn’t for the life of me resist the pure joy in his expression as he described the dish. For a guy that slim he definitely enjoyed his food. Where all of it went was a mystery.
“I’ll have the gnocchi,” I said when the waitress returned.
******
The evening turned out to be the best date I’d ever had. Jay could talk about anything from classic art, literature, and music, to boybands, TV series, and smutty books. We bounced topics around, jumping from one to the other seamlessly, laughing and playfully arguing when our tastes didn’t match.
By the time dessert arrived – tiramisu for Jay and panna cotta for me – a pleasantly warm feeling had spread all over my body.
“Oh my god, this is so good!” Jay said around a mouthful of tiramisu. He smeared some mascarpone over his lip when he took his first bite and I had to dig my fingernails into my thigh to stop myself from reaching over and wiping it with my thumb. Or my tongue.
Jay felt my eyes on his lips and brought a finger to his mouth, wiping the cream off and then sucking his finger between his lips. As if that wasn’t enough to make me salivate, he licked his lips with the tip of his pink tongue, making sure he’d gotten all the mascarpone.
I’d never wanted anyone more than I wanted Jay right now.
The thought slammed into my mind with such intensity that it made me wince.
Fortunately, Jay was too immersed in his tiramisu, making obscene sounds of pleasure with every bite, that he didn’t notice my momentary discomfort.
We opted against coffee after our meal. It always astounded me how people had shots of espresso in the evening and it did nothing to disturb their sleeping habits.
When the bill arrived Jay fished his wallet out, taking out his credit card.
“What are you doing?” I asked, my gaze fixed on the credit card.
“I’m trying to pay the bill.”
“I invited you, remember. It’s on me.” I took out cash from my wallet, enough to cover the bill plus tip, folded it neatly and placed it in the tray.
Jay hesitated, clearly uncomfortable. My eyes slid over the credit card pointedly, and that was when I saw it – James Brooke, engraved in silver letters.
“James?” I asked, raising an eyebrow.
Jay blushed before putting his credit card away.
“Yes. It’s my full name. But nobody calls me that except for my dad. He keeps insisting on calling me James even though nobody else does, and sometimes I don’t even react to it.”
I laughed, then helped Jay into his coat before we left the restaurant. It wasn’t too late, barely 9 PM, but it was pitch dark outside. The sky was cloudy and seemed lower somehow, as if pressing down on us. Suffocating. The moon was nowhere to be seen and the only light came from the street lights. At least it wasn’t raining.
I didn’t want to let go of Jay yet so I offered to walk him home.
It was a short walk, unfortunately.
In front of his house, he turned towards me, barely leaving any space between our bodies, and said,
“I had an amazing evening, Amir.” His voice was husky, and his eyes were hooded, and his lips were shiny as if he’d just licked them, and I was lost.
“Me too,” was all I managed to say.
I wanted to kiss him. To simply lean in, cut the few short inches between us, and kiss him.
I didn’t know why I couldn’t.
Reading my hesitation, Jay took matters into his own hands, and kissed me. Just a slight brush of lips that shook me to the core.
I shivered. He put his arms around me, drawing me closer, his scent dulling all my senses to everything else but the man in my arms.
Fuck it. Fuck my insecurities, my hesitation, my fucking doubts.
I cupped his face and kissed him. His mouth opened as he allowed me in, his body melting against mine in relief.
God, he tasted good. I licked his lips, slid my tongue against his, then sucked on it. Jay moaned, a harsh sound from deep within his throat. Encouraged, I bit his lower lip gently, moving to kiss and suck along his jawline. His skin tasted as amazing as his lips.
“Amir...” Jay whispered, sliding his long fingers in my hair. He brought my mouth to his once again, and kissed me – an urgent open-mouthed kiss that made me sway, losing my balance.
“Sorry,” I mumbled against his lips as Jay grabbed me around the shoulders and steadied me.
“D’you wanna come inside?” Jay asked between kisses. His warm, delicious lips drove me insane with lust, and I nearly said yes.
Cupping his face, I gently disengaged our mouths, placing a kiss on his nose and leaning our foreheads together.
“There’s nothing I want more right now,” I said, pausing as disappointment shadowed Jay’s eyes when he realised I was about to refuse. “I really like you, Jay. And I’m really attracted to you. So let’s take things slow, okay?”
Jay nodded, closing his eyes. Then, he found my lips again, softly this time. He kissed me slowly, sliding his hand on the side of my neck and brushing his thumb over my cheek.
“Alright,” he said, pulling back. I could hear the regret in his voice, and it stabbed me in the chest. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt Jay, even unintentionally, but I couldn’t follow him to his bed. Not tonight.
I haven’t been in anyone’s bed since Shane. I needed time to get used to the idea that this man, this perfect, gorgeous man, was going to see me with all my scars.
I didn't doubt Jay. I somehow knew he wouldn't be disgusted by the sight of my naked body. But I wasn’t ready.
“Good night, Amir,” Jay said, stepping away from me.
I watched as he walked to the front door, unlocked it, and slipped quietly inside.